Monday, December 26, 2005

The Surprise

Each Christmas, my mom always strives to surprise me at least with one gift I have no idea what might be. She has gotten to where she doesn't even bring it in the house til Christmas morning. (when I was a child I would peek at all my gifts ahead of time, didn't I say I don't like surprises?) Anyway, this year...
drumroll please...... ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd... it was a very nice lounge chair for sunbathing. I was delightfully surprised, and yet perplexed. lol... is this for me to use here or at home? I asked.... wherever she says.

I know the real reason she got it. I was at the beach all summer, and I know I complained about having to get up from a very low beach chair that I was sunbathing on. I have a knee that doesn't want to bend with weight on it, so I have had to learn new ways to get up off and down onto the floor, beach, low chairs, etc.

The Perfect gift to compliment my favorite past time. Thank God for mothers... they always love you and listen to you.

I didn't get much this Christmas, but the love behind the gifts from everyone who gave me something really was shining through and that means more than anything else.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

On my way home this morning, just a mere 500 mile trek, which will find me arriving sometime around 3pm hopefully. It was a short trip. I am getting ready to move and have so many things to do, I am anxious to be home. My mom appreciated not being alone at Christmas, although it didn't even feel like Christmas to either of us. I have a new CD to listen to on the way home, so that will help when there aren't any radio stations to speak of. See you there...

Saturday, December 24, 2005

New Year's Eve Poker Game Extravaganza

You are all cordially invited to my New Year's Eve Poker Game and Party. We will be having potluck munchies, BYOB libations and.... drum roll please... just for Amused Muse.... BLUE Jello shots, yes, according to AM, blue is a flavor. LMAO

Make that Blue Raspberry and Parrot Bay Jello shots. Bring your favorite holiday munching dish and your money so that I can win it all. I am told by my poker playing partner that the table will look professional, we will use chips with a buy in. Just a friendly, safe from travel on a drunken night of poker. There will be great conversation, music, a fire in the chimenea and bonding among new and old friends.

I look forward to seeing you there. (don't forget your cash, I intend to win)

The Trek Across the State

My mom lives over 500 miles away. This is the first year I have made the drive alone and will again on my way home. I have two grown sons now. AS I DROVE yesterday, I realized that not only was I driving alone for a change but that very soon I would be living alone as well. I haven't lived completely alone since I was a teenager. I believe the last time was in an apartment very similar to the one I am moving into. An upstairs\downstairs, 2 br, built around the 50's... among other things... the difference is the pool, there is a pool to go along with this one.

Another point of interest is that the drive goes much faster when alone. Suppose I had a great deal to think about. Then again, I didn't stop as often and even made a trip 30 miles out of the way to look over the house I own in Tahoka Texas. My renters are moving, and wanting their deposit check back, so I had to look it over before returning their money. It was spotless and looking as it did 4 years ago when I rented it to them. Thankfully, there was no lapse in time before the new renters move in, which will occur next week. I have been very lucky and I am glad. It is hard to rent a place over 400 miles away and know whether you got good renters or not. So, yes, I thought about this and many other things as well.

Upon arriving, my mom had potato soup ready and was baking cookies, yummy cookies. This was quite a surprise, but mainly because until this fall she has not been getting around very well. She is now making herself get out and do things. Apparently it has to do with supplemental insurance telling her they won't cover her due to her COPD, which she has had, and I believe still has, but she goes to the dr. in January and wants him to say she doesn't. I would love to say it is because she wants to be able to come see me and will fly, but after the info on the insurance the puzzle pieces all fell into place.

After soup, I layed down on her bed to watch TV (her tv room) and proceeded to take a nap without trying to. Of course I had started the big drive at 6 am and arrived at 2:30 pm. So, I suppose a good nap was in order.

Upon waking, more soup (homemade food, not passing that up) and cookies, and then discussion of a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond for some new things for my new place. You know, the boring but necessary stuff, dishrack, since I don't have a dishwasher, shower curtain, etc. So that was part of, if not all of my Christmas, as compared to the offer for new chairs to a table I have. I would love to have the chairs, but there are so many little things I feel I need more. My mom doesn't get out and shop much (see health issues above), so Christmas is very different with her these days. She does try to surprise me, since she thinks I am rarely surprised esp. by others and she thinks I need a few surprises.

What she doesn't realize is that I don't like surprises. When they are good ones they are great. Unfortunately, I think I have had more that were unpleasant that wonderful, so I am very leary of them. I cannot hide my feelings, they are written all over my face, so if it isn't something I like, it shows, and then others get their feelings hurt. However, more times than not, it is something I would rather not know/hear/find out even if it is best for me to know/hear/findout.

ex: "I'm married" or "I'm bisexual" or "I'm just not that into you" ...ok, I haven't heard that last one, but I would prefer it to the other two....

