Saturday, January 26, 2008

Birthday Party (s) and Gifts

When I was 13
My mother finally agreed
that I could have
a Birthday Slumber Party

looking back
as an adult
I know why she would be
in the most modest terms
to let me have one
but that is not the point of this story

So I asked everyone
I mean everyone
that I even remotely talked to
played basketball with
or could even stand
and of those dozen or so
only 2 would actually show up
and they weren't even
the ones I would have considered
my closest friends
I don't remember much about it
other than it was odd
and awkward
and we had mediocre fun
my mother had peanut m&m's
she cooked dinner,
there was a cake
not really any thing way out there
we just hung out and played
I don't think either of them really brought me
a birthday gift
if they did
I don't remember
but that was ok

Funny how things don't change much
The muse and Pepper
got together and planned
a birthday bash
that from the beginning I knew
would be an intimate group
of friends from the Big V
to celebrate my birthday
we had coconut rum
and Hot Damn
and some music to dance to
and I had on my new dancing boots
We told stories,
We laughed,
We drank shots
We played phone tag
Nothing out of the ordinary
and yet we had fun
I did not drive
and I stayed over at the muse's
for safe keeping
taking the following day off work
and boy was I glad I did...

Pepper brought me a big Bottle
of Hot Damn
to go along with our ongoing joke
Bring Your Big Bottle to the Party
which is sort of like
Where is Your "A" game?

The Muse gave me two charms
for my charm bracelet
that are great beach reminders
one is a pair of sunglasses
and the other is a flip flop
She also baked my favorite cake
the one from the
Having My Cake and Eating it Too
post on Bennu Too
and it is as good as it ever was
and both gave me great cards

and the three days after my birthday
have just gotten better and better

The evening after the party
I went out with the doctor
for a little Artsy Fartsy gallery opening
and then to dinner
I had told him
what I wanted for my birthday
when he had asked
point blank
that I would like some time
not evening time
at a movie, listening to live music,
or a fine dinner out,
I knew he could do those things well
but a day out
driving, walking, hiking
in the sunshine
and if he felt the need
to give me something more
it could be something small

well, after we ordered dinner
he had me open the gift bag
which held
some prized chocolate
like Walker sent me for Christmas
some perfume that he liked
and a gorgeous
5 strand fresh water pearl necklace
that is a choker of sorts

I mean, it is a short necklace
but it also choked me up
I cried
I was so thrilled to have it
It is beautiful.
Man, I was on cloud nine
the next day
just thanking him for it
after dinner,
on the phone the next morning
and twice since then
and that doesn't seem to be enough
to say thank you
and it was so unexpected
and him responding that I deserve it.
It makes me teary just writing about it.

Then Friday, the hippie came by
after he had already brought
coral roses for me
on my birthday
to work (yes a full dozen)
and gave me a gift
he couldn't stay
I was on my way out
as well
and he said he didn't need to see me open it
so I refrained
and after I opened it
I so regretted
him not seeing
how thrilled I was

You see
I didn't realize how much time
we have actually spent together
but when I opened it
and saw several small envelopes
some liquid bath soap
and an oven mitt (explain later)
and then started reading
each small card
in each envelope
as they were numbered
which to read first
and which to read last
I realized we had spent
a great deal of time together

He had gift cards for me
Starbucks- the place we first met
the burger joint we ate at one evening
the car wash where we met to leave my car
and went to eat while it was washed
PeiWei- the new one near my home, that we had lunch at one weekend
The Italian Place we met
for a light dinner and great conversation
and the very smansy pantsy
steak house that is a woman's name
was the last one
but that isn't what was so great about the gift
what was so great
was that he wrote lovely little notes
with each one
and his memory of our time there
giving me insight into what he was seeing in me
and the last one
that was the high dollar steak place
was the first real date we had
and he wanted me to join him there
regardless of who I spent the others with
for a great dinner sometime in the future

the shower soap, which is the joke it took
the longest for me to get
was because
on not one
but at least 4 occasions
he has called while I was in the shower

the oven mitt had a typed note
with a long winded double entendre
involving a potato
and the game Hot Potato
and it is hilarious
and you know
nothing impresses me more
than a man who is good with words
so his new nick name

It was the most thoughtful gift I have ever gotten from a man

Then Friday I drove south
to see Mr. Duvall
and have my other
Birthday Party
which was just what I thought it would be...

and he got me
a King sized bed to roll around in
with him...
another great
slumber party

It has definitely been
a banner year
as far as my birthday was concerned
three great men

as opposed
to the last couple
of years...

