When I was young and dating as a single teenager and even into my twenties, I think I had a list of what I was looking for in a man for a LTR. Then as a single woman in my late twenties, I was pretty much just interested in a man who would treat me decently. Now in my early 40's I have learned a thing or two.
1. When someone asked me out, I didn't think
hmmm.... how much money does he make?
hmmm.... is he taller than me?
hmmm.... what kind of car does he drive?
hmmm.... does he have kids? (at my age everyone has them, or they aren't going to, at least not with me)
I DID think: well he asked me out, so I should go and be polite, you never know what might happen.
After a truckload of dates I found the men I had spent way too much time with had at least one of the following:
low self-esteem
power issues
sanity issues (yes, seriously, was even in the hospital for it)
passive tendencies that drive me nuts
I guess those pretty much sum it up...
So after hearing that Alextrex doesn't date women who:
are not legally divorced no matter how separated they are (which I think is great)
are in debt ( I don't know one person that doesn't have a house payment or a car payment, and some credit card debt of some kind, large or small)
have children (at his age this is reasonable, although I don't know why it bothers me, I suppose because I was a single mom in my late 20's early 30's)
are not bilingual and/or multicultural. (He gave good reasons, but I still think a woman could learn another language and become more multicultural, so I am not buying that bill of goods.)
anyway, I thought I might should rethink my list, because if I was going to have a list as extensive as his, it could explain why I live the life of a leper.
Perhaps, I have that kind of list subconsciously, and I am not even aware of it, so it could be part of my drama/baggage/issues.
so let's see...
I like a man who can lead, we have established that, and believe me, he is hard enough to find... and remember fellows, leading doesn't not always entail doing things your way, but letting the woman have her way.
I like a man who has healthy self-esteem but isn't too full of himself that he can't see past himself to see me standing in front of him.
I like a man who enjoys his vocation, and yet will take the leap to another one if given the opportunity, so maybe I should have said,
I like a man who is willing to take chances and is open minded
I like a man who is non-judgemental
I would prefer a man who doesn't have children living at home (been there, done that, want to forget it)
I want a man with a healthy sex drive but who understands I am not going to sleep with him on the first, second or even third date. After that, I hope he can keep up with me.
I want a best friend, who loves me for who I am and who I love for who he is.
hmmmm, maybe that is why I am a leper right now.
and yeah, if I ever do find him I think I will know him at first glance, but as they said in HITCH,
I hope the love of my life is not waking up with someone else every day, but if he is, I hope he is happy.
It is easier to have the list of some of my single and somewhat snobby acquaintances , who have mentioned to me, that their list includes how tall he should be and that he have hair and that he make x amount of dollar, and have a good, recognizable name in the city.
I dated Mr. Mercedes, who is an architect and did most of the work on the riverwalk in downtown SA. I met his friends and mingled with his crowd without any problems but when it came right down to it, the money, his stature, his hair, and his good name didn't sell the bill of goods to me. Neither did the things that I couldn't deal with, which for his protection, I won't mention here.
I won't settle, even if I end up alone, it is better than being with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
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8 comments:
Thanks Jon,
Interesting site since I have spent the last 5 years with kids who were labeled gifted. But no longer... alas, I am going back to the developmental stage, helping them become themselves in Kindergarten.
Sometimes we just need a reason to be interested in learning something new. The different men in my life in the last two years have introduced me to things that I would not have thought about by myself, so when in Belize, I would want to know spanish and would work to learn it. When I go to Italy, I will want to know Italian... (notice I said, When, not IF). I won't speak it fluently unless totally immersed in it, or have a man teaching it to me...lol , so no Alex, she may not have bothered to learn it, but based on what I know (which is me) I bet she would attempt to learn when she has you to converse with and others in your family or when you are abroad.
It is easier for a man your age, you have a larger pool to draw from. I don't have that luxury. Men that are my age and up to 9 years older are looking at women in their 30's, not me.
The men I have dated that are younger are not as "mature" as you seem to be, or as men my age, so it is difficult to find common ground.
Alex,
Maybe she has always wanted to learn another language and now she has the perfect reason to.
I am not saying you were the motivation, but the inspiration. Don't nitpick at this one, my example is the fact I was socially expected to like coffee, but I don't, I was invited by a new beau to go to Starbucks, I expressed my displeasure at trying to order something that would taste "good" without being basically a little coffee in my sugar. He suggested I try the Chai Tea. I love it, so he introduced it to me. (Had some on ice today, it was awesome and woke me up during a sleepy afternoon) Now I know that is different than learning a language, but I hope you get the point.
Karaoke? no, me neither, I am like Murphy Brown, I like my music so loud I can't hear myself sing and no one else has to hear me either.
RJ,
The point I was trying to convey is that when I meet someone I don't check off the list...
oops he's not tall enough, oops... he doen't make enough money...
My list shows that I have to get to know someone a bit before I take them off the list. Of course, the way my dating has been going, I have known something about the guy before I went out on the first date.
I don't ask what they do for a living, I wait for them to tell me. Regardless, my list is not as strident as some, obviously. I guess if you still have enough fish in the sea after you have marked a large number off, it isn't an issue and I say more power to you. That's the nonjudgemental part of me. Sometimes when I question an issue, it isn't judgement I am making it is to find out the story behind the story.
Alex,
There is nothing wrong with being alone. However, there is nothing as great as sharing your life, thoughts, love with another. I would prefer the second, I would live the first without hesitation. I guess the last part of my comment to RJ would fit in here. Different people at different places in their lives with different views, I find it interesting.
RJ
One word (or website) and take it with the sincerity it is conveyed with
www.dictionary.com
Why should it offend me that men would mark me off the *possible date* list because I have kids? Oh, I don't know... maybe because I have kids? maybe because my kids are nearly grown, and to me, when they are grown, that is another situation? Maybe because when they were younger and I was single, I wouldn't like to think that a guy wouldn't ask me out because of them?
On the other hand... I don't usually consider men who have schoolage children either, but that's because I married one of those, raised his kids (he had custody), went through hell, and now none of them stay in touch with me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but that is the mixing of children too, and the bitch from hell ex-wife.
*I, by the way, am a great exwife, even when I don't want to be.
Alex,
Ok, here goes another one at trying to understanding each other.
At one time I thought that the person you found that was your "lifemate" may come with children, or not, or may be divorced. Ok, I was a late bloomer, and in fact I am probably still one.
I even married a smoker, which I hate.
Honestly I am thrilled that you have such high expectations and know what your want and what you don't. Maybe I am just scared I won't ever find someone else who rocks my boat that if I try to compile "He won't" list, I will create a monster that is non existent.
I have watched my mother from her late 40's spend a life alone. I know at times she is plenty glad she has, and at times she shows her true vulnerability and loneliness and it is hard to see and know you are going to probably end up the same way.
I just didn't like the idea of being marked off a list because of my children, although I do understand the concept, it is difficult to not take personally, or at least, at the time I read it.
I am not saying it isn't a good thing, I am just saying that I can't be that stringent with my list, and yet, in the past I should have been.
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