Sunday, September 30, 2007

Much Ado or Much To Do

Gone for 4 days
Back for 1 afternoon

Couldn't wait to get back
Now wishing I could have stayed

Came home with an itch
that I didn't go with
guess the smoke
and dry air
and lack of bottled water
did not agree with me

All clothes stink of smoke
so laundry had to be done

the manchild lost/quit
yet another job
and spent money on things
other than a place to live

Haven't thought much
about work
so tomorrow
there will be much
magic being done
(pulling lessons and things
to do out of my magic hat)

Need to call the dr.
regarding the itch

Open a new checking acct.
at Wachovia
(get a gift cert. to Academy
is the incentive)

Grocery Shopping
since he ate all the
snack stuff I had
and I need food for the week

Glasses need adjusting
but that has been going on
for a month

paying of bills
cleaning of dining room

But my trip
was a good one
my mom loved her
Birthday Cake
Italian Cream
that I baked for her
and I sang to her as well
it was great

I visited my favorite
shop that
was one I went to
often in my younger days
and it was filled
with those that are the age
of what I once was
when I was there

Purchased a mermaid siren
whose arm was
mysteriously broken
by the time I got her home
and it is no where to be found
so she is in the trash

also picked up a Bennu pendant
and a horny toad charm

I met a really nice teacher
from another nearby district
on the plane
and that is a good thing
She is in a book club and
invited me to join
which I will

Since a move is in my future
her district is an option
so any new friends
and friends of theirs
is always good
but a good "insider"
is good as well
so it is a twofer

I did have a guy
wanting to take me to dinner
I turned him down
I have enough drama right now
don't need more...

I did contemplate it
I would like someone in my life
but right now
it just isn't good for me

My to do list is long enough

have a great week...

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Birthdays.... have me thinking

Thursday I flew to see my mom
Friday was her birthday
As soon as I got here
she said
You know the last time you were here
was in April

uh... no, I hadn't thought about it
but you are right
I was trying to take care of my son
or rather take care of my stuff
while my son was at my house
so no... I haven't been here like
I normally would be
at least a week or two in the summer

Anyway, I asked what she wanted
for birthday dinner
which is apparently a tradition I started
and not her
because she was open for suggestions
but finally she chose
and I cooked

fresh peach cobbler
with peaches I brought with me
from the Farmers Market
using a recipe I created

Fried Chicken and gravy
(I learned how to make gravy here,
and it does make a difference in the climate,
elevation etc. because the best gravy I make, is made at my mom's house)

Mashed Potatoes

Steamed Broccoli

and Salad

She invited her cousin to join us
I like her,
she keeps an eye on mother when
I am not here
so that was cool

I thought her friends might call
but they didn't
I thought my oldest brother might call
but he didn't

I knew my grandmother would call
and she did
and Mother told her
I was here
and brought fresh peaches
for a cobbler
and we were going to stay here
and she would talk to her later

She didn't invite grandmother
and my alcoholic aunt who was visiting
to join us
and I didn't suggest it
I don't care for either of them
so it was best to not have them here

Both of my sons called to wish her
a happy birthday
and that made me proud.
Out of 5 grandchildren,
they were the only two that called.

My oldest had called me earlier in the month
and asked for confirmation
of when her birthday was
and he called on his own

I reminded the youngest yesterday
early in the day and
he called late in the day
so that was good.

Anyway, as we were sitting down
to eat
I thought
about how when you are older
everyone claims to not want
to celebrate birthdays
because it means
admitting you are getting older
and how even in my 40's
I don't like getting older
but I still like birthdays

and I realized
that a very special man
had once taught me
to not pay attention
to numbers
such as years passed
but to just think young
and try to feel young
and I do try to

I hope that when I am 74
there will be more
than 3 people at the table
celebrating with me
and that both my sons will be there
with their families
and my friends
will be there

but hell,
I hope that every year
they are there,
between now and then
and I know with the oldest in Seattle
that isn't going to happen for awhile...