Slept all night like a baby, and now am up while mom sleeps. She sleeps in 2-3 hour spurts and is up most of the night and right now is when she sleeps the best.

The trains blowing their horns, the cold wind blowing, the dry air, the lack of anything green, and the red dirt tell me I am home. I miss the trains at times, but that is about it... the red dirt is pretty at the canyons.

Today is Christmas Eve dinner with mom. We are having duck. I can't wait. A few days rest, a great meal or 5, and some quality time with my mom. Life is good.

Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year too....

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I have the Greatest Friends

RJ gave me the best Christmas Presents. First of all, he gave me a certificate for a One- Hour Body Massage. I have been having trouble with my back, mainly stress related and he knew I would love to get a massage... what a guy.. and then... on top of that... he gave me a small pocket knife I could put on my keychain. It is great, scissors and all. Now I can feel a bit safer walking to my car, and I will have a knife handy whenever I need it. Truly pure thoughtfulness... a great guy. And the best gift of all, the other night when we had drank more than we should and I stayed at his house instead of driving home, he brought me a diet coke when I woke up... priceless... there are a few things I miss and that is one of them.

Amused Muse had me in mind when purchasing a pint jar, a quart jar, fat straws and a mix drink dictionary for me. Happy Hour at my new home daily... come on over and have a drink, a dip in the pool, or a game of cards. The jars? well, you can do your measuring on the side of the Great minds think alike...

Oralia, mentor, fellow teacher and confidant gave me a tea pitcher that you plug in and heat water in and a homemade apron for cooking in my classroom. The comforts of home... at work...

Friends are great, and I am so glad I have the ones I do.

The VFW Post

Yes, boys and girls, I was hanging out at the VFW last night... lol... well there is always a FIRST and this was certainly it.

Mr. Duvall would have been proud. He goes to one himself every once in a while.

I drank Smirnoff Ice, Raspberry of course, played Patsy Cline on the Juke Box, along with King of the Road and Jack the Knife, played a mean game of darts, made a couple of new friends, and drank so much I stayed at AM's house. It was a lovely evening.


RJ's daughter likes fancy soap from Bath and Body works, she was out of it, so I went to get her some more the other day. While I was there I was reminiscing the last gift I had from there, some wonderful vanilla and brown sugar items. I wanted something similar, just to torture myself with memories, I guess, because that is all that scent will do for me, besides make me feel wonderfully delicious.
LSS, I bought some fig and brown sugar... similar, but different enough to say "Change, it can be a good thing".

At the VFW, I used my new lotion on my hands, thinking nothing of it. A young man at least 10 years my junior walked by several times. Then, much later in the evening, he told another guy "Hey, smell her hair". I was mortified at first, then remembered that many men do comment on how good my hair smells, so I obliged. Then I realized he was referring to the scent of the lotion. So I went over and offered my hand.... for a sniff that is, and he said "yeah, that's it, what is that?" and I told him...

I know one thing boys and girls, I will be wearing that lotion anytime I go out for a long time. Perhaps it will help some new memories come along and help me forget the old ones, or at least push them out of my consciousness.


Haven't seen one of these for awhile eh?

Buy boxes... check (yes, Amused Muse talked me into it, but it looks to be a smart idea so far... good boxes to move, well packed, well marked, may not be unpacked for awhile)

Pack boxes... started, won't finish anytime soon
Clean Bathroom
Eat Pizza (it's on it's way) check
Price new furniture check (so I don't wish I had it, when I see how outrageously priced it is, but it is a beautiful mission style)
Pay bills
Change over utilities ..check
Wash Clothes 1 load done,

try to calm down (I am getting really excited about my move)

What a difference a DAY makes

My oh My was I ready for a holiday break. Today is Tuesday and it feels like Sunday, yesterday felt like Saturday... yes, I just had a double... double weekend that is.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


This is mine for today.... eerie isn't it?

Daily singles love (by some space for new love to come into your life. That may mean revamping some of your current attitudes about what love means, or even cutting off something or someone from the past. -

Chief and links

La Laquet sent me directions for making a link, so here is my first attempt. My dog, Chief is up for adoption. He is a fantastic dog and I have one very interested family and I am so glad. It is like giving your children away and I am very sad to see him go, but glad he will be well taken care of.

Woo Hoo Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week

Yes, boys and girls, Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.

Why? Why not Friday or Saturday, or even Sunday?

