What the F**K or Drinking and Blogging

Wait, you don't know my favorite saying while drunk? of course you should by now.

Amused Muse and I met for a week night of drinking at the VFW, for those of you who are too young, that stands for Veterans of Foreign Wars. And, yes I am toasted, blitzed, wasted, fucked over, and... apparently from what what the bar tendress said, a lesbian.

Why is it that everytime AM and I go somewhere and get blitzed, men think we are into each other and not them? There were at least 3 men in there I would have "done" yes I said "done" either sober or drunk, and more I would have done drunk... what? you haven't read my resolution for the year. Well go back and read MF>

lol, blogging and drinking, hmmm not a smart fix... lol, but damn, I feel good, now if only someone were here to feel me...lol

oh I did a Pick Three today, no fishing, but a Pick Three, and I got one to bite back.. we will see what the new year has in store..

Good night all, sweet dreams, from Bob and me...lol

From Across the Pond

Unconscious mutterings #153

I say ... and you think ... ?

Better off :: alone
Girls ::Girls Gone Wild (why didn't they have that when I could have been on it?)
Uniform :: A Man in UNIFORM does it for me every time
Classified :: Intelligence...as in "IF I told you I would have to kill you
Hard :: on... ok, I know I am not usually that blunt, but there is a drought here
Kitty :: Kitty Kitty
Team :: football, baseball, basketball, I like all those teams, just watching those sweaty men... did I say there was a drought? nuf said
Massive ::heart attack
Depressed :: again, after thinking about all those imaginary men
Award ::nominee

now you copy and paste in the comments and add your own.

Sunday, and a list I can never complete but wish I could

1. Drive to San Marcos to the Outlet Mall for Potion #9 (haircare), Chico's for some casual pants for the weekend pool playing, and Bath and Body works for some hand soap for my kitchen. Pick up 3 extra boxes of stuff I left at old neighbor's house in New Braunfels done

2. Trip to the laundromat (new place doesn't have washer/dryer hookups) to do sheets, towels, and 3 loads of clothes

3. Trip to the bookstore for a book for teaching the letter G, and something good for me to read done

4. Unpacking bathroom boxes and putting stuff in the linen closet in the hall upstairs (new bathroom has no storage to speak of)

5. Organize closet (so I can find my clothes for work vs pool playing clothes)

6. Get an inspection sticker on my vehicle

7. Unpack Blue Willow Dishes done

8. Wash dishes

9. Carry out trash

10. Rearrange furniture

11. Wash the car

12. air up bike tires

13. load up school boxes and take to school on Monday

14. Write lesson plans

15. Create Display Board for polymer/snow demonstration for Science/Technology Night on Tuesday

Yeah I know I won't get it all done, it will be interesting to see what I do get done though...

Blah Blah Blah

Today was a bad day. I was/am "fussy". Had an argument/discussion via messenger with JD in Afghanistan, got pissed at Amused Muse, had no patience for RJ, and overall spent the day trying to not feel so tired I couldn't get off the couch. Finally took a nap off and on from 3-5, then returned calls from RJ.

We ended up going to eat some Mexican food, then a trip to a bar across town to play 3 games of pool and a few drinks. We thought we would go bar hopping, but then couldn't find another place we wanted to go. I was tired by 10:30 and so we came back here and watched a little of a very lame SNL.

Now I am about to retire to my comfy bed upstairs and get forty winks. A blah day and I am hoping for a better one tomorrow.

I need to get out of this funk, it is driving me nuts.

What the F***?

I have pondered a question by a fellow blogger, or should I say blogger fellow about my ex's.

Shitheads? Naive? Boring?

Ummmm can I claim all three? Actually, I should be a bit nicer than that... but I don't want to.

The first one, he is boring, we had nothing in common. I married him the same year my dad and granny bea died. Looking back I think I married him to have someone to take care of me. I knew I wanted children so I had my first at 23 less than two weeks before my birthday. I wanted about 6 children, I had 2, with the same husband, and no more. Divorced him when I realized I had lost all self esteem and identity of who I was and I wanted to regain them. He did anything, everything, I told him to. That isn't what I wanted either. It sounds good, but ladies, just be careful what you ask for. He still does do everything I tell him to, and he has been remarried for over 12 years. I would sum it up as a NON PERSONALITY.

The second, well, he wasn't my dream man, but he was my best friend. I was closer to him than I thought was possible with any man. I am not sure what happened, all I know is that he didn't want to make it work, he didn't have enough self esteem, and he didn't have the balls to let me know when I "offended" him. Now, that is just my interpretation. I lost my best friend, but I found new ones. As a lover, ... well let's just refer to the saying that there are three things in marriage you must have going for you and for each one that isn't it causes great stress. They are money issues, sex, and family relations, we had all three problems. It was doomed, and I am better off alone, so things work out for the best.

My best relationships were with men that I didn't marry, and I feel it is in my best interest to not remarry. I have learned that I can stay in it for the long haul, if he is willing to as well. I also need a man strong enough to stand up to me in a respectful way.

There is a song by Train called Meet Virginia, and I don't really want to be the queen. I just want a man to treat like a king, who will treat me like princess. I know it probably won't ever happen, but I can still dream. In the meantime, I continue to live life to the fullest.

I refer to the saying "lucky in cards, unlucky in love" so I will go play poker now.

The title seemed appropriate, what can I say?

Read whatever you want to into it, I know I am :)

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Get more bang for my buck. Get your resolution here

Day 5

Today's List

Get up (yes, sometimes it is hard to get up, esp. after a national championship football game and a Texas team won)check
Get some cash check
Stand in line to get new tags for car check
Grocery Shopping check

Day Four

Today my goal was to play poker with Jessie James. I didn't make my goal. He was late coming to get me. (actually, I drove my own car, he just came by so I could follow him there) We got to the game too late to play. Sat and drank, watched the first half of the Rose Bowl and then drove home after a brief goodnight.

SOMETHING about a man, friend or otherwise, who visits with everyone else in the bar (he knows all the poker players) and leaves me to sit at the bar drinking, drinking heavily.... on his tab.... that SOMETHING does not get brownie points in my book. I left at half time... oh yeah I already mentioned that didn't I?

I am thinking Yoga on Wednesday is the way to go.

The Rosebowl is a good game, it isn't over yet, so if the Longhorns lose, they gave USC a run for their money. If not... WOOHOO LONGHORNS!!!!

Oh yeah, did I mention, I was drinking heavily? lol, well let's just say, I am feeling it now...

Sweet dreams to all... next time remind me to go to yoga.

Nine Layers

Layer one

Name: Cindy
Birth date: January 23
Birth place: Methodist Hospital, Lubbock, Texas, USA
Current location: San Antonio, TX
Eye colour: Green
Hair colour: Brownish Red over Gray I had at 22
Height: 5' 9"
Righty or lefty: lefty
Zodiac sign: Aquarius

Layer two

Your heritage: English/German
The shoes you wore today: BORN brown leather slip-ons (first day back at school after Christmas holidays
Your weaknesses: anything "beachy", pink flamingos, anything purple, chocolate, complimentary men, men who know how to flirt without being leaches, words, people who are good with words, Rum, Chicos, and babies
Your fears: snakes
Your perfect pizza: Pizza Hut, Pepperoni Lovers with mushrooms and onions
Goal you'd like to achieve: I have my dream job, so it would be.... Traveling the world, esp. Italy, Costa Rico, Greece, and Alaska....oh and river rafting down the Colorado River

Layer three

Your most overused phrase: When I am drinking - What the Fuck, When I am not drinking ... What planet are you from?
Your first waking thoughts: I wish I had someone to bring me a diet coke
Your best physical feature: Hair, Smile
Your most missed memory: oh there are so many... Vacations with my family driving all over the state of Texas, and going to Mexico and staying over at one of the border towns for a week.

Layer four

Pepsi or Coke: Coke... Diet of course
McDonald's or Burger King: Whataburger
Single or group dates: single
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea of Nestea: Lipton Ice Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate
Capuccino or coffee: Chai Tea

Layer five

Smoke: Cigarettes, never, Wacky Weed not anymore :(
Cuss: yes, like a sailor
Sing: yes, badly but all the time
Take a shower everyday: Yes
Do you think you've been in love: yes
Want to go to college: Been There, Done That
Liked high school: hated it
Want to get married: Been There, Done That, not again, but a SO yes, I want one
Believe in yourself: yes
Get motion sickness: no
Think you're attractive: yes
Think you're a health freak: define freak...lol, no, but I like to be healthy
Get along with your parent(s): usually
Like thunderstorms: love them
Play an instrument: kazoo and tambourine

Layer six

- in the last month ......

Drank alcohol: yes
Smoked: no
Done a drug: no
Made out: yes
Gone on a date: yes
Gone to the mall: yes
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
Eaten sushi: no
Been on stage: no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: rollerblading yes
Made homemade cookies: yes
Gone skinny dipping: no, it is Winter here
Dyed your hair: no
Stolen anything: no

Layer seven
- ever ......

Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
If so, was it in mixed company: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicate: yes
Been caught "doing something!": yes
Been called a tease: yes, a very long time ago
Shoplifted: yes
Changed who you were to fit in: yes, as a teenager

Layer eight

Age you hope to be married: n/a but was at 22 and 30
Numbers and names of children: 2, Josh and Casey
Describe your dream wedding: Had it when I was 30,
How do you want to die: Quickly without any pain
Where you want to go to college: If I went again, Texas A&M
What do you want to be when you grow up: Happy
What country would you most like to visit: Italy

Layer nine

Number of people I would trust with my life: 0
Number of CDs that I own: around 50
Number of piercings: 4 - 2 in each ear
Number of tattoos: 0
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 3 that I know of ;)
Number of scars on my body: 3 that I can think of off the bat
Number of things in my past that I regret: NO REGRETS

Day 3 List

Go to the bank check
Take oldest son to dinner check
get a trashcan for upstairs check
take a walk ummm well there wasn't really enough time
unpack two boxes of course not... even though I should

(all to be done after work)

All out of Adrenaline

I have slept enough to day to make up for all my fitfilled nights for two weeks, I think. I have no desire to do anything, even though I have forced myself to get up and do a few things. I am just about to walk out the door to run some errands and pick up something for dinner, even though I don't have a clue of what I might like to eat. I believe it will be an early evening for me. I am going to make a whole-hearted effort to go for a walk in my new neighborhood about 6 pm, just to get an idea of the "path" I will want to take on future walks and try to get me of the "funk" I am feeling today.

Moving is the second most stressful life occurance right after death... is losing two children due to them thinking they are grown the same as a feeling of death? I never thought their moving out would give me any qualms, but it certainly has. It has also made me appreciate their personalities more, without the messes they make. It is a whole new world now.... lookout, here I come...

Day 2, Monday

Man I was so tired yesterday, I was late to poker playing, and not at all upset with losing early. I came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch, and sometime later woke up and put myself to bed. Of course going to bed so early, I woke up early as well. More time to get things done I suppose.

Today's List
Get the last load of moving stuff out of my car Done
Find my box of shoes well, one of them anyway, done
Put together clothes for work tomorrow (omg, I have to go back to work tomorrow, yuck) done
Wash sheets and towels will have to be done another day

That's about it, keep it light, even though, if you saw my car, you would know that isn't light. It is loaded down with the last weird stuff you aren't sure what to do with, but you know you have to move it junk.

More joy to come....

Day One, 2006

Today I hope to accomplish:

Washing the dishes done
Cooking a great meal bacon, eggs and toast... done
Playing poker with friends .....and I lost ten dollars :(
Washing Towels and hanging them up to dry done
Eat an orange (don't eat enough fruit) CA Naval Orange, it was delish
Empty 2 boxes (just moved) didn't happen
Find my box of shoes didn't happen

One great thing that already happened today.... I spent the beginning of the new year with two great men that I am glad are my friends, RJ and Jessie James. How can you have a bad year when starting it off with two men drinking champagne and trying to see fireworks on a cloudy New Year's Eve? I think it is going to be a great year.

New Year //// New Beginning

Oh I know... people write resolutions, try to change their lives at the beginning of each year, and yes, I am one of those people.

This year I am going to approach it just a little bit different. For one, you, the infinite world of blog readers (or I could just be writing to myself) are going to have a bird's eye view of my progress throughout the year.

My resolution is to make healthier choices for my psyche and phyical well being in the coming year. I am going to start by writing as often as possible about my goals I have each day.

I have one long term goal... it has to do with a bet I have with someone very close to me. I want to lose about 50 lbs. I don't know how long it will take, but I am hoping by the end of July, it will all be gone. So my weight right now will be known as X, and every week or so I will report on my blog what progress has been made or not, such as X-3, meaning I have lost three lbs.

And as I said, I will try to write a list of goals for each day, along with one thing that was good that happened as well, when I see how I progressed through my list.

I hope you all have a fruitful and wonderful new year. May your worst day of 2006 be comparable to your best day of 2005.

The Surprise

Each Christmas, my mom always strives to surprise me at least with one gift I have no idea what might be. She has gotten to where she doesn't even bring it in the house til Christmas morning. (when I was a child I would peek at all my gifts ahead of time, didn't I say I don't like surprises?) Anyway, this year...
drumroll please...... ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd... it was a very nice lounge chair for sunbathing. I was delightfully surprised, and yet perplexed. lol... is this for me to use here or at home? I asked.... wherever she says.

I know the real reason she got it. I was at the beach all summer, and I know I complained about having to get up from a very low beach chair that I was sunbathing on. I have a knee that doesn't want to bend with weight on it, so I have had to learn new ways to get up off and down onto the floor, beach, low chairs, etc.

The Perfect gift to compliment my favorite past time. Thank God for mothers... they always love you and listen to you.

I didn't get much this Christmas, but the love behind the gifts from everyone who gave me something really was shining through and that means more than anything else.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

On my way home this morning, just a mere 500 mile trek, which will find me arriving sometime around 3pm hopefully. It was a short trip. I am getting ready to move and have so many things to do, I am anxious to be home. My mom appreciated not being alone at Christmas, although it didn't even feel like Christmas to either of us. I have a new CD to listen to on the way home, so that will help when there aren't any radio stations to speak of. See you there...

New Year's Eve Poker Game Extravaganza

You are all cordially invited to my New Year's Eve Poker Game and Party. We will be having potluck munchies, BYOB libations and.... drum roll please... just for Amused Muse.... BLUE Jello shots, yes, according to AM, blue is a flavor. LMAO

Make that Blue Raspberry and Parrot Bay Jello shots. Bring your favorite holiday munching dish and your money so that I can win it all. I am told by my poker playing partner that the table will look professional, we will use chips with a buy in. Just a friendly, safe from travel on a drunken night of poker. There will be great conversation, music, a fire in the chimenea and bonding among new and old friends.

I look forward to seeing you there. (don't forget your cash, I intend to win)

The Trek Across the State

My mom lives over 500 miles away. This is the first year I have made the drive alone and will again on my way home. I have two grown sons now. AS I DROVE yesterday, I realized that not only was I driving alone for a change but that very soon I would be living alone as well. I haven't lived completely alone since I was a teenager. I believe the last time was in an apartment very similar to the one I am moving into. An upstairs\downstairs, 2 br, built around the 50's... among other things... the difference is the pool, there is a pool to go along with this one.

Another point of interest is that the drive goes much faster when alone. Suppose I had a great deal to think about. Then again, I didn't stop as often and even made a trip 30 miles out of the way to look over the house I own in Tahoka Texas. My renters are moving, and wanting their deposit check back, so I had to look it over before returning their money. It was spotless and looking as it did 4 years ago when I rented it to them. Thankfully, there was no lapse in time before the new renters move in, which will occur next week. I have been very lucky and I am glad. It is hard to rent a place over 400 miles away and know whether you got good renters or not. So, yes, I thought about this and many other things as well.

Upon arriving, my mom had potato soup ready and was baking cookies, yummy cookies. This was quite a surprise, but mainly because until this fall she has not been getting around very well. She is now making herself get out and do things. Apparently it has to do with supplemental insurance telling her they won't cover her due to her COPD, which she has had, and I believe still has, but she goes to the dr. in January and wants him to say she doesn't. I would love to say it is because she wants to be able to come see me and will fly, but after the info on the insurance the puzzle pieces all fell into place.

After soup, I layed down on her bed to watch TV (her tv room) and proceeded to take a nap without trying to. Of course I had started the big drive at 6 am and arrived at 2:30 pm. So, I suppose a good nap was in order.

Upon waking, more soup (homemade food, not passing that up) and cookies, and then discussion of a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond for some new things for my new place. You know, the boring but necessary stuff, dishrack, since I don't have a dishwasher, shower curtain, etc. So that was part of, if not all of my Christmas, as compared to the offer for new chairs to a table I have. I would love to have the chairs, but there are so many little things I feel I need more. My mom doesn't get out and shop much (see health issues above), so Christmas is very different with her these days. She does try to surprise me, since she thinks I am rarely surprised esp. by others and she thinks I need a few surprises.

What she doesn't realize is that I don't like surprises. When they are good ones they are great. Unfortunately, I think I have had more that were unpleasant that wonderful, so I am very leary of them. I cannot hide my feelings, they are written all over my face, so if it isn't something I like, it shows, and then others get their feelings hurt. However, more times than not, it is something I would rather not know/hear/find out even if it is best for me to know/hear/findout.

ex: "I'm married" or "I'm bisexual" or "I'm just not that into you" ...ok, I haven't heard that last one, but I would prefer it to the other two....

Slept all night like a baby, and now am up while mom sleeps. She sleeps in 2-3 hour spurts and is up most of the night and right now is when she sleeps the best.