Here is the other part of my thought
on birthdays

when someone doesn't want to celebrate
or have you sing Happy Birthday to them
and say things like
When you are (think big number)
let's see how much you like
having someone sing to you
and reminding you of how old you are.

what do you do?
I am going to sing anyway
give one dollar
for each year of the age
he wishes he was
and explain,
it is just a number
and I don't pay attention to numbers
only to the people
I care about
and he is one of them.

I hope that your birthday,
when ever it is,
is full of what you want it to be
and isn't a reminder
of how old you are
but how far you have come.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sunday's List

It was going to be the list
for the weekend
but I woke up
not feeling well yesterday
just a little sluggish
sore throat and achey
so I rested most of the day
dozed off and on
while watching TV and
laying on the couch
slept like a rock all night
and now have more than
I can get done in one day
so... here we go
and if it is pink
I accomplished that task

write sub plans for Thr and Fri
(out of town to see my mom)
make pocket chart poems
grocery shopping
kitchen cleaning
living room dusting and sweeping
bathroom cleaning
bed sheets washed
organizing dining room
call Cable company for DVR

ok, so it doesn't look like much
but it feels like a weeks worth
let's see how it goes...

Ok so it doesn't look like much

but actually
I did get progress reports written
lunches for the week made
a watermelon cut up
dinner cooked
and my son

well I had to evict him

he did one thing
that he knew
was against
the rules
and so, it has been
one of the hardest days of my life...

Friday, September 21, 2007

Dreams... What DO They mean?

I have blogged recently
about a few odd dreams
I have had
well, here we go again.

Night before last I dreamt
about my exhusband
and children that I gave
birth to
were in it, but they
weren't the real children
I have

He was sluggish
laying in bed
I asked the kids
where he was
when I came home from work
they said he was sleeping
I go in,
sit on the bed,
lean back on the headboard
and all of the sudden
I am topless
(catch that walker, and that was before our conversation, lol)
he was sluggish, depressed
didn't want to do anything
there was somewhere we were
suppose to be going
but he layed back down in the bed
so the next thing I know
we are in a white room
with a counter
there is a speaker
blaring instructions
for a contest
we are suppose to write down
the names of cars
like Pontiac Catalina
(my first car)
which is what I was writing
and telling some overweight
hispanic ladies standing there with me
my ex was over in a corner
writing very speedily
but with no form of emotion showing
and I look down
and I am topless again
I have on dress pants
and shoes,
but no bra or shirt

then we are home again
and he goes straight to the
I don't remember the conversation
but it is very clear
he is near despondency
and he lays down
and covers his head
says he is going to sleep

Now, that is pretty much the dream
but there are things I forgot
because it was full of conversations
I can't remember.

The only reason I can think of
that I might have dreamt about my ex
is that I just paid off a house
that we owned together
and I got it put in my name alone
since I am the sole owner now
and I recently paid off my vehicle
that we bought together
right before the divorce
and the title came
and it is in both our names
so the power of suggestion
from those things may have had something
to do with it...

The next dream
I had last night is much more detailed
It involves no "real" men I know
but probably parts of many I have
known that are like the ones in the dreams
to keep their names straight
I will give them familiar names
based on looks alone.

I don't know where it started
so I may skip around a bit
but I will try not to

I was working
I don't know what as
because there were school busses
taking children home
but there was also beer available
and a muddy road
and a building that was like a dorm nearby

