Bennu's Blog

Last Fall as you know if you have been reading for awhile or have read the archives I met two men well actually I met many more than two but I met two that I really liked and if the first one Mr. Turnaround had paid more attention more often I would not have met any after him but his presence or appearances were sporadic so yes, I met two men Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Sullivan and they both turned my head I was smitten with them both Mr. Sullivan appeared after Mr. Turnaround and departed before Christmas for reasons that I truly believe had nothing to do with me but issues with his father's health and the stress that puts on a man child when their father is in a vulnerable position but who knows maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part Anyway, about a month ago Mr. Sullivan calls out of the clear blue sky and wants to see me I have eluded to this meeting with him but I hadn't told the story So we decided that he would pick me up and we would go for drinks so I could hear the story of the dream he had about me while on vacation in Canada He picks me up he has gained so much weight I almost don't recognize him he is jovial we arrive at our destination order drinks he explains the dream which was a combo of things he had been reminded of me in two different circumstances so I am not surprised about the dream, so the conversation turns to me, and school and life and then it starts he asks many questions he asks about other men that he has known I was seeing when I saw him you see he asked then and found out about Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Duvall because he wanted me to see only him and I didn't want to quit seeing Mr. Turnaround As for Mr. Duvall that is a given that it will end permanently the minute a man wants a relationship with me and I want one with him it has stopped before so that isn't a big deal anyway he asked I explained that Mr. Turnaround found others that he wanted to spend his time with even after asking me to be patient and wait for him this summer which I tried to do I am just not good at it patience that is and the questions continue and I want to scream WHY? why do you want to know what is it you want? I mean this isn't my first rodeo a man calls or writes says he has a story to tell says he wants to see you to tell it he is testing the waters right to see if you want to see him and to see if he still wants you... so Why? why ask these questions? We have had about 3 drinks now and I hadn't eaten all day... and he had mentioned dinner but when I ask why he was having drinks with me early on a Friday night did he have plans later it came out that there was a poker game he was contemplating and then he couldn't get me home fast enough and by the time we were in the car the tears came they were a combo of stress, anxiety and feeling rejected he expressed a desire to be friends and do things together and I told him I don't do that well with men that meant so much more to me because rarely can I separate those feelings and he has friends and to be a friend takes as much or more work than a relationship between lovers and confidants and I didn't think he could do it but if he wanted to try we could yeah... that didn't pan out he didn't even try and that was fine but then yesterday I heard from Mr. Turnaround who said we should have a glass of tea of course he is a man of much fewer words and that is the meeting I wrote of yesterday. I don't know his motivation He slipped away for reasons I still don't know guess I wasn't woman enough or the fact I like to hear a man's words and he shared so few that I made some up for him that were not the right ones and I over reacted to some situations in ways I am not proud of he said things just didn't turn out for whatever reason so I don't know all I know is that I am glad that there aren't any others who can call me up like that and see me just to see what I am not sure but stir up emotions that I thought were pretty much gone and then walk away I am not up for that again anytime soon. I think this not dating thing is going better than I ever would have expected I quite enjoy not being rejected worried about what he is thinking and wondering if or when he will call and the time and energy I was pouring yes, Mr. Turnaround, pouring into thoughts and actions and wanting things to be good with someone who wasn't on the same page can now go somewhere else and has been for awhile so those things are hard to give up now so yes, I wished I was doing other things but only because they were going to show progress and sitting and shooting the bull was not It was good to see him It was painful to feel all the old feelings rise to the surface and be able to tell they weren' t for him... but now it is over and I can move forward even though I don't get it I don't understand what they thought they were going to gain or what they did gain by seeing me but if it was to help them move forward then I hope they do understand it and it was helpful. RJ has rarely steered me wrong and his take on both situations was the same but if I listen to what he said I feel even more rejected because he says they were testing the waters about dating me again and I remember a time when he hadn't met the woman of his dreams and he was contemplating looking up an old girlfriend and taking her back and I so DO NOT want to be that person... and even then I told him not to... don't do it just because you are lonely and don't want to be alone don't settle... and see he didn't and he met the woman of his dreams but since neither of them Mr. T or Mr. S explained their intentions I don't know and I still don't get it.