Thursday, June 29, 2006

What Would You Like to Know?

Each time I have a little more time to surf blogs I usually pick someone who has visited my blog first, and then the Must Reads of other blogs I read regularly. Miss Vickie of Beyond the Crossroads is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. One thing she did to help me get to know her better is to ask her readers what they would like to know about her.

Now I know I have many lurkers and few commenters and I love reading your comments so please leave some, and ask a question if you have one.

So... g'head, g'head...ask me... anything...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006



Weird Day and Weird Shit

Last night Amused Muse and I went to the VFW and drank... I had it in my head that I should not just have my usual Parrot Bay Coconut Rum and Diet Coke but that I should make my favorite drink...

Poolside- Parrot Bay Rum, Capt. Morgan Spiced Rum, Blue Curacao, Pineapple Juice, Orange Juice and a splash of Sprite.

So I splurged and bought the additional spirits and juices.

It obviously does not take many of them to get me plastered. I only had one and then returned to my tried and true, PB and DC.... too much hassle for me right now... I am doing good to get my clothes not to clash and my shoes to match each other, with no concern of whether they go with what I am wearing or not.

The idea for the poolsides stem from our recent situation with our favorite pool. Our pool passes (virtual/real... you be the judge), have been revoked due to circumstances beyond our control. We had really gotten attached to that pool and of course to the owner... but WTF Shit Happens.

Anyway, it is one thing for my pool pass to be revoked, but Amused Muses... well I felt bad. So I stopped at the local Big Lots Store and bought a pool for her.

Ok, ok, so it isn't really a "pool"... it involves water, and it would be good to have while in the back yard sunbathing. It was a cheap version of a slip and slide... and a fun noodle, just to make her laugh... yesterday was a hard day for her, due to personal matters and it being an anniversary of the loss of her mother, so we both could use some light and breezy cheering up.

So what better to go with our pool than Poolsides...? Well it was the thought that counted. She drank I am not a beer drinker.

Then we headed out to our favorite spot to sit, drink and be merry, the VFW. We had a good time... sat with our favorite regular, Mr. Keeper of the Beer, and tried to pretend all was right with the world... he is one smart cookie, he knew I was sad, even without knowing any of the shit that was going on with me. I didn't tell him either, and when Amused Muse and I arrived back at her house, we sat out in the yard for a few minutes and admired the stars, Big Dipper, wispy clouds and talked a bit... then my cell phone announced

You have a new message....

I opened it up to find a text message from Mr. Keeper of the Beer, that said ...

Tomorrow will be better...

awww how sweet.... that was quite a nice gesture... from a really nice guy that we talk to everytime we are there :)

Then we went to bed... it took me quite a while to fall asleep and then the next think I knew it was 3 am, then 4am...

Yes, I woke up every hour.... thinking about those things that won't leave my thoughts.... knowing that I have no control over anything other than how I choose to move on with my life and put myself back together...

The freaky thing was that when I finally gave up and got out of bed at 7 am, I could remember all the dreams I had last night...

which all were around the same theme... confrontational people coming up to me and wanting information... all the while I was looking at the face, to see what it looked like, because even though I know the person, I don't "know" the person confronting me... and I, out of morbid curiosity want to see their face.

Of course my response was not a diarrhea of the mouth of what truly went on that I was party to, but a simple statement of

You don't want to have this conversation... you really don't want to have this conversation...

so even in my dreams, I am unable to do what once would have been no big deal to me, no skin off my back, but now...

somehow now I know that it would do nothing but make me angry, cause more problems, and in the end I would feel bad that I hurt someone I love so dearly, obviously with an unconditional love that I have not felt for anyone else, not even my own children... now don't get me wrong, I love my own children unconditionally, but not in this way at all....

but those dreams... those dreams were quite disturbing and made me feel like I was the one who was ... was... "the bad girl"... and I am sorry, I wasn't... but I still feel like I was the enabler, and that is probably why I feel like I was the bad girl...

I am trying my best to stop drinking Diet Cokes in the morning, and today I "tested" a replacement that is an herbal tea with lots of caffeine in a bottle... for when I am on the run...well let's just say that it put a whole new meaning to the term "on the run" this evening...

I was bitchier than usual this morning, but I think that was not just due to my craving of a Diet Coke burning the back of my throat or the fizz tickling my nostrils.

I am still having panic attacks, but they are waning as are much of my other symptoms... so Mr. Counter of the Beer

I started reading one of my many books on my bookshelf I haven't read and there were some really good lines in it, that I may post on in the future. I had a good bit of time to read before Amused Muse stirred this morning.

Then we proceeded to put her bathroom back together after she had painted it last week. We had a good laugh over our terminology about rescrewing the brackets for her curtain rod back up...

it would make a great post for Walker to read on my Friday Fantasy Post on Bennu 2.

You screw that one and I will do this one.

