Thursday, November 27, 2008

To Every Thing There is a Season

Happy Thanksgiving
to you and yours
I hope it is truly a great
Season of Thanks

I am very thankful
I am thankful for the peace
the peace that has reached me
and helped me enjoy
a holiday that was just
between me and my

I am thankful for two thoughtful sons
even though they aren't with me today
they did think to call
all by themselves
and say Happy Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my mother
and the fact that she is still here
with me on earth
and we have some of the most
meaningful conversations
that we have ever had

I am thankful for the close friends
that choose to be a part of my life
and allow me to be a part of theirs
they spice up my day

I am thankful for a man
even though he is limited
in the time he can spend with me
he is a great man
who has treated me well

perhaps a great love in life
isn't meant to be 24/7
but the one that lifts you
loves you and holds you closely
in their heart
when not in their arms

I am thankful for a cozy home
that makes me proud to entertain
and have friends over for a dinner
a drink, or just a great conversation

I am thankful for the life I have
in a time of a poor economy
I am self-sufficient
and struggling to a degree
to keep my head above water
but at the same time
I have no credit card debt
I have only one payment a month
that is my car payment
of sorts
and I do have savings
and this year
for the first time
I will also have some investments
I am thankful for
being in a better place
personally, family wise,
emotionally, and financially
than I have ever been in my life.

My hope is that you are as well.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Un-illusioned and Non-illusioned

Those are my two
NEW words
for the day
I believe I invented them
just in case
you have a dictionary
with them in it
please don't
shatter my "illusion"
of being a wordsmith
but rather
allow me to continue
to believe
that I was the first
to not understand
why neither of them
showed up in any dictionary
that I have
and I have several.

But, you know
the mother of invention
is necessity
and I needed those words yesterday
to describe how I feel.

You see
I was contemplating
how things seem so good
and are going well
when you meet someone
of interest
with no ICK factor present
and then they just go

and it is difficult for me
to let things go
when I do not have
adequate closure for me
even when I want to let them go
they sneak back into my head
while I am idle
even for a moment
so again, the term

idle hands are the devil's workshop

is true as well.
So, I try to find a way
to discover as much as I can
about what happened
or what the guy was thinking
that made him act the way he did
in the beginning
and in the end.

After some internet sleuthing
I found
that some of the things
I was told by him
may have been, at best,
partially true.
A few of his responses
to questions, were most probably
untruthful (see the "un" works there)
to hide the truth or true personae
and my grand illusion
of this
well put together,
fiery in a very sexy way,
potential best friend
and lover,
went "POOF"
and there standing before me
was the epitome
of the high school jock

come on
you all know the guy
he was put on the team's shoulders
at a young age
people treated him like he was God
and the girls swooned over him
to the point he never had a second to himself
and the pretty girl
who hid behind her glasses
and wasn't a cheerleader
or a twirler,
even though she wanted to be,
watched him from afar
never quite able to get the nerve
to speak to him
his friends all called her names
and laughed at her
and to the FB player
she thought she was invisible
and then,
highschool was over
and the big man on the team
thought he should still be treated well
by everyone and the girls should still swoon
and he could be "the big man" still
but little by little it went away
his "karma" from his football days
and the only one still willing
to pay attention to the shell of a man
who thought he was bigger than life
was the four-eyed beauty
who still saw his guns shining in the sun
and his strong legs running down the field
and so long ago couldn't see her,
or her hidden beauty...

but the charm
and the ways he chooses to exercise it
to get what he wants
not to give what others need
was ever so
UNattractive (see it works there too)

and *POOF*

instead of the handsome prince
on the white steed

before me stood
(in my mind of course,
because he doesn't even have
the balls to call, much less stand up to me)
was the man
who never grew out of his boyish ways

and *POOF*

I was unillusioned
and sad, because I really liked
the guy I met who seemed like
a true gentleman and scholar
among a sea of dregs and deadbeats
just looking to get lucky

but once again, I was proven wrong.