I was in a small shack
we were making sure that all
the kids got on the bus
there was an important note
that was suppose to be given
to a student
but it wasn't
and as Charlie Harper handed it to me
The wind caught it
and blew it out of my hand
and I said "Shit"
and then quickly regretted it
I jumped out of the bus
ran after the paper high in the sky
and finally retrieved it
I ran down around the buses
looking for the right one
but the next thing I know,
they are all leaving
so I run down the street
in front of houses
like in their lawns
trying to hail a bus to stop
then I turn around and walk
up toward a whitc
clapboard house
and go inside
there is a man I like
(not a real one, but in my dream, I knew him)
and we were standing there flirting.
Let's say Bror Blixen, from Out of Africa
Then he had to leave
I know in my dream we had been lovers
at some point
Then I walked to the middle of the house
because he had left
and there were people I knew
working at a bar,
and this bar took up
one whole room
with little room to walk
around it, and sit on a barstool
The guy bartending was non descript
but I asked for something for Harry
and he gave me a Modelo
and then as I was walking by
behind the bar
to get to the back door
he handed me something
that I would like to drink in a bottle
but I don't know what it was
and I smile
and leave
as I am walking across the yard
where several people are gathered
to drink and shoot the bull
I say hello to a few
and a man starts trying to flirt
with me
He has two friends with him
He is Festus
and his friends are Thing 1
and Thing 2
I explain that I am flattered
but not interested
and continue on my trek
and then his friends informed me
he won't give up
and I walk away through the yard
and they all follow
I am not particularly worried
but then I get to another set of friends
who hurry me on my way
I arrive in a building
in front of Bror's apt. or room
and it is a door that is wood frame
with muted glass so you can see
a little color and shadow
and it is obvious he has company
I knock
they open
she says good bye
and I go in
I give him the beer,
he sets it down
mine has vaporized, bottle and all
and we sit down and start talking
he wants to have sex
I ask if he is going to quit seeing others
and he says no
and I start to decline
he is trying to get his hands down my pants
and I decline
and he doesn't stop
so I continue to say no
and and ask him to stop
and he continues
then he changes to just wanting
a blowjob
and I decline
and finally am able
to elude his grasp
of my head and pushing it down
and his other hand on my crotch
and run out the door
the two friends of Festus
are outside waiting
I tell them to go away
and they say
he won't be denied
and I run outside
I find the piece of paper
that blew away
and I see that it says
that Mr. Big has paid
my son's rent for the last several months
and then i am in a large room
with a dance floor and wood floors
and a bar
and Mr. Big is there
so I walk up and ask
why he paid my son's rent
and he says
He just needs some time
to figure out what he wants to do
and I could help, so I am
and I am stunned
and I don't remember saying
anything back to him.
Then I am being chased by Thing 1 and 2
and run out into the street to catch
one of the school busses as they drive by
and I run down the street after them
one is a school bus dragging a horse trailer
and a jeep, very old jeep,
and she (the owner and driver) tells me
that I need to talk to Bror again
or Festus
and I don't think I do
and I run after another bus
then it is muddy
out in the country
and I am trying to not get mud
up to my knees
as I walk across a road
and then part of a field
and I don't remember where I am going
then there is Festus
offering to help
and I explain
that help is fine
but I am not interested in
anything more
because I am tired of men
just wanting one thing
and then moving on.

that is about all I remember
the mud was vivid
the almost rape scene was very vivid

so, my years of not remembering dreams
yeah, I miss

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Dinner and a Movie

Yep, that's right
I had a great dinner
and watched
3:10 to Yuma
it was a great movie
a bit drawn out
but good, nonetheless

I cooked the dinner
Homemade meatloaf
Fried Green Tomatoes
(from the Farmer's Market)
and salad

and it was great
if I do say so myself

Nothing like good food
family (youngest son was there)
and friends

You see
I gave RJ
a great birthday gift
a meal a week
that is home cooked
by me...
and this was the first one

He wanted to see the movie
as did I
and his girlfriend didn't
so it was a good night for us
to go to the movies as well...

But now it is time to sleep...
so good night...