The trains blowing their horns, the cold wind blowing, the dry air, the lack of anything green, and the red dirt tell me I am home. I miss the trains at times, but that is about it... the red dirt is pretty at the canyons.

Today is Christmas Eve dinner with mom. We are having duck. I can't wait. A few days rest, a great meal or 5, and some quality time with my mom. Life is good.

Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year too....

I have the Greatest Friends

RJ gave me the best Christmas Presents. First of all, he gave me a certificate for a One- Hour Body Massage. I have been having trouble with my back, mainly stress related and he knew I would love to get a massage... what a guy.. and then... on top of that... he gave me a small pocket knife I could put on my keychain. It is great, scissors and all. Now I can feel a bit safer walking to my car, and I will have a knife handy whenever I need it. Truly pure thoughtfulness... a great guy. And the best gift of all, the other night when we had drank more than we should and I stayed at his house instead of driving home, he brought me a diet coke when I woke up... priceless... there are a few things I miss and that is one of them.

Amused Muse had me in mind when purchasing a pint jar, a quart jar, fat straws and a mix drink dictionary for me. Happy Hour at my new home daily... come on over and have a drink, a dip in the pool, or a game of cards. The jars? well, you can do your measuring on the side of the jar...lol Great minds think alike...

Oralia, mentor, fellow teacher and confidant gave me a tea pitcher that you plug in and heat water in and a homemade apron for cooking in my classroom. The comforts of home... at work...

Friends are great, and I am so glad I have the ones I do.

The VFW Post

Yes, boys and girls, I was hanging out at the VFW last night... lol... well there is always a FIRST and this was certainly it.

Mr. Duvall would have been proud. He goes to one himself every once in a while.

I drank Smirnoff Ice, Raspberry of course, played Patsy Cline on the Juke Box, along with King of the Road and Jack the Knife, played a mean game of darts, made a couple of new friends, and drank so much I stayed at AM's house. It was a lovely evening.

THE KICKER:

RJ's daughter likes fancy soap from Bath and Body works, she was out of it, so I went to get her some more the other day. While I was there I was reminiscing the last gift I had from there, some wonderful vanilla and brown sugar items. I wanted something similar, just to torture myself with memories, I guess, because that is all that scent will do for me, besides make me feel wonderfully delicious.
LSS, I bought some fig and brown sugar... similar, but different enough to say "Change, it can be a good thing".

At the VFW, I used my new lotion on my hands, thinking nothing of it. A young man at least 10 years my junior walked by several times. Then, much later in the evening, he told another guy "Hey, smell her hair". I was mortified at first, then remembered that many men do comment on how good my hair smells, so I obliged. Then I realized he was referring to the scent of the lotion. So I went over and offered my hand.... for a sniff that is, and he said "yeah, that's it, what is that?" and I told him...

I know one thing boys and girls, I will be wearing that lotion anytime I go out for a long time. Perhaps it will help some new memories come along and help me forget the old ones, or at least push them out of my consciousness.

THE LIST

Haven't seen one of these for awhile eh?

Buy boxes... check (yes, Amused Muse talked me into it, but it looks to be a smart idea so far... good boxes to move, well packed, well marked, may not be unpacked for awhile)

Pack boxes... started, won't finish anytime soon
Clean Bathroom
Eat Pizza (it's on it's way) check
Price new furniture check (so I don't wish I had it, when I see how outrageously priced it is, but it is a beautiful mission style)
Pay bills
Change over utilities ..check
Wash Clothes 1 load done,

try to calm down (I am getting really excited about my move)

What a difference a DAY makes

My oh My was I ready for a holiday break. Today is Tuesday and it feels like Sunday, yesterday felt like Saturday... yes, I just had a double... double weekend that is.

Horoscopes?

This is mine for today.... eerie isn't it?

Horoscopes
Aquarius
Daily singles love (by Astrology.com)Create some space for new love to come into your life. That may mean revamping some of your current attitudes about what love means, or even cutting off something or someone from the past. -

Chief and links

La Laquet sent me directions for making a link, so here is my first attempt. My dog, Chief is up for adoption. He is a fantastic dog and I have one very interested family and I am so glad. It is like giving your children away and I am very sad to see him go, but glad he will be well taken care of.

Woo Hoo Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week

Yes, boys and girls, Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.

Why? Why not Friday or Saturday, or even Sunday?

Because boys and girls, Wednesday means it is only two more days til the weekend... lol

And after Friday, I am free for two glorious weeks. I am going to celebrate Friday night with a night out on the town with my good friend RJ. We are going to dinner at PF Changs (they have this luscious new drink called a Poolside, it is green and very potent) and then pool playing at my favorite, least smokey bicycle club. I am excited.... plus RJ promised my own personal letter from Santa, that I can't read in front of my students (he played the big guy and answered all my student's Letters to Mr. C) .

Yes, I do still believe in Santa, and if there was a year I need to believe, it is this one.

Hoorah for Wednesday!!!

WHY?

Why do we make such fools of ourselves? There is a man in my past, or rather, he should be in my past, and yet he pops up in my thoughts at the worst possible times. My bestest friend has a man she can't get over, she isn't done...she can't write the last chapter yet, it is true, it really is her problem, unfortunately, it is also my problem. I have one of those myself...

An IMPOSSIBLE situation, that I know will be no more than what it is... IN the PAST.

Unfortunately, just as my friend, I find it hard at times to NOT call, write, stalk, harrass, or blackmail. Oh wait, yes... I said stalk, harrass and/or blackmail... hmmm that must be why those people who do those things actually DO do those things...

I want to let it go
I pretend to let it go
I go for weeks/months without acting on it, and THEN

I do something stupid, I look more and more "flaky", I fuck up any chance that THAT person will ever even consider me a real friend or more ever again.

Amused Muse shared something she has done recently and I could so relate to how bad she felt and how much she regretted her actions, and she made contact with her, for lack of another word, "obsession". Yes, we are obsessed, but somehow, I don't think we are alone.

RJ and I talked about it at dinner, without mentioning names, and his thought on what it takes to get past it was the same as mine. You have to meet someone... someone who, in your eyes, is bigger than life, or at least bigger than the one that you can't let go of.

At this point, I don't know if there will ever be anyone "bigger" than life, or if I will have to just wait it out and hope that it wears off, or fades away or dies, or whatever...

What I do know is that sometimes I wish I had never known him and other times I know that for a few fantastical wonderful days, nights and meetings in the park, I had what everyone lives their entire lives to find and I should just feel lucky to have found it once.

Then again, isn't it all just in my head and no better or worse than I want to make it?

Why does it come back time and time again with such fury to take over my moods and attention span?

I don't know, but I do know it is both a curse and blessing and I face it each time with such opposing emotions.

Amused Muse had her guard down yesterday and she made some choices that I could understand and relate to, and at the same time, talking to her about it just dug up my own emotions and thoughts... so here it is, maybe if I put it down in words it will get out of my head....

why? because I want to be rid of it. I want to be rid of the things that remind me of feelings so raw and so strong that I became a complete other person, and I am not sure if it was worth it or not,

Why? Because, whether curse or blessing, it hurts just the same.

I'm So Excited (and I just can't hide it)

As of today, I have movers, I have a day to move, the 29th of December, and I have a fantastic place to move to.

Everytime another detail falls into place I get more and more excited. I drive by my new digs nearly everyday, I am so excited. I am about to call and get all utilities etc. moved over and in place and I am excited.

I have a New Year's Eve game of Poker planned and I am excited.

Now all I have to do is pack and have it all ready for when the movers show up. I also need to get this place spic and span so it will be a no brainer after moving day.

Chief (dog) needs a new home, but I think that will fall into place soon as well. We will see...

My Pysche and Anniversarys

I think your psyche knows when an anniversary, good or bad, is approaching and it affects your mood/personality for that time period until the date is passed. Amused Muse seems to get sick on the anniversary of her marriage anniversary, even though they are divorced... her body and pysche know that it is a sad day for her, and they spin their webs to control her emotions. I have one of those working for me right now. One I didn't think I would ever feel anything about, but it must be, for I am not in the least interested in the holidays and celebrations this year, but perhaps next week, it will fade away, we will see.

So, I am either sleeping to ignore it, or I am planning out my new year resolutions, and only ones that are realistic.

Get in better shape/less in, more out
Take up reading/ stamping, anything but internet and TV, giving them up as much as I can.
Clean off my desk once a week.
Only go in Chico's when I have money to spend and they have a sale (that's a big one)

What are your resolutions?

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

My big move is coming up and as I prepare, I find it is harder than I thought it was going to be. I have to give my dog away... his pictures can be found http://bennu2.blogspot.com/ here. I wish I knew how to make that a pretty link, but I don't. Children growing up and moving on is easier for me than finding a home for the best dog I have ever had in my life. I have bawled about it all day, and I haven't even begun to find him a home, just thinking about it makes me so sad.
That, and finding a mover, and trying to get my son to pack his stuff for when he is out of state, so I don't have to do it... all on the heels of a fit of sickness that has my voice disappearing and reappearing on a day to day basis, a hacking cough, achey body, and bitchy feelings...
Went to the dr. yesterday, gave me an antibiotic but the thing I really need he said was rest and liquids.... hmmm can they be alcoholic libations? that I could go for... oh yea, muse quit drinking so I have to support her, so I quit too... ok, so can I please just take a nap until it is all over with?

