She Said "I Don't Know What I Want"

For some time now
I have been planning
I have been
planning changes
in my life
some I have
actually implemented,
some I have been
making preparations
for implementation
and some are still
in the planning stages.

What is funny
is that I don't know
or should I say
I don't think
I sat down
and wrote out these plans
they just materialized

I wanted to date
I wanted to move away
from the men
who weren't good for me
so
I put an ad on Craigslist
and had good response
and started setting up dates
since I busied myself
with 4-5 men
so I was seeing most
once a week, or every two weeks
and one or two
I saw twice a week
so
I didn't feel the need
to see one man
more often
than he was comfortable
and I didn't feel the need
to have to know
when I would see
any one of them again
because I was
busied
with the idea of who
was next

It is hard work
to see more than one man
at a time

and just for clarification
none were under the impression
that they were the only one
but I do make it a point
to never say more than
"I have other plans" when
they ask for a date on a day
that I have another

Is it great fun?
some of it has been

Are there drawbacks?
Sure there are,
forgetting who you have told what
learning that we are all
pretty messed up
and no time to get
things "done at home"
worrying about if one of them
might drive by my home
if I am out all night
stuff like that

Are there benefits?
Oh YEAH!!!
I have had the chance
to actually get to know
three of them
at a slow pace
and I have chosen
to sleep with one of them

Being exposed to different forms of art
one likes jazz, red wine, and good movies
one likes my tv shows, homecooked dinners
and snuggling on the couch
one pays attention to what I like
and we eat greasy burgers or go to fancy places
I would never have been able to go
one entertains my whims like going to see Christmas lights

so that is one change I have made

another is a fairly recent one
to re-organize my house
and my junk room, drawers, and cabinets
and make my small "quaint" abode
one I want to show off to others
it is in progress

I moved the TV upstairs,
made the twin bed in the junk room
a day bed
to snuggle on
while watching movies
or a place to rest while playing
the Wii
or a place to do Yoga on my exercise mat

I found a new small desk for the computer
and two matching cabinets on either side
to store the junk that covered my old desk

the moving of furniture
to change things up
and plans for my small back yard for the spring

It is in the planning and some progress stage.
Another one at the same stage is
getting in shape over the next year
I mean really good shape
losing weight, building muscle

The ones that are still in the planning stages
are
finding a new job
planning my trip to Seattle this summer
saving money to build/buy a house
in about a year


And yesterday,
while sitting in a coffee shop
with the Muse
she sat across from me
with glassy eyes
with tears about to fall
and she said
"I don't know what I want"
and wanted me to tell her
what I thought she wanted

and I thought
what I want
and what I have
are two different things
but I tend to wish I could change the past
mainly to avoid my mistakes

I want a man in my life
but since the right one hasn't found me
or I haven't found him
I have several
filling that void
and for now,
it seems to work
but I know it is
a short term solution
and I know
I may never find him in this life
and I am preparing myself for that

I want my dream house
with my dream job
they aren't unrealistic
I am just working at them both
a little later in life
than others are

I want my family to be a happy one
I do my best at that
for some of us
it is a big chore
and I am one of those people

so how can I tell the Muse
what I think she wants?
I know her well
or so I think I do sometimes
and other times
I don't understand her at all
which is ok
but it shows that there are things
about her that I really don't
know about her
or understand

and as much as I want to help her
as her friend
I know
that I cannot
she has to figure out what she wants
and I know how big that job is

somehow for me
it has taken many months
or years
to figure out part of what I want
and where some things
are concerned
I don't know if I really know
what I want,
but that starts with realizing
what I don't want...

so I sat across from the Muse
and tried to avoid her question
without being rude
I was caught off guard
and hadn't had enough caffeine to be
philosophical

and then on the way home
I wondered
how many of us
have found ourselves
both men and women
asking ourselves
what it is we want
at any age

so, Muse, you aren't alone
but only you can figure it out
but here I am
with all the support I can give
when you need it

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!