OK, a Little Telling, without the Kissing Part

The day long date:

Lunch= great, food, great, company, great... just great

Afternoon= relaxing, enjoyed it immensely, we talked a little, we laughed quite a bit, and we learned a little bit more about each other.

The View= from the 22nd floor of the Marriot was FANTABULOSO. That's now the easiest way to impress me. I have seen views of city lights from highrise condos and everytime, I love it, it is just like Christmas. I could live in a highrise apt. complex or a condo... but they aren't in my price range. It was great right before dark, when the sky was dark purple, and the clouds were showing and the city lights were coming on... right before we left for dinner.

Dinner= Paesanos was WONDERFUL, thank you, the food was divine, we sat outside, the river was close, the drinks were good, the company could not have been better.

Howl at the Moon= after a small altercation of getting a seat to sit in (JD lost his temper, but regained his composure fairly fast, remember he has not had much sleep and traveled 9000 miles to see me, so I can overlook a small altercation) it was a great time... the music lifted my spirits even further, if that was possible, we laughed, we drank, we sang, we held hands... woohoo... of course we were holding hands since we met, but I still like it...

That's it... a great date, and I have been asked for another next weekend... so I am thrilled...

Is This a Break?

Spent Friday evening with Amused Muse and then tortuous shopping for undergarments. Amused Muse had me concerned about the quality of my undergarments for my date with JD... that shopping expedition took all evening... Saturday morning I slept in til 8, got up, watched a few things I had on the DVR, JD called (*surprised, yes I was) on his way to the seminar he had been planning on attending. Then I got up and started getting ready to meet him. Left the house at noon, spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with him. It went far better than I could have hoped for. Of course we still don't really *know* each other, but so far so good. (no, I am not kissing and telling, but I will say... if I hadn't kissed, I could have told...lol)
Sunday morning I traversed the roads again to eat breakfast with JD, then came home to take a nap. RJ and I had planned a cup of Joe with good convo, so he called after an hour of napping, and I got up and went, somewhat reluctantly, since I wanted to sleep... but it was my idea, and I needed to get up and get moving.
Met him at the local constellation gazing dollar hungry coffee shop and had Chai Tea, yum... we traded stories of how our Sat. Night dates went... both went swimmingly, and we decoded the woman/man code of the things the counterpart to our dates said, asked, implied... it is nice to have a spy to help interpret. Then we bought coffee for my mom at Whole Foods, the holiday Celebration flavor, a build your own 6 pack and some Cliff Bars for RJ and a candle for me. Then he reminds me that I wanted to eat, but he wasn't really hungry... ummm there's a PF Changs, wanna have a lite bite? So we end up at the bar, eating appetizers and RJ has a martini (he is very picky about them, and I could tell the bartender was well versed in his martini building skills so I watched in anticipation of a really good martini for RJ, and it was. After eating, I wanted to have a really good drink, and, having never had a drink at PFC, I chose to look over the "specialty drink" menu.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO I like the name Poolside for a drink, does it have what I like in it... woohoo, it does, rum, rum, and more rum... yummy. It also has OJ and PJ in it. YUM... and Blue Cuaracao (sp?)... I suppose to look like a pool... I ordered it.
It came out GREEN... boys and girls, a green drink is just not natural to me...ok ok , I get it... most drink colors are not natural... red, blue, etc... and green is more natural than some of them, but this drink was a funky green, I suppose due to the blue and the fruit juices... but it was YUMMY... I could have sat by the pool...ummm bar, all day and drank them... but I would not have been able to get up if I had.
While enjoying my yummy drink, Amused Muse calls, and she has finished painting her wall and asks for a discerning eye to view it. I end up getting an invitation for homemade burgers with a warning her SO is home. Oh honey, I will be nice, I don't mind him, I just don't like the way he does you... but he won't do it in front of me.
Finish my drink and visit with RJ, then we say our Turkey Goodbyes and Thanksgiving wishes and I drive ALL THE WAY to AM's house. Stayed for great burgers, saw the wall, it was great, moved the china cabinet since Amused Muse has a hurt shoulder, read the paper (yes still looking for a place) and was friendly to the man in her life.

Drove home to a house that needs cleaning, work that I should do, and this morning I am suppose to have already left for a week with my mom... so when am I having a break so I can get my house in order... .guess I will have to invent one.

Your Say and I Think

1. Heads up:: Forewarning
   
2. Kicker :: Cowboy
   
3. Aggressive:: ???? mind was blank
   
4. Getting ugly:: drama
   
5. To be continued:: bummer
   
6. Twist:: and Shout
   
7. Form:: paperwork
   
8. On the road:: road trip
   
9. Import:: Export
   
10. Flowers:: *smile* For ME? I LOVE White Daisys, Sunflowers and mixed bouquets, but roses, pink or yellow will bring tears of joy and I will melt in the palm of your hand.
    

Thanksgiving Turkeys

All week I have been creating Thanksgiving memoraliabilia, ok, crap, for my students to wear, have, take home, after our Thanksgiving FEAST today. The best thing we did was the Turkeys out of gourds. Some pictures are here, but they don't do them justice, they are so much more fun in person.
We also baked pumpkin pies... the yummiest recipe I have ever had, made Sweet Potato Casserole, Roasted a Turkey in class today, and made my family favorite, Pink Fuzzy Jumping Stuff (actually a fruit salad with jello, whipping cream and marshmallows). It was divine and the students all loved it (well most of them loved most of it). Parents were great help and it went as smoothly as any other Thanksgiving dinner I have done at any grade level.

But NOW... it is OVER and I can think of other things...like my date with JD tomorrow... he called tonight, oh ladies, I think this is going to be a very good date.... we will see... lord knows I have made worse choices and lived through the consequences.

I have a date at the River Walk

Yes, boys and girls, I have a date on Saturday for drinks, dinner, dessert ;) and musical enjoyment at the River Walk in San Antonio. JD will be here, with a room right on the river (calm down, calm down.... yes I am talking to myself) ... anyway, Paesanos, good choice courtesy of RJ's suggestion.
A very nice time out on the town... when is the last time I got to do that... well, if you have to think about it, it's been too long... yes it has. I am still absolutely giddy... and that is him in the pic... not bad eh... lol

Salmagundi

Many things are on my mind this evening, and some not at all.

Less than a week now til I meet J.D. After discussing the situation with RJ, I am told, I may be a demolition expert. I tend to agree. So, if I make it til next Saturday, without creating an explosion, I will meet J.D.

Friday at school we had Stone Soup, after learning all about the book all week. The students brought veggies and all the stuff they mention in the book. We cooked on a hotplate and ate a little of it after all had eaten their lunch. The kids all loved it. We are going to have a great week this week too. Creating turkeys for Thanksgiving, out of dried gourds and having a FEAST on Friday. I can't wait til we are celebrating Christmas... I love the holidays and my students and I have so much fun.