*I could have used disillusioned, but
I didn't like the connotation of dis
I liked un or non better

I don't like dis (say it like a 5 year old)

and yes,
I do prefer the illusion
I think that gentlemen and scholars
are still out there
and I am putting out the good thought
to find one.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The "ICK" Factor

Have I told you?

Have I told you lately?

I just know I have
told you that I absofuckinglutely

and today
is the reason why

no! not because of my
absolutely fantabulouso
afternoon in Tres Rios
with Mr. Duvall
but because I drove home
from that wonderful
encounter of the close kind
to have dinner
with a man
I had a coffee date
with earlier in the week

I tried to follow new leads
given by another
and picked
an inexpensive
burger joint with character
and I have to say
that after I related my evening
to the muse
she asked
"Well, how was your burger?"

and I replied
with a laugh
"The food was great, thank goodness!"

"and that is what you hold onto."
she retorted

so let's start
with the "ICK" factor
things that make you
create this
shoulder shuddering
neck waggling
while your vocal chords
wail out
and if you can't make that
really long and low
and you will have an idea

first of all
yes, I found him through
the method of cl
and after posing a question
that he answered in wonderful
and intriguing prose
he won the chance at coffee
but alas
I have been asked many times
by men I have met
if I have ever had a bad experience
and usually I say

not really

but I guess the really bad ones
seem to skip my mind
because I choose
not to dwell on it

but tonight
and actually the first night
were really bad ones

the picture he shared
was taken in front
of a castle in Ireland
he has strawberry blond hair
fairly thin
and nice looking
great smile

but the man
waiting outside
the Starbucks
was at least 50 lbs heavier

and I think
well, I could lose a few
so I shouldn't be a weight snob

but then,
he acts as if he looks
just like his pic
and he doesn't have much to say
and then the discussion
moves on
to his ex

why do they always think
I want to know what happened
with their ex's?
WTF is that about

and then it went to
his kids
and how he is trying
to teach his son
how to be good to women
and treat them well
and I wonder
as I sit there

is that what is wrong
with men?
their inept fathers
taught them
everything they know?
I mean
there are a few
who aren't inept
but not many!!!

so I cut it short
feigning exhaustion
and make my escape
as quickly as I can
and without being rude
I make sure I give him
a great hug
and thank him for the coffee

and he asks for dinner
and I ask him
if Sunday night is ok
and of course
I didn't know
I would be driving south
for the afternoon at that time
but didn't want to commit
to a long evening
on Friday
or Saturday
if it didn't go any better
than the first conversation
which was a disaster
making me want to scream
and run away

and he was good with that

and tonight

well, he was late
not 5, not 10 but 15 minutes late
the conversation was a struggle
til he got on a roll
he isn't a hunter
he can't understand
shooting a deer
you see, they come up in his yard
and he sees them as pets
and smarter
than cows,
so he can see shooting cows
as sport
but not deer

but then again
when he was a kid
and gathered the eggs
the family chickens layed
he couldn't stand to eat them
or even fish he had caught
cleaned and fillet'd
because he had seen them
looked them in the eye
before he killed them

and not that I hunt
but come on...

I like eggs, deer sausage
and fish

and then I wondered
how could he eat that burger
and then I remember
oh yeah
we could hunt cows
he didn't even say cattle
but the big thing
that meant a great deal to me
was when our order was ready
and we should go
and pick it up at the counter
he sat on his fat ass
and I got up and got it
and I stood there
and got honey mustard
and napkins
and silverware
he SAT

so I took the food,
condiments, and my
happy self
back to the table

and smilingly
served him
his burger
and me

I know
a small thing
but those are the things
that I do notice
the most.

