Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Beginnings

Most, if not all
of the blogs I have read
in the last few days
which are about a dozen
state what a bad year '08
was for them

so I started taking stock
of how my year was
It was a difficult year for me
as well
but some very good things
came of it

First the bad stuff
my mom was terribly ill
last spring
and as a result
now has three stents in her heart

I gained more weight
than I have in my life
except for pregnancies

Deaths of family members
of friends and co-workers
really started to shake my resolve
and make the reality of losing my mom
in the future (hopefully distant)
very much a reality

I lost a friend
or so I thought
(by that I mean, I thought
she was a friend, when in fact
she may not have been, actually)

My choices in men
to date were dismal
and I made some
terrible errors in judgement

and now for the good stuff
that occurred in '08

My youngest son
finally started turning his life
and although he struggles
he is doing it on his own

My mom and I are
as always
getting along swimmingly
but now with no
heavy handed guilt
being laid down
by her
or taken by me
and it is so much more pleasant
to spend time with her

I only have Mr. Duvall
in my life
as far as a man goes
sure there are some
cameo appearances
by those who shall not be named

but for the most part
Mr. Duvall covers all the bases
in an afternoon
or evening
and for now
I am content

I have made changes
that I feel really good about
in my life
small changes
but ones I like

I stopped watching tv
oh not all together
but am spending
much less time in front
of the tv and doing
nothing else

If I do watch
it is usually
a Netflix movie of my choosing
the news in the morning
or happen chance of what is on
which isn't a big selection
since I gave up all channels
except the first 20 or so
which is plenty
believe me

My job is still stressful
and unpredictable
but is much more pleasant

My new home is beautiful
and pleasant
and great for entertaining
so I am thoroughly
enjoying it
and the decorating of it
has been a blast



I will strive
in '09
to be the best "me"
I can be
physically, emotionally
and spiritually
for myself
and those around me
that is my mantra,
mission statement,
and will be posted
at the top of my blog
starting today

Happy New Year Everyone
May everything be fine
in 2009

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Adieu, Adieu, To You and You and You

I was flipping channels
looking for something to watch
whilst doing the dishes
to pass the time more pleasantly
and I found
The Sound of Music on
at just the place
where the weather is stormy
and the children all come into
the bedroom
and Julie Andrews starts singing
A Few of my favorite things

This year
I have found out
what a few of my favorite things are

and I won't even pretend that they rhyme
for they won't
they are simply off the top of my head

A man in my bed who is happy to be there

A fire in my fireplace and friends to share it with

Sitting in the big chair sipping coffee
and reading the paper

Playing games, whether darts,
or a silly word game with friends
and laughing

dancing on my hard wood floors
alone or with a great two stepper

Walking down the beach until
I have no idea how far I have walked
and have lost track of time

Brainstorming new ideas
based on a topic
with the muse (Adieu)

Decorating my condo
to feel like home
and lived in (finally)

Writing and reading
great blogs

Having friends and family
come over to my place
to hang out

making someone else's day brighter
with the little things in life
that seem so insignificant

starting a great conversation
with a complete stranger

spending time with a man
who makes me feel so special
each and everytime I am with him

Working out until I am exhausted

Sitting in the sun in the dead of winter
hoping for spring
but thankful for the sunshine

Adieu to 2008,
I wish for each of you
a journey that helps you find
your favorite things
in 2009
Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

What are Friends For?

I have lost a friend
one I was hoping to hold onto
and for reasons
I don't fully comprehend

oh I know
what made her mad
but I honestly didn't think
it was worth the cost
of the entire friendship

and she,
she didn't ask me
she took what others told her
and made assumptions

Then she attacked

of course I am not without blame
I did something to hurt her feelings
but not as
cruelly and intentionally
as she assumed

what is funny
is that I don't want to hurt her
and I thought I would be really upset
with the loss
of a friendship that has spanned
over 3 years

we talked everyday
we shared intimate details
of our lives
I thought we had each other's back
and I have since found
she did not have mine

not to worry
I am not angry
I am simply


and we talked multiple times a day
and it has now been over a week
during the holidays
which are sometimes hard for her
and for me as well
and I have been
perfectly ok
with not talking to her
or anyone for that matter

the thoughts of
...oh I should call her and tell her "blah blah blah"
no matter what it is
didn't even subside
because I haven't even had those thoughts
which is really
really sad

so ... I have been asking myself
what was our friendship for
if it was to end so abruptly
and for something I see as minor
and forgivable
on both our parts
if I do not miss it

I think I do not miss the drama
although I drew it out of her
each time we talked

I do not miss the snide asides
she seemingly was unaware
she stabbed me with often

I do not miss
walking on eggshells
for many reasons

and I do not miss
trying to be the
"everything friend"

although I know
I create those roles for myself
and am drawn to them
like a moth to flame

so .... are friends in your life
for different reasons
and as some state

I talked to someone
who says he has all the friends
he has ever had
unless they died
even though they may not talk
or stay in touch
he still considers them all friends

so I told him the long
sordid details
as I recall them
and he says

well then,
either you speak to her
or she speaks to you
or you choose not to

If I did speak to her
here is what I would say

I am sorry you were hurt
it was not my intention
nor do I think the cost of our friendship
appropriate for the deed
you so mistakenly understood
I committed
I wish you well
I will bother you not

If you choose to contact me
I am not angry
I am simply

Outsourced to India

Recently a call was made
to cancel cable
due to incompetent service
and a call was made
to hook up with my cell phone provider
so that all could be in one place
and service would be comparable
and yet,
much cheaper....

