The "ICK" Factor

Have I told you?

Have I told you lately?

I just know I have
told you that I absofuckinglutely
HATE DATING

and today
is the reason why

no! not because of my
wonderful
absolutely fantabulouso
afternoon in Tres Rios
with Mr. Duvall
but because I drove home
from that wonderful
encounter of the close kind
to have dinner
with a man
I had a coffee date
with earlier in the week

I tried to follow new leads
given by another
and picked
an inexpensive
burger joint with character
and I have to say
that after I related my evening
to the muse
she asked
"Well, how was your burger?"

and I replied
with a laugh
"The food was great, thank goodness!"

"and that is what you hold onto."
she retorted

so let's start
with the "ICK" factor
things that make you
create this
shoulder shuddering
neck waggling
movement
while your vocal chords
wail out
a
"bbbbblllllleaeaeaeahhhh"
sound
and if you can't make that
say
BLECK
really long and low
and you will have an idea

first of all
yes, I found him through
the method of cl
and after posing a question
that he answered in wonderful
and intriguing prose
he won the chance at coffee
but alas
I have been asked many times
by men I have met
if I have ever had a bad experience
and usually I say

no
not really

but I guess the really bad ones
seem to skip my mind
because I choose
not to dwell on it

but tonight
and actually the first night
were really bad ones

the picture he shared
was taken in front
of a castle in Ireland
he has strawberry blond hair
fairly thin
and nice looking
great smile

but the man
waiting outside
the Starbucks
was at least 50 lbs heavier

and I think
well, I could lose a few
so I shouldn't be a weight snob

but then,
he acts as if he looks
just like his pic
and he doesn't have much to say
and then the discussion
moves on
to his ex

why do they always think
I want to know what happened
with their ex's?
WTF is that about

and then it went to
his kids
and how he is trying
to teach his son
how to be good to women
and treat them well
and I wonder
as I sit there

is that what is wrong
with men?
their inept fathers
taught them
everything they know?
I mean
there are a few
who aren't inept
but not many!!!

so I cut it short
feigning exhaustion
and make my escape
as quickly as I can
and without being rude
I make sure I give him
a great hug
and thank him for the coffee

and he asks for dinner
and I ask him
if Sunday night is ok
and of course
I didn't know
I would be driving south
for the afternoon at that time
but didn't want to commit
to a long evening
on Friday
or Saturday
if it didn't go any better
than the first conversation
which was a disaster
making me want to scream
and run away

and he was good with that

and tonight

well, he was late
not 5, not 10 but 15 minutes late
the conversation was a struggle
til he got on a roll
about
hunting
he isn't a hunter
he can't understand
shooting a deer
you see, they come up in his yard
and he sees them as pets
and smarter
than cows,
so he can see shooting cows
as sport
but not deer

but then again
when he was a kid
and gathered the eggs
the family chickens layed
he couldn't stand to eat them
or even fish he had caught
cleaned and fillet'd
because he had seen them
actually
looked them in the eye
before he killed them

"ICK" "ICK" "ICK"
and not that I hunt
but come on...

I like eggs, deer sausage
and fish

and then I wondered
how could he eat that burger
and then I remember
oh yeah
we could hunt cows
he didn't even say cattle
oh
but the big thing
that meant a great deal to me
was when our order was ready
and we should go
and pick it up at the counter
he sat on his fat ass
and I got up and got it
and I stood there
and got honey mustard
and napkins
and silverware
and
STill
he SAT

so I took the food,
condiments, and my
happy self
back to the table

and smilingly
served him
his burger
and me
mine.

I know
a small thing
but those are the things
that I do notice
the most.

Then the dog conversation
of his peekipoo
and how his ex
got the lab
and it was the best fit...


ICK
ICK
ICK

and then
the questioning
of dates
and school policies
and education
and math education
and judging me
based on the highest
level I have taught

I was offended
so the time finally came
and I said
I needed to get home
and excused myself
from the table
and he followed
and even to my car
but then he stopped
at the front of the car
and I just kept walking
and got in
and said I would talk to him soon

NOT

but I will be nice enough to tell him
on the PHONE
that there was no chemistry
and wish him the best of luck

and besides
as The Muse said
"He wasn't rugged"
lol
no
definitely not
esp. not enough for me

and once again
I return to the drawing board
and the process
that I abhor
knowing
that the one
that should be in my life
will be drawn to me

I just hope it is sooner
than later

the process is so depressing!!!
and I am thinking I will
do as I did last time
and just abstain

as to avoid
the
ICK Factor