Feeling Stalked

Months ago
things with Tater ended
and I agreed
against my better judgement
to be a friend
and stay in touch
afterall,
Muse does that
In fact
some of the men
that we say hello
and raise a glass or bottle with
at our local V
are men she has dated
or known many many years
even since puberty
and they are still friends
or at least
friendly
so if she can do that
I can too,
or so I thought.

I had agreed to be a friend
only to have it
bite me in the ass
when he wouldn't take
friendship as a boundary

so I had to say I wanted
NOTHING
absolutely
NOTHING
to do with him

and now
I have my school boxes
and there are no more
ties
to even remotely bind
our lives together

so there is no reason
for him to contact me
but he does
and I have given written warnings
that I will get a restraining order
and he still
calls
and writes emails
and I state it again
so he writes to the Muse
and I say it again
and he writes to me
days later

and I choose to ignore it
and today
this morning
right after talking
to Mr. Duvall
only to hear
that this weekend
he can't come to see me
my phone rings
and I think it is a parent
because I am on my way to school
and sometimes they call
to let me know a child will be absent
so I answer it

and it is Tater
asking me to not hang up
and listen
and instead of saying
I won't talk to him
I said
I can't
and then I apologized
and I hung up

so then I spent the rest of the drive
wondering
WTF
why did I apologize?
Why didn't I say
NO, leave me alone
why was I polite
instinctively?

probably because
I know how it feels
to want to talk to someone
to have them really listen
and to be able to say things
with your voice
through your vocal chords
and see their eyes
as you say it
and for them to NOT
GIVE ME THAT CHANCE

so I am empathetic

and I am also
empathetic
to the feeling of
wishing someone would leave
me alone
so I don't want to give
anyone the feeling
I am experiencing
and yet,
I feel a real need to talk
to the one who will not listen

I am resisting it
with all my might

This week I have had 3 dates
One was ok
he was very polite
and there could be a friendship there
but I see nothing further
than that
not enough in common
no sparks for sure

the second was
a disaster
no explanation to give
we knew instantly
and it was short
and over with quickly

and the third
the most promising
through email
was a great disappointment

and I drove home feeling sad
knowing
that great chemistry
for me
happens rarely
and the last time it did
just recently
I messed it up
without wanting to
but from being overly anxious
and excited
and who knows what else...
but then I think
maybe it wasn't me
who messed it up
after all
there were two of us
perhaps he messed it up
maybe he wasn't ready
I don't know
and I never will
and so
tonight
Friday night
I am home
thinking
which is dangerous
about how
that feeling
on a cold night
wishing
someone
was here
to spoon with
and laugh
and play
and take away
the chill

sneaks in
when I wish I could
just enjoy my nice home
and be ok
doing my own thing
without
the cold feelings
sneaking up on me

this too will pass
and the feeling
that someone wants to talk
and yet,
I cannot
and keep my own sanity
because I cannot give him
what he wants
in any way shape or form

knowing that

I want to understand
that others may feel the same
and I should let it go
and look forward
to the next time
great chemistry presents itself
and hope
it goes better. ...
in the long run