Today I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman and it was pretty good, and then I watch Breakfast at Tiffany's, which was great and I don't think I had ever seen the whole thing. Pretty racy stuff being a man who is kept by a rich married woman... for when it was made... There was a line in Diary that I really liked, and maybe someday I will have the opportunity to use it. There was a scene where the woman is breaking up with the new boyfriend, and asks him to be friends... and he says something to the effect of "you just don't get it do you? Why would I give you up only to give you the best part of me? " You go guy, I know that feeling exactly.

Customer from Hell

Yes, boys and girls, I am the customer from hell. I don't try to be, it just turns out that way... I expect service, I expect to get my money's worth, and apparently, I am a tight wad of late... or at least I want to feel like I got what I paid for.
Rick and I had a great breakfast at Gini's in San Antonio today. We had neither one ever been there, but I see the sign every morning on the way to work about how they have the best pancakes in town. I have been having a craving for Magnolia's in Austin, so in this case, advertising did pay. The omelette I wanted was 6.99 for a basic 3 egg omelette, and .50 extra for each item, and of course 1.00 for spinach, so I had that with bacon, onions, and cheese. Subbed a pancake for the bread and had hashbrowns... and as I realized that was what I would get, I told Rick it was a 10 dollar breakfast, but I was going to get it.
He, on the other hand, just wanted french toast and sausage (and I am not a FT fan, but it was to die for).
The point? I have found that when I am out with Rick or Terry, they feel the need to 'fore warn" the wait person that I am "high maintenance" and to "beware"...
NO>>> I just want what I pay for... so if you want a tip, the service should reflect it. And, if I order a 10 dollar omelette, I expect it to be good. It was fantastic by the way... I will go back there, again.

So, for once and for all, here is the scoop... I once waited tables and bartended, and was a cocktail waitress as well... when you serve a cocktail, you should put a beverage napkin down first. Every drink served that should have a garnish has one, not just the first drink. The time to offer them another is when their drink is just about half empty. The customer is always right and you work to make the experience for them a good one.

Terry and I were at a reputable steak restaurant chain last Wednesday, and the bill was about 80 dollars (yes I ate dinner, but we also were drinking to get fizzuphin (Terry swears it's a word in german that means drunk, but I don't know how to spell it, so I don't know if it's true, if you know let me know) and we neither one felt like we could drink enough to get drunk.
LSS< I didn't think he deserved a tip. He was rude, didn't use bevnaps, let me sit there over 10 minutes with an EMPTY glass more than once, didn't give me a fresh straw with each drink and .... and... would not answer my calls using his name. There were less than 8 other customers at the bar...but even when I think some one doesn't deserve a tip, I usually leave 10 percent, which in this case I did.

And, YES< I know how it sounds, but I also know that people in the service industry do not really provide the service that was provided a mere 20 or so years ago. I suppose most people don't expect service either....

I tend to expect more out of people than most people do... and it gets me labeled as high maintenance or the customer from hell. So Be It.

The Pitfalls of Chatting Online

I have had friends I have chatted with online for many many years, some come, some go, and always, always, there is that margin of error in reading what you think it says and not getting what the writer intended. You only read into what you want to read. Some friends last less than a minute, some last more than 5 years (my australian friend, who is there when I am suffering from insomnia). There is the wide gammut of the in between folks.
I almost lost my new friend the other day... and for no good reason that I could see, we weren't reading what we wanted to read, or were we, into the conversation.
Yes we are down to less than 7 days, and for him even less due to the fact he loses a day when he flies home.
Anyway, the pitfalls of chatting online are numerous.. just as you are reading this, it is the same. You may think I am being sarcastic, or serious, or not serious at all, depending on what is going on in your little head. It really sucks... so to alleviate that misunderstanding before you really know anything at all about someone, I usually try to meet someone as soon as possible... which when they live half way around the world, it is very, VERY, difficult to know the other's sense of humor, abilitiy to use sarcasm, or create a light joking atmosphere... and make sure your audience knows where you are coming from..
Caveat Emptor

I Love Teaching Kindergarten

Mr. Duvall called me today... to see how I was doing... I found myself gushing and expressing what a great time I am having teaching kinder. I absofuckinglutely LOVE it... it is exactly what I have always wanted to do... of course we talked about other things, but when I got off the phone, I realized how much I really meant what I said to him about it (and no, the above is not an exact quote, I would not use THAT word with him). Some parts of my life have definitely improved in the last 6 months... and I realized it tonight when he called... and he made me smile.. I hadn't heard from him in... oh more than a month, and I haven't seen him since April... so it was good to hear from him. He definitely could tell things were better with me, or so he said...

I love teaching kinder... and it shows...lol

Love Life is looking up

It is still in the infant stages but things are looking hopeful for the most recent candidate J.D.. Amazingly enough, that is his real name... I have been restraining from sharing my excitement with the world, so as not to jinx it, but I got the sweetest email from him today. I just can't contain myself any longer.
The rest is still a mystery, but in 12 days, more will be shared, or actually 14 days, because I get to "officially" meet him in 12 days. Now I know that sounds funny, but he is half way around the world working as a Physician's Assistant in Kuwait and will be here on leave in 12 days.
Now you know I am very cautious, but so far, he has not raised a single red flag... which is amazing.

I am absolutely giddy, and my students have noticed it, as well as some others who don't know me as well.

Have a great day everybody, I know I did after I read that email.

Post Awards Day

My students were so great for the awards. They walked up, shook my hand, took their awards, and then stood in a line for recognition. Afterwards, they sat in their chairs and put their certificates/ribbons on the table and didn't mess with them.... REMEMBER they are 5 YEAR OLDS... I was so proud. They were so much more well-behaved than the other classes. I rewarded them with lunch with me in the classroom and we watched Scooby Doo on TV... the first time I have done that this year... it won't be a regular thing. Anyway, all that hard work on my part and on theirs is paying off...

AWARDS DAY

I love teaching kindergarten. This is the first year I have taught it. Halloween was my first major reminder... "Oh yeah, I am the first impression they have for school" ... man that is a big job...

Today is the first AWARDS DAY, and I am nervous... it is their first award, it will dictate for them what these ceremonies will mean to them for the rest of their lives. I am not a big advocate of "give everyone an award" but hey, this is kindergarten, they are going to be crushed if they don't get one. ....

I have to go get dressed now... you would think I was going to the Oscars as much as I have fussed over what to wear.

Flirting is so much fun

I really enjoy flirting. Not your random, be a flirt to everyone, flirting. I like flirting with someone who I have a small crush on or a large crush. Flirting with someone you are getting to know well or know very well, who is potentially a significant other. Yes, boys and girls, I finally met someone who might turn into something other than a single date or two. It is hard to tell now, but we will see... I am definitely enjoying the flirting.

House Hunting

Still looking, it is amazing, that even with a "professional" helping me, none of the ones I have looked at so far, float my boat.

