Sunday, May 25, 2008

Mosaic of Bennu

I like to watch TV
Do you like to watch TV?
I know people who don't
they have better things to do
which really...
isn't difficult
there is so much crap
on TV now...
mindless crap
that is rehashed or revamped

but with a DVR
I just skip all the commercials
unless there is a trailer for a movie
I want to see

I was watching one of my fav 5 shows
and it was recorded,
I didn't watch it the night it was on
I was kanoodling with tater that night

and it really spoke to me
about broken spirit

the storyline or show isn't important
What is...?
well I watched that character
get treated like shit by the person above her

I watched her shrivel up
week by week
until she was a shell of a person

I don't know how actors do it
I don't know how they find that look
on their face
in their eyes
that makes them look so
but she had it down pat

and then someone gave her a chance
and backed her up
and made her feel
as good as she was at her job

and then today
I got an email from a friend
a friend that is very intuitive
whose eyes I have never gazed in
and yet I trust without pause
who said
it seems *you have given up

and in many ways I have

I mean

what makes you feel like you have

been a good parent
been good at your job
been a good Significant Other
been a good friend
been a good person, who did the right thing?

What is it?

Is it praise,
Is it self- praise
Is it success by your children or your SO?
Is it the gage you set on your relationships with others?

I don't know

I don't feel good at any of those things right now

given up? or being broken?

are they the same things?

how long have I been this way?
have I been broken since I was 7?
with a very significant turn of events
from two girls I thought were my friends
were what children are
Or was it at the age of 18, my birthday
as a matter of fact
and the first boy I loved
and gave myself to
broke up with me
and broke my heart and
it took me over 2 years to get over it...
(we dated less than 4 months, so don't talk to me about how long it takes to get over something)
and of course
I was blindsided by the breakup
I didn't see it coming at all

Or was it something else since then?

I don't know where the beginning point was
but I am at the wall
not a wall I have faced before
a big wall,
a huge, solid, thick

so after two days
of heavy sighs
watching for the signs
of which I have gotten some
and picking myself up
and dusting myself off

I am going to put myself back together again
I don't know how
I don't know how long it will take

all I know
is it that
or choosing not to live
and being miserable
which I don't want to do

the problem I do anticipate
is that I won't be the
"me" I was before
so I don't know who will make it through
to the end with me
but I am hoping I don't lose
any one else in my life
I am not up for more loss

The official start day
is June 6
I have to survive until then
biding my time
paying my dues
then the transformation officially begins
some changes have already started.

any suggestions? let me know

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Picking at the Scrunchy

Muse has commented of late
that I am not posting about Tater...

well, no, I am not...
he asked me not to,

but in the spirit
of using this as an outlet

here we go

what do you do
when someone you really care about
and profess to love
(as if that is really possible for me)
does something
or many things in public
that make you cringe?

Maybe they are sarcastic
to the bartender
(your favorite bartender)
in your favorite hang out
asking questions
about the other guys that have been there
with you

What do you do when
they show open jealousy
but swear that is not what it is?

Maybe they don't like your male friends
and when they find out
you have plans with them
they make sure they are available
to see you then
so you will change your plans

What do you do
when they witheld affection
or kanoodling
and when you ask what is wrong
they say they have been thinking...
and when you say
in a questioning voice
"about breaking up"?
because let's face it
we know we are about to get
hit upside the head
on our blind side
where we weren't expecting anything
bad to happen at this point...