Monday, September 17, 2007

Last Fall as you know if you have been reading for awhile or have read the archives I met two men well actually I met many more than two but I met two that I really liked and if the first one Mr. Turnaround had paid more attention more often I would not have met any after him but his presence or appearances were sporadic so yes, I met two men Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Sullivan and they both turned my head I was smitten with them both Mr. Sullivan appeared after Mr. Turnaround and departed before Christmas for reasons that I truly believe had nothing to do with me but issues with his father's health and the stress that puts on a man child when their father is in a vulnerable position but who knows maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part Anyway, about a month ago Mr. Sullivan calls out of the clear blue sky and wants to see me I have eluded to this meeting with him but I hadn't told the story So we decided that he would pick me up and we would go for drinks so I could hear the story of the dream he had about me while on vacation in Canada He picks me up he has gained so much weight I almost don't recognize him he is jovial we arrive at our destination order drinks he explains the dream which was a combo of things he had been reminded of me in two different circumstances so I am not surprised about the dream, so the conversation turns to me, and school and life and then it starts he asks many questions he asks about other men that he has known I was seeing when I saw him you see he asked then and found out about Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Duvall because he wanted me to see only him and I didn't want to quit seeing Mr. Turnaround As for Mr. Duvall that is a given that it will end permanently the minute a man wants a relationship with me and I want one with him it has stopped before so that isn't a big deal anyway he asked I explained that Mr. Turnaround found others that he wanted to spend his time with even after asking me to be patient and wait for him this summer which I tried to do I am just not good at it patience that is and the questions continue and I want to scream WHY? why do you want to know what is it you want? I mean this isn't my first rodeo a man calls or writes says he has a story to tell says he wants to see you to tell it he is testing the waters right to see if you want to see him and to see if he still wants you... so Why? why ask these questions? We have had about 3 drinks now and I hadn't eaten all day... and he had mentioned dinner but when I ask why he was having drinks with me early on a Friday night did he have plans later it came out that there was a poker game he was contemplating and then he couldn't get me home fast enough and by the time we were in the car the tears came they were a combo of stress, anxiety and feeling rejected he expressed a desire to be friends and do things together and I told him I don't do that well with men that meant so much more to me because rarely can I separate those feelings and he has friends and to be a friend takes as much or more work than a relationship between lovers and confidants and I didn't think he could do it but if he wanted to try we could yeah... that didn't pan out he didn't even try and that was fine but then yesterday I heard from Mr. Turnaround who said we should have a glass of tea of course he is a man of much fewer words and that is the meeting I wrote of yesterday. I don't know his motivation He slipped away for reasons I still don't know guess I wasn't woman enough or the fact I like to hear a man's words and he shared so few that I made some up for him that were not the right ones and I over reacted to some situations in ways I am not proud of he said things just didn't turn out for whatever reason so I don't know all I know is that I am glad that there aren't any others who can call me up like that and see me just to see what I am not sure but stir up emotions that I thought were pretty much gone and then walk away I am not up for that again anytime soon. I think this not dating thing is going better than I ever would have expected I quite enjoy not being rejected worried about what he is thinking and wondering if or when he will call and the time and energy I was pouring yes, Mr. Turnaround, pouring into thoughts and actions and wanting things to be good with someone who wasn't on the same page can now go somewhere else and has been for awhile so those things are hard to give up now so yes, I wished I was doing other things but only because they were going to show progress and sitting and shooting the bull was not It was good to see him It was painful to feel all the old feelings rise to the surface and be able to tell they weren' t for him... but now it is over and I can move forward even though I don't get it I don't understand what they thought they were going to gain or what they did gain by seeing me but if it was to help them move forward then I hope they do understand it and it was helpful. RJ has rarely steered me wrong and his take on both situations was the same but if I listen to what he said I feel even more rejected because he says they were testing the waters about dating me again and I remember a time when he hadn't met the woman of his dreams and he was contemplating looking up an old girlfriend and taking her back and I so DO NOT want to be that person... and even then I told him not to... don't do it just because you are lonely and don't want to be alone don't settle... and see he didn't and he met the woman of his dreams but since neither of them Mr. T or Mr. S explained their intentions I don't know and I still don't get it.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A Day Full of Surprises

Wonders never cease
and do you remember
me saying
that even though my mother
thinks I love surprises
the truth is
that I really don't.