all was well in Bennu Land

the internet was actually faster
the home phone - a new number
the bill - exceptionally lower
basic cable channels
more than enough to watch
as I wean myself off TV watching

Netflix provides a great distraction
when one is needed
and still
all is cheaper than before

Saturday night
I had a great party
with an intimate gathering
of about a dozen people
and afterwards
I had a great story to blog
and so I fire up
the laptop
and start typing
in the middle of it
I lost the internet connection
with my wireless router
and it could not be restored
I talked to the service provider
and after 2 + hours
around the witching hour
I am told
it is the software
on my computer
and not my router or service
and am provided phone numbers

so I go to sleep
wake up Sunday
late for me, after 10 am
and pick up my home phone
which is cordless
and dial the company
I bought the computer from
and am on hold
waiting for a wireless representative
and then

then my phone goes dead
the battery ran down
from being on hold for
over an hour

so I gave up for the day
and took the automated voice
and called back today after 6 am
after being on hold
for more than an hour
I finally was connected to
a very nice man
who was obviously in India
but his accent was not so thick
that I could not understand him

He walked me through several steps
only to find that I needed to reimage
my computer
which we did
and now I am once again connected

my only thought
other than hating being outsourced to India
and how well I was treated by
a complete stranger
that I spent over 2 hours
on the phone with
after the 70 minutes on hold

my only thought
if they can get people in India
to work so much cheaper
that is no
Fucking reason
anyone should have to be
ON HOLD for over an hour
hire more of them
they aren't celebrating Christmas

but I have to say
he was nicer than most
and even made a point to say
he would check again tomorrow to see
if I was still
to the world

It is amazing all the things
you think you will look up
only to remember you can't...

other than that
the weekend was great
and I may post more
in reference to that
hell, now I can't remember
what I was going to blog about
in regards to the party
I am just happy to be
at the moment...
have a great day!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Very New Merry Christmas Eve

My mom and I
decided at Thanksgiving
that I would stay at my house
and she would stay at hers

It was the first Thanksgiving
that was just her and me
and Christmas would be the same
if I had traveled there

My youngest son
spent Thanksgiving alone
and so I felt
I should make Christmas
and the festivities of the holiday season
come alive at my house

Really wanted my mom here
but her health and stubborn-ness
kept her from the trek over the river
and through the woods

Tonight she said it was
the quietest Christmas Eve
she could remember
and tomorrow
she is going to her mother's house
for the first time since I was very little
so many many years

so I feel better that she will be with her mom
and my son will be with his

Today was a glorious Christmas Eve
We drove around after I picked Goober up
and passed out party invitations
for the Mid Holiday's Eve Party
this Saturday
and then we spent hours
making tamales at a friend's house
and then
after making them
we ate them
they were great

Much to my surprise
we were able to bring 4 dozen of them
all different flavors
home to cook and eat at the party

Goober wants to have
Seafood Boil for Christmas dinner
so we stopped by the store
and bought a few groceries
and I gave him 20 bucks
and told him to surprise me
since I didn't know
what Santa would or wouldn't bring

He walked out of the store
with a beautiful Christmas bouquet
of Purple and Green Flowers
perfect for my home
and he knew it

We drove home
and unloaded the groceries
about the time
we shut the door
and locked ourselves in
for the evening
the next door neighbor
rang the door bell

Bennu, oh Bennu
you have two packages
at my house...

What? I ordered a new phone
yesterday morning
but didn't dare think it would be here
but it was
a beautiful pink phone
to put in my stocking
from the only Santa I know
or so I thought

The other box was from
Harry and David
You know, the goody boys
and I opened it
and a beautiful box
of yummy treats
and a card that said
someone had ordered them for me
as a gift
and the name was on the outside
of the main box
well, yes
There is a Santa Claus
and he sent me a beautiful box
of great goodies
that made me smile
and ever so happy
that someone was so thoughtful
and wonderful
during a very trying holiday
without my mother here
and without me there

Thank you
and whether you believe or not
God Bless you
A and L
I hope you have a very Merry Christmas
and since you have my address
the party is Saturday night
anytime after 4:30 pm
hope to see you here
but if not
your yummy goodies
will be on the table of goodies to share

Goober and I are sipping divine coffee
watching a movie
and enjoying being with family
I hope you are doing the same

Remember the Christmas Spirit
is the most important gift you have
to give

Happy Holidays

Monday, December 22, 2008

Long List

Having some days off...

the number of which is debatable
since I don't count the eves
or the actual holidays
so I say
I have 6 days off
it just happens
that with weekends
and holidays
it adds up to two weeks
but I digress.

I decide to get some chores done
some much needed chores
and this afternoon
I sit
feeling guilty
for not getting more done today
and then I think about
what I did get done

I set up my dsl internet
46 minutes on the phone
with technical support
but hey, now it is done
and it is faster than the cable
that I was using...
woo hoo

set up new phone service
24 minutes on the phone
with technical support
which was a waste
I figured it out on my own

20 minutes taking down
the cable modem
setting up a tv in the living room
getting the cable hooked up to it
for basic cable
and plugging in the tv
now I can watch while I do the dishes
or at least listen

Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen
I guess if you add up all the time
it doesn't add up to that much
but when you look at the list
and add to it
that I heated up lunch and ate it
dug through a big stack of mail
and threw most of it away
and am not about to shower
and go out for the evening
I got more done today
than if all I did was eat bon bons
and sit on the couch
or lay on the bed..