A Walking Contradiction I am

(yoda speak for old times sake)

Yes boys and girls. Today I am sick, more sick than yesterday, having lost my voice. Actually it has been dragging on for weeks now. I got better for about a week and then it came back. I may have a scratchy voice, sore throat, achy body and constant tiredness for awhile, if I live... but I digress.

During the day, I get nothing done but children and their work. Wanting to get the class Christmas tree up, I stayed after today, put it up and cleaned somewhat. Of course, that was after I had left for Tortilla Soup (mexican version of chicken soup) and returned. I finally left about 8 pm. On the way home I knew I needed to go by the dollar store. We are working on many holiday crafts and as good as my student's parents are, they haven't come up with all the supplies. I am breaking down to purchase some on my own, due to my own personal Santa providing some funds to spend on my class. As I drove, I began to think about how much better my throat felt after drinking hot soup and hot tea earlier in the day. I decide that tea will keep me up, but hot cocoa sounds really good. In the end, it is decided, in my feeble mind, that hot cocoa from Starbucks would be great. Once there, the idea of peppermint hot cocoa with whip cream is the cat's meow.... then I drive to the dollar store to be a spend thrift...lol... what a walking contradiction. 3 bucks for hot cocoa but unwilling to spend more than a buck per supply for school.... I am sick, and it ain't physical... lol

Little Things and Big Things

Those who know me, and know me well, KNOW that I keep a never ending list of "oh I wish I had" items going 24/7 and they are very specific things, not in general, for instance, a few of them are:

A black bullet head trashcan for my new kitchen (not just a trashcan, but a specific one)

A blender, a retro one that looks like it is from the 50's in silver (can't think of that word for metal)

A bread box (retro, of course)

Pink Flamingos for my bathroom ( I can go whole hog now that I don't have to share it with men)

BUT TO TELL THE TRUTH
it is the little things in life mean the most to me.... like

a slice of chocolate icebox pie at Tip Top Cafe

a call from Mr. Duvall, just to see how I am doing and to let me know he has been out deer watching (he isn't angry at them anymore so he doesn't shoot them, even though he has the gun with him).

a cold diet coke being served to me first thing in the morning

a chocolate shake at Cheesy Janes

a drive around to see the Christmas lights, and listening to Holiday Music

a hug from a 5 year old

a baby's smile

a call from one of my sons

a sharp repertoire of words with someone in jest

A Venti Chai Tea with good conversation

a good toast

the sun on my face

breakfast on a campfire as the sun rises

a walk along the beach

frolicking in the ocean

A stiff Parrot Bay and Diet RC with lime in a tall glass with a straw

and many more... so if I can have any of these for Christmas, they are probably more valuable to me than the things on the Big list.

Serendipity

Life is not simply a series of meaningless acts or coincidences, but rather it is tapestry of an exquisite, divine plan. If we are to live life in harmony with the universe we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call fate and what we currently refer to as destiny.

I could use a little more faith, I need some harmony.


(I didn't write it, but I like what it says)

Alex Trex, Where are YOU?

It is already December, it is nearly the end of the year. The goal I had for the end of the year is not going to materialize. So, Alex, thanks for the good wishes (months ago) on my goal, but it is, alas, not going to be reached.... even though many other things I didn't plan on have come to fruition. If, by my birthday, things have not changed, I believe a new plan is needed... if not sooner. I miss you my friend, I hope all is going your way as it seems.

Traditions

The Christmas Lights in Johnson City at the local Electric Coop are amazing. An entire city block of trees around their offices that are completely covered in trees. I drive through there every year and some years travel back just to see the lights. This year, we came home from my mom's before dark, so I haven't seen them yet this year. A short trek to view this wondrous wonder will take place in a week or so, as I try to convince Amused Muse and/or RJ to join me. JD and I had plans to go last night, but life happens and it didn't turn out that way, and tomorrow he is on his way back to Afghanistan. So, in the meantime, here are some pictures from years past, even though they don't do them justice, it is magical and romantic....

My traditions are changing, but they are just as memorable. The Johnson City lights, poker games on New Years, dancing on my birthday, days on the beach as often as I can get there, and duck with oyster dressing on Thanksgiving (esp. with orange sauce, my oh my it was good). What traditions do you cherish?

A Woman's Prerogative or That Sounds Fishy To Me

Wow, how can I rent a place, unrent a place and rent another place in less than a day? I don't know, but I did.

I feel great about the new place, so here are the stats for those of you who want to come over for great dinners and entertaining. I now have a two bedroom condo, with a small yard and a pool view. I am so happy that I could just jump up and down and yell and laugh.

It is the same complex as the studio apt. (which was way too small). Built in the 50's (my fav), gas stove, wood floors, huge storage area under the stairs (yes, stairs to bedrooms), tile counters, end unit, so windows on the East, West (Bedroom windows) and AND< AND the south.... with trees right out the South and West windows, and a tree in the backyard, the parking is right behind or beside it, it is looks over the POOL, yes d.k. it is a pool view and that is what made it deliciously mine... I cannot wait... there will be invitations to a New Year's Eve housewarming, which may include poker playing... but I know that I am now, just as thrilled as I should be about getting my own place and where and what it is... I would have taken pictures, but I don't have a working camera.... and then the stealthy blogger in me says you don't need no stinking pictures, just think about paned glass windows, a mailslot by the front door, a 50's kitchen and cool cabinets, a dining area and a great living area, upstairs and down, and for those out of town guests or grown children, an extra bed. Oh... I feel so much better. And now, now boys and girls, I am excited, and with the first choice I was very wary and with good cause, that I won't discuss here, other than the title. I am dancing in my chair as I write this. But alas, it is bedtime, so goodnight my sweets, until tomorrow, parting is such sweet sorrow.

A Room With a View

JD and I spent the weekend in a Suite on Town Lake in Austin *yes a suite, it was great. We were several floors up and had a great view of the lake and Congress Avenue. He took a picture of me looking out the window this morning as two kayaks manuevered their way across the water. The sun was shining, the view was great, and the picture wasn't half bad so I have attached it.

TATS

Tattoos... I have thought many times over the years about getting one. Haven't done it yet. Even went into the parlor in Galveston on several occasions, and found some I liked, but none I thought I wanted to live with for the rest of my life or I didn't know for sure where I would have it done on my body.

Last weekend, JD and I were at Howl at the Moon on the riverwalk in San Antonio. There were many young girls in there, including a group of young ladies dressed as naughty Catholic Schoolgirls, rulers and all. More than one of them had a tat on her lower back and it showed. One of the piano players made a remark about it and said that he would prefer a woman have an article or something he could read while effing her. It was funny at the time (of course I was drinking). I would not pick my lower back, but I do see the allure. I have had a few temporary tats that I really liked. A Dragon, A lizard, an anklet Nordic design are among them as the most memorable . I believe I enjoyed them for the short time they were a part of me, the lizard imparticular, and the application there of was intersting as well, and I suppose that if I keep that in mind, it would make me more inclined to pick a design and a place to put it. However, I can't help but think that my "window" of opportunity has passed and I hesitated. Hmmm, sounds like many things in my life... but anyway... I enjoy seeing some tats on some people, hearing the stories behind them, but cannot force the idea of having one to go away or act on it either, so I will just let it go. If it is meant to occur, the time and place will present themselves, and if it isn't... then the window is closed, and it was not meant to be.

Do you have a tat? what is it, and why did you get it? Any interesting story attached?

It's a Done Deal

New Home found.... will not be comfortable until all the moving is done... had to pick the paint first, so it will give me some time to pack and sell.

Thought about selling the kayak, but alas, the purchase of it is one of my best memories, so I think RJ is going to store it for me until we can go kayaking. We? well, that is whoever I can talk into going along.

Will have to sell many other things. Thinking about a huge sale right after I move everything that will fit in to my new teeny tiny abode.

It's hard to move. Not that I like where I am, it is just all those damn skeletons in the those closets that I don't care to disturb. Plus, in the middle of a school year doesn't help. RJ suggested the Three Stooges Moving Company, they come in and move it all, using their truck.... that sounds good.... Do they pack and unpack and decorate too? Oh my... I am getting tired just thinking about it.

A New Home

Ok boys and girls here are the prospects, Let me know what you think:

studio apt. for 400 bucks a month- pool, gas stove, wood floors, no washer dryer hookups, bathette (not a full bath), window unit heat/air located off Basse and McCullough (guess I should learn how to spell that eh?)