No More Mr. U

Well, that didn't last long. Long story short:

He's a misogynist, but he is no Charlie Harper.... got up and left during the ballgame, left him holding the "bag". Right after his last poorly chosen comment about me. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

An Email from RJ

I started to respond on you blog but thought maybe you would rather not have the world read this. You are a very good friend. It amazes me that in the span of 6 short months I would be at a point that I could tell you that (As you know I am not a very open person and it generally takes people considerably longer periods of time to reach the level of openness that we have.). After reading you last couple of posts on your blog I saw you selling yourself short. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the positive qualities you have to offer in a relationship. In my own inept way I was trying to remind you of those things yesterday and today, and that someone completely hung up on physical characteristics wasn't worth your time. While appearances have their place (all be it limited) they do not control who we are. I realize that some of your insecurities are based on your perception of yourself, and maybe that is because no one reminds you that you do have alot to offer. So I wanted to do just that. That is the real point of this email. Bennu, you are an attractive, vibrant woman. Yes I said attractive .... just look at some of the women in the HEB next time your there, even without makeup and in sweats you are attractive .... it has to do with the way you carry yourself. I don't see you as overweight (I know we have had this discussion .... just listen), a few extra pounds perhaps, but you are active and energetic (I'm not sure I could handle 21 5 year olds for 8 hours a day). You have alot going on in your life right now, but somehow you manage to still meet your commitments and for the most part handle it all. I know of people with less stress in their lives that can barely stumble through their day. You know what you want. Hell I wish I knew for sure what I want. You are a giving person with true concern for your friends. Your loyal and would do anything for a friend, Amused Muse couldn't ask for a better person to keep an eye on her (neither could I). I guess what I want you to remember is you deserve a good, decent, honest and loyal significant other. Don't settle for something less. If a woman's physical appearance is the main thing on Mr. U's list then he isn't worth your time. You bring alot to a relationship and don't discount the importance of those things you bring to the table. I care about you and hate to see you discouraged. Smile ... maybe even laugh (your eyes really light up when you laugh). Take care
RJ
P.S. Just so you know there is no way I would have written this much on your blog.

MY Response:
Thank you so much for the Pep Talk, RJ. ... I need (ed) it. Funny thing is that Mr. U never acted like my physical self was not up to snuff, I did that to myself... all of the sudden all of my insecurities rose to the surface and overtook my being for a few days... I am now on the road to recovery, but the fact that you wrote such great things and when I know you don't compliment often, I wanted to share it with the world.

Bennu

Second Date Discussion With RJ (since he thinks I didn't reveal enough of myself in the last conversation post)

RJ: So you and Mr. Universe have a date Tuesday?
B: I don't know if it is a date or a park and grab
RJ: Park and Grab?
B: I left my jacket at his house. His message said the soonest he could get back to me was Tuesday.... what does that mean to you? Here, listen to the voice mail he left me...

(intermission)

RJ: Sounds positive to me, it might be a date.
B: Yeah but 5 days later? what is he doing in the mean time?
RJ: Maybe he went out of town...
B: yeah (and thinks "with some other woman")

silence...

B: I just think he is too perfect for me, I have good self esteem, but he has me questioning it... I am not as self confident as I come across most of the time. You see my insecurities more than anyone else right now, because I share them with you.
RJ: Fleeting glimpses, I get fleeting glimpses of them...
B: yeah, but in my head, they are constant. I am not comfortable with my weight... I feel like I am athletic, but some men have flat out told me I am fat, so that is what comes to mind when someone with the physique of Mr. U is around. I feel like I am not good enough. The thing is... he was a perfect gentleman.... he never even looked like it bothered him, much less said anything... so just like you, who thinks that some woman is going to say no if you ask her out again, I don't think he is interested in pursuing anything with "me" due to my insecurities.

RJ: yeah, but you shouldn't feel insecure.
B: Thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence, and I am working on it.


B: Are you going to go out with E again soon?
RJ: I don't know, it just wasn't comfortable
B: what about the other one you went out with last week
RJ: I don't think she is interested...
B: why
RJ: I don't know...

ahhhhhhhh I am not the only one... dating sucks



COMMENTARY:

RJ, we all have insecurities, mine come from comments people in my past have made to me. I take things (words) very seriously, and the perfectionist part of me won't let me be "ok" or "good" enough at times.

Plus, I overthink things way too much... hence why my knee recovery was so poor, I didn't do things "automatically" and now I find that if I am wrangling 22 5 year olds up stairs, I climb them just fine, but if I am by myself, I think I have to limp due to my knee... I need to let go and let things happen more often...

A Dating Conversation between Bennu and RJ

RJ: Well, how was your date?
B: Good, it was good. How was your date?
RJ: It was ok I guess...
B: Ok? Just Ok? What happened?
RJ: I don't know, it was just ok.
B: Oh come on... you let me spill my guts about my dates but you won't give up any info... what the F.... ?
RJ: I just don't feel like I can let my guard down and be myself.
B: Oh ok, so she is uptight is she?
RJ: Well uptight isn't the word I would use... but in a way... yes
B: What happened?
RJ: I was home at 9 pm.
B: So, I have been home from a good date at 9 before.
RJ: I can't say things that I normally would say...
B: oh stuff that you would say in front of me, but you aren't sure how some other women would respond?
RJ: Yeah, you just laugh it off or make a comment... I am not sure how she would respond
B: Yeah, I don't fuss at you about it... I don't do that, unless it embarrasses me, and you haven't done that. I think you were more comfortable doing that with me because I cuss in front of you...
RJ: maybe...
B: So did you walk her to her car?
RJ: yes, we rode the shuttle to the parking lot, I walked her to her car, she drove off and I drove off.
B: Did you kiss her goodnight?
RJ: no
B: Why not?
RJ: It just didn't feel right...
B: What? why not?
RJ: Consider present company...

Yes folks, RJ and I went out as possible dates for quite some time, but he never did kiss me. Now we are great friends, without the weirdness of knowing each other beyond friends.

RJ: Did you kiss your date
B: YES (smiling uncontrollably)
B: but that was because we had the conversation about how could he really think that women wouldn't think they were good kissers. So, he had to find out, or I had to test it for myself.
RJ: ......(he didn't say anything)

B: So did you call her today (the day after his date)
RJ: no
B: why not? I like a man who calls me the day after, even just to say he had a good time
RJ: I just don't think it is going to pan out
B: Why not?
RJ: I just don't....


Good GAWD!!!!!
MEN.......

Even my friends won't be straight with me, after knowing each other for over 6 months... so yeah, I see what you mean d.k., Mr. Universe may just need to warm up to the idea of having a real conversation.

Finally... A Date, or was it a NUT?