Now I am going to wrap a gift
and get ready for my evening

have a good one
stay warm if it is cold where you are

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Presents

Man, it is dark in here
nd there is so much room
to move around
I hope no one picks me up
I mean
that lady
she sure liked me when she bought me
and she was very clever
she put me in this
long tube

but that girl,
Bennu I think I heard one of the boys call her
she really likes peeking at her presents
I think she is overly curious
and excited
about Christmas in general
but her presents especially

she keeps talking about how much she wants
a twirling baton
and how she thinks the girls that twirl
with the highschool band
are so pretty and talented
and she wants to be just like them
Her brothers tease her unmercifully

I would love to slide out of this tunnel-like
container and Whomp one of them
upside the head
but that would seem pretty weird to them I bet

the saleslady at the store told Bennu's mom
that I am really sought after by little girls
Bennu's age
so I am really looking forward to helping Bennu
to be whatever she wants to be
and protecting her

I have only been under this tree
a day or so
and I still can't remember how long
it is until Christmas morning
and we are all
sprung from our confines
and back out into the world

Man, I hope she likes me
and I get to go outside often
with Bennu
to school
to a game
wherever she wants to take me

oh sshhhhhhhhhhhhh
(in a whisper)
there she is again, sitting by me
looking at her other gifts
and carefully un-taping them
and peeking at what her parents bought her
oh oh
she is picking me up
she is looking at the ends of the tube
oh it sounds like she is peeling the tape off
I can see light
and she is looking in
she doesn't look happy
she looks very disappointed
she didn't even pull me out of the tube

her mom thought she would just love me
that is what she told the saleslady

Now it is dark again
she taped the end cover back down
and set me down in a hurry
I think I heard her mumbling
something about me
I am not sure what she said
but I do know I heard
my name
Mickey Mouse Umbrella
in what she mumbled

I hope she likes me anyway
even though I am not a baton
and she was mumbling something
about really wanting a baton
and not getting it...

maybe on Christmas morning
she will be happier
to see me

right now I think I will sleep
all this excitement has made me tired


yawn... finally!
it is finally Christmas morning
I heard the adults putting more gifts
under the tree
it woke me up
but I am still the most unusual package
every thing else is in a box
or sitting out
for all to see

oh and there is Bennu
holding me up
and shaking me

now she is telling them
how she wonders what I am
why would she do that?
she already knows what I am
now she is taking
the end of the tube off
and taking me out
she is smiling
and she is thanking them
over and over
and telling them
she loves me
she really loves me
she opens me up
to full size and stands up
holding me over her head
looking through my clear skin
and commenting on the
pictures around the edges
of Mickey and Minnie
and the other characters
that hurts
she isn't very good at closing me
but that will come with time.
I am glad she set me down
now I can rest from all the excitement
and watch her open everything else.

Funny, I heard her talking
constantly proclaiming how she
really wanted
a baton
for Christmas
but I never saw her open one...
oh well
at least when it rains
she will take me with her
wherever she goes
and we will have a great time together.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Ideal or Real? That is the question

The fabulously full moon
lit up the chilly winter night

It smiled down at me
as I sat in the big lounge chair

mind wandering
heart hurting

wishing upon a star
and wondering
where you are

you? you know
the man that is to love me
all of me

each part of me
equally and with vigor

recently met a new prospect
who was so clever in email
with wit and humor
to match few I have ever known
and a body that won't quit
his only admission of a set back
was that he is
folicularly challenged

no hair to run my fingers through?
hmmmm well

that isn't a deal breaker
so just a few minor points
will be deducted...

then his "system" of weeding
out the women
was revealed
a 4 point system
where you receive all
or none of the point

It is there
or it isn't
You are acceptable
emotionally (and/or)


as my system is a 100 pt scale
where you are scored
to the degree you are
folicullarly challenged
and if you are above 80 pts.
well, you are a catch to be sure

so tonight as the beautiful moon
and the crisp clean air
envelope me into the night
I contemplated what bothered me more

that in his eyes,
I did not "measure" up
and out of the 4 pts he awards
I am only half of his
Ideal woman

that I am angry
at myself
for letting a guy
make me feel "less" than I am
yes I said that right

You see
I don't want to be someone's
I want to be someone's
someone who will love me
no matter what my challenges are
and that I KNOW
I will love no matter what his
challenges are
someone I can love for who he is
not who I want him to be
who loves me for who I AM
NOT for who he wants ME TO BE

and then the chill creeps in
I smile at the moon
the moon smiles at me

then as clearly as the moon
sails through the sky
I realize

I like being me
and when the man
who is meant to love me
comes along
he won't have a 4 point scale
he measures his women by
and he may not make 80 %
of my scale
we will measure each other
with our hearts
and life will balance out

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Deck The Halls

The tree is standing tall
and looking good
in the living room
of my new abode
to stay with my themed decor
a beachy tree
it will be
with turquoise and purple
with silver and white
and brand new lights

The decking is tomorrow
and I am looking forward to it
brewing hot toddies and sipping them
playing and singing Christmas Hymns
wrapping the lights
around and around
hanging the ornaments
in all the right spots

yes, I am looking forward to it
and can't wait til tomorrow

Monday, December 08, 2008

Merry Merry Merry

I have been in the spirit
the holiday spirit

the Christmas SPIRIT
since before Thanksgiving

I can't wait to see the lights
I squeal with delight
as my neighbors decorate
their patios
and doors
with colorful lights

I arrived home from a date
unable to sleep
chose to drive around
and look for the brightest spots
in my old neighborhood
the big blue tree
was not shining bright
but the street that never disappoints
was beautiful and
oh so SHINY
and I surely needed
ooooooooooo shiny