Guest house 695 month- private, full house, washer/dryer hookups, huge walk in closet, completely redone, all bills paid, including basic cable, hard wood floors, kitchen bathroom tile throughout. Central Heat and Air, located in Alamo Heights.... *and no pool :(

It does seem to be a no brainer doesn't it? or does it? What do you think?

Home for the Holiday

Calgon Take me away................


Actually, after talking to Amused Muse, it isn't as bad as I thought it was.

She was unwrapping caramels to make a nasty creation on the back of a can... and it involved the microwave... I was howling and rolling on the floor as she regaled me with this tale... to understand it fully, you have to know AM, and that she cooks everything from scratch and only uses a microwave to heat things up when they are left overs or popcorn. She also has been having trouble with her arthritis, so unwrapping the individual caramels did a number on her...

Oh ok, so I can relax about the incompetence of the help at the book store and how they don't know prominent authors names and won't get off their backsides to help you look on the SHELF for a book. And I can overlook the snooty sales GIRL at my favorite dress shop and how she didn't want to wait on me because of how I was dressed or something.... but the young lady who did wait on me made a good sale with my holiday dress for the Christmas party.... and then there is my mother telling me how to drive, wear my hair, stand in line, and fussing at me because I don't have any change in my purse. I can relax now... because Amused Muse showed me the way.... Thanks, My friend, I give thanks for you and all you do to help me stay on an even keel.

A Picture Meme

Borrowed from le laquet ... a picture meme
This is how you play :: do a Google image search of the following and post the first (or favorite if you want to cheat, but label it so) result for each::
The name of the town where you were born
The name of the town where you live now
Your name
Your grandmother’s name (just pick one)
Your favorite food
Your favorite drink
Your favorite song
Your favorite smell

I did it and posted and for some reason the pictures went in ascending order rather than descending. Funny it couldn't find my grandmother's real name, had to use her "nickname".

Bennu's Christmas List

A PLACE TO LIVE (weren't you looking for me one RJ?)
1. Socks... they are special ones of course, from Prima Sports
2. New walking/running shoes, just like my old ones
3. One pair of Keds so I can wear them to school
4. New underwear from Jockey
5. Gift certificate from Chico's (always a great gift anytime)
6. Starbucks gift card
7. digital camera (mine died)
8. New pocket knife (I gave mine away and never got a new one)
9. Housekeeper (Hey, it is a WISH LIST)
10. Kayak goodies, seat backs, paddles, etc....
11. vacuum cleaner
12. dustmop/broom for tile floor
13. A day at the spa (just for RJ, because he thinks I should want jewelry and this is as expensive)



Ummm well it isn't finished yet, and I am too tired to think... it is more of a reminder for me of what to work toward than anything else... what would you put on your wish list?

School WISH LIST

1. Two books, The Twelve Days of Christmas and Twas the Night Before Christmas by Jan Brett.... (someone has already purchased two beautiful copies of these books, but I need regular copies to use in class for 3 weeks) Got Them

2. Uniball pens, purple or black, medium point.... the really SMOOTH ones...

3. A Christmas Tree for our class

4. Manheim Steamroller Christmas CD to play in class

5. VHS Tape of Polar Express to show with that unit Got it (Thanks JD)

6. Instant Teapot I can plug in to make hot water or tea

7. Hot plate for in class cooking

8. Handwriting Practice Books Got them

more info when I think of it...

OK, a Little Telling, without the Kissing Part

The day long date:

Lunch= great, food, great, company, great... just great

Afternoon= relaxing, enjoyed it immensely, we talked a little, we laughed quite a bit, and we learned a little bit more about each other.

The View= from the 22nd floor of the Marriot was FANTABULOSO. That's now the easiest way to impress me. I have seen views of city lights from highrise condos and everytime, I love it, it is just like Christmas. I could live in a highrise apt. complex or a condo... but they aren't in my price range. It was great right before dark, when the sky was dark purple, and the clouds were showing and the city lights were coming on... right before we left for dinner.

Dinner= Paesanos was WONDERFUL, thank you, the food was divine, we sat outside, the river was close, the drinks were good, the company could not have been better.

Howl at the Moon= after a small altercation of getting a seat to sit in (JD lost his temper, but regained his composure fairly fast, remember he has not had much sleep and traveled 9000 miles to see me, so I can overlook a small altercation) it was a great time... the music lifted my spirits even further, if that was possible, we laughed, we drank, we sang, we held hands... woohoo... of course we were holding hands since we met, but I still like it...

That's it... a great date, and I have been asked for another next weekend... so I am thrilled...

Is This a Break?

Spent Friday evening with Amused Muse and then tortuous shopping for undergarments. Amused Muse had me concerned about the quality of my undergarments for my date with JD... that shopping expedition took all evening... Saturday morning I slept in til 8, got up, watched a few things I had on the DVR, JD called (*surprised, yes I was) on his way to the seminar he had been planning on attending. Then I got up and started getting ready to meet him. Left the house at noon, spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with him. It went far better than I could have hoped for. Of course we still don't really *know* each other, but so far so good. (no, I am not kissing and telling, but I will say... if I hadn't kissed, I could have told...lol)
Sunday morning I traversed the roads again to eat breakfast with JD, then came home to take a nap. RJ and I had planned a cup of Joe with good convo, so he called after an hour of napping, and I got up and went, somewhat reluctantly, since I wanted to sleep... but it was my idea, and I needed to get up and get moving.
Met him at the local constellation gazing dollar hungry coffee shop and had Chai Tea, yum... we traded stories of how our Sat. Night dates went... both went swimmingly, and we decoded the woman/man code of the things the counterpart to our dates said, asked, implied... it is nice to have a spy to help interpret. Then we bought coffee for my mom at Whole Foods, the holiday Celebration flavor, a build your own 6 pack and some Cliff Bars for RJ and a candle for me. Then he reminds me that I wanted to eat, but he wasn't really hungry... ummm there's a PF Changs, wanna have a lite bite? So we end up at the bar, eating appetizers and RJ has a martini (he is very picky about them, and I could tell the bartender was well versed in his martini building skills so I watched in anticipation of a really good martini for RJ, and it was. After eating, I wanted to have a really good drink, and, having never had a drink at PFC, I chose to look over the "specialty drink" menu.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO I like the name Poolside for a drink, does it have what I like in it... woohoo, it does, rum, rum, and more rum... yummy. It also has OJ and PJ in it. YUM... and Blue Cuaracao (sp?)... I suppose to look like a pool... I ordered it.
It came out GREEN... boys and girls, a green drink is just not natural to me...ok ok , I get it... most drink colors are not natural... red, blue, etc... and green is more natural than some of them, but this drink was a funky green, I suppose due to the blue and the fruit juices... but it was YUMMY... I could have sat by the pool...ummm bar, all day and drank them... but I would not have been able to get up if I had.
While enjoying my yummy drink, Amused Muse calls, and she has finished painting her wall and asks for a discerning eye to view it. I end up getting an invitation for homemade burgers with a warning her SO is home. Oh honey, I will be nice, I don't mind him, I just don't like the way he does you... but he won't do it in front of me.
Finish my drink and visit with RJ, then we say our Turkey Goodbyes and Thanksgiving wishes and I drive ALL THE WAY to AM's house. Stayed for great burgers, saw the wall, it was great, moved the china cabinet since Amused Muse has a hurt shoulder, read the paper (yes still looking for a place) and was friendly to the man in her life.

Drove home to a house that needs cleaning, work that I should do, and this morning I am suppose to have already left for a week with my mom... so when am I having a break so I can get my house in order... .guess I will have to invent one.

Your Say and I Think

1. Heads up:: Forewarning
   
2. Kicker :: Cowboy
   
3. Aggressive:: ???? mind was blank
   
4. Getting ugly:: drama
   
5. To be continued:: bummer
   
6. Twist:: and Shout
   
7. Form:: paperwork
   
8. On the road:: road trip
   
9. Import:: Export
   
10. Flowers:: *smile* For ME? I LOVE White Daisys, Sunflowers and mixed bouquets, but roses, pink or yellow will bring tears of joy and I will melt in the palm of your hand.
    

Thanksgiving Turkeys

All week I have been creating Thanksgiving memoraliabilia, ok, crap, for my students to wear, have, take home, after our Thanksgiving FEAST today. The best thing we did was the Turkeys out of gourds. Some pictures are here, but they don't do them justice, they are so much more fun in person.
We also baked pumpkin pies... the yummiest recipe I have ever had, made Sweet Potato Casserole, Roasted a Turkey in class today, and made my family favorite, Pink Fuzzy Jumping Stuff (actually a fruit salad with jello, whipping cream and marshmallows). It was divine and the students all loved it (well most of them loved most of it). Parents were great help and it went as smoothly as any other Thanksgiving dinner I have done at any grade level.

But NOW... it is OVER and I can think of other things...like my date with JD tomorrow... he called tonight, oh ladies, I think this is going to be a very good date.... we will see... lord knows I have made worse choices and lived through the consequences.