Yes boys and girls, I finally had a date. It was Thursday evening. We had dinner in a "fairly" nice locale next to a river in a very small town. To calm myself before hand, I had a few drinks at home. We met at the restaurant. I could describe him perfectly, but let's just call him Mr. Universe and that should say it all. I have never gone out with a man with a body as perfect as his. He is Gorgeous, to say the least.
Anyway, we had to wait for the "dream spot" as he put it, so we went to the bar for a drink. I ordered Parrot Bay and Diet Coke with lime, ummm no Parrot Bay? ok then Malibu. He balked, he didn't like me drinking Diet Coke....uh oh that is my one staple in life. I live on DC. If I didn't drink it? what would I drink? but in the mean time, I play along with Mr. U.
He wants me to try his frozen margarita, made fresh from scratch...uh yeah right... I was a bartender once, I know it is a mix nearly every place you go, but they have him convinced... and I don't drink tequila, it doesn't like me... but I play along.... ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh that is sour and makes me pucker, that was the whole idea wasn't it? I ask... he laughs, because all he does is joke around. He is loud and bouncing all over the place in our "conversation" and on his bar stool. Actually, it didn't bother me, but without that alcohol prep I did before the date, it might have annoyed me a bit. I now have a rum and coke and a margarita on the rocks sitting in front of me. Our table is ready. They led us around and about, down a cobblestone path and I start to wonder if we are going all the way down to the river. Eventually we wind around several picnic tables to one right by the overlook. There is a landscape timber marking a change in the grade of the terrain, and I trip. Luckily, I catch myself and my drinks and don't spill but a few drops. I was embarrassed, but he covered it quite well and didn't seem to let it become a big harry monster.

We start to look at menus, and it becomes obvious he needs his "reading glasses" and doesn't have them with him. He asks about the specials. He has a coupon for one dinner free when you buy the other one. I had the same coupon but I didn't take it... thinking it would be ...oh... I don't know... tacky?
We eat steak and shrimp, have no real conversation, just jokes and joking around. He is very much the gentleman, is concerned that I am "ok" with the food, the amount of napkins, having silverware, etc. you get the picture. He is a bit "handsy" or "touchy feely" for a first date, but as attention starved as I am, it was welcomed. He was not inappropriate at anytime, and I really liked that.
He is very clever, esp. with words, which always is a turnon for me. He invited me to his house on the local lake and I accepted. Never hurts to see where a chiropractor lives.... it, of course, was immaculate and ostentatious yet understated if that is possible.

We had some champagne I brought along, as a celebration to my observation by my administrator on Wednesday, that went very well. We danced a bit on the tile floor, and he is a good dancer. We sat outside and enjoyed the cool air and the night sky full of stars.

In his own words, one of his must haves, in a woman, is she must be a good kisser. My question was... does any woman really think she isnt? Don't we all think we are good in bed and good kissers? Men too?

It boiled down to self confidence and self image, as he took the long way to say it. I think he is looking for someone very sure of herself, and he said it through the 'must be a good kisser' line.

Glad I had the nerve to answer that ad. It was a date I won't soon forget, and I left his house thinking that if I never saw him again, I had a great time, and that was all that mattered...

We will see... he has called and left me a message that the soonest he could get together again is next Tuesday.... well that is the day I go to the Probation Intake meeting with my problem child.. I might need a drink after that...

Oh man, here is that stinking life of mine again...well, I left it behind for one evening... and I had fun... that was a good vacation...


The nut reference? No real conversation... ADHD behavior in a grown man is not attractive, Next Tuesday? well there must be a waiting line and I just went to the end... I don't know, my little red flags are waving, we will see how high and big they get.

Sometimes I just get down and need to sleep

I have been actually trying to date for about 2 months and I haven't gotten a date yet. The online venues have not been, not in the least, fruitful. It is depressing, then I come home to a teenager who thinks he doesn't have to do what I ask or follow the "rules". Then I try to look into moving and find that I cannot even afford to do that.

I can handle one at a time, but not three...

Goodnight all,

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, KEEP AN EYE ON THIS LIST, IT WILL CHANGE

1. Sleeping in, Taking Fridays off and a Diet Coke
2. Parrot Bay or Malibu Rum
3. Big Straws, or Fat Straws
4. The moon shining through my sun roof as I drive down the road
5. An unsolicited hug from a student
6. Amused muse making me laugh at her silly jokes
7. Migas for breakfast with a pancake (with pecans) for dessert
8. New crayons
9. These fancy little scissors my ex once bought me, I need a new pair, that cut wire, and anything else and are just the right size.
10. the scent of lavender
11. Sleeping late
12. Eating in bed with a lover
13. The sun on my face
14. Good service in a restaurant or bar.
15. Chocolate Ice box pie (yes RJ, it is higher on the "actual" list)
16. Burt's Bees Lifeguard lip goo... yes, I said goo... hee hee hee hee hee

more to follow...

Happy Hour

Amused muse and I went. It was great. Two drinks later, here I am, exhausted and toasted. What I can I say, I am a cheap drunk... at least tonight, because all I have eaten all day is a Cliff Bar...

The point was to have a "mini" vacation. I did, and now reality has returned... take yourself a mini vacation, let me know how it goes.

Celebrate

When I was a senior in high school and delivering flowers (mostly poinsettias) at Christmas time for the local florist, Lionel Richie came out with a new song, Celebrate. I remember it vividly, and I heard it on the radio today, and as always, I can feel the cold crisp air, the waning sun, feel the delivery vehicle beneath me, see the smiles of the people I brought flowers or plants to, and I remember my first consumated love affair. It is a bittersweet memory. He broke up with me on my 18th birthday. He broke my heart and I think I felt it for over 5 years after that.

One evening earlier in the week, there was a new sitcom on, I believe it was "How I met your mother" or something like that. The jest of the whole show was that you don't break up with someone on their birthday, and certainly not over the phone.... well, I will give Paul credit where credit is due, he did have the guts, eventually, to break up with me in person, but it was, and still is, the worse birthday I have ever had. But, hey, at least I was old enough, and it was legal at 18 then, to go out and drink if I wanted to... but if I recall, I didn't go out drinking.

Funny how one thought leads to another isn't it?

Celebrate good times come on, let's celebrate... well I like the saying, "God said Celebrate, not celibate"....lol, it is a line from an obscure movie with Shirley McClaine.

You can blame RJ for this one

This is from my 27th post and it is the 5th sentence.

This woman made him feel bad when he had done nothing wrong and he wanted to stop engaging this new "hobby".

RJ is playing "chain letter Blogger" and I got caught in the middle. I am suppose to have 5 other people do it as well, but I don't know anyone else who is still blogging. So the cycle stops here, now if it were a Harley, I would be thrilled.

For clarification of what this is all about, look at RockJock's blogger, it is called Fool's Gold.

Bright Lights Big City

Today I will look at an apt. that has been "found" just for me.... the price is right, the ammenities are all the ones I asked for... we will see... and yes it is, just for me. No children. I am taking the youngest to his dad at Thanksgiving.... to save my sanity and his life. It is a hard, sad decision, but something had to be done.

If you were looking for a new place to live, what ammenities would you look for?

Opened Windows and Trains

Last night was the second night I have opened all the windows and let the fresh air in. This morning, the train whistle as the train moves through town is such a comforting sound and it brought a smile to my face.