It has been grand...

and next week
is the Muse's birthday...

hee hee hee hee hee
just you wait...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire

Tomorrow is a big day.
It is my birthday.
And, as far as I am concerned,
it is the halfway point
of my life.
I turn 45,
I hope to live no longer
than 90 years.

The last two years
have been a bust
where my birthday is concerned
Three years ago was the best birthday
I will ever remember
it was the night I met Mr. Duvall.
last year I was sick as a dog,
and the year before
I broke a tooth and spent
over 6 hours in a dentist chair
before coming home
exhausted and upset
and with a numb mouth

So.... what is in store for this year?
Muse and amusements
have plans for me.

A big group of friends,
out on the town
on a pub crawl.

I have no idea where it will start
or where it will end
but I know
it will be fun.

We have kidded about it
for several months
because I had given up
on having a man in my life
that would remember
and want to take me out
on my birthday

I knew I would see Mr. Duvall
but it would be the weekend before
or (as it will be) the weekend after
but because it falls in the middle
of the week
I wanted to do something really fun...

Just when I had given up
is when there turned out to be
one man who really wants to make
my birthday a special day
with him,
but I deferred him to Thursday evening.
The doctor,
who has turned out to be
a great man
who is treating me well.

Then, the Hippie
has informed me
that he has put together a gift
for my special day
and given the great Christmas gift
he gave me
I am sure it will be as thoughtful
and insightful.
He wants me to find
some time
on my birthday
to see him...
but it really isn't possible.
I was out of town on business today
will be at work tomorrow
and then am taking Thursday off
to recover and for appts. that I have
with doctor and to get my hair done.

The muse has asked who else
in a friend position
we could invite
other than the keeper, Pepper, a coworker of hers, and the two of us

I don't know who it would be
that would enjoy a C&W pub crawl
and are good dancers
but I am sure
the group will grow
when we get a little
Hot Diggety Damn in our blood.

If you are up to the party,
please feel free to join us...
if you can find us...

Happy Birthday to Me...
Woo Hoo

Let the celebrating Begin....

Sunday, January 13, 2008

She Said "I Don't Know What I Want"

For some time now
I have been planning
I have been
planning changes
in my life
some I have
actually implemented,
some I have been
making preparations
for implementation
and some are still
in the planning stages.

What is funny
is that I don't know
or should I say
I don't think
I sat down
and wrote out these plans
they just materialized

I wanted to date
I wanted to move away
from the men
who weren't good for me
I put an ad on Craigslist
and had good response
and started setting up dates
since I busied myself
with 4-5 men
so I was seeing most
once a week, or every two weeks
and one or two
I saw twice a week
I didn't feel the need
to see one man
more often
than he was comfortable
and I didn't feel the need
to have to know
when I would see
any one of them again
because I was
with the idea of who
was next

It is hard work
to see more than one man
at a time

and just for clarification
none were under the impression
that they were the only one
but I do make it a point
to never say more than
"I have other plans" when
they ask for a date on a day
that I have another

Is it great fun?
some of it has been

Are there drawbacks?
Sure there are,
forgetting who you have told what
learning that we are all
pretty messed up
and no time to get
things "done at home"
worrying about if one of them
might drive by my home
if I am out all night
stuff like that

Are there benefits?
Oh YEAH!!!
I have had the chance
to actually get to know
three of them
at a slow pace
and I have chosen
to sleep with one of them

Being exposed to different forms of art
one likes jazz, red wine, and good movies
one likes my tv shows, homecooked dinners
and snuggling on the couch
one pays attention to what I like
and we eat greasy burgers or go to fancy places
I would never have been able to go
one entertains my whims like going to see Christmas lights

so that is one change I have made

another is a fairly recent one
to re-organize my house
and my junk room, drawers, and cabinets
and make my small "quaint" abode
one I want to show off to others
it is in progress

I moved the TV upstairs,
made the twin bed in the junk room
a day bed
to snuggle on
while watching movies
or a place to rest while playing
the Wii
or a place to do Yoga on my exercise mat

I found a new small desk for the computer
and two matching cabinets on either side
to store the junk that covered my old desk

the moving of furniture
to change things up
and plans for my small back yard for the spring

It is in the planning and some progress stage.
Another one at the same stage is
getting in shape over the next year
I mean really good shape
losing weight, building muscle