Then the dog conversation
of his peekipoo
and how his ex
got the lab
and it was the best fit...


and then
the questioning
of dates
and school policies
and education
and math education
and judging me
based on the highest
level I have taught

I was offended
so the time finally came
and I said
I needed to get home
and excused myself
from the table
and he followed
and even to my car
but then he stopped
at the front of the car
and I just kept walking
and got in
and said I would talk to him soon


but I will be nice enough to tell him
on the PHONE
that there was no chemistry
and wish him the best of luck

and besides
as The Muse said
"He wasn't rugged"
definitely not
esp. not enough for me

and once again
I return to the drawing board
and the process
that I abhor
that the one
that should be in my life
will be drawn to me

I just hope it is sooner
than later

the process is so depressing!!!
and I am thinking I will
do as I did last time
and just abstain

as to avoid
ICK Factor

Friday, November 21, 2008

Feeling Stalked

Months ago
things with Tater ended
and I agreed
against my better judgement
to be a friend
and stay in touch
Muse does that
In fact
some of the men
that we say hello
and raise a glass or bottle with
at our local V
are men she has dated
or known many many years
even since puberty
and they are still friends
or at least
so if she can do that
I can too,
or so I thought.

I had agreed to be a friend
only to have it
bite me in the ass
when he wouldn't take
friendship as a boundary

so I had to say I wanted
to do with him

and now
I have my school boxes
and there are no more
to even remotely bind
our lives together

so there is no reason
for him to contact me
but he does
and I have given written warnings
that I will get a restraining order
and he still
and writes emails
and I state it again
so he writes to the Muse
and I say it again
and he writes to me
days later

and I choose to ignore it
and today
this morning
right after talking
to Mr. Duvall
only to hear
that this weekend
he can't come to see me
my phone rings
and I think it is a parent
because I am on my way to school
and sometimes they call
to let me know a child will be absent
so I answer it

and it is Tater
asking me to not hang up
and listen
and instead of saying
I won't talk to him
I said
I can't
and then I apologized
and I hung up

so then I spent the rest of the drive
why did I apologize?
Why didn't I say
NO, leave me alone
why was I polite

probably because
I know how it feels
to want to talk to someone
to have them really listen
and to be able to say things
with your voice
through your vocal chords
and see their eyes
as you say it
and for them to NOT

so I am empathetic

and I am also
to the feeling of
wishing someone would leave
me alone
so I don't want to give
anyone the feeling
I am experiencing
and yet,
I feel a real need to talk
to the one who will not listen

I am resisting it
with all my might

This week I have had 3 dates
One was ok
he was very polite
and there could be a friendship there
but I see nothing further
than that
not enough in common
no sparks for sure

the second was
a disaster
no explanation to give
we knew instantly
and it was short
and over with quickly

and the third
the most promising
through email
was a great disappointment

and I drove home feeling sad
that great chemistry
for me
happens rarely
and the last time it did
just recently
I messed it up
without wanting to
but from being overly anxious
and excited
and who knows what else...
but then I think
maybe it wasn't me
who messed it up
after all
there were two of us
perhaps he messed it up
maybe he wasn't ready
I don't know
and I never will
and so
Friday night
I am home
which is dangerous
about how
that feeling
on a cold night
was here
to spoon with
and laugh
and play
and take away
the chill

sneaks in
when I wish I could
just enjoy my nice home
and be ok
doing my own thing
the cold feelings
sneaking up on me

this too will pass
and the feeling
that someone wants to talk
and yet,
I cannot
and keep my own sanity
because I cannot give him
what he wants
in any way shape or form

knowing that

I want to understand
that others may feel the same
and I should let it go
and look forward
to the next time
great chemistry presents itself
and hope
it goes better. ...
in the long run

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Twice in Two Weeks

Mr. Duvall has come to see me

not once

but twice

in the span of 15 days

he went on and on

about how great

my new place is

and how happy

I should be each day

when I come home

and I am

I put up all the boxes

that tater dropped

on my door step

and actually even

had the patio rearranged

and looking good

for his arrival.

The full moon

lightly covered by

puffy white clouds

shining down on us

as we sat in the big chair


and playing a little more


that I thought possible in

that chair

as we laughed and I

tried to breathe in

and hold the moment

as long as I could..

just as I did this morning

as we made love

after he woke me up

in my favorite way

and we held each other

as the morning became brighter

so for twice

in two weeks

I have had my favorite man

in my bed

and it is wonderful.