While I was home last Thursday I opened all the windows in anticipation of the cold front that was suppose to be here that day. Sometimes you don't know what you miss until you see/hear/feel it again. The quiet of the house, the sounds of neighbors mowing their yards, the rustle of the wind through the leaves on the tree as they begin their descent to the ground. It was a wonderful day for sounds and considering I had to spend the day inside writing, I felt like I wasn't missing out on a gorgeous day outside.

RJ and I were discussing our fascination with trains yesterday. My father was an engineer for the railroad, and yet the only train I have ever had the thrill of riding was in Durango CO, from there to Silverton, CO. I hope to have the opportunity to ride another one, that has a dining car. I enjoyed watching Sex In the City when Carrie and Samantha rode the train, across country I think, if I recall correctly. RJ has ridden a train to Mexico City, which I think is fantastic. When I hear things like this, and I want to experience them too, it just increases my desire to learn Spanish. Not that he really knows Spanish, or that you would have to, but it would help. (he knows more spanish than he will own up to)

Have a great day, open the windows, watch the leaves, listen to the sounds of your neighborhood, and enjoy the quiet without any technological infringements.

Technology sucks

Technology never ceases to amaze me... it isn't infallable, anymore than I am.

Movie Review: A Lot Like Love

Yes, boys and girls, it is a chick flick. It is, however, a very clever and humorous film as well. There is a mile high club scene, of sorts, guitar playing and naked people in the desert.

Over All, a very good film that supports some thoughts I have had about timing and when you meet someone and the timing is wrong....

I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I watched it again,

What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic...

Sleepy Girl

The days, nights, hours, since Thursday afternoon have become a blur. After attending a Conference yesterday on the coast, I am exhausted and as tired as I am, I cannot sleep well.
Thursday was spent catching up on things I have "left behind" so that no child will be left behind. Friday was an early release day, where the children don't follow any direction by me because we are not following the "regular routine" and they are thinking they get out of school "soon" all morning. We eat lunch before 10 am. YUCK. Then after they leave, I am sitting in a staff development session required for all the district to follow directions found in a notebook, and yet someone is reading it to us.... UGGGGHHH.... Immediately after that, 3 colleagues climb in my vehicle in the rain to drive all evening to the beach... now if we were going to have fun, that would be one thing, but considering we are going to a conference, that is another story.
The drive was, thankfully, uneventful. The colleagues that I have no "affection" for, sat in the back seat and watched a DVD on a portable player, obviously they have no "affection" for me as well. The conference was good, now if I had three months to create all the ideas I collected... that would be ideal.
While there, oldest child calls, youngest child (16) has taken the door off the closet that I lock all my "valuables" and alcohol in, and has been in there, he didn't watch, so he doesn't know what he took.
Lovely, just lovely.
I call the mother of a "friend" of problem child, and ask her to pick him up from school outing scheduled for the day and keep him til I get home. That's done. I call the Muse and ask her if she can afford to let me borrow a closet to store precious items I don't want disappearing (mainly coin collection and personally precious items) and she says yes.... ok that's taken care of.
Get home, explain consequences to child, and tell him to go to bed. He refuses. I spent an hour explaining all the consequences for not doing it, one of which finally got his attention and he went to bed.
Of course I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at four, fearing I hadn't set my alarm and had to get up for work.... oh man, it is Sunday.....
Woke up at 7 and decided it was too light to sleep well, so I got up... no caffeine in the house... and now am waiting for RJ to come eat Mexican food for breakfast with me. He is on his way... he had a date last night, I can't wait to find out how it went.

Yes, consumption of large quantities of diet Coke and a nap in the afternoon are on THE LIST, but the latter of the two will either take over or go to the wayside.

An Invitation

Boys and Girls.... I spend most of my day getting 5 year olds to be nice to each other, keep their hands to themselves and not say demeaning, belittling, or bullying comments to each other. I am not going to do it in my blog too.

Southern Girl, I wish I could have worked on your lavender farm, lavender is my favorite scent and purple is my favorite color. Unfortunately, I was never offered a basket of goodies, due to my gender I imagine, but just the same....

This is an invitation for you to take your blogging elsewhere. You have run off my friends, and I miss their comments. Please go in peace and with only my best wishes, but please do... go....

It was not in the Cards

Today I am staying home rather than go to the beach.... the decision was made for me when I learned that a mere 3 days after an observation with one supervisor, I have another one with the main supervisor.... and no, it isn't because the first observation didn't go well, in fact it went really well. It is an anomaly caused by the fact that the two supervisors didn't plan their observations together.

I had the opportunity to change it to a later date, but I prefer to get it over with. I believe I will go to the beach in a couple of weeks instead. Yes it is still hot here. We had a cold front blow through last week, so the temps are out of the hundreds but will be 96 today. We had one day in the 80's, it was very pleasant. So I think the beach will still be very pleasant for a few weeks.

Busy Busy Days and Very Short Nights

This has been the wildest week. My "observation" by my supervisor is Friday, and that is tomorrow.... blek!!!

I have gotten home late or later than I wanted each night. They have started night time construction on my highway I take to work, so traffic in the morning has been bumper to bumper. It took me an hour and a half to get to work yesterday, so I had no prep time in the morning.

Today I have "math font" training from 3-4, then planning with a colleague, then cleaning my room for tomorrow.... so another late night, and as soon as I get home I crash....

My masters classes suck, because I can't get anything done except on the weekend... and lately I have been using them to sleep and recouperate for the week...

I need a day off, or so RJ tells me... or at least he tells me that I told him it was ok to take a day off and veg.... I think I will take my own advice... if , make that WHEN, I get my masters stuff done Saturday, I am going to the beach on Sunday...

In the mean time send me some pink lights to get through this week... not major pink lights, just light pink light thoughts...

Is this "Verbatim" or what?

Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier'
August 31, 2005 Issue 41•35
CRAWFORD, TX—President Bush concluded his summer vacation by holding an informal press conference Monday to address grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, saying "her damn dead son ruined my whole summer vacation."
Enlarge Image
Bush addresses the press during his vacation.
Bush addressed Mrs. Sheehan, who was not present, by saying "a mother should not have to bury her son this way, by which I mean allowing her son's death to destroy his commander-in-chief's one chance to relax and unwind."
Sheehan, whose son Casey died in Iraq in April 2004, has led a vigil outside of Bush's Crawford ranch since early August, urging the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq and demanding a meeting with Bush.
"This is a terrible tragedy," Bush said. "If this dead soldier of a son had the ounce of sense he needed to keep his worthless ass alive, my last few weeks might have been peaceful. I mourn the loss of the beautiful August mornings, and the sweet afternoons that could have been spent on the porch swing listening to the songbirds. All Americans mourn this loss."
When asked why he has refused to meet with Mrs. Sheehan, Bush said, "Listen, I came here to relax. I want to fish, go biking with Lance Armstrong, play with my dogs, chainsaw some brush, and get back to nature. 'Course, it's hard to do that when you have to constantly listen to the mother of some dummy who didn't have sense enough to stay out of a damned war zone."
Bush added: "I'm more exhausted today than I was when I started this vacation."
Security concerns stemming from the presence of the anti-war protesters gathered around Sheenan's "Camp Casey" prevented Bush from making public appearances in Crawford, including ordering his annual cheeseburger at Goode Company Barbeque.
"I was really looking forward to that burger," Bush said. "And I could have had it too, if it wasn't for that soldier getting his stupid ass blown off."
"We're supposed to be over there showing the Iraqis how to get it done, not acting just as dumb as they are with all their stupid dying," Bush added. "I tell you, it feels like every other month since I started this job, somebody gets himself killed just to mess up my holiday."
When asked to address recent public suggestions, including Sheehan's, of immediate withdrawal from Iraq in light of mounting casualties, Bush said, "I don't want to think about that now. We can discuss that back in Washington. For now, let's relax and have a good time."
White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Bush's remarks reflect the administration's stance on casualties.
"I think what President Bush is saying is that, while we certainly owe a debt of gratitude to our fine men and women serving abroad, we don't want the real dumb ones who die to interrupt our precious downtime," McClellan said. "It is the president's opinion, and that of the entire administration, that the best way to honor the brave sacrifices of our fallen soldiers is by enjoying a relaxing vacation and not thinking about their deaths."

The Greener Grass?

Amused Muse called me this morning and groused about her SO that is living with her "temporarily" until he got a job and gets back on his feet. He has had the job a week, after living with her for nearly two months.

When I remind her that she can have "relations" at any time, isn't that worth the "sh*t" she puts up with (which is petty, but she wasn't ready to have a live in), she explains that when it is "all about him", lol, and I know it is, that it isn't worth it. I won't go into details, but ladies, you know what I mean.

After several minutes, she said she was going to stop bitching now, and then continued for another 30 minutes...I was laughing out loud and often as she got it all out of her system.... or so I thought.

She just called again, and it is after 9 pm, which doesn't seem weird, but it is highly unusual for her to call me that late. She has had much to drink, but claims she is not out of rum yet, and she is still feeling like bitching. He has gone to bed, without so much as a "would you like to join me?" for her and she is unhappy and he is unhappy, and they are ignoring the pink elephant in the middle of the room. I asked her if she was trying to give me a good lesson in why I am better off not dating.... she just laughed...

Even if you have a decent man, I won't say good, because to me, he isn't "good" to her, but he is decent,

you have to be ready for him. She wasn't ready and he forced the situation because of his own selfishness. You would have to know the whole story to understand it. I can't tell you the whole story... .but I do know why I am attracted to men who don't live in my town, or even within a hundred miles...

Now if the cost of gas would go down, I would be a bit happier... today would have been a great beach day, so I think I will go next weekend.

Sweet Dreams

It is amazing what a good night's sleep does for me. I went to bed last night right after SNL came on, and I woke up at 9 this morning. That is the latest I have slept in forever, and the longest. It was great.

Yesterday, the muse was telling me how pissed she was that her SO woke her up in the morning when she was having a "sweet dream" and was wondering if I ever have those... if you know what I mean.

Ummm, yeah, and of late, pretty often, the difference... she knows who he is in her dreams, mine are different and people I don't know in real life.

I think my subconscious is taking care of some of my needs that I didn't know it could take care of.

LSS, a long night's sleep and plenty of sweet dreams coming my way...

Who could ask for anything more?

Opps.. sorry, of course I want more... but I am happy with what I have too... I haven't slept well in years, at least not consistently.

Sweet dreams to all of you...

I am a Social Liberal Socialist? Hmmmm Good To Know

I took the political test below. The link is included. d.K. had it on his blog and I was curious how it would come out for me.
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You are a Social Liberal (73% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (20% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Why I Blog

Alex is amazed I blog still and paid a nice compliment in a recent post about my continued blogging.

It is for my sanity, to get some stuff out of my system, to interact with others, some close to me and most not...

Not a big thing, just a thing... helps me stay sane... speaking of which... if someone asked you to describe your emotional stability...

Would you really tell them you were a step away from being a serial killer or have stalked people or if you were on meds? What a stupid question... everyone thinks they are a rational sane thinking human who is emotionally stable... I know, I was not near as sane as I am right now about 2 years ago, and I wouldn't have thought I was emotionally unstable, but I was....

and no, I am not on drugs, I was depressed, but I have "snapped" out of it...

I think I was just not getting enough chocolate for my sanity, but now I am .... esp. Chocolate Ice Box Pie

Chemistry, Camping, and Making a Fool of Myself

Once upon a time there was a lonely woman who was wooed (this would be great for teaching the letter W) by a wonderful man who is great with words. Yes, boys and girls, we have discussed him before and we will discuss him again. He is one of the measuring sticks I use to see if other men measure up.

I have joined an online dating service... against my better judgement but at the urging of some others in my life. It astounds me at how many of the men on the service who, in a very short time, have asked me if I feel like chemistry is important and if I think I should feel it on a first date, or upon meeting...

Well, yeah, you idiots, it helps doesn't it? Esp. at the beginning... because that is what makes you interested in someone you meet on the street, or in a bar, or at a gathering.... other than online dating services... and if it is a "by chance" meeting, not someone you see on a regular basis at work or something, instant chemistry works great.

With Mr. Waterworks (Happy Birthday, if you are reading), he has a presence in a room and I think the effect is consistently felt by all around him. He lights up a room... but then again, it might be that I light up when I see him, even if I am pissed at him (only happened once and then I felt bad about it). I am a giddy fool around him and do foolish things in order to try to stay in touch. Of course I don't make a fool out of myself often, just when I have been drinking (booty emails) and on the full moons... that is just once a month...

Chemistry makes it difficult to let those feelings go... you want to rekindle them and feel them again, because in that person's presence, you felt that way the entire time around them. It was stronger with Mr. H2O more than any other in recent years. The fact he doesn't like the word "good bye" makes it even harder. I think I could let it go completely if he just told me to.

The best camping trip I ever had, and I have been camping over a hundred times, was with him. The hiking, the drinking, the swimming, the cooking... esp. breakfast cooked as the sun came up, the music, the trip into town for ice cream to go with the cake, getting lost on the hike, getting rained on after grocery shopping, the lovemaking, the portable fan in the tent, the rose petals, the "cooler", and all other surprises, the tattoo applying (temporary dragon tattoo), all of it... I was on cloud nine the entire time.

All I can say, my friend, is I don't know when chemistry fades, and I will always remember... Not enough time, not enough wine, and not enough YOU> I miss you and when people ask me if chemistry is important, I want to say....It is dire.... and when it isn't there? well, I don't understand why it isn't there sometimes, but I can't conjur it up either.... even when I wish I could...