Because boys and girls, Wednesday means it is only two more days til the weekend... lol

And after Friday, I am free for two glorious weeks. I am going to celebrate Friday night with a night out on the town with my good friend RJ. We are going to dinner at PF Changs (they have this luscious new drink called a Poolside, it is green and very potent) and then pool playing at my favorite, least smokey bicycle club. I am excited.... plus RJ promised my own personal letter from Santa, that I can't read in front of my students (he played the big guy and answered all my student's Letters to Mr. C) .

Yes, I do still believe in Santa, and if there was a year I need to believe, it is this one.

Hoorah for Wednesday!!!


Why do we make such fools of ourselves? There is a man in my past, or rather, he should be in my past, and yet he pops up in my thoughts at the worst possible times. My bestest friend has a man she can't get over, she isn't done...she can't write the last chapter yet, it is true, it really is her problem, unfortunately, it is also my problem. I have one of those myself...

An IMPOSSIBLE situation, that I know will be no more than what it is... IN the PAST.

Unfortunately, just as my friend, I find it hard at times to NOT call, write, stalk, harrass, or blackmail. Oh wait, yes... I said stalk, harrass and/or blackmail... hmmm that must be why those people who do those things actually DO do those things...

I want to let it go
I pretend to let it go
I go for weeks/months without acting on it, and THEN

I do something stupid, I look more and more "flaky", I fuck up any chance that THAT person will ever even consider me a real friend or more ever again.

Amused Muse shared something she has done recently and I could so relate to how bad she felt and how much she regretted her actions, and she made contact with her, for lack of another word, "obsession". Yes, we are obsessed, but somehow, I don't think we are alone.

RJ and I talked about it at dinner, without mentioning names, and his thought on what it takes to get past it was the same as mine. You have to meet someone... someone who, in your eyes, is bigger than life, or at least bigger than the one that you can't let go of.

At this point, I don't know if there will ever be anyone "bigger" than life, or if I will have to just wait it out and hope that it wears off, or fades away or dies, or whatever...

What I do know is that sometimes I wish I had never known him and other times I know that for a few fantastical wonderful days, nights and meetings in the park, I had what everyone lives their entire lives to find and I should just feel lucky to have found it once.

Then again, isn't it all just in my head and no better or worse than I want to make it?

Why does it come back time and time again with such fury to take over my moods and attention span?

I don't know, but I do know it is both a curse and blessing and I face it each time with such opposing emotions.

Amused Muse had her guard down yesterday and she made some choices that I could understand and relate to, and at the same time, talking to her about it just dug up my own emotions and thoughts... so here it is, maybe if I put it down in words it will get out of my head....

why? because I want to be rid of it. I want to be rid of the things that remind me of feelings so raw and so strong that I became a complete other person, and I am not sure if it was worth it or not,

Why? Because, whether curse or blessing, it hurts just the same.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I'm So Excited (and I just can't hide it)

As of today, I have movers, I have a day to move, the 29th of December, and I have a fantastic place to move to.

Everytime another detail falls into place I get more and more excited. I drive by my new digs nearly everyday, I am so excited. I am about to call and get all utilities etc. moved over and in place and I am excited.

I have a New Year's Eve game of Poker planned and I am excited.

Now all I have to do is pack and have it all ready for when the movers show up. I also need to get this place spic and span so it will be a no brainer after moving day.

Chief (dog) needs a new home, but I think that will fall into place soon as well. We will see...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

My Pysche and Anniversarys

I think your psyche knows when an anniversary, good or bad, is approaching and it affects your mood/personality for that time period until the date is passed. Amused Muse seems to get sick on the anniversary of her marriage anniversary, even though they are divorced... her body and pysche know that it is a sad day for her, and they spin their webs to control her emotions. I have one of those working for me right now. One I didn't think I would ever feel anything about, but it must be, for I am not in the least interested in the holidays and celebrations this year, but perhaps next week, it will fade away, we will see.

So, I am either sleeping to ignore it, or I am planning out my new year resolutions, and only ones that are realistic.

Get in better shape/less in, more out
Take up reading/ stamping, anything but internet and TV, giving them up as much as I can.
Clean off my desk once a week.
Only go in Chico's when I have money to spend and they have a sale (that's a big one)

What are your resolutions?

