Saturday, September 30, 2006

Pool Time

It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood
and it is time to go to the pool

Pool Passes Available On Request

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Crystal Balls

Over ten years ago
I had an opportunity
to go to a Gem and Mineral Show
in a small West Texas Town
It was a geologist's dream
Wonderful specimens all around
and jewelers
making wonderful jewelry
out of wonderful stones from the earth.

I purchased two of my most favored
possessions while at this show
they were both pendants
to hang on silver chains

One was a rose quartz obelisk
that I treasure but rarely wear
but I wish I did

The other was a Quartz Crystal Ball
A man made from russia
crystal ball about the size of a quarter
only a sphere

I wear it often
or I did
until I lost it

and every year when I teach shapes
I would wear it and use it as part
of my space shapes or
3D shapes lessons

I haven't been able to find it for months
I miss it terribly

and there have been days I have cried over it

I know it is silly
I have thought of things
that were greater losses
for me
and for others

but there are things
in all our lives
that we miss

and we wish we could have back
just for a little while
some for just 5 minutes
to say things we wish we had said
some for that last hug
or that "one more time"
no matter what it was

a wearing of a dress

a dance with our favorite partner

a hug and a kiss goodbye and
a chance to say I love you
to a lost loved one

and it is the same with me

I have turned the house upside down
and it just isn't here

I know the last time I wore it
I remember it well

and I am glad to have that memory
and others
of other things.

But life does go on.
While the Muse and I were at the coast

I made a decision
to find a replacement

I know I will not find a pendant
ever again, like the perfect Quartz Crystal Ball

so I stopped at my favorite stained glass shop
and picked up some Witches Balls

That's right.

You hang them in your window
and the bad spirits are caught in them
so they can't inhabit your home

much like a Dream Catcher

I know I will hang them in the East Window
to catch the light
and I am thrilled to have them

just as I am sure they will be the starters
of a new collection of mine

and even though I have them
they are in no way
a replacement
for the pendant I lost
and wish I could have back

but they do ease the pain a bit
and they do bring a smile

and hopefully they are
a sign of good things to come.

At least I want to think that
so I will.

Ha, and you thought this drunken post was going to involve sex...
or pictures of me in my VS goodies... nanar nanar nanar

hee hee
sometimes, you can't say anything
even when you want to
you have to wait to be asked
so I am waiting.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

When Worlds Collide

The plan this weekend was to clean house and do laundry.
I feel like I haven't been home in two weeks.
First, the muse and I spent practically 4 days together and 2 of those were at the beach, which was great.
Then I had to prepare for seasonal eval at work,
which turned out fantastically for me
pause for big sigh of relief and huge grin hee hee hee

then an afternoon in Nirvana
to rejuvenate my spirit
and satisfy my cravings

and then the weekend was here.
Saturday started out with cleaning of floors
sorting of laundry
and straightening up of desk,
somewhere in there I started to take the trash out
and as I walked out the door
the sun was shining,
it was hot,
not just a little hot
but HOT out
and the pool was calling my name
the dishes were calling my name too, but
the pool was talking louder than the dishes
so after taking the trash out
I quickly slipped into a swimsuit
one I haven't been able to fit in
until now
carried the chair to the pool
and sat and read and rested
and cooled my body in the chilly water
and chilled for over three hours
getting some rays
and soulful rejuvenation

knowing full well
that today, the house cleaning would commence
and it has
I fell asleep last night on the couch
sometime around 7 when the storm
was beginning to blow through
and I put myself to bed at nearly 10
and slept all in all about 12 hours

today the list is long
but much of it has already been done
and the weather is cool and cloudy
I opened all the windows
turned up the music
and am in the mood for
chilly weather foods
such as

and corn bread is sounding really good

so muse and I discussed what we eat cornbread with
she is making chili and I said
I would bring the cornbread
which I will eat with stew, chili, or beans
but not with goulash
which I have bread and butter with

but she doesn't eat cornbread with anything
except goulash
so she is baking bread
but she says she is making it just to make the house smell good

It was summer yesterday,
or at least it felt like it,
and looked like it,

and today it is fall,
felt like it,
looked like it,
and later, it will taste like it.

Time to get the chiminea ready for some fires
and the grill ready to cook
for parties on the patio
when it won't be too hot to sit out
visit and drink lively libations.

I will miss sitting by the pool, in the sun,
but I am looking forward to
cooler days and spending some time
outside with friends

I guess things do come to an end
and although some of it will be missed
and remembered fondly

there is good reason to look forward
to things to come .