A Good Night's Sleep

I worked til nearly 8 yesterday, of course I am not near being ready for next week. Brought work home, did a bit of work on the computer at home and went to bed by 10 last night. Slept til 7 this morning, feel much better. Of course I woke up about 4 times in the night, startled by sounds. One was my oldest coming in from his night out. One was the cat knocking something off the dresser. One was the porchlight "shining" and it was bothering me, so I got up and turned it off. Once it was because I thought it was much later in the morning than it was, but at that point I had slept more than I have any night for weeks...

Feel great, am taking RJ to breakfast at the local Mexican food restaurant, and then working on my Master's work all day... it was suppose to be raining today, but it didn't, but I still have to work inside all day.

Edumacating Rita, I mean Alex about Rita

High winds, whirling around, torrential rains, and sea surges, or rises in the tides that are substantial.
Category ONE to FOUR, and all are serious.
After it hits land, the air, land, etc. slows it down, it dumps most of the rain, the other "highs" and "lows" of air on the land will determine if it just blows through, or if it stalls and sits and dumps more rain (as Rita is expected to do) but yes, the wind dies down, eventually. Tornadoes occur when the cold air mass of the hurricane hit the hot air mass over the land.

That is my own understanding, I am sure an expert meteorologist could edumacate you better than I, at least where weather is concerned.

Somebody doesn't want you to come to TX, but it isn't me... I can't wait to see if what WW told me is true...lol, (WW, don't tell him a thing, keep our secret)

Traffic Sucks

Due to the Hurricane evacuations.. I have had a hard day at work, and I wish I had a date this weekend...

It will get better, It will rain, It won't be necessary to drive anywhere this weekend,

BUT MOST OF ALL: I have RUM and Diet Coke... YUM YUM YUM

It's a Pirate's Life for Me

yes it is... I love that song by Jimmy Buffet, I could have been a Pirate in real life... in fact one of the schools I attended had Pirates for a mascot...

The Sun Has Set, The Day is Done

Today, boys and girls, is the official last day of Summer. Tomorrow is the Autumnal Equinox, meaning that the daylight hours and the night time hours will be equal in length.

That is your weather/time/space/season lesson for the day.

This was one of my best and worst summers of all time. I had a great time being on the beach so often, but some really not so good things occured as well.

I know I won't be back on the beach soon, because of all the nasty trash a hurricane washes up. I remember what it was like at Padre Island National Seashore 7 years ago...

Have a nice trip, see you next Fall...

There's a Storm Brewing

Nothing let's you know faster than 22 children, or 110 children.

All the children were very loud, out of control and those who are never problems caused problems today.

They have mandated evacuations in Galveston and Corpus. The traffic on the interstates was heavy today, and I am sure will continue to increase. Today was hot and tomorrow is suppose to be hot as well.

All things that were planned by my school district on Saturday have been rescheduled or cancelled.

Looks like it is gonna be a big one... we will see. I was in Corpus 7 years ago when they had a Hurricane... living there. It was not bad because it hit the King Ranch, so ranch land was all it blew over. No cattle or humans died.

Where I am, we are expecting high winds and rain... lots of rain.

Whirl Wind, you crack me up

I like you sloshed...

congrats on your acquisition of bloody wonderful art.

Sloshed? Man I wish I was...

The 16 year old skipped band (third time in 5 weeks), was out looking for cigarettes, left two butts in the yard (cigarette, not girls), rode his bike right by the house then rode off when I called him and he answered and I told him to come home. Apparently he is at the County Fair. His three guitars have "gone away" and so has his mp3 player. His dad doesn't care, his friends are telling him he is "effing" up. It doesn't stop him. If I am home, or if I am not, he does the same.... He is apparently either talking the clerk at the corner store into giving or selling him cigarettes... I am 'bout to nip that one in the bud with a call to the manager.

I wish I was sloshed, instead I am looking for my own "escape" but I haven't found him yet. I am actually contemplating trying online dating (again) and I am not looking forward to it.

I wish I was sloshed and making sexual innuendos about tongues in cheeks....lol...

Oh wait, I have frozen cosmos in the freezer...

I am on my way to being sloshed...

The down side of being a working girl

you miss out on the sex gossip between your blog buddies... what a bummer...


I have got to find a date... maybe I should take my car in for service, or attend a large sporting event, or hang out at gym by the men's dressing room door...

any suggestions accepted...lol

(this was a tongue in cheek post, don't take it too seriously)

AAARRRRR Matey

I love this, and I thought of WW when I read it...

http://www.savagechickens.com/blog/2005/09/talk-like-pirate.html

Mow Mow Mow

Woo Hoo... the yard is finally mowed. The Man/child has adopted a surrogate family for himself. They have a mower. He mowed their lawn. They sent their daughter over to mow our yard. Now it is done. Woo Hoo.

The kicker, I live in a duplex and we share a small yard in the front of the house then we each have a side yard by the driveway and then we each have a large back yard. The TACKY, and I mean TACKY and that is putting it kindly, neighbors only moved in in late July. The first time they mowed about 3 weeks ago, they chose to mow half, HALF< of the effing front yard, that is the size of a postage stamp... can you tell I was pissed?

LSS. I had the man/child mow the entire yard and he even volunteered to mow their side yard, but they declined the offer.

The neighbor I had before them was much kinder. She was in her 80's and we mowed for her often. When she had the yard done, she had them mow for us as well....

anyway, MOW MOW MOW, it is done... woohoo...

of course, my master's class work for the week is not, and I am conducting a staff development session tomorrow night on differentiating instruction using webquests in the classroom and I have NOT even put it together yet. I have taught it before, so it shouldn't be a biggie...

d.K., the weekend was a good one, mixed with the bad, but hey, that's life... it could have been worse... my yard might still be needing a mow.

Collateral

Yesterday I watched Collateral, the movie, for the first time. I love the first scenes where Jamie Lee Fox picks up the attorney at the airport and they flirt and he gives her his "vacation" that he takes several times a day. It is the best scene in the whole movie for me, although I did think the entire movie was great. My favorite part was where he was sitting there, shaking his head after she got out of the cab. It was like he was saying "There was your chance, you idiot, and you just let it walk away".

I try to take advantage of the chances that do come my way, even when they aren't like the one depicted in this scene, but it isn't always possible.

Here is one I am still kicking myself over.

Last week sometime, we found out at work that one of our cohorts (another K teacher) may not be with us all year. Her mother has lupus and it is advancing quickly. So that evening I dropped by the local grocery store in my small town. I needed groceries but I also wanted to get something for her. I went to the floral area (yes, we sell flowers at the grocery store) and was looking at what was in the refrigerated case. I was looking for something pink.... you know, pink lights etc.... anyway, there was a gorgeous, very small, tightly gathered bunch of pale pale pink roses so I looked at them first. Then I put them back and was going to look a little more. Then out of the corner of my eye, some small, miniature rose plants caught my eye. I turned toward them, and this guy, out of nowhere nearly walked right over me. He said hi and I said hi and we both smiled, then we both put our heads down and walked away. I got the mini rose plant (pink of course) and he started to look at a bouquet but then walked away.