Now, I am trying to decide
with my heart open to love
if it could be with the man
that is a great love of mine
after all
we respect each other
we know our boundaries
and we do not cross them
we care about each other
and take care of each other
when in each other's company
he has never failed to treat me
better than anyone else ever has.

Friday, November 07, 2008

My Heart is Open to Love

You know
that can be read
many different ways
depending on the inflection
you inflict

but it is true
and I have a necklace
with an open heart
that states it

tonight I sit in a motel room
hundreds of miles
away from home
exhausted from a day
of listening and learning
at a three day conference
with one day left
before I head home

A week has passed
since my great halloween date
and I am missing
my new compadre tonight
wishing to hear the familiar
ring of the cell phone
or see an email notification
to know he
is missing me as well
I refuse to call
because I know all too well
that feeling
of receiving a call
or email
or text message
from someone that seems
much too eager to talk to me
when i am not as eager to talk
to them
so I refuse to call
and I have been
since last Sunday

so I resist the temptation
by distracting myself
with other emails
phone calls
and surfing the net
for info related to the conference

As hunger set in
after a long tiring day
I walked over to the nearest
a mexican food place
that is not as good as 99%
of the ones in the Alamo City
and I am seated at a table
in between two large party tables
and backed up against a wall

At first I don't pay much attention
to the people around me
but as I settle in
voices float around me
and conversations begin to filter
into my head

In front of me, a woman
short, blond and a big talker
looking at the man to her right
as she was attempting to make a point
and make eye contact with him
He, on the other hand,
was looking at the brunette woman to his right
and even though
he didn't look at the blond
you could tell he was listening

My eyes continued to be transfixed
on him as curiousity washed over me
as to which woman he was with
so discreetly as could be
I studied the dynamics of the table
in front of me

there were two men and two women
so there were two couples
the blond was obviously
upset that the man to her right
that had on a fishing tshirt
was not looking at her
as she spoke

the brunette
talked intermittantly
and all eyes were on her as she spoke
the fishing man
was obviously with her
for as she spoke
he looked at her
with eyes of adoration
it was obvious,
there was some serious
lovin' going on
He hung on every word
she said
and her body language

Sparkling eyes
small smirky, but yet sexy smile
his love and admiration
could not be mistaken
and was so refreshing to see
I cannot remember
the last time I saw a man
look at someone so sincerely
and with such love
The fourth man

at the table
was non descript
and the blonde woman
was obviously well aware
of the dynamics
of the relationships and feelings
at the table

She was coveting
what the brunette had
and trying to compensate
for the envy she felt
to no avail

it was all my interpretation
but it was plainly in view

my main interest
and what really struck me
with great awe

was a man showing his love
all over his face
as plainly as could be
in the company of others

I was envious as well
so I touched my open heart
that hangs around my neck
and thought the good thought

My man will do the same
when I find him
or he finds me

Walking back to the motel
the disappointment of the food
passed through my mind
but a smile found itself
on my face
as the revelation
that the food was disappointing
but the view was not
it was uplifting, promising
and left me with hope and joy

You never know what you might find
regardless of why you are there

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Men Behaving Badly

After a long and exciting week
and a great date on Halloween
my mind pondered whether I should
get up very early Saturday
and join RJ and family
on a 5K run
for a good cause
I decide I should
it would do me good
and I could come home afterwards
and sleep.

So I set my alarm
and I look at the picture of the big game hunter
and I call to see if he is home yet
and he is on his way
but not there yet
he says he will call on Saturday
which creates a smile on my face
and his
so we say goodnight,
I roll over and fall asleep
a little while later
I wake up and look at the clock
6:45 glares back at me
WHAT? the alarm was set for 6
the race starts at 8 across town
so picking up the phone and dialing RJ
"Have you left yet?" I ponder
when he answers
"No, we are right now" he retorts
"Where are you?"

I respond with
"My alarm didn't go off,
and I just woke up. So, do you think
I should get up and rush over there
or just go back to sleep?"