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Tomorrow Tomorrow

It is only the 5th week of school.

My supervisor will be in my classroom tomorrow
for my observation

I haven't done much
to really "ham" it up

but I am thinking it will go really well.

I worked a 12 hour day today
to "straighten" things up
and make up for early days last week
that I left
so I could go to the beach...

Paybacks are hell aren't they....

but tomorrow will come
and go

and I can get ready for my next big thing
my living room,
dining room
and stairwell.

wish me luck
send good wishes and thoughts
and smile tomorrow
when you know I lived through it
and you lived through whatever is going on
with you

good wishes with you
from me.

Monday, September 18, 2006

News Flash

The paint chip is in

The Painting Party will commence
this weekend
my house
bring your roller
and swim suit

Let's Paint Party

See you there...

Back From The Dead

Tonight I am exhausted

The muse and I got away for the weekend
It was suppose to be relaxing
and it was
but it was also tiring...

there was sand,
water, men, dancing
and drinking involved
but it was all good.

The title of this post refers
to a comment from the sitcom
How I met your mother

about one of the characters
who had a bad breakup
and the summer from hell
trying to recover

and their final word
ultimately ?
TIME is the only thing
that cures a broken heart

and when Marshall had recovered
He was
Back From the Dead

and I am pretty much there

now I would like to thank you all
for your patience
love and caring words

and your ability to not
tell me how pathetic I was
for awhile there

and those of you
who continue to read
(IDZAP doesn't fool some counters)
I took the counters off
so I wouldn't be looking
to see if you are looking
but I know you still are.
It doesn't matter
choices have been made
you chose your life
now live it

I have chosen a better life
and I am living it.

Look on Passion for the beach post.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Today has been a strange day

It had me thinking

of things that might have been

but weren't

I was sad most of the day

and my mood has been blue

for a few days now....

so as I drove home,

I was thinking of one of the greatest loves of my life

and I stopped in a spot where we first spent a good amount of time together

I thought about ordering
"the usual"

and then realized

that even though

the tried and true "usual"
would be good

it is time for a change

so I ordered the "new"
item on the menu

brought it home and
ate it and reminisced

The first great love of my life
Paul W.

I was working at a
Schlotsky's Sandwich Shop
in Amarillo Texas.

He was working at one of the other
Schlotsky's in town
and the shop I worked at
was the one where all the
baking of the buns
for all the stores was done.

So at the end of the day
the other stores called and gave
a "bun count"
so the baker would know
how many buns to bake

Paul is the one who would call
from his shop
and I talked to him daily
I hadn't met him
and I had worked there for 2-3 months

Everyone kept telling me
that we would be dating if we met

and everyone at his shop said the same thing

then it happened
we had a chance to meet
and it was pretty much
a done deal

I lost my virginity to him
I loved him
and really thought we would always be together

but we weren't

He broke up with me
on my 18th birthday

That really sucked...
and an omen of what was to come

so today
I stopped and got
an "Italiano" sandwich
rather than an "original"
with BBQ chips and tea

and I thought of Paul
and others

and knew,

that as the pain that took me 3 years
to recover from

is similar to recent pain
that is months old
and I am hoping not to take
one year, much less 3 to recover from

but now,
now my thoughts of Paul
are fond
and I smiled as I reminisced
about our time
at work
and with each other
in bed and out

I don't fall in love easily
but when I do
I fall hard

so here I am, pulling myself up
off the floor
from falling on my face

but I know
I will overcome
and great things will come to me

because I have before

and I will again...

sometimes it is ok to take a trip

down Memory Lane...

Monday, September 11, 2006

Have You Ever? ....

I learned a new game last spring
Have you ever

you ask someone
and add an ending
question, something you want to know


when I play it with men

by the third question
they all have to do with sex
if not sooner

I am changing it

Have you ever wanted...

and here it is

Have you ever wanted to
sit in a mud pit
and wrestle with someone
you were in a relationship with
until you were both laughing
til you were crying
and then climbed out
to wash each other off
and climb into
a therapeutic Hot Spring
until you were toasted
and ready to just lay
beside each other
in a cool bed
and fall asleep
in each other's arms?

I have,
I will for awhile

I am looking at a
for myself

that involves everything above

except the man...

think I will wait til Spring


haven't you ever wanted to do the above?