I have a date at the River Walk

Yes, boys and girls, I have a date on Saturday for drinks, dinner, dessert ;) and musical enjoyment at the River Walk in San Antonio. JD will be here, with a room right on the river (calm down, calm down.... yes I am talking to myself) ... anyway, Paesanos, good choice courtesy of RJ's suggestion.
A very nice time out on the town... when is the last time I got to do that... well, if you have to think about it, it's been too long... yes it has. I am still absolutely giddy... and that is him in the pic... not bad eh... lol

Salmagundi

Many things are on my mind this evening, and some not at all.

Less than a week now til I meet J.D. After discussing the situation with RJ, I am told, I may be a demolition expert. I tend to agree. So, if I make it til next Saturday, without creating an explosion, I will meet J.D.

Friday at school we had Stone Soup, after learning all about the book all week. The students brought veggies and all the stuff they mention in the book. We cooked on a hotplate and ate a little of it after all had eaten their lunch. The kids all loved it. We are going to have a great week this week too. Creating turkeys for Thanksgiving, out of dried gourds and having a FEAST on Friday. I can't wait til we are celebrating Christmas... I love the holidays and my students and I have so much fun.

Today I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman and it was pretty good, and then I watch Breakfast at Tiffany's, which was great and I don't think I had ever seen the whole thing. Pretty racy stuff being a man who is kept by a rich married woman... for when it was made... There was a line in Diary that I really liked, and maybe someday I will have the opportunity to use it. There was a scene where the woman is breaking up with the new boyfriend, and asks him to be friends... and he says something to the effect of "you just don't get it do you? Why would I give you up only to give you the best part of me? " You go guy, I know that feeling exactly.

Customer from Hell

Yes, boys and girls, I am the customer from hell. I don't try to be, it just turns out that way... I expect service, I expect to get my money's worth, and apparently, I am a tight wad of late... or at least I want to feel like I got what I paid for.
Rick and I had a great breakfast at Gini's in San Antonio today. We had neither one ever been there, but I see the sign every morning on the way to work about how they have the best pancakes in town. I have been having a craving for Magnolia's in Austin, so in this case, advertising did pay. The omelette I wanted was 6.99 for a basic 3 egg omelette, and .50 extra for each item, and of course 1.00 for spinach, so I had that with bacon, onions, and cheese. Subbed a pancake for the bread and had hashbrowns... and as I realized that was what I would get, I told Rick it was a 10 dollar breakfast, but I was going to get it.
He, on the other hand, just wanted french toast and sausage (and I am not a FT fan, but it was to die for).
The point? I have found that when I am out with Rick or Terry, they feel the need to 'fore warn" the wait person that I am "high maintenance" and to "beware"...
NO>>> I just want what I pay for... so if you want a tip, the service should reflect it. And, if I order a 10 dollar omelette, I expect it to be good. It was fantastic by the way... I will go back there, again.

So, for once and for all, here is the scoop... I once waited tables and bartended, and was a cocktail waitress as well... when you serve a cocktail, you should put a beverage napkin down first. Every drink served that should have a garnish has one, not just the first drink. The time to offer them another is when their drink is just about half empty. The customer is always right and you work to make the experience for them a good one.

Terry and I were at a reputable steak restaurant chain last Wednesday, and the bill was about 80 dollars (yes I ate dinner, but we also were drinking to get fizzuphin (Terry swears it's a word in german that means drunk, but I don't know how to spell it, so I don't know if it's true, if you know let me know) and we neither one felt like we could drink enough to get drunk.
LSS< I didn't think he deserved a tip. He was rude, didn't use bevnaps, let me sit there over 10 minutes with an EMPTY glass more than once, didn't give me a fresh straw with each drink and .... and... would not answer my calls using his name. There were less than 8 other customers at the bar...but even when I think some one doesn't deserve a tip, I usually leave 10 percent, which in this case I did.

And, YES< I know how it sounds, but I also know that people in the service industry do not really provide the service that was provided a mere 20 or so years ago. I suppose most people don't expect service either....

I tend to expect more out of people than most people do... and it gets me labeled as high maintenance or the customer from hell. So Be It.

The Pitfalls of Chatting Online

I have had friends I have chatted with online for many many years, some come, some go, and always, always, there is that margin of error in reading what you think it says and not getting what the writer intended. You only read into what you want to read. Some friends last less than a minute, some last more than 5 years (my australian friend, who is there when I am suffering from insomnia). There is the wide gammut of the in between folks.
I almost lost my new friend the other day... and for no good reason that I could see, we weren't reading what we wanted to read, or were we, into the conversation.
Yes we are down to less than 7 days, and for him even less due to the fact he loses a day when he flies home.
Anyway, the pitfalls of chatting online are numerous.. just as you are reading this, it is the same. You may think I am being sarcastic, or serious, or not serious at all, depending on what is going on in your little head. It really sucks... so to alleviate that misunderstanding before you really know anything at all about someone, I usually try to meet someone as soon as possible... which when they live half way around the world, it is very, VERY, difficult to know the other's sense of humor, abilitiy to use sarcasm, or create a light joking atmosphere... and make sure your audience knows where you are coming from..
Caveat Emptor

I Love Teaching Kindergarten

Mr. Duvall called me today... to see how I was doing... I found myself gushing and expressing what a great time I am having teaching kinder. I absofuckinglutely LOVE it... it is exactly what I have always wanted to do... of course we talked about other things, but when I got off the phone, I realized how much I really meant what I said to him about it (and no, the above is not an exact quote, I would not use THAT word with him). Some parts of my life have definitely improved in the last 6 months... and I realized it tonight when he called... and he made me smile.. I hadn't heard from him in... oh more than a month, and I haven't seen him since April... so it was good to hear from him. He definitely could tell things were better with me, or so he said...

I love teaching kinder... and it shows...lol

Love Life is looking up

It is still in the infant stages but things are looking hopeful for the most recent candidate J.D.. Amazingly enough, that is his real name... I have been restraining from sharing my excitement with the world, so as not to jinx it, but I got the sweetest email from him today. I just can't contain myself any longer.
The rest is still a mystery, but in 12 days, more will be shared, or actually 14 days, because I get to "officially" meet him in 12 days. Now I know that sounds funny, but he is half way around the world working as a Physician's Assistant in Kuwait and will be here on leave in 12 days.
Now you know I am very cautious, but so far, he has not raised a single red flag... which is amazing.

I am absolutely giddy, and my students have noticed it, as well as some others who don't know me as well.

Have a great day everybody, I know I did after I read that email.

Post Awards Day

My students were so great for the awards. They walked up, shook my hand, took their awards, and then stood in a line for recognition. Afterwards, they sat in their chairs and put their certificates/ribbons on the table and didn't mess with them.... REMEMBER they are 5 YEAR OLDS... I was so proud. They were so much more well-behaved than the other classes. I rewarded them with lunch with me in the classroom and we watched Scooby Doo on TV... the first time I have done that this year... it won't be a regular thing. Anyway, all that hard work on my part and on theirs is paying off...

AWARDS DAY

I love teaching kindergarten. This is the first year I have taught it. Halloween was my first major reminder... "Oh yeah, I am the first impression they have for school" ... man that is a big job...

Today is the first AWARDS DAY, and I am nervous... it is their first award, it will dictate for them what these ceremonies will mean to them for the rest of their lives. I am not a big advocate of "give everyone an award" but hey, this is kindergarten, they are going to be crushed if they don't get one. ....

I have to go get dressed now... you would think I was going to the Oscars as much as I have fussed over what to wear.

Flirting is so much fun

I really enjoy flirting. Not your random, be a flirt to everyone, flirting. I like flirting with someone who I have a small crush on or a large crush. Flirting with someone you are getting to know well or know very well, who is potentially a significant other. Yes, boys and girls, I finally met someone who might turn into something other than a single date or two. It is hard to tell now, but we will see... I am definitely enjoying the flirting.

House Hunting

Still looking, it is amazing, that even with a "professional" helping me, none of the ones I have looked at so far, float my boat.