"Go back to sleep, you don't have time
to get there before it starts. By the way
how was your date last night?"

A huge grin finds its way on my face
"Great! Just Great!"

"Well go back to sleep, you can tell me
all about it later..."
as I set the phone down
on the bedside table
I decide to roll over
and doze a while...
A little while later
I slowly wake up
and glance over at the clock
while my mind thinks about all
I have to do today
an afternoon with a friend
at the Day of the Dead celebration
a ball game to watch tonight
school papers to grade
plans to write
and the clock glares at me 8:07
rolling out of bed
grabbing my robe
feet shuffling toward the kitchen
pouring the last
of the Mocha Java
into the filter
and pouring the water
into the reservoir
thoughts of my previous evening
enter my mind
he sensed I wasn't trusting
he asked me to trust him
and we practiced a trust exercise
and he was trustworthy
he asked about why
I would not distrust him
and I explained
that previous encounters
had formed behaviors
that are hard to break.
He was very understanding
While the coffee was brewing
I retrieved the newspaper from
the front porch
and a blanket from the bedroom
having poured my first cup of coffee
I retreated to the patio
sitting in the big chair
and situated myself under the cover
ready to enjoy both the
Friday daily paper
and the Saturday daily paper
and my cell phone rings
focusing on the display
finding it is not a number I know
but it is local
I wonder if it is a parent of a child
so I answer
it is TATER
pushing me
to take him back
to give us a try
and I try
politely to explain
that I am not willing to turn back
and give the relationship another try
and he asks why
and I don't want to say
so I just say I can't
and he continues to push the matter
for 35 MINUTES
until I have had enough
so I tell him that I have to go
that I was trying to read the paper
and enjoy my morning
and I have now been talking to him
for over 35 minutes
and he says goodbye abruptly and hangs up
relief flows over me
I sit and regain my composure
and ponder the papers
wishing I had read Fridays before
my date on Friday
upon finding my coffee cold
and nearly gone,
I return to the kitchen and
pour another cup
and about 40 minutes later
I decide it is time to get ready
for my lunch with a friend
so I walk in
she calls
we make a plan to meet at 11
and shop at the Farmer's Market
together, eat lunch
and then I am going to the
Day of the Dead celebration alone
she has a paper to write for her masters program
as I hang up the phone
I hear some clattering sounds
out the front window
so I look out
and what do I see
unloading boxes
and stacking them outside my condo
He was storing my school boxes and
some other items from when I moved
that I didn't have room for at the time
and even though we had quit seeing each other
he promised he would keep them for me
til the new year
and not ever leave them sitting outside
apparently he didn't like my decision
and chose to deliver them to me
I walked outside
and he wouldn't speak
so I started bringing boxes in
I thought I had retrieved them all
and stopped and returned
to get ready for lunch
and here he comes again
this time he carried things inside too
and I so did not want him in the house
but I didn't want to make a scene either
so I dressed for my lunch
made sure no boxes were behind my vehicle
and told him that if there were more
to put them in my parking place,
and I left.
While at lunch, he called
and I didn't answer
I had a minute before I went home
and I listened to the voicemail
long and lengthy
but basically
he didn't want to leave things out
while I wasn't home
so he packed them all up
in his van
and would return later in the day
or sunday
he didn't return Saturday
because I said I wouldn't be home
he did bring them Sunday
and I was working to put away
the ones from the day before
He rang the bell
I walked to the door
he wanted to come in
and I told him to put them in my parking place
he asked where my car was
and I said
not here
He unloaded
he paused out of sight
he walked to the door
and wanted to give me something
I told him to just leave it on the mat
he said he wanted to have a 5 minute conversation
I said there was nothing left to say
He said he wanted to tell me some things
about me
I said I knew enough about me
I didn't need to hear what he had to say
and asked if he had unloaded everything
and he said he had
I thanked him for delivering my things to me

and he walked away

now he has called my friends
concerned about me

and all day Saturday

the big game hunter did not call
how do you make sure you don't trade one bad man for another?