A Day Full of Surprises

Wonders never cease
and do you remember
me saying
that even though my mother
thinks I love surprises
the truth is
that I really don't.

So the title of the post
is the most positive I could
be about today.

I haven't talked about it
but I have mentioned
that I am not dating

I did belong to an online dating
service for way too long...
actually I didn't "belong"
or even "subscribe" very long
but I had a profile posted
I had taken it from being "searchable"
to "unsearchable"
some time back
but after getting an email
from the service
to show off my new "matches"
yesterday, and finding
I had actually met three of them
I decided it was time to cut all ties
and I went to the site
and deleted my profile...

Whew... I felt so much better
and then I was glad that I am no longer
wanting to see how often or when
some guys that I did "date"
are out there "looking" at other women

which was a big step,
I did that all spring
and I hated myself for it
it was hurtful
but the worst of it was
I brought that hurtfulness upon myself

Today was a hurtful day
and I brought it upon myself as well.

I also learned
that there is a period of time
when you have made plans with someone
and are expecting them to call
that I am extremely nervous
and negatively thinking they will not call
or show up
and I hate that feeling
and it is one of the biggest reasons
that I do not miss dating

then there is that period of time
when you are sitting and talking to someone
that it is painfully obvious
that how I felt about them
is the same it has always been
and how they feel is not what I wish it was
and it really hurts

so I sat and talked,
or rather mainly listened
just enough to hear the hint
of someone else in his life
the chit chat of items we share in common
and all the while
wishing I had not agreed to meet
so that I could feel like I was being
tortured
yes, it was close to torture

not too different from the meeting
a few weeks ago
where I lost my cool
with someone from my past
and the tears started streaming
before he could get me home
it freaked him out

so....I took a chill pill today
before it was time to be there
and it helped
many questions I wanted to ask
stayed in my head
I smiled, I giggled,
I liked the sound of his voice,
the shimmer of light in his eyes,
the cadence of his speech
it was good to see him
even though it was painful
what was most painful were the words
that were not spoken

not really any different than before
and why would I think it would be?
I don't know
wishful thinking
to have some ''straight talk"

but yeah, obviously don't have a clue
what it was all about
or why he asked to see me
or if he got what he had intended
out of the conversation...

but what I do know
is that I wish
I had stayed home
gone for my walk
and watched my Sunday night shows
and spent time with my son

who was here
because he lost his job today
and his new roommate asked him
to move out by the end of the month
and he wants to come home

Another surprise
or actually I wasn't so much surprised
but the fact it happened today
did take me off guard

and no, it was not a good surprise

do you remember me telling you
that I have had more
surprises that were not good ones
than I have had that were good?
well that number is growing...
although I have to admit
I had one really good surprise yesterday
so I guess that was so I could get through today...

and now it is bedtime...

yeehaw... I am ready for today to be over...
tomorrow is another day...

good night