What do you do
when you feel like he needs
constant prodding
and reassurance
of what a great guy he is?
(and really, besides the above,
he is beyond great)

I don't know what to do
I don't want to be a hermit
and not hang out in fun places
or never see my friends in person

on the other hand,
just so he doesn't sound as bad
as I made him out to be

he pays great compliments
he shows great attention
when he is with me
he surprises me with lunch sometimes
he calls all the time
he sends uplifting and loving emails
we have great conversations
we are great friends and lovers

but the jealousy and
seemingly low self-esteem

man, how do you deal with that?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Wisdom, Man I Could Use Some

You know that prayer?
the one I won't name
because anyone who googles it
will get this blog address
if I use the name

the one that says
God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference
between the things I can change
the things I can't

I could use some of that wisdom
right now
can you teach a new dog old tricks
or an old dog new tricks?
I don't think you can teach a dog anything
unless he wants to learn it

let's talk about the new dog
my youngest son
who came by yesterday
when I know he has been lurking
around for weeks but doesn't say anything
unless he wants something
he wanted a ride to the cell phone store
when he could have walked
and he showed up
shortly after I returned from the grocery store
so I just said no
I wasn't going anywhere right now
and he could just come back later
If he wanted to eat a good meal
I was going to make
Chicken Fried Steak and
mashed potatoes for dinner

so..... somehow
he showed up
right about the time
dinner was ready
and I could tell something was amiss
but I wasn't sure
if he was high
or drunk
or strung out
but I let it go
he was very chatty
but not talking fast
he showed concern for his grandmother
and her health
so I took that as an opportunity
to tell him that I was worried about
more than I was about her
he has no home
he sleeps under a bridge at times
and several other things
that really scare me about his safety
and he blurted out

Mom, I am a drug addict
I do drugs every day
I drink alcohol every day

I have tried and tried to help him
but at this point
I don't know what to do
and it literally broke my heart

I know he would have never said it
if he were straight
but he was really pouring out his heart
and saying things he never says
so it was whatever he had in his system
that was taking his defenses down
and inhibitions away

I know from my experience with my own father
you can't help them until they want
to help themselves
but my son is just not there
and my dad never got there
his drinking literally killed him
and I buried him when I was 22

so yeah, I wish I had the wisdom
to know what to do

and I know you all mean well
but please no advice for my son
just make a comment if you have some
about how I can cope with the situation

He doesn't listen to me
and my friends have all meant well
in the past with advice for what he should do
but it doesn't work for me to tell him

I have only told one person about this
and I wanted to talk to another today
but I sat there and thought about it
and realized I felt a social stigma coming on
and couldn't bring myself to talk about it

teaching the old dog new tricks will have to wait
I am sure he isn't in any hurry to change anyway

Saturday, May 17, 2008

On the Outside Looking In

I watched a movie
called the Good Witch
It was a happy ending
Hallmark Movie
all the makings of a chick flick

still there was an element
that haunted me
as I watched it

The woman just wanted a home
a place she belonged
she had traveled all over
and even though she was a good person
people didn't accept her well
she never felt like she fit in

must have been a good reason
I picked that corny movie to watch
and yes
it was a universal theme
and she was
so much nicer than I am

but that is how I feel
like I never fit in
when that is all I have ever really wanted
a circle of good friends
a place to call home
a family that is close and loving

I guess I just didn't have the tools
to create that in my life
the life tools needed
for some it comes so easy
and for others it is so difficult
and many times

the friends I do have
I feel are not really my friends
they are just other people who have lives
that I peek in on
from the outside
to be invited in
every once in a great while
and when they are tired of me
or have better things to do
I am no longer allowed to look
or join in
whether for a short time
or for ever
it is a very odd feeling
this disposable society we now have

I feel the end of a relationship
with a friend coming
and that there is nothing I can do
to turn it around

I have tried to overlook
the idiosyncrises that annoy me
and let them go
I have tried to be a good friend
and yet sometimes
I know I have not been one
but not because I didn't want to be

a friendship has just run it's course
and you have to let it go
and move forward

People change,
their lives change,
their bodies change,
their moods change,
their relationships with others change,

maybe friendships are like clothes
they get worn out
or they are out grown
and in some cases they may have been
hand me down friendships
that are appreciated but at the same time
despised for not being new ones

all I know
is that I feel
like I am on the outside
looking in
and all I want to do
is open the door
and find a home
that is safe, loving and inviting...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Exhaustion / Mother's Day

