I Have Nothing to Fear, but I am Afraid

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself

One of, if not, THE ONE
thing I let hold me back
or hold me down
is Fear

I am afraid I won't find another job
but Tater has faith that I will
Muse has faith that I will
my mom has faith that I will...

and what IF
I don't
I reply when I am told
by my mom

Well then you will wait tables
or do something else


ummmmm I don't think I can make
my budget waiting tables
but ok,
maybe I should just get over my fear
and jump into the deep end
and be done
with it

Yesterday
I needed someone to talk me down
talk me down off the ledge
figuratively, not literally....

and I couldn't get RJ on the phone
I knew Tater wouldn't answer
Muse wouldn't answer
and my mom was in surgery
so she was not going to answer

there were others I could call
but that is the order they came up
in my mind
and after that
I fussed at myself

why do I need them to talk me down
I should talk me down
off the ledge
I always want someone to "save" me
from myself usually
but sometimes from situations

and yesterday, I was sitting
in a waiting room
with My mom's cousin
who is good to us
but a nosey busybody
who asks if I am going to move up here
to live with Ya
after school is out...

ummmm no, we have talked about it
blah blah blah

then it hits me
the wall
I hit the wall
between fussy people at work
fear of what will happen to me professionally
and not knowing for sure
what is going on in my love life
which appears to be going well
but I have this underlying Fear
that something is awry
my youngest son is a homeless person
and for the most part, is ok with it
but he really seems broken to me
and I feel guilty, like I broke him
and my mom is having a foreign object
inserted in her heart
and it is taking longer than it should

I hit the wall
I was on the ledge
I was beyond the edge
and if I could have gone *poof*
from this life
I would have

and what emotion does it all stem from?
FEAR

Rotten, Stinkin'

FEAR

so then
later
in the hospital room
Ya and I were talking
while we were alone
and she was talking about
a friend of hers
that really wasn't very strong
and needed a man, her husband, namely
to be strong for her
and she said
she, herself, was strong
and that I was strong
most of the time
but not always
and that I needed someone to be strong
for me sometimes
and I agreed
but I said
people don't see that in me
they all see me as strong
and never that I don't always want to be
or even AM
and then they don't know how to deal with me

but she sees it
and so do I

so my biggest fear
I am overcoming
and have been working on
although I digress when someone like Tater
appears in my life
is that I am fearful
of being alone
and having to take care
of all the SH*T I hate to take care of
by myself

and then when I left the hospital
yesterday, I thought
as much as I hate those things
I will have to do them
so I just need to over come my fear
and
JUST DO IT

what ever it is...

and if someone like Tater is there
Great
and if he isn't (esp. Tater)
then it is a good thing I can do it
on my own

like being here
taking care of my mom
on my own
like finding a job
that fits with what I want
regardless of where it is
like being fearful
and then realizing
the only thing I have to fear
is fear

God would not have presented this situation
if it weren't for a good reason
I just need to figure out what I need to do
and where
and do it.

And when the fear sets in
just hug me
and tell me to persevere
it will be worth it.