WHY?

Why do we make such fools of ourselves? There is a man in my past, or rather, he should be in my past, and yet he pops up in my thoughts at the worst possible times. My bestest friend has a man she can't get over, she isn't done...she can't write the last chapter yet, it is true, it really is her problem, unfortunately, it is also my problem. I have one of those myself...

An IMPOSSIBLE situation, that I know will be no more than what it is... IN the PAST.

Unfortunately, just as my friend, I find it hard at times to NOT call, write, stalk, harrass, or blackmail. Oh wait, yes... I said stalk, harrass and/or blackmail... hmmm that must be why those people who do those things actually DO do those things...

I want to let it go
I pretend to let it go
I go for weeks/months without acting on it, and THEN

I do something stupid, I look more and more "flaky", I fuck up any chance that THAT person will ever even consider me a real friend or more ever again.

Amused Muse shared something she has done recently and I could so relate to how bad she felt and how much she regretted her actions, and she made contact with her, for lack of another word, "obsession". Yes, we are obsessed, but somehow, I don't think we are alone.

RJ and I talked about it at dinner, without mentioning names, and his thought on what it takes to get past it was the same as mine. You have to meet someone... someone who, in your eyes, is bigger than life, or at least bigger than the one that you can't let go of.

At this point, I don't know if there will ever be anyone "bigger" than life, or if I will have to just wait it out and hope that it wears off, or fades away or dies, or whatever...

What I do know is that sometimes I wish I had never known him and other times I know that for a few fantastical wonderful days, nights and meetings in the park, I had what everyone lives their entire lives to find and I should just feel lucky to have found it once.

Then again, isn't it all just in my head and no better or worse than I want to make it?

Why does it come back time and time again with such fury to take over my moods and attention span?

I don't know, but I do know it is both a curse and blessing and I face it each time with such opposing emotions.

Amused Muse had her guard down yesterday and she made some choices that I could understand and relate to, and at the same time, talking to her about it just dug up my own emotions and thoughts... so here it is, maybe if I put it down in words it will get out of my head....

why? because I want to be rid of it. I want to be rid of the things that remind me of feelings so raw and so strong that I became a complete other person, and I am not sure if it was worth it or not,

Why? Because, whether curse or blessing, it hurts just the same.