I have been home for less than a week
There is so much to be done here
I basically lost over 6 weeks
of momentum
due to being out of town
with my mom, who,
is doing great, thanks for asking

and I should have worked all weekend
to try to get "caught up"
but I didn't
I couldn't
I mean I couldn't move
I couldn't wake up
I yawned and moved slow
all weekend
I spent Mother's Day
just vegging out,
catching up with the shows
on my DVR
when I did go out
I went for coffee
and found myself yawning
on the way home
then in the afternoon
I went to see my youngest son
at his work and ate with him
during his break

he took me to breakfast on Saturday
for Mother's Day
because he had to work Sunday
so I thought it would be good
for me to go eat with him

but other than that
and two short breaks
to sit in the sunshine
I really layed around
like a sloth

at first I thought I was a bit depressed
then I thought I just haven't
been sleeping well
and then tater called
and suggested
it was exhaustion
and I think he is right
mental fatigue
is all it is
but i woke up early
on Monday morning
(hence this post)
and even though I would like
to go back to sleep
I doubt I can
I have rested all weekend
and today
today I have to wake up
and smell the coffee
and get back on the horse
called "my life"
after being thrown
from pure exhaustion

My mother's day was pleasant
but very quiet
my oldest forgot about it
until after midnight
and then sent me a message
that he would take me to dinner
while in town in June.

I hope you had a pleasant weekend
and that your children appreciated their mom
on Sunday

Monday, May 05, 2008

Rods or Rides

I am a Texan
through and through
I have the accent to prove it

When I moved to South Texas
From the far Northern Corner
I was told I had a different accent
not necessarily Texan
and I was offended

It damn sure is Texan

When I met the muse
she teased me about talking slow
and asking her to repeat things
because she was talking fast

For a long time
I didn't see what they were talking about
I didn't think it was that big of a deal
I mean,
I thought they thought I wasn't
Texan enough
because I didn't have a Spanish accent
(I know... but it is true)

Tater makes loving fun
of my accent and how sexy he thinks it is
and since I have spent most
of the last two months
at my moms

Muse witnessed first hand
when she came with me
on the first trip
that I came by my accent
and that many people here
have a thicker one than I do

and when I went back
to the hill country
she teased me
that I needed to talk faster
I wasn't in the panhandle anymore

Tater teases me
that I slip right back into my accent
when I am 550 miles north
because today I was explaining
that there are rides at an event
we were discussing
like a Ferris Wheel
but until I said Ferris Wheel
he didn't understand what I was saying
because he was hearing
They have "rods" at Wurstfest
like a Ferris Wheel and the Tilt-a-Whirl
which are my two favorites...

and I thought they were just
plain silly
I don't see it
or hear it
but then this morning
I was in the kitchen
making biscuits
for the first time in my life
(I refused to make them as long
as my mom could, so now I have to,
and they were great for a first batch esp.)
and I was talking to Ya
and she said
"I can't understand you when you talk so fast"

and I busted out laughing
so I guess
I talk too fast for Northern Texans
and too slow and with a drawl
for the Hill Country Texans

or then again
maybe I just have a sexy Texan Accent!!!
that is hard to pinpoint the location of origin

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Here's Your Sign

Many times
I have discussed
with people in my life
the idea
that there are signs
signs that show us a path
signs that talk to us
signs that things are right
signs that things are not right
and many times
many, many,
many times
I have not listened
or have discarded
or shushed
the signs...