No More Mr. U

Well, that didn't last long. Long story short:

He's a misogynist, but he is no Charlie Harper.... got up and left during the ballgame, left him holding the "bag". Right after his last poorly chosen comment about me. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

An Email from RJ

I started to respond on you blog but thought maybe you would rather not have the world read this. You are a very good friend. It amazes me that in the span of 6 short months I would be at a point that I could tell you that (As you know I am not a very open person and it generally takes people considerably longer periods of time to reach the level of openness that we have.). After reading you last couple of posts on your blog I saw you selling yourself short. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the positive qualities you have to offer in a relationship. In my own inept way I was trying to remind you of those things yesterday and today, and that someone completely hung up on physical characteristics wasn't worth your time. While appearances have their place (all be it limited) they do not control who we are. I realize that some of your insecurities are based on your perception of yourself, and maybe that is because no one reminds you that you do have alot to offer. So I wanted to do just that. That is the real point of this email. Bennu, you are an attractive, vibrant woman. Yes I said attractive .... just look at some of the women in the HEB next time your there, even without makeup and in sweats you are attractive .... it has to do with the way you carry yourself. I don't see you as overweight (I know we have had this discussion .... just listen), a few extra pounds perhaps, but you are active and energetic (I'm not sure I could handle 21 5 year olds for 8 hours a day). You have alot going on in your life right now, but somehow you manage to still meet your commitments and for the most part handle it all. I know of people with less stress in their lives that can barely stumble through their day. You know what you want. Hell I wish I knew for sure what I want. You are a giving person with true concern for your friends. Your loyal and would do anything for a friend, Amused Muse couldn't ask for a better person to keep an eye on her (neither could I). I guess what I want you to remember is you deserve a good, decent, honest and loyal significant other. Don't settle for something less. If a woman's physical appearance is the main thing on Mr. U's list then he isn't worth your time. You bring alot to a relationship and don't discount the importance of those things you bring to the table. I care about you and hate to see you discouraged. Smile ... maybe even laugh (your eyes really light up when you laugh). Take care
RJ
P.S. Just so you know there is no way I would have written this much on your blog.

MY Response:
Thank you so much for the Pep Talk, RJ. ... I need (ed) it. Funny thing is that Mr. U never acted like my physical self was not up to snuff, I did that to myself... all of the sudden all of my insecurities rose to the surface and overtook my being for a few days... I am now on the road to recovery, but the fact that you wrote such great things and when I know you don't compliment often, I wanted to share it with the world.

Bennu

Second Date Discussion With RJ (since he thinks I didn't reveal enough of myself in the last conversation post)

RJ: So you and Mr. Universe have a date Tuesday?
B: I don't know if it is a date or a park and grab
RJ: Park and Grab?
B: I left my jacket at his house. His message said the soonest he could get back to me was Tuesday.... what does that mean to you? Here, listen to the voice mail he left me...

(intermission)

RJ: Sounds positive to me, it might be a date.
B: Yeah but 5 days later? what is he doing in the mean time?
RJ: Maybe he went out of town...
B: yeah (and thinks "with some other woman")

silence...

B: I just think he is too perfect for me, I have good self esteem, but he has me questioning it... I am not as self confident as I come across most of the time. You see my insecurities more than anyone else right now, because I share them with you.
RJ: Fleeting glimpses, I get fleeting glimpses of them...
B: yeah, but in my head, they are constant. I am not comfortable with my weight... I feel like I am athletic, but some men have flat out told me I am fat, so that is what comes to mind when someone with the physique of Mr. U is around. I feel like I am not good enough. The thing is... he was a perfect gentleman.... he never even looked like it bothered him, much less said anything... so just like you, who thinks that some woman is going to say no if you ask her out again, I don't think he is interested in pursuing anything with "me" due to my insecurities.

RJ: yeah, but you shouldn't feel insecure.
B: Thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence, and I am working on it.


B: Are you going to go out with E again soon?
RJ: I don't know, it just wasn't comfortable
B: what about the other one you went out with last week
RJ: I don't think she is interested...
B: why
RJ: I don't know...

ahhhhhhhh I am not the only one... dating sucks



COMMENTARY:

RJ, we all have insecurities, mine come from comments people in my past have made to me. I take things (words) very seriously, and the perfectionist part of me won't let me be "ok" or "good" enough at times.

Plus, I overthink things way too much... hence why my knee recovery was so poor, I didn't do things "automatically" and now I find that if I am wrangling 22 5 year olds up stairs, I climb them just fine, but if I am by myself, I think I have to limp due to my knee... I need to let go and let things happen more often...

A Dating Conversation between Bennu and RJ

RJ: Well, how was your date?
B: Good, it was good. How was your date?
RJ: It was ok I guess...
B: Ok? Just Ok? What happened?
RJ: I don't know, it was just ok.
B: Oh come on... you let me spill my guts about my dates but you won't give up any info... what the F.... ?
RJ: I just don't feel like I can let my guard down and be myself.
B: Oh ok, so she is uptight is she?
RJ: Well uptight isn't the word I would use... but in a way... yes
B: What happened?
RJ: I was home at 9 pm.
B: So, I have been home from a good date at 9 before.
RJ: I can't say things that I normally would say...
B: oh stuff that you would say in front of me, but you aren't sure how some other women would respond?
RJ: Yeah, you just laugh it off or make a comment... I am not sure how she would respond
B: Yeah, I don't fuss at you about it... I don't do that, unless it embarrasses me, and you haven't done that. I think you were more comfortable doing that with me because I cuss in front of you...
RJ: maybe...
B: So did you walk her to her car?
RJ: yes, we rode the shuttle to the parking lot, I walked her to her car, she drove off and I drove off.
B: Did you kiss her goodnight?
RJ: no
B: Why not?
RJ: It just didn't feel right...
B: What? why not?
RJ: Consider present company...

Yes folks, RJ and I went out as possible dates for quite some time, but he never did kiss me. Now we are great friends, without the weirdness of knowing each other beyond friends.

RJ: Did you kiss your date
B: YES (smiling uncontrollably)
B: but that was because we had the conversation about how could he really think that women wouldn't think they were good kissers. So, he had to find out, or I had to test it for myself.
RJ: ......(he didn't say anything)

B: So did you call her today (the day after his date)
RJ: no
B: why not? I like a man who calls me the day after, even just to say he had a good time
RJ: I just don't think it is going to pan out
B: Why not?
RJ: I just don't....


Good GAWD!!!!!
MEN.......

Even my friends won't be straight with me, after knowing each other for over 6 months... so yeah, I see what you mean d.k., Mr. Universe may just need to warm up to the idea of having a real conversation.

Finally... A Date, or was it a NUT?

Yes boys and girls, I finally had a date. It was Thursday evening. We had dinner in a "fairly" nice locale next to a river in a very small town. To calm myself before hand, I had a few drinks at home. We met at the restaurant. I could describe him perfectly, but let's just call him Mr. Universe and that should say it all. I have never gone out with a man with a body as perfect as his. He is Gorgeous, to say the least.
Anyway, we had to wait for the "dream spot" as he put it, so we went to the bar for a drink. I ordered Parrot Bay and Diet Coke with lime, ummm no Parrot Bay? ok then Malibu. He balked, he didn't like me drinking Diet Coke....uh oh that is my one staple in life. I live on DC. If I didn't drink it? what would I drink? but in the mean time, I play along with Mr. U.
He wants me to try his frozen margarita, made fresh from scratch...uh yeah right... I was a bartender once, I know it is a mix nearly every place you go, but they have him convinced... and I don't drink tequila, it doesn't like me... but I play along.... ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh that is sour and makes me pucker, that was the whole idea wasn't it? I ask... he laughs, because all he does is joke around. He is loud and bouncing all over the place in our "conversation" and on his bar stool. Actually, it didn't bother me, but without that alcohol prep I did before the date, it might have annoyed me a bit. I now have a rum and coke and a margarita on the rocks sitting in front of me. Our table is ready. They led us around and about, down a cobblestone path and I start to wonder if we are going all the way down to the river. Eventually we wind around several picnic tables to one right by the overlook. There is a landscape timber marking a change in the grade of the terrain, and I trip. Luckily, I catch myself and my drinks and don't spill but a few drops. I was embarrassed, but he covered it quite well and didn't seem to let it become a big harry monster.

We start to look at menus, and it becomes obvious he needs his "reading glasses" and doesn't have them with him. He asks about the specials. He has a coupon for one dinner free when you buy the other one. I had the same coupon but I didn't take it... thinking it would be ...oh... I don't know... tacky?
We eat steak and shrimp, have no real conversation, just jokes and joking around. He is very much the gentleman, is concerned that I am "ok" with the food, the amount of napkins, having silverware, etc. you get the picture. He is a bit "handsy" or "touchy feely" for a first date, but as attention starved as I am, it was welcomed. He was not inappropriate at anytime, and I really liked that.
He is very clever, esp. with words, which always is a turnon for me. He invited me to his house on the local lake and I accepted. Never hurts to see where a chiropractor lives.... it, of course, was immaculate and ostentatious yet understated if that is possible.

We had some champagne I brought along, as a celebration to my observation by my administrator on Wednesday, that went very well. We danced a bit on the tile floor, and he is a good dancer. We sat outside and enjoyed the cool air and the night sky full of stars.

In his own words, one of his must haves, in a woman, is she must be a good kisser. My question was... does any woman really think she isnt? Don't we all think we are good in bed and good kissers? Men too?

It boiled down to self confidence and self image, as he took the long way to say it. I think he is looking for someone very sure of herself, and he said it through the 'must be a good kisser' line.

Glad I had the nerve to answer that ad. It was a date I won't soon forget, and I left his house thinking that if I never saw him again, I had a great time, and that was all that mattered...