So the title of the post
is the most positive I could
be about today.

I haven't talked about it
but I have mentioned
that I am not dating

I did belong to an online dating
service for way too long...
actually I didn't "belong"
or even "subscribe" very long
but I had a profile posted
I had taken it from being "searchable"
to "unsearchable"
some time back
but after getting an email
from the service
to show off my new "matches"
yesterday, and finding
I had actually met three of them
I decided it was time to cut all ties
and I went to the site
and deleted my profile...

Whew... I felt so much better
and then I was glad that I am no longer
wanting to see how often or when
some guys that I did "date"
are out there "looking" at other women

which was a big step,
I did that all spring
and I hated myself for it
it was hurtful
but the worst of it was
I brought that hurtfulness upon myself

Today was a hurtful day
and I brought it upon myself as well.

I also learned
that there is a period of time
when you have made plans with someone
and are expecting them to call
that I am extremely nervous
and negatively thinking they will not call
or show up
and I hate that feeling
and it is one of the biggest reasons
that I do not miss dating

then there is that period of time
when you are sitting and talking to someone
that it is painfully obvious
that how I felt about them
is the same it has always been
and how they feel is not what I wish it was
and it really hurts

so I sat and talked,
or rather mainly listened
just enough to hear the hint
of someone else in his life
the chit chat of items we share in common
and all the while
wishing I had not agreed to meet
so that I could feel like I was being
yes, it was close to torture

not too different from the meeting
a few weeks ago
where I lost my cool
with someone from my past
and the tears started streaming
before he could get me home
it freaked him out

so....I took a chill pill today
before it was time to be there
and it helped
many questions I wanted to ask
stayed in my head
I smiled, I giggled,
I liked the sound of his voice,
the shimmer of light in his eyes,
the cadence of his speech
it was good to see him
even though it was painful
what was most painful were the words
that were not spoken

not really any different than before
and why would I think it would be?
I don't know
wishful thinking
to have some ''straight talk"

but yeah, obviously don't have a clue
what it was all about
or why he asked to see me
or if he got what he had intended
out of the conversation...

but what I do know
is that I wish
I had stayed home
gone for my walk
and watched my Sunday night shows
and spent time with my son

who was here
because he lost his job today
and his new roommate asked him
to move out by the end of the month
and he wants to come home

Another surprise
or actually I wasn't so much surprised
but the fact it happened today
did take me off guard

and no, it was not a good surprise

do you remember me telling you
that I have had more
surprises that were not good ones
than I have had that were good?
well that number is growing...
although I have to admit
I had one really good surprise yesterday
so I guess that was so I could get through today...

and now it is bedtime...

yeehaw... I am ready for today to be over...
tomorrow is another day...

good night

Slept Late

When I was a teenager
it wasn't unusual
as I am sure it isn't for most
for me to sleep
til way past noon

When I was working
in restaurants
and partying after work
til 3 or 4 am
it wasn't unusual
for me to sleep
til I had to get up
for the next evenings
shift at about 3 or 4 PM

When I was first married
and didn't work
because we had moved
to a place where there
were no jobs for me
it wasn't unusual
for me to sleep
til 11 am or noon

When I was pregnant
for the first time
It wasn't unusual
for me to take a nap
in the afternoon

When my first baby was born
I didn't sleep well
for over a year
he never slept
through the night

When I was pregnant
with my second child
It wasn't unusual
for us (first son and I)
to take a nap
for a good part of the afternoon.

When I had two children
in the house
it wasn't unusual
that I got up early
and stayed up late
most of the time

it has just become
part of my life
that my alarm
goes off at 5
and I get up

so sleeping late
and getting more than 9 hours
yes, 9 hours sleep
has become
very unusual for me

when it was once the norm

but this weekend
I slept nearly 11 hours
the first night
and last night
it was 10 hours
because I went to bed
at 10.

