Mosaic of Bennu

I like to watch TV
Do you like to watch TV?
I know people who don't
they have better things to do
which really...
isn't difficult
there is so much crap
on TV now...
mindless crap
that is rehashed or revamped

but with a DVR
I just skip all the commercials
unless there is a trailer for a movie
I want to see

anyway
I was watching one of my fav 5 shows
and it was recorded,
I didn't watch it the night it was on
I was kanoodling with tater that night

and it really spoke to me
about broken spirit

the storyline or show isn't important
What is...?
well I watched that character
get treated like shit by the person above her

I watched her shrivel up
week by week
until she was a shell of a person

I don't know how actors do it
I don't know how they find that look
on their face
in their eyes
that makes them look so
broken
but she had it down pat

and then someone gave her a chance
and backed her up
and made her feel
as good as she was at her job

and then today
I got an email from a friend
a friend that is very intuitive
whose eyes I have never gazed in
and yet I trust without pause
who said
it seems *you have given up

and in many ways I have

I mean

what makes you feel like you have

been a good parent
been good at your job
been a good Significant Other
been a good friend
been a good person, who did the right thing?

What is it?

Is it praise,
Is it self- praise
Is it success by your children or your SO?
Is it the gage you set on your relationships with others?

I don't know

I don't feel good at any of those things right now

given up? or being broken?

are they the same things?

how long have I been this way?
have I been broken since I was 7?
with a very significant turn of events
from two girls I thought were my friends
were what children are
cruel?
Or was it at the age of 18, my birthday
as a matter of fact
and the first boy I loved
and gave myself to
broke up with me
and broke my heart and
it took me over 2 years to get over it...
(we dated less than 4 months, so don't talk to me about how long it takes to get over something)
and of course
I was blindsided by the breakup
I didn't see it coming at all

Or was it something else since then?

I don't know where the beginning point was
but I am at the wall
not a wall I have faced before
a big wall,
a huge, solid, thick
wall

so after two days
of heavy sighs
watching for the signs
of which I have gotten some
and picking myself up
and dusting myself off


I am going to put myself back together again
I don't know how
I don't know how long it will take

all I know
is it that
or choosing not to live
and being miserable
which I don't want to do

the problem I do anticipate
is that I won't be the
"me" I was before
so I don't know who will make it through
to the end with me
but I am hoping I don't lose
any one else in my life
I am not up for more loss

The official start day
is June 6
I have to survive until then
biding my time
paying my dues
then the transformation officially begins
although
some changes have already started.

any suggestions? let me know