The ones that are still in the planning stages
finding a new job
planning my trip to Seattle this summer
saving money to build/buy a house
in about a year

And yesterday,
while sitting in a coffee shop
with the Muse
she sat across from me
with glassy eyes
with tears about to fall
and she said
"I don't know what I want"
and wanted me to tell her
what I thought she wanted

and I thought
what I want
and what I have
are two different things
but I tend to wish I could change the past
mainly to avoid my mistakes

I want a man in my life
but since the right one hasn't found me
or I haven't found him
I have several
filling that void
and for now,
it seems to work
but I know it is
a short term solution
and I know
I may never find him in this life
and I am preparing myself for that

I want my dream house
with my dream job
they aren't unrealistic
I am just working at them both
a little later in life
than others are

I want my family to be a happy one
I do my best at that
for some of us
it is a big chore
and I am one of those people

so how can I tell the Muse
what I think she wants?
I know her well
or so I think I do sometimes
and other times
I don't understand her at all
which is ok
but it shows that there are things
about her that I really don't
know about her
or understand

and as much as I want to help her
as her friend
I know
that I cannot
she has to figure out what she wants
and I know how big that job is

somehow for me
it has taken many months
or years
to figure out part of what I want
and where some things
are concerned
I don't know if I really know
what I want,
but that starts with realizing
what I don't want...

so I sat across from the Muse
and tried to avoid her question
without being rude
I was caught off guard
and hadn't had enough caffeine to be

and then on the way home
I wondered
how many of us
have found ourselves
both men and women
asking ourselves
what it is we want
at any age

so, Muse, you aren't alone
but only you can figure it out
but here I am
with all the support I can give
when you need it


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

You Piss Me Off and then, You Make Me Smile

I have much to write
there are 4 or 5 posts
floating around my cerebral vortex
waiting for the moment
I go
that is how I will write it

but the one that came to me
via the US postal service today
cannot wait

A box arrived,
with a card
and dark chocolates
and a t-shirt that says

Every day of my life
I am forced to add
another name
to the list of people
who piss me off

but you need some background:

There is a man
there is a man who
I have had a crush on
for quite some time
like over 2 years

you know how it is
a man catches your fancy
in my case
by his writing abilities

there is nothing sexier to me
than a man who writes well
and I think that is because
if he can write well
he can do other things equally well
if you catch my drift

so this man has shown me
he can write well

when I first met him
there was much controversy in his life
and he was upset
and hurt
and many others
were paying him so much attention
I didn't think
I was making any impression at all

we talked
we laughed
we commiserated (sp?)

I was too timid
to let him know
that when he wanted to date
or consider dating
I wanted to be considered
a prospect
and then
someone beat me to the punch

and after I thought about it

you know,
he reads my blog
he knows all
from what I write
he has seen me broken hearted as well
and miserable

so, maybe that isn't
a good idea
to let him know
how interested I am

so I kidded around
that I wanted to be the next in line...
when in reality
I didn't want to be next
I wanted to be the only one
in line

but I let it go
even though
I didn't want to
I didn't see any way
that I would be considered
a possible mate
by this good hearted man
with the tough exterior

We talked often for a long time
we talked on the phone
we talked online
we talked through our writings

and little by little
we stopped talking
he would ask why I hadn't buzzed him
of late
well honey, you aren't buzzing me
are you?

and then
the last few months
we have hardly talked at all
and that has pissed me off

he drops by
every once in a while
to see what I have been up to
but he doesn't say much
besides the cordial hello
and Merriment of the holidays

I found out he has seen a friend of mine
and spoken to her
and I was pissed

he didn't come to see me
or wish me Happy New Year
but he did make a special attempt to see her
and not me
he pissed me off again

so I let it go
I have filed away my
crush for this man
because it is obvious
he is not interested in me
as anything more than
a friend from a distance

and today
a box came in the mail

it perplexed me
I wasn't expecting a box
in the mail

I saw it was from him
I was more perplexed

he won't say hello
but he sent me a box
of great goodies

I read the card
It was polite
and benign
when I was hoping
it might be
more "enlightening"

so more perplexion

and then I read the
and I laughed so hard
he made me laugh
he made my day
he was thoughtful and kind
and I still wish
there could be more

yes, I have been pissed
esp. at him
and yes,
people do piss me off
on a regular basis

but today,
today he made me smile

He is a good man
and he knows I love

surprises in the mail

Maybe he will be surprised
one day
when I show up
in the post...