So, now I feel like
I slept late
and I caught up
on my sleep

I feel much better.

gosh, I didn't get up
til nearly 10 am yesterday...

woo hoo,
I wonder
if I stayed home from work
a few days and tested my theory
if I could start sleeping til noon again

oh yeah, I had two months to do that
and no, I didn't sleep that late
but I did sleep til after 8 several days...

Have a great day,

I am.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Recurring Dream

I don't know
how many nights
in a row
and some nights skipped
but I keep having a
recurring dream

I think it stems
from the muse
and I talking
about speaking positive
and putting the good thoughts
out there
for the man we want to have
in our lives
and no,
not the same man
but the "ideal" man
we want to have in our lives

I haven't met him
but I am dreaming about him

We are sitting together
and he is trying to read something
and has trouble with the
"fine print"
so I try to read it
we are happy
we are joking
we are laughing
we are having a good time
and I look at what it is
he is trying to read
and I start to look
over my glasses,
because I am near-sighted
and can see without my glasses
when it is close to my face
I catch myself
looking over my glasses
and remember the muse
fussing at me
that I should take them off
instead of looking over them

apparently it is not a good look for me

so I take the off and read it for him
and put them back on

that is all I remember about the dream

and for several days now
when I have had that dream
I wake up alone
in the middle of my bed
(started sleeping in the middle
about two months ago, and apparently
there is a reason, but regardless, I love it)

and I am sad

this afternoon
the sadness hasn't gone away...

I am wishing for the man
instead of the dream
but am still not trying to date
or pursuing anyone.....

I like the dream
and don't want it to go away or end
but am not excited about the sadness
that follows...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Exhausted and Frazzled

For several days,
if not
two weeks

I have not had enough sleep
I have slept
I have slept well
but have NOT
had an opportunity
to get all the sleep I could

I wish I could say
a man was the reason
as the muse may

but I cannot
it is work
it is the beach
it is a bad motel bed
it is working late
it is getting up early
to go to work , or drive to the beach....

the beach was great
and as soon as I sleep a bit
I will blog a bit more...

goodnight and sweet dreams

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Life's a Beach

and I am so there....

the muse and I are off
for two days
of sitting on the beach
relaxing and
see ya later....

unless you want to join

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Big Day or I call Calf Rope

Tonight while on the phone
with RJ for the third time
I was trying to do some
home improvements
with no instructions
for the installation
of something so simple
it should not have taken
a single phone call
but it did,
it took two
to ask about the
funky screw parts
that I was trying to
make a hole in the wall to fit

they aren't Molly Bolts
I know what those are
and how they work
but these,
these were something I am not
familiar with

any way
the third phone call
was to say
I Call Calf Rope
and RJ asked
what does that mean?

I was floored
I thought he knew everything
and I can't believe
I hadn't ever said it to him.

Calf Rope
which means,
to those of you

I surrender

I never think about others
not knowing it
I know it is not common
to just the area where I grew up
because Mr. Duvall
uses that term as well
so maybe it is a farm thing
or a small town thing
or a cowboy thing
if you know you can tell me

but today
I surrender

I have had tribulations at work
I have had troubles with Apt. Property managers
at home
I have had upset parents of children
for things unrelated to me
A child was lost
because he didn't stay with his "group"
but I found him

I had a great op
or so I thought
for a time share at the beach
and from all the advice
I gathered from others
I chose against it
even though I still think
it was a great deal
and it was hard giving in
to the idea that I shouldn't do it
at least not right now.

I walked today
I worked today
I tried to drill holes
in my bathroom wall
but alas
that will have to wait
til the morrow

Now I will sleep
and with the rain on the windows
perhaps I will sleep well
so I can tackle
the tasks I have tomorrow

and deal well
with the unseen trials
and tribulations
that tomorrow may bring...