Unpacking one box
on Sunday
when I was needing
a huge music fix
and my cd's
from the tall stand
not the car
were still in a box
I found
my Christmas music
and much more
then I put in
one of them
and had a great
Christmas Music
I mean

so, in this frenzy
of holiday spirit
I did find a great
and brought it home
and set it up
all on my own
on Thursday night
and here it is
and I haven't even
dug out my
and other decorations
but tomorrow
tomorrow is the day
for decorating
so tonight
I met the muse
at Home Depot
and helped her get
her Christmas tree
carried it home
on top of my vehicle
to her home
unloaded it
and helped her
get it in the house
after putting it
in the stand...

so go out
and sing along
the Little Drummer Boy
or enjoy gazing
into the lights
or help a friend in need...

whatever you do
enjoy it
this holiday season...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

To Every Thing There is a Season

Happy Thanksgiving
to you and yours
I hope it is truly a great
Season of Thanks

I am very thankful
I am thankful for the peace
the peace that has reached me
and helped me enjoy
a holiday that was just
between me and my

I am thankful for two thoughtful sons
even though they aren't with me today
they did think to call
all by themselves
and say Happy Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my mother
and the fact that she is still here
with me on earth
and we have some of the most
meaningful conversations
that we have ever had

I am thankful for the close friends
that choose to be a part of my life
and allow me to be a part of theirs
they spice up my day

I am thankful for a man
even though he is limited
in the time he can spend with me
he is a great man
who has treated me well

perhaps a great love in life
isn't meant to be 24/7
but the one that lifts you
loves you and holds you closely
in their heart
when not in their arms

I am thankful for a cozy home
that makes me proud to entertain
and have friends over for a dinner
a drink, or just a great conversation

I am thankful for the life I have
in a time of a poor economy
I am self-sufficient
and struggling to a degree
to keep my head above water
but at the same time
I have no credit card debt
I have only one payment a month
that is my car payment
of sorts
and I do have savings
and this year
for the first time
I will also have some investments
I am thankful for
being in a better place
personally, family wise,
emotionally, and financially
than I have ever been in my life.

My hope is that you are as well.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Un-illusioned and Non-illusioned

Those are my two
NEW words
for the day
I believe I invented them
just in case
you have a dictionary
with them in it
please don't
shatter my "illusion"
of being a wordsmith
but rather
allow me to continue
to believe
that I was the first
to not understand
why neither of them
showed up in any dictionary
that I have
and I have several.

But, you know
the mother of invention
is necessity
and I needed those words yesterday
to describe how I feel.

You see
I was contemplating
how things seem so good
and are going well
when you meet someone
of interest
with no ICK factor present
and then they just go

and it is difficult for me
to let things go
when I do not have
adequate closure for me
even when I want to let them go
they sneak back into my head
while I am idle
even for a moment
so again, the term

idle hands are the devil's workshop

is true as well.
So, I try to find a way
to discover as much as I can
about what happened
or what the guy was thinking
that made him act the way he did
in the beginning
and in the end.

After some internet sleuthing
I found
that some of the things
I was told by him
may have been, at best,
partially true.
A few of his responses
to questions, were most probably
untruthful (see the "un" works there)
to hide the truth or true personae
and my grand illusion
of this
well put together,
fiery in a very sexy way,
potential best friend
and lover,
went "POOF"
and there standing before me
was the epitome
of the high school jock

come on
you all know the guy
he was put on the team's shoulders
at a young age
people treated him like he was God
and the girls swooned over him
to the point he never had a second to himself
and the pretty girl
who hid behind her glasses
and wasn't a cheerleader
or a twirler,
even though she wanted to be,
watched him from afar
never quite able to get the nerve
to speak to him
his friends all called her names
and laughed at her
and to the FB player
she thought she was invisible
and then,
highschool was over
and the big man on the team
thought he should still be treated well
by everyone and the girls should still swoon
and he could be "the big man" still
but little by little it went away
his "karma" from his football days
and the only one still willing
to pay attention to the shell of a man
who thought he was bigger than life
was the four-eyed beauty
who still saw his guns shining in the sun
and his strong legs running down the field
and so long ago couldn't see her,
or her hidden beauty...

but the charm
and the ways he chooses to exercise it
to get what he wants
not to give what others need
was ever so
UNattractive (see it works there too)

and *POOF*

instead of the handsome prince
on the white steed

before me stood
(in my mind of course,
because he doesn't even have
the balls to call, much less stand up to me)
was the man
who never grew out of his boyish ways

and *POOF*

I was unillusioned
and sad, because I really liked
the guy I met who seemed like
a true gentleman and scholar
among a sea of dregs and deadbeats
just looking to get lucky

but once again, I was proven wrong.

*I could have used disillusioned, but
I didn't like the connotation of dis
I liked un or non better

I don't like dis (say it like a 5 year old)

and yes,
I do prefer the illusion
I think that gentlemen and scholars
are still out there
and I am putting out the good thought
to find one.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The "ICK" Factor

Have I told you?

Have I told you lately?

I just know I have
told you that I absofuckinglutely

and today
is the reason why

no! not because of my
absolutely fantabulouso
afternoon in Tres Rios
with Mr. Duvall
but because I drove home
from that wonderful
encounter of the close kind
to have dinner
with a man
I had a coffee date
with earlier in the week

I tried to follow new leads
given by another
and picked
an inexpensive
burger joint with character
and I have to say
that after I related my evening
to the muse
she asked
"Well, how was your burger?"

and I replied
with a laugh
"The food was great, thank goodness!"