I have wanted to
for years

not waiting another year... going in the spring...

found a great place
at a great price
and in the area I was hoping would have one...

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Pearls of Wisdom

There have been many days
of late
and over the summer
that have had me asking

does someone
that treats you horribly

ever feel
true remorse....?

I think there are some who do

but an overwhelming number of them

DON'T feel any remorse.

The muse watched Oprah one day last week
(I don't leave work early enough for that)

and she saw a show that gave some
pearls of wisdom.
Last night,

after her sleeping pill
and not going to sleep,

she tried to post a comment here
with some quotes...

it didn't work,
for some reason
I am sure it was

anyway, she showed it to me today
after a day of geocaching
and before our dance hall destination

and here is the wisdom someone named Michelle
was told
after expressing her desire
to talk to this man
who had broken her heart
so that she could have complete closure...

Michelle says that she is finding her own closure,
but she would like closure from Mark, too.
At least,
she wonders, will he feel remorse on his deathbed?

"Can I tell you something?" Dr. Robin says.
"He can't give you any [closure].
And he doesn't want to give you any.
You don't exist to him. … He will die a liar.
He will die someone who harmed and hurt people.
And he will feel no pain for all the pain he's caused.

That's devastating, but it's real."

and to me?

to me it is really sad...

I don't wish that on anyone,
but he earned it....

and the man who treated me so badly,
he has earned his life as well....

I hope it was worth the cost....

as for me, I am filling myself back up
without a man to do it for me...

one of the best things I can do
is what 4 widows of 911 did...

But just before the attacks' first anniversary,
four September 11 widows in their 30s met for dinner.
The four forged a strong bond
and began their own support group called the Widows Club.
This month sees the release of their book,
"Love You, Mean It," a memoir of rebuilt lives.
In the book, Carrington, Julia Collins, Claudia Gerbasi
and Ann Haynes explain how their friendship guided them through the suffering,
making them more empathetic and attuned to life.

I will do the same and
give and get support from my women friends
until I am ready for a good man
to come into my life...
and then


he will.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Free of Distractions

The last two days
have had me in a fog

Is it the full moon?
I mean,
it makes the kids at school

why not me too?

Is it that I really was
that upset about Mr. Beamer?

Is it that I really WASN"T
ready to be seeing anyone,
no matter at what level?

I am thinking it was the last one.

I was enjoying Mr. Beamer,
but there weren't any sparks for me
I was keeping him at arms length,
scared to let myself get close to him.

I am not really ready to be near anyone,
and I thought I might be
and I thought I wanted to be

I still needed a distraction.

There are no set limits on the grieving process.

and as much as I would like to be done,

I am not yet.

After much thought
and overcoming of fear
of being by myself
from now on.

I have decided to do just that.

I am writing it down,
because that way
my blogging friends
can hold me to it.

Walker has told me
and told me,
how it is best for him
and those around him
for him to stay by himself
and not get caught up
in relationships that he knew
were not in his best interest
or the best interest of the woman
who was flirting or throwing herself at him

and I agree

but he seemed to be stronger than I am.

Let's see,

Let's see if I can be strong

and move through my life alone

without insignificant relationships
that just take up time
and keep my mind off of things I should think through
and deal with.

And Lord, help me,
I will get over this broken heart once and for all.

I know Muse is tired of my grieving, but what
I have tried and tried to tell her
and others
is that
but that doesn't mean I am done yet.

But I will be

and I hope it is soon.

In the mean time...

it is back to

me taking care of me.

Have a great day everyone...
you deserve it.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Worse Than The "Post-It" Note Incident

In Sex and the City
Berger broke up with Carrie
Using a post-it note

It is as bad or worse
than breaking up with someone
on the phone
or by email
at work no less.

I was recipient of said email
from Mr. Beamer

Not that it was a surprise
I saw it coming
Not that I was that upset about it

but disappointed in that person

yes, I am

it doesn't matter if you admit
how chicken shit you are
you still chose
to do the
down and dirty
in a very bad way

I understand when a person
isn't ready to have a relationship
I learned that one the hard way
last spring

I understand
thinking that you are ready
only to go out
and find
that you aren't
because sometimes
you really just need to be
by yourself
or not bugged by someone
or aren't in a place to give
all you need to in a relationship

I don't understand
not at least calling
when you know you should
or saying it sooner
and saving us all
some time and energy

and Mr. Big Bad Wolf
that I met on my walk
last night
asked me out
for tonight and
silly me
I said I had plans

where is his number...