We will see... he has called and left me a message that the soonest he could get together again is next Tuesday.... well that is the day I go to the Probation Intake meeting with my problem child.. I might need a drink after that...

Oh man, here is that stinking life of mine again...well, I left it behind for one evening... and I had fun... that was a good vacation...


The nut reference? No real conversation... ADHD behavior in a grown man is not attractive, Next Tuesday? well there must be a waiting line and I just went to the end... I don't know, my little red flags are waving, we will see how high and big they get.

Sometimes I just get down and need to sleep

I have been actually trying to date for about 2 months and I haven't gotten a date yet. The online venues have not been, not in the least, fruitful. It is depressing, then I come home to a teenager who thinks he doesn't have to do what I ask or follow the "rules". Then I try to look into moving and find that I cannot even afford to do that.

I can handle one at a time, but not three...

Goodnight all,

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, KEEP AN EYE ON THIS LIST, IT WILL CHANGE

1. Sleeping in, Taking Fridays off and a Diet Coke
2. Parrot Bay or Malibu Rum
3. Big Straws, or Fat Straws
4. The moon shining through my sun roof as I drive down the road
5. An unsolicited hug from a student
6. Amused muse making me laugh at her silly jokes
7. Migas for breakfast with a pancake (with pecans) for dessert
8. New crayons
9. These fancy little scissors my ex once bought me, I need a new pair, that cut wire, and anything else and are just the right size.
10. the scent of lavender
11. Sleeping late
12. Eating in bed with a lover
13. The sun on my face
14. Good service in a restaurant or bar.
15. Chocolate Ice box pie (yes RJ, it is higher on the "actual" list)
16. Burt's Bees Lifeguard lip goo... yes, I said goo... hee hee hee hee hee

more to follow...

Happy Hour

Amused muse and I went. It was great. Two drinks later, here I am, exhausted and toasted. What I can I say, I am a cheap drunk... at least tonight, because all I have eaten all day is a Cliff Bar...

The point was to have a "mini" vacation. I did, and now reality has returned... take yourself a mini vacation, let me know how it goes.

Celebrate

When I was a senior in high school and delivering flowers (mostly poinsettias) at Christmas time for the local florist, Lionel Richie came out with a new song, Celebrate. I remember it vividly, and I heard it on the radio today, and as always, I can feel the cold crisp air, the waning sun, feel the delivery vehicle beneath me, see the smiles of the people I brought flowers or plants to, and I remember my first consumated love affair. It is a bittersweet memory. He broke up with me on my 18th birthday. He broke my heart and I think I felt it for over 5 years after that.

One evening earlier in the week, there was a new sitcom on, I believe it was "How I met your mother" or something like that. The jest of the whole show was that you don't break up with someone on their birthday, and certainly not over the phone.... well, I will give Paul credit where credit is due, he did have the guts, eventually, to break up with me in person, but it was, and still is, the worse birthday I have ever had. But, hey, at least I was old enough, and it was legal at 18 then, to go out and drink if I wanted to... but if I recall, I didn't go out drinking.

Funny how one thought leads to another isn't it?

Celebrate good times come on, let's celebrate... well I like the saying, "God said Celebrate, not celibate"....lol, it is a line from an obscure movie with Shirley McClaine.

You can blame RJ for this one

This is from my 27th post and it is the 5th sentence.

This woman made him feel bad when he had done nothing wrong and he wanted to stop engaging this new "hobby".

RJ is playing "chain letter Blogger" and I got caught in the middle. I am suppose to have 5 other people do it as well, but I don't know anyone else who is still blogging. So the cycle stops here, now if it were a Harley, I would be thrilled.

For clarification of what this is all about, look at RockJock's blogger, it is called Fool's Gold.

Bright Lights Big City

Today I will look at an apt. that has been "found" just for me.... the price is right, the ammenities are all the ones I asked for... we will see... and yes it is, just for me. No children. I am taking the youngest to his dad at Thanksgiving.... to save my sanity and his life. It is a hard, sad decision, but something had to be done.

If you were looking for a new place to live, what ammenities would you look for?

Opened Windows and Trains

Last night was the second night I have opened all the windows and let the fresh air in. This morning, the train whistle as the train moves through town is such a comforting sound and it brought a smile to my face.

While I was home last Thursday I opened all the windows in anticipation of the cold front that was suppose to be here that day. Sometimes you don't know what you miss until you see/hear/feel it again. The quiet of the house, the sounds of neighbors mowing their yards, the rustle of the wind through the leaves on the tree as they begin their descent to the ground. It was a wonderful day for sounds and considering I had to spend the day inside writing, I felt like I wasn't missing out on a gorgeous day outside.

RJ and I were discussing our fascination with trains yesterday. My father was an engineer for the railroad, and yet the only train I have ever had the thrill of riding was in Durango CO, from there to Silverton, CO. I hope to have the opportunity to ride another one, that has a dining car. I enjoyed watching Sex In the City when Carrie and Samantha rode the train, across country I think, if I recall correctly. RJ has ridden a train to Mexico City, which I think is fantastic. When I hear things like this, and I want to experience them too, it just increases my desire to learn Spanish. Not that he really knows Spanish, or that you would have to, but it would help. (he knows more spanish than he will own up to)

Have a great day, open the windows, watch the leaves, listen to the sounds of your neighborhood, and enjoy the quiet without any technological infringements.

Technology sucks

Technology never ceases to amaze me... it isn't infallable, anymore than I am.

Movie Review: A Lot Like Love

Yes, boys and girls, it is a chick flick. It is, however, a very clever and humorous film as well. There is a mile high club scene, of sorts, guitar playing and naked people in the desert.

Over All, a very good film that supports some thoughts I have had about timing and when you meet someone and the timing is wrong....

I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I watched it again,

What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic...

Sleepy Girl

The days, nights, hours, since Thursday afternoon have become a blur. After attending a Conference yesterday on the coast, I am exhausted and as tired as I am, I cannot sleep well.
Thursday was spent catching up on things I have "left behind" so that no child will be left behind. Friday was an early release day, where the children don't follow any direction by me because we are not following the "regular routine" and they are thinking they get out of school "soon" all morning. We eat lunch before 10 am. YUCK. Then after they leave, I am sitting in a staff development session required for all the district to follow directions found in a notebook, and yet someone is reading it to us.... UGGGGHHH.... Immediately after that, 3 colleagues climb in my vehicle in the rain to drive all evening to the beach... now if we were going to have fun, that would be one thing, but considering we are going to a conference, that is another story.
The drive was, thankfully, uneventful. The colleagues that I have no "affection" for, sat in the back seat and watched a DVD on a portable player, obviously they have no "affection" for me as well. The conference was good, now if I had three months to create all the ideas I collected... that would be ideal.
While there, oldest child calls, youngest child (16) has taken the door off the closet that I lock all my "valuables" and alcohol in, and has been in there, he didn't watch, so he doesn't know what he took.
Lovely, just lovely.
I call the mother of a "friend" of problem child, and ask her to pick him up from school outing scheduled for the day and keep him til I get home. That's done. I call the Muse and ask her if she can afford to let me borrow a closet to store precious items I don't want disappearing (mainly coin collection and personally precious items) and she says yes.... ok that's taken care of.
Get home, explain consequences to child, and tell him to go to bed. He refuses. I spent an hour explaining all the consequences for not doing it, one of which finally got his attention and he went to bed.
Of course I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at four, fearing I hadn't set my alarm and had to get up for work.... oh man, it is Sunday.....
Woke up at 7 and decided it was too light to sleep well, so I got up... no caffeine in the house... and now am waiting for RJ to come eat Mexican food for breakfast with me. He is on his way... he had a date last night, I can't wait to find out how it went.

Yes, consumption of large quantities of diet Coke and a nap in the afternoon are on THE LIST, but the latter of the two will either take over or go to the wayside.

An Invitation

Boys and Girls.... I spend most of my day getting 5 year olds to be nice to each other, keep their hands to themselves and not say demeaning, belittling, or bullying comments to each other. I am not going to do it in my blog too.

Southern Girl, I wish I could have worked on your lavender farm, lavender is my favorite scent and purple is my favorite color. Unfortunately, I was never offered a basket of goodies, due to my gender I imagine, but just the same....

This is an invitation for you to take your blogging elsewhere. You have run off my friends, and I miss their comments. Please go in peace and with only my best wishes, but please do... go....

It was not in the Cards

Today I am staying home rather than go to the beach.... the decision was made for me when I learned that a mere 3 days after an observation with one supervisor, I have another one with the main supervisor.... and no, it isn't because the first observation didn't go well, in fact it went really well. It is an anomaly caused by the fact that the two supervisors didn't plan their observations together.

I had the opportunity to change it to a later date, but I prefer to get it over with. I believe I will go to the beach in a couple of weeks instead. Yes it is still hot here. We had a cold front blow through last week, so the temps are out of the hundreds but will be 96 today. We had one day in the 80's, it was very pleasant. So I think the beach will still be very pleasant for a few weeks.