"and that is what you hold onto."
she retorted

so let's start
with the "ICK" factor
things that make you
create this
shoulder shuddering
neck waggling
while your vocal chords
wail out
and if you can't make that
really long and low
and you will have an idea

first of all
yes, I found him through
the method of cl
and after posing a question
that he answered in wonderful
and intriguing prose
he won the chance at coffee
but alas
I have been asked many times
by men I have met
if I have ever had a bad experience
and usually I say

not really

but I guess the really bad ones
seem to skip my mind
because I choose
not to dwell on it

but tonight
and actually the first night
were really bad ones

the picture he shared
was taken in front
of a castle in Ireland
he has strawberry blond hair
fairly thin
and nice looking
great smile

but the man
waiting outside
the Starbucks
was at least 50 lbs heavier

and I think
well, I could lose a few
so I shouldn't be a weight snob

but then,
he acts as if he looks
just like his pic
and he doesn't have much to say
and then the discussion
moves on
to his ex

why do they always think
I want to know what happened
with their ex's?
WTF is that about

and then it went to
his kids
and how he is trying
to teach his son
how to be good to women
and treat them well
and I wonder
as I sit there

is that what is wrong
with men?
their inept fathers
taught them
everything they know?
I mean
there are a few
who aren't inept
but not many!!!

so I cut it short
feigning exhaustion
and make my escape
as quickly as I can
and without being rude
I make sure I give him
a great hug
and thank him for the coffee

and he asks for dinner
and I ask him
if Sunday night is ok
and of course
I didn't know
I would be driving south
for the afternoon at that time
but didn't want to commit
to a long evening
on Friday
or Saturday
if it didn't go any better
than the first conversation
which was a disaster
making me want to scream
and run away

and he was good with that

and tonight

well, he was late
not 5, not 10 but 15 minutes late
the conversation was a struggle
til he got on a roll
he isn't a hunter
he can't understand
shooting a deer
you see, they come up in his yard
and he sees them as pets
and smarter
than cows,
so he can see shooting cows
as sport
but not deer

but then again
when he was a kid
and gathered the eggs
the family chickens layed
he couldn't stand to eat them
or even fish he had caught
cleaned and fillet'd
because he had seen them
looked them in the eye
before he killed them

and not that I hunt
but come on...

I like eggs, deer sausage
and fish

and then I wondered
how could he eat that burger
and then I remember
oh yeah
we could hunt cows
he didn't even say cattle
but the big thing
that meant a great deal to me
was when our order was ready
and we should go
and pick it up at the counter
he sat on his fat ass
and I got up and got it
and I stood there
and got honey mustard
and napkins
and silverware
he SAT

so I took the food,
condiments, and my
happy self
back to the table

and smilingly
served him
his burger
and me

I know
a small thing
but those are the things
that I do notice
the most.

Then the dog conversation
of his peekipoo
and how his ex
got the lab
and it was the best fit...


and then
the questioning
of dates
and school policies
and education
and math education
and judging me
based on the highest
level I have taught

I was offended
so the time finally came
and I said
I needed to get home
and excused myself
from the table
and he followed
and even to my car
but then he stopped
at the front of the car
and I just kept walking
and got in
and said I would talk to him soon


but I will be nice enough to tell him
on the PHONE
that there was no chemistry
and wish him the best of luck

and besides
as The Muse said
"He wasn't rugged"
definitely not
esp. not enough for me

and once again
I return to the drawing board
and the process
that I abhor
that the one
that should be in my life
will be drawn to me

I just hope it is sooner
than later

the process is so depressing!!!
and I am thinking I will
do as I did last time
and just abstain

as to avoid
ICK Factor

Friday, November 21, 2008

Feeling Stalked

Months ago
things with Tater ended
and I agreed
against my better judgement
to be a friend
and stay in touch
Muse does that
In fact
some of the men
that we say hello
and raise a glass or bottle with
at our local V
are men she has dated
or known many many years
even since puberty
and they are still friends
or at least
so if she can do that
I can too,
or so I thought.

I had agreed to be a friend
only to have it
bite me in the ass
when he wouldn't take
friendship as a boundary

so I had to say I wanted
to do with him

and now
I have my school boxes
and there are no more
to even remotely bind
our lives together

so there is no reason
for him to contact me
but he does
and I have given written warnings
that I will get a restraining order
and he still
and writes emails
and I state it again
so he writes to the Muse
and I say it again
and he writes to me
days later

and I choose to ignore it
and today
this morning
right after talking
to Mr. Duvall
only to hear
that this weekend
he can't come to see me
my phone rings
and I think it is a parent
because I am on my way to school
and sometimes they call
to let me know a child will be absent
so I answer it

and it is Tater
asking me to not hang up
and listen
and instead of saying
I won't talk to him
I said
I can't
and then I apologized
and I hung up

so then I spent the rest of the drive
why did I apologize?
Why didn't I say
NO, leave me alone
why was I polite

probably because
I know how it feels
to want to talk to someone
to have them really listen
and to be able to say things
with your voice
through your vocal chords
and see their eyes
as you say it
and for them to NOT

so I am empathetic

and I am also
to the feeling of
wishing someone would leave
me alone
so I don't want to give
anyone the feeling
I am experiencing
and yet,
I feel a real need to talk
to the one who will not listen