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

My big move is coming up and as I prepare, I find it is harder than I thought it was going to be. I have to give my dog away... his pictures can be found here. I wish I knew how to make that a pretty link, but I don't. Children growing up and moving on is easier for me than finding a home for the best dog I have ever had in my life. I have bawled about it all day, and I haven't even begun to find him a home, just thinking about it makes me so sad.
That, and finding a mover, and trying to get my son to pack his stuff for when he is out of state, so I don't have to do it... all on the heels of a fit of sickness that has my voice disappearing and reappearing on a day to day basis, a hacking cough, achey body, and bitchy feelings...
Went to the dr. yesterday, gave me an antibiotic but the thing I really need he said was rest and liquids.... hmmm can they be alcoholic libations? that I could go for... oh yea, muse quit drinking so I have to support her, so I quit too... ok, so can I please just take a nap until it is all over with?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A Walking Contradiction I am

(yoda speak for old times sake)

Yes boys and girls. Today I am sick, more sick than yesterday, having lost my voice. Actually it has been dragging on for weeks now. I got better for about a week and then it came back. I may have a scratchy voice, sore throat, achy body and constant tiredness for awhile, if I live... but I digress.

During the day, I get nothing done but children and their work. Wanting to get the class Christmas tree up, I stayed after today, put it up and cleaned somewhat. Of course, that was after I had left for Tortilla Soup (mexican version of chicken soup) and returned. I finally left about 8 pm. On the way home I knew I needed to go by the dollar store. We are working on many holiday crafts and as good as my student's parents are, they haven't come up with all the supplies. I am breaking down to purchase some on my own, due to my own personal Santa providing some funds to spend on my class. As I drove, I began to think about how much better my throat felt after drinking hot soup and hot tea earlier in the day. I decide that tea will keep me up, but hot cocoa sounds really good. In the end, it is decided, in my feeble mind, that hot cocoa from Starbucks would be great. Once there, the idea of peppermint hot cocoa with whip cream is the cat's meow.... then I drive to the dollar store to be a spend what a walking contradiction. 3 bucks for hot cocoa but unwilling to spend more than a buck per supply for school.... I am sick, and it ain't physical... lol

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Little Things and Big Things

Those who know me, and know me well, KNOW that I keep a never ending list of "oh I wish I had" items going 24/7 and they are very specific things, not in general, for instance, a few of them are:

A black bullet head trashcan for my new kitchen (not just a trashcan, but a specific one)

A blender, a retro one that looks like it is from the 50's in silver (can't think of that word for metal)

A bread box (retro, of course)

Pink Flamingos for my bathroom ( I can go whole hog now that I don't have to share it with men)

it is the little things in life mean the most to me.... like

a slice of chocolate icebox pie at Tip Top Cafe

a call from Mr. Duvall, just to see how I am doing and to let me know he has been out deer watching (he isn't angry at them anymore so he doesn't shoot them, even though he has the gun with him).

a cold diet coke being served to me first thing in the morning

a chocolate shake at Cheesy Janes

a drive around to see the Christmas lights, and listening to Holiday Music

a hug from a 5 year old

a baby's smile

a call from one of my sons

a sharp repertoire of words with someone in jest

A Venti Chai Tea with good conversation

a good toast

the sun on my face

breakfast on a campfire as the sun rises

a walk along the beach

frolicking in the ocean

A stiff Parrot Bay and Diet RC with lime in a tall glass with a straw

and many more... so if I can have any of these for Christmas, they are probably more valuable to me than the things on the Big list.


Life is not simply a series of meaningless acts or coincidences, but rather it is tapestry of an exquisite, divine plan. If we are to live life in harmony with the universe we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call fate and what we currently refer to as destiny.

I could use a little more faith, I need some harmony.

(I didn't write it, but I like what it says)

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Alex Trex, Where are YOU?

It is already December, it is nearly the end of the year. The goal I had for the end of the year is not going to materialize. So, Alex, thanks for the good wishes (months ago) on my goal, but it is, alas, not going to be reached.... even though many other things I didn't plan on have come to fruition. If, by my birthday, things have not changed, I believe a new plan is needed... if not sooner. I miss you my friend, I hope all is going your way as it seems.

Friday, December 02, 2005


The Christmas Lights in Johnson City at the local Electric Coop are amazing. An entire city block of trees around their offices that are completely covered in trees. I drive through there every year and some years travel back just to see the lights. This year, we came home from my mom's before dark, so I haven't seen them yet this year. A short trek to view this wondrous wonder will take place in a week or so, as I try to convince Amused Muse and/or RJ to join me. JD and I had plans to go last night, but life happens and it didn't turn out that way, and tomorrow he is on his way back to Afghanistan. So, in the meantime, here are some pictures from years past, even though they don't do them justice, it is magical and romantic....

My traditions are changing, but they are just as memorable. The Johnson City lights, poker games on New Years, dancing on my birthday, days on the beach as often as I can get there, and duck with oyster dressing on Thanksgiving (esp. with orange sauce, my oh my it was good). What traditions do you cherish?