Is it in yet?

Did you find the hole?

Are you sure you are in the right hole?

Did you put it in the top hole or the bottom hole?

Where's your rod?

Man, I screwed the wrong hole, I did the bottom hole and you did the top hole... now we aren't even.

Ok, rescrew the top hole... there isn't one there? Well then make one... Is it hard to screw without a hole?

Ok, now that is a straight rod.

and yes, people we were laughing our heads off and they were in the gutter... but it took the monotony out of the task... next we are going to rewire the switches and outlets, replacing the beige hardware with white hardware... that should be fun...

Then we started peeling the wallpaper border in her kitchen off. I was on the stepping stool for over two hours, spraying, peeling, washing, scrubbing, and will have at least that long tomorrow, if not 2 hours longer before we are finished. It will look so much better after we paint it. I am helping her and then she is going to help me paint a wall in my living room. That is a few weeks away though I think.

For payment she bought me dinner at a local Chinese restaurant and as usual, here is my fortune... I must say, when I add the ending, it is much more intriguing than when I don't...

New financial resources will soon become available to you.... in bed

I guess I will dream that I win the lottery? hmmm... what do you think?

then we watched two Sex in the City episodes and she has gone to take her bath and go to bed, and here I am, after having my only carbonated soda for the day mixed with some rum... two drinks I can get out of one can of diet RC cola (not as much caffeine in the evening) which I savored every mouthful and every swallow... yes I swallowed...

give me a break, I need to have some fun where I can find it.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

500 Miles and a Day Later

I am home. I took many more pictures than I have posted. My mom wanted to know why I didn't email them to myself... ummmm it is too much trouble with her limited computer capabilities to email myself over 200 photos... I just downloaded them onto her computer. She has them, and next time I am there, I will have access again. I am sure it will not be that long before I go to visit again.

I return home with very mixed emotions. There are many fresh skeletons in my closet that I must deal with and work at moving forward with my life. I have a plan, I have some goals, I will post them here at some point, but right now, I am working at keeping my composure from one minute to the next. Some minutes are better than others...

The pool is still torn up... which sucks because Amused Muse and I were getting spoiled with a pool close by to sit, drink, and enjoy the water and company... but unfortunately, our pool passes were revoked along with all our other perks... bummer

Tomorrow I am hanging out with her for the evening... we will be drinking poolsides at the VFW tomorrow evening and checking out the wildlife...

You know... get back in the swing of things. The only swing I want to get back in is the porch swing. Fighting it... trying not to, but that is my MO, just the way I am made....

Another Parrot Bay and Diet coke please...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fauna of Palo Duro Canyon

I saw much more than these, but the opportunity to take a picture wasn't available with the rabbits, birds...other than the eagle, other lizards and big flying bugs I couldn't discern what were.

I was wishing I would see a horny toad, but the ants were of the wrong hue.

Palo Duro Canyon from the Canyon Floor

Palo Duro Canyon... From the Rim

Thursday, June 22, 2006

An Oasis in the Desert

Various views of my mom's backyard. It is very peaceful and shady... when the dogs aren't barking or licking me and there is enough wind the mosquitoes aren't out...

Actually, it is a good place to relax and think and have conversations with mom.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I Just Want to Go Home... oh wait, supposedly I am there...

For all practical purposes, I have not been in my apartment for a MONTH, yes a whole Month... for more than 4 weeks I have been cooking, cleaning dishes (which I abhor) helping do things I don't normally do...

For example: for my mom, I feed and water 5 little chihuahua puppies several times a day, let them out in the yard to run around and play and watch to make sure they don't drown in the pond. Most of the time, I don't mind, and the first two weeks of the month I have not been home, I really enjoyed, but now I am starting to wish I had my own bed to sleep in. My pet and smoke free abode, where if I don't feel like eating I don't have to cook.

Don't get me wrong, I love cooking. There is nothing I enjoy more than a meal cooked at home, whether by myself or in conjunction with someone else. I have just not done this much cooking in a very long time, and then to cook a meal practically every day, sometimes 2 or 3 meals, well it is beginning to take it's toll. Especially when I enjoy having others to chat with, or cook with and that has been absent for me. Today I cooked fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and had salad to go with it. My mom was within 10 feet of me, but she was busy with a number puzzle from the newspaper and her only comment was such a strange one I thought someone else was talking through her. It's Wednesday she said... You should call.

What? Who are you talking to?


Call who? I ask

well that is as far as I am going with that... but it isn't like her to tell me that or sound that way.

I have officially been here 8 days. Normally I stay 5, so it is rare that we make it this far. Well today the signs that I should go home soon raised their ugly heads so I am sure that I will be home sooner than some thought and later than some wished.