I am resisting it
with all my might

This week I have had 3 dates
One was ok
he was very polite
and there could be a friendship there
but I see nothing further
than that
not enough in common
no sparks for sure

the second was
a disaster
no explanation to give
we knew instantly
and it was short
and over with quickly

and the third
the most promising
through email
was a great disappointment

and I drove home feeling sad
that great chemistry
for me
happens rarely
and the last time it did
just recently
I messed it up
without wanting to
but from being overly anxious
and excited
and who knows what else...
but then I think
maybe it wasn't me
who messed it up
after all
there were two of us
perhaps he messed it up
maybe he wasn't ready
I don't know
and I never will
and so
Friday night
I am home
which is dangerous
about how
that feeling
on a cold night
was here
to spoon with
and laugh
and play
and take away
the chill

sneaks in
when I wish I could
just enjoy my nice home
and be ok
doing my own thing
the cold feelings
sneaking up on me

this too will pass
and the feeling
that someone wants to talk
and yet,
I cannot
and keep my own sanity
because I cannot give him
what he wants
in any way shape or form

knowing that

I want to understand
that others may feel the same
and I should let it go
and look forward
to the next time
great chemistry presents itself
and hope
it goes better. ...
in the long run

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Twice in Two Weeks

Mr. Duvall has come to see me

not once

but twice

in the span of 15 days

he went on and on

about how great

my new place is

and how happy

I should be each day

when I come home

and I am

I put up all the boxes

that tater dropped

on my door step

and actually even

had the patio rearranged

and looking good

for his arrival.

The full moon

lightly covered by

puffy white clouds

shining down on us

as we sat in the big chair


and playing a little more


that I thought possible in

that chair

as we laughed and I

tried to breathe in

and hold the moment

as long as I could..

just as I did this morning

as we made love

after he woke me up

in my favorite way

and we held each other

as the morning became brighter

so for twice

in two weeks

I have had my favorite man

in my bed

and it is wonderful.

Now, I am trying to decide
with my heart open to love
if it could be with the man
that is a great love of mine
after all
we respect each other
we know our boundaries
and we do not cross them
we care about each other
and take care of each other
when in each other's company
he has never failed to treat me
better than anyone else ever has.

Friday, November 07, 2008

My Heart is Open to Love

You know
that can be read
many different ways
depending on the inflection
you inflict

but it is true
and I have a necklace
with an open heart
that states it

tonight I sit in a motel room
hundreds of miles
away from home
exhausted from a day
of listening and learning
at a three day conference
with one day left
before I head home

A week has passed
since my great halloween date
and I am missing
my new compadre tonight
wishing to hear the familiar
ring of the cell phone
or see an email notification
to know he
is missing me as well
I refuse to call
because I know all too well
that feeling
of receiving a call
or email
or text message
from someone that seems
much too eager to talk to me
when i am not as eager to talk
to them
so I refuse to call
and I have been
since last Sunday

so I resist the temptation
by distracting myself
with other emails
phone calls
and surfing the net
for info related to the conference

As hunger set in
after a long tiring day
I walked over to the nearest
a mexican food place
that is not as good as 99%
of the ones in the Alamo City
and I am seated at a table
in between two large party tables
and backed up against a wall

At first I don't pay much attention
to the people around me
but as I settle in
voices float around me
and conversations begin to filter
into my head

In front of me, a woman
short, blond and a big talker
looking at the man to her right
as she was attempting to make a point
and make eye contact with him
He, on the other hand,
was looking at the brunette woman to his right
and even though
he didn't look at the blond
you could tell he was listening

My eyes continued to be transfixed
on him as curiousity washed over me
as to which woman he was with
so discreetly as could be
I studied the dynamics of the table
in front of me

there were two men and two women
so there were two couples
the blond was obviously
upset that the man to her right
that had on a fishing tshirt
was not looking at her
as she spoke

the brunette
talked intermittantly
and all eyes were on her as she spoke
the fishing man
was obviously with her
for as she spoke
he looked at her
with eyes of adoration
it was obvious,
there was some serious
lovin' going on
He hung on every word
she said
and her body language

Sparkling eyes
small smirky, but yet sexy smile
his love and admiration
could not be mistaken
and was so refreshing to see
I cannot remember
the last time I saw a man
look at someone so sincerely
and with such love
The fourth man

at the table
was non descript
and the blonde woman
was obviously well aware
of the dynamics
of the relationships and feelings
at the table

She was coveting
what the brunette had
and trying to compensate
for the envy she felt
to no avail

it was all my interpretation
but it was plainly in view

my main interest
and what really struck me
with great awe

was a man showing his love
all over his face
as plainly as could be
in the company of others

I was envious as well
so I touched my open heart
that hangs around my neck
and thought the good thought

My man will do the same
when I find him
or he finds me

Walking back to the motel
the disappointment of the food
passed through my mind
but a smile found itself
on my face
as the revelation
that the food was disappointing
but the view was not
it was uplifting, promising
and left me with hope and joy

You never know what you might find
regardless of why you are there

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Men Behaving Badly

After a long and exciting week
and a great date on Halloween
my mind pondered whether I should
get up very early Saturday
and join RJ and family
on a 5K run
for a good cause
I decide I should
it would do me good
and I could come home afterwards
and sleep.

So I set my alarm
and I look at the picture of the big game hunter
and I call to see if he is home yet
and he is on his way
but not there yet
he says he will call on Saturday
which creates a smile on my face
and his
so we say goodnight,
I roll over and fall asleep
a little while later
I wake up and look at the clock
6:45 glares back at me
WHAT? the alarm was set for 6
the race starts at 8 across town
so picking up the phone and dialing RJ
"Have you left yet?" I ponder
when he answers
"No, we are right now" he retorts
"Where are you?"