The Muse calls them flukes
and writes about how they
save her life
or complicate it

I have wondered
in what way am I
suppose to interpret them

The latest sign
I have experienced
is a job offer
that I have already written about

Tater and I have gone
around and around
about what I should do
he supports the idea
that if I take it
things will continue between us
but at a longer distance
than either of us
would prefer

So.... explain to me
why a good man
would come into my life
after a very long spell
of years
without one
and then I would be handed
a great job
in another city
and am suppose to take it

well, let's see
in the long run
he isn't suppose to be the man
and the job is life-changing

he is the man
the last great love of my life
and a year
or rather 9 months apart
will just make it better
the timing will fit then

the sign isn't
to TAKE the job
but rather to show me
that I can get another job offer
that I am good at my vocation
and I shouldn't let the troubles
where I have been dictate to me
loss of faith in what I am good at

and the good man is there
to reassure me
that I will be fine
and to stand by me
and cheer me on
as I face my fears
and move forward

and there are other signs
like today
when I was talking to Tater
and he asked what time
the Spurs game was
on Sunday
and I said it was at 7:00
and he asked
and then he said
ok, just hand me my sign
I know they aren't playing
at 7 am
and I was thinking
when he asked PM?

Here's your sign
but I didn't dare say it

Friday, May 02, 2008

I Have Nothing to Fear, but I am Afraid

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself

One of, if not, THE ONE
thing I let hold me back
or hold me down
is Fear

I am afraid I won't find another job
but Tater has faith that I will
Muse has faith that I will
my mom has faith that I will...

and what IF
I don't
I reply when I am told
by my mom

Well then you will wait tables
or do something else

ummmmm I don't think I can make
my budget waiting tables
but ok,
maybe I should just get over my fear
and jump into the deep end
and be done
with it

I needed someone to talk me down
talk me down off the ledge
figuratively, not literally....

and I couldn't get RJ on the phone
I knew Tater wouldn't answer
Muse wouldn't answer
and my mom was in surgery
so she was not going to answer

there were others I could call
but that is the order they came up
in my mind
and after that
I fussed at myself

why do I need them to talk me down
I should talk me down
off the ledge
I always want someone to "save" me
from myself usually
but sometimes from situations

and yesterday, I was sitting
in a waiting room
with My mom's cousin
who is good to us
but a nosey busybody
who asks if I am going to move up here
to live with Ya
after school is out...

ummmm no, we have talked about it
blah blah blah

then it hits me
the wall
I hit the wall
between fussy people at work
fear of what will happen to me professionally
and not knowing for sure
what is going on in my love life
which appears to be going well
but I have this underlying Fear
that something is awry
my youngest son is a homeless person
and for the most part, is ok with it
but he really seems broken to me
and I feel guilty, like I broke him
and my mom is having a foreign object
inserted in her heart
and it is taking longer than it should

I hit the wall
I was on the ledge
I was beyond the edge
and if I could have gone *poof*
from this life
I would have

and what emotion does it all stem from?

Rotten, Stinkin'


so then
in the hospital room
Ya and I were talking
while we were alone
and she was talking about
a friend of hers
that really wasn't very strong
and needed a man, her husband, namely
to be strong for her
and she said
she, herself, was strong
and that I was strong
most of the time
but not always
and that I needed someone to be strong
for me sometimes
and I agreed
but I said
people don't see that in me
they all see me as strong
and never that I don't always want to be
or even AM
and then they don't know how to deal with me

but she sees it
and so do I

so my biggest fear
I am overcoming
and have been working on
although I digress when someone like Tater
appears in my life
is that I am fearful
of being alone
and having to take care
of all the SH*T I hate to take care of
by myself

and then when I left the hospital
yesterday, I thought
as much as I hate those things
I will have to do them
so I just need to over come my fear

what ever it is...

and if someone like Tater is there
and if he isn't (esp. Tater)
then it is a good thing I can do it
on my own

like being here
taking care of my mom
on my own
like finding a job
that fits with what I want
regardless of where it is
like being fearful
and then realizing
the only thing I have to fear
is fear

God would not have presented this situation
if it weren't for a good reason
I just need to figure out what I need to do
and where
and do it.

And when the fear sets in
just hug me
and tell me to persevere
it will be worth it.