In the mean time, I went to a great deal of trouble to chase down 2 fresh, never frozen chickens, fry them and then revel in how great they tasted, so here are a few pictures to make you either gross out or salivate, depending on your preference of fried chicken.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Pretty Place Pictures

The Pretty Place Text

Mother and I drove to a roadside park on the South East side of Palo Duro Canyon. The state park is only a small part of this huge canyon. The Prairie Dog fork of the Red River runs through this area and we drove over the river bed. There wasn't much water in it. We went late in the afternoon/evening so I could watch the sunset from the view point that most of these pictures was taken.

A few days ago there was quite a bit of rain in the area so everything turned very green very fast. It is much greener here than around my mom's house. Other than her yard and plants of course. Those pictures will follow in the next couple of days, although I have tried to write a post to go with them. I haven't had much luck on her computer, and if I don't get them posted before I go home, I won't have them. All pictures were taken with her camera and I am hoping I can get a camera of my own soon. It sucks not having a camera when I see something I would like a picture of, or a person I would like to have a picture of.

Anyway, this is a very magical place for me. I stood at the overlook, and watched the scenery change as the sun moved toward the horizon. There were two birds, I think they were eagles, but they never got close enough for me to tell for sure, catching the wind as it tunneled through the road cut in the canyon wall and riding it for all it was worth. I didn't' see either of them flap their wings a single time. There is a picture of one of them here and I had zoomed in on him as close as I could with the camera I had. If you click on it, it will be bigger, but probably not clear enough to tell for sure. I would like to think they were both eagles.

I stood, I prayed, I felt a calmness come over me and I felt a little closer to God. It isn't difficult here, it is a very beautiful place for me. I haven't shared it with anyone except family before, at least not in person. I hope you like it and if you ever get a chance to see the canyon, whether here or Palo Duro Canyon State Park, I highly recommend it. The one picture I took at dusk, I don't have the tools on this computer to lighten it, but I wanted it to show the deep red clay dirt of the canyon and the purples that show at dusk. The sunset was not a painted sunset, but it was a good one just the same.

The Pretty Place

Here is one more, just before Dusk

Movie and Book Recommendations

Garden State

Something's Gotta Give

Last of the Mohicans

that's a start, or then again you could read

The Time Traveler's Wife
A Salty Piece of Land

Monday, June 19, 2006

Big Sky Country

My view on the way home from Amarillo to my mom's. The dark spots on the ground are the shadows of the clouds. There were exceptionally pretty clouds on Saturday, so I took a pic of them too.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

There's No Place Like Home

I arrived in the middle of the night after my guardian angel kept me company on the 10 hour drive. It would have been a shorter drive except there was a 2 hour delay while some rescue people tried to help a car that had rolled over numerous times on the highway just when I was less than 2 hours from my mom's house. The time flew by as my angel on the phone kept me talking and my mind on other things.

I have taken some pictures to share, but this computer needs a new monitor, it is on it's last legs and I get drunk just typing this post or talking to Walker, so I will not attempt pictures for a few days. Until then, may your guardian angel watch over you and help you make the best choices for your life.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Today I make preparations for a journey.

A journey home.

The premise is to see my mother.

The truth is to find some peace and rejuvenate while spending some time reminiscing and visiting with my mother.

While there, I hope to:

Sit in the sun by the pond and listen to the waterfall soothe my soul.

Visit Palo Duro Canyon and hike around a bit. Perhaps ride the Sad Monkey Railroad, since I never have.

Rollerblade around WTAMU.

Walk everyday, all over town. Walk by my favorite houses that I miss seeing. (Yes, I have certain houses in town that I really like and would like to see)

Play Scrabble

Read, Read, Read

Sit out by the pond with my mother and chat, about nothing most of the time, but sometimes she tells me things about when she was young that I didn't know before.

I would love to swim, but there is no pool, I will have to come home for that.

I will see my son and spend some time with him. I hope it goes well.... we are just so different.... pray for us both, we need some healing to have a great relationship.

My preparations include washing the car, loading things to take to my mother, which includes two tables, leaving my abode ready to be empty indifinitely, and washing clothes and packing them. Have a great week everyone, I will be posting after I arrive and attaching pictures while I am there to show what is "home" to me. You might say it is barren wasteland, but there are things I miss, besides blending in as far as my intonation and accent on words is concerned.... I am not the one with an accent, you

Have a great week.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Booty Call #2

That's right folks, the handyman strikes again.

This time it was an invitation to drive to Dallas, camp out and attend Nascar Races... woo hoo...

oh yeah, that's right, you think I might like Nascar...right? Well technically I can't say I don't, since I have never been... but a hot weekend in a hot tent, with someone I have only been out with ... well, technically, ONCE... ummm I don't think so.

I kindly declined, and since I should be packing for my own journey North on Monday, I chose to use that as the reason why. Anyway, it was nice to get an invitation....

Right now my dance card is retired for awhile.... recovery time needed for my heart and head, but thanks for making me feel good.