I respond with
"My alarm didn't go off,
and I just woke up. So, do you think
I should get up and rush over there
or just go back to sleep?"

"Go back to sleep, you don't have time
to get there before it starts. By the way
how was your date last night?"

A huge grin finds its way on my face
"Great! Just Great!"

"Well go back to sleep, you can tell me
all about it later..."
as I set the phone down
on the bedside table
I decide to roll over
and doze a while...
A little while later
I slowly wake up
and glance over at the clock
while my mind thinks about all
I have to do today
an afternoon with a friend
at the Day of the Dead celebration
a ball game to watch tonight
school papers to grade
plans to write
and the clock glares at me 8:07
rolling out of bed
grabbing my robe
feet shuffling toward the kitchen
pouring the last
of the Mocha Java
into the filter
and pouring the water
into the reservoir
thoughts of my previous evening
enter my mind
he sensed I wasn't trusting
he asked me to trust him
and we practiced a trust exercise
and he was trustworthy
he asked about why
I would not distrust him
and I explained
that previous encounters
had formed behaviors
that are hard to break.
He was very understanding
While the coffee was brewing
I retrieved the newspaper from
the front porch
and a blanket from the bedroom
having poured my first cup of coffee
I retreated to the patio
sitting in the big chair
and situated myself under the cover
ready to enjoy both the
Friday daily paper
and the Saturday daily paper
and my cell phone rings
focusing on the display
finding it is not a number I know
but it is local
I wonder if it is a parent of a child
so I answer
it is TATER
pushing me
to take him back
to give us a try
and I try
politely to explain
that I am not willing to turn back
and give the relationship another try
and he asks why
and I don't want to say
so I just say I can't
and he continues to push the matter
for 35 MINUTES
until I have had enough
so I tell him that I have to go
that I was trying to read the paper
and enjoy my morning
and I have now been talking to him
for over 35 minutes
and he says goodbye abruptly and hangs up
relief flows over me
I sit and regain my composure
and ponder the papers
wishing I had read Fridays before
my date on Friday
upon finding my coffee cold
and nearly gone,
I return to the kitchen and
pour another cup
and about 40 minutes later
I decide it is time to get ready
for my lunch with a friend
so I walk in
she calls
we make a plan to meet at 11
and shop at the Farmer's Market
together, eat lunch
and then I am going to the
Day of the Dead celebration alone
she has a paper to write for her masters program
as I hang up the phone
I hear some clattering sounds
out the front window
so I look out
and what do I see
unloading boxes
and stacking them outside my condo
He was storing my school boxes and
some other items from when I moved
that I didn't have room for at the time
and even though we had quit seeing each other
he promised he would keep them for me
til the new year
and not ever leave them sitting outside
apparently he didn't like my decision
and chose to deliver them to me
I walked outside
and he wouldn't speak
so I started bringing boxes in
I thought I had retrieved them all
and stopped and returned
to get ready for lunch
and here he comes again
this time he carried things inside too
and I so did not want him in the house
but I didn't want to make a scene either
so I dressed for my lunch
made sure no boxes were behind my vehicle
and told him that if there were more
to put them in my parking place,
and I left.
While at lunch, he called
and I didn't answer
I had a minute before I went home
and I listened to the voicemail
long and lengthy
but basically
he didn't want to leave things out
while I wasn't home
so he packed them all up
in his van
and would return later in the day
or sunday
he didn't return Saturday
because I said I wouldn't be home
he did bring them Sunday
and I was working to put away
the ones from the day before
He rang the bell
I walked to the door
he wanted to come in
and I told him to put them in my parking place
he asked where my car was
and I said
not here
He unloaded
he paused out of sight
he walked to the door
and wanted to give me something
I told him to just leave it on the mat
he said he wanted to have a 5 minute conversation
I said there was nothing left to say
He said he wanted to tell me some things
about me
I said I knew enough about me
I didn't need to hear what he had to say
and asked if he had unloaded everything
and he said he had
I thanked him for delivering my things to me

and he walked away

now he has called my friends
concerned about me

and all day Saturday

the big game hunter did not call
how do you make sure you don't trade one bad man for another?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Signs Signs Everwhere a Sign

Trying to date
Trying to find myself
Trying to keep my head above water
Personally and professionally

a child at work
who loves to scream at me
and say he hates me
and not do anything I ask
because he has my number
and pushes my buttons
and he had pushed my buttons beyond reason
even with all the new found advice
I have been following
that has worked well
my buttons are being pushed
even though I am holding it all in
it is driving me nuts
so I grab a piece of Dove Chocolate
and unwrap it
to find the saying inside
"Patience is a Virtue"
then I have a very long conference
with parents and administrators
that takes up my entire afternoon
and takes away my energy
to the point I postpone a date
with a man that is very understanding
I open up my email
and find a horoscope that say
"Nothing in your life is a sure thing --
especially right now,
and especially in terms of any business deals.
When it comes to business,
people are often more interested
in what they can gain for themselves
than in what they can achieve in the world.
They have a different agenda than you,
although that doesn't mean they wish you ill.
Just remember to push back when you feel pushed
and to stand up for yourself
if you feel like someone is putting you down."

and that is what I had just done...
stood up for myself when I was
misquoted, not once, but twice
and treated like I was the reason
a child doesn't know how to show respect

so I came home, exhausted
wishing I had gotten to go on my date
so I chose not to stay home

traveling across town
to a temple or shrine of some sort
thinking I was going to a craft sale
to find a very cool shirt
to wear to work
that a coworker had on
that same morning
I found myself
in Haute Couture Land

It was a Shopping Ole
put on by the city's
Junior League
and boy
was I out of their league
I had on black knit capri's
running shoes
a Life is good t-shirt
and a Wii Sweatshirt

and of course
they were all dressed to the nines
with inch thick makeup
and talking in that
"I am such a bitch"
tone of voice
and spending loads of money

I don't let that stop me
nor the 20 dollar entry fee
I pay my money
and walk in proudly
as though it is exactly
where I should be
I walk and shop
not overly impressed
wtih what I see
waiting til I find what I am there for
a tshirt that I can wear to work
and be Queen
Along the way
I keep thinking about a guy
that I met last week
and we really hit it off
he promised to call the next day
and then didn't
although he did text
nice comments
and act like he would call
he hasn't
in a week
so I walk into a booth
that has this really cool brown cap
that says
"think happy stuff"
on the front in pink
and on the back
around the curve
where you adjust it
"change your thinking
change your world"
and I am like
I have been trying to do that
but then I had a relapse
where this guy was concerned
and a crappy day
at work
and I so needed to see that
so I bought it
and two coffee mugs
pink of course
one with the first saying
and one with the second

The ladies were so sweet
and I picked up a couple of other things
and then found out
they had both been teachers
and worked with at risk children
ah.. there are real women
among the rich and bitchy

I continued on my way
and finally came across
the shirt shop booth
and bought my shirt
along with the perfect one
that looked like
that wonderful coffee shop
that I love
and their green coffee diva label
that said
"Instant -insert job title-
Just add Water"
so I had to have that one too

I left
happy with my choices
in purchases
and drove home

today I went to see
a great friend
and personal counselor
and we talked of the men
in my life
to find that I have found
a great love
and the two of us
show great respect
and honor each other's boundaries
because we love each other

but it is not the ideal love
where we can share our lives
the way I want to share my life
with a great love
but it is some consolation

Lunching with RJ on the patio
at a new restaurant
a new location for another
spot we used to frequent
and it was so pleasant
and we didn't talk of mice
or men
we just talked
and I realized
I like those I can talk to
and he helps me
like taking a box out of the car
so that I can have a place for my son
to sit when I go to get him
and go to the grocery store

We shopped at the newest market
that Mr. Turnaround told me about
last week
and we turned down the aisle
where the cleaning supplies
and mops etc are
and there it was

an ironing board
with 4 legs
like I have been looking for
because you see
I have been wondering
if I had made a bad choice
to not let tater back in my life
and his ironing board
was the only one I used
and was actually something
I pondered about

silly I know
no explanation would make sense
but that was a sign

here is your ironing board
that you have been searching for
and at a decent price
so I bought it
and no longer wondered
if I should let him back in
I know I shouldn't
and I won't.

I came home
and after I was alone
I got a little sad
thinking about being alone
after my date for the evening
canceled and I couldn't say much
after all,
I had done something so similar
the day before
so I tried to be understanding
but at the same time
in the quietness that followed
I found myself a bit sad
especially with all the revelations of the day
and I opened another chocolate
and it's wrapper said
"Laugh , laugh and laugh some more"
so I turned on the tv
choosing to watch the movie
of the 4 women friends
that live in the big apple
and make much whoopie
which I had yet to see
esp. when it was in the theater
as I sat and watched I became
there are some spots that are very close to home
and some that were just plain sad
and I guiltily open another chocolate
cursing the fact I should be dieting
and it said
"Chocolate therapy is oh, so good!"

and then as I contemplate
what to do next with my dating life
and whether to let the great date man from last week
go completely
I get one that says
"Share your Dove Dark (chocolate)
with someone new"
so I am going to get back up on that horse
Remembering a quote from the movie
"No one gets everything they want"
which tells me to quit fearing what I want
but understand I may not always get it
which I already have learned so well

I wanted a great love
and I have one
in Mr. Duvall
even though it is not the
definition of great love I would profess
it is the basic definition
and he is great.

the signs are all guiding me
and I am going to
think happy stuff

*sigh, it is good to be back,
I missed being here so much!

Friday, September 05, 2008

I Miss Writing

First dull and low and
then louder and louder
until my arm
as if by it's own memory
emerges from the covers
and moved toward the noise
instruction my hand to tell
my index finger to push the button
not once
or twice
but Three, count'em 3 times

and then my arm retreats
back under the covers
as I lay in a fetal position
with my arms bent and crossed
in front of me
and I slowly slip back
into a deep sleep....

the wretched sound is back
and this time it means business
my arm flails out from under the covers
and flips the switch
there is no safety net now
my body emerges from its cocoon
and trudges toward the shower
another day
filled to the brim
and as I go through my day
my thoughts return often to the idea

I need to write about the stingray bite
but when?
can I still insert a picture?
do I remember how?

I need to write about my son
and how that is changing
right before my eyes
but when?
when am I not exhausted
and have time to write?

I need to write about the instant
recall of a love gone wrong with one
small simple trinket that once meant so much.

I need to write about my mom
and how one of her old flames looked her up
and now she is as giddy as a school girl
at 76.... it never changes
when he doesn't call
she is still just as sad as if she were 15

I just need to write
I miss it
I miss the blog friends who hardly ever come by
I miss going by to see others
but right now

right now
I have to attend to my job
my health
and getting my rest

for you see,
my body is changing
my mind is growing
and I need to take care of me
so today
as late as it was
and as tired as I am
I sat down and wrote
to make me feel better
and now that I am
a bit better
I must go

and I will be back
as soon as possible...