I checked out at the counter a little later, and I saw him with two bottles of wine and a dozen roses in a vase...

so yeah, timing sucks doesn't it? lol, but it was a moment I will remember for quite a while...

And I will be shopping at that store more often, just in case the timing gets better...

The Moon

Usually I leave for work when it is still dark outside. AND, These days, I sometimes return home when it is dark outside. So, it is fairly easy to look up at the moon and pay attention. I do watch to see when the full moon is, because it affects us all, but it really is evident in children. The moon does more than determine the tides. Plus it is quite amazing on a dark night.

So, Yes d.k. I may be doing something right... I am enjoying what I have... and I pay closer attention to details, something I have always done, and now that I am working with 5 year olds, I do it even more, because they do it too.

Find your inner child, do what you love and have great friends... it isn't so bad, but it doesn't fill the other void I have... but it does make it not feel so empty.

I have been working at school tonight and then drinking and talking to RJ. It is pumpkin time now, so good night all, I hope to sleep in, and enjoy my clean sheets in my very own bed.

WOOHOO It's Friday WOOHOO

This has been the busiest week. I have stayed late every day but Wednesday, when I went to Happy Hour... yes, I needed to get happy, and it helped... for a little while. Tomorrow I have a staff development session to attend all day, today I have to stay until I am completely ready for next week, and next week I have morning duty in the cafeteria all week (that's why I have to be so prepared by the end of the evening today).

UGH, it is still a busy week.

The upside? I saw the moon last night while driving home (yes it was 10 pm) and it is gorgeous... the air is nice out that time of night too...

Oh and I love what I am doing, that helps doesn't it. Now I just have to quit spending my own money on my classroom or I am not going to have groceries or gas for my car the rest of the month...

A Hurricane of two will do the trick

I feel much better after Happy Hour and a few Hurricanes and a BLT. I even played a decent game of pool against RJ. Yes, SouthernGirl, pink roses and carnations, with Purple Tahoka Daisies, and yellow daisies, all my favorite colors..and flowers... he did well and is a good friend, who I am finding, pays closer attention than I thought he did.

We went, we had nasty hurricanes at Pat O'Briens, and some appetizers that were questionable, music that was obnoxious and too loud, then we went to play pool at Bombay Bicycle club and have another drink or two, and I had a BLT since I hadn't eaten all day except for the appetizers at Pats... then I drove the very long drive home... Overall I found it easier to deal with the problem child, not resent coming home, and a more relaxed feeling... drinking does have it's upside... but I do understand people who don't drink, it is a fine line I walk... I don't like drinking too much, I have seen what that is like and what it does to others... at the same time, a good escape, when I can't afford a ticket to Italy, works well to help me deal with my day to day BS.

This weekend I watched The Upside of Anger, I think I have already noted that I could really identify with this movie, but I will say it again... I never realized how angry I was or how it was manifesting itself within me until I saw this movie... now to just find the equivalent to Kevin Costner.... or not... and be ok with it ....

The Man/Child strikes again

Took the Man/Child to eat with me yesterday, after spending all my quarters (not state quarters, but older ones, I save every state quarter I get) vacuuming out the Honda. I was hot, tired, and had a car that was a bit cleaner on the inside, so I was feeling good. I felt generous, told him he could go if he would help with Kitchen and Bathroom cleaning. He agreed. When we got home, he watched TV, then announced he was going to a friend's house to watch a movie.... and promised he would not go anywhere today (Sunday) until the cleaning was done.

I did some of my stuff, then watched The Upside Of Anger (good flick) and fell asleep about 9 pm. I went to bed, didn't take my cell phone with me, since I was snoozing in the chair, and didn't think about it.

Woke up at midnight, youngest man/child wasn't home... found my cell phone, there is a message, he has taken it upon himself to determine that it was ok to stay over at the friend's house. It was not. I called the number back, no answer. I couldn't go back to sleep, I watched TV, fell asleep after 2. Woke up about 8 this morning, waited til 10 and called. Told the m/c to come home NOW.... that I was not happy....

Why do they think that what they do doesn't effect/affect anyone else? I am so angry, I made him the list of all the things to do before I consider the kitchen and bathroom clean. Took away the futon mattress and said that he should have it done before I leave at 4. We will see....

I am sure I will be re-cleaning... but oh well...

Heck, I wish I had someone to spend the night with.... so I understand the feeling although I hope the lines aren't as parallel as they could be.

To man, distance is safety, to women, closeness is safety. This is not only in the physical reality but in the mental sense.

This is a quote from Mr. Mercedes. It pretty much embodies all that I have been trying to convey to a friend of mine who is questioning why people do the things they do. It also explains why my friend who lives in a cave and doesn't want to tell me "how" he is doing, does what he does... and I don't know how it will all turn out, but I hope he sees the light at the end of the cave...

My controversial political post for the week....

This more or less sums up why we are having trouble with the people we have now at Camp Gruber (from New Orleans).
We have taken 7 handguns from them and over 30 knives since they have arrived. Gang members are wearing their colors and were making others pay to use the rest rooms, fights every few hours. Most have no intent of contacting anyone or to go any where. They want everything provided for them and no takers for the jobs that have been offered them by local retailers.

"Bubba" (My Brother shared this with me in an email... I know it is lame for me to use it as my political post, but it is good)


An Unnatural Disaster: A Hurricane Exposes the Man-Made Disaster of
the Welfare State

by Robert Tracinski
Sep 02, 2005




by Robert Tracinski
It has taken four long days for state and federal officials to figure
out how to deal with the disaster in New Orleans. I can't blame them,
because it has also taken me four long days to figure out what is going
on there. The reason is that the events there make no sense if you
think that we are confronting a natural disaster.


If this is just a natural disaster, the response for public officials
is obvious: you bring in food, water, and doctors; you send
transportation to evacuate refugees to temporary shelters; you send
engineers to stop the flooding and rebuild the city's infrastructure.
For journalists, natural disasters also have a familiar pattern: the
heroism of ordinary people pulling together to survive; the hard work
and dedication of doctors, nurses, and rescue workers; the steps being
taken to clean up and rebuild.


Public officials did not expect that the first thing they would have
to do is to send thousands of armed troops in armored vehicle, as if
they are suppressing an enemy insurgency. And journalists--myself
included--did not expect that the story would not be about rain, wind,
and flooding, but about rape, murder, and looting.


But this is not a natural disaster. It is a man-made disaster.


The man-made disaster is not an inadequate or incompetent response by
federal relief agencies, and it was not directly caused by Hurricane
Katrina. This is where just about every newspaper and television
channel has gotten the story wrong.


The man-made disaster we are now witnessing in New Orleans did not
happen over the past four days. It happened over the past four decades.
Hurricane Katrina merely exposed it to public view.


The man-made disaster is the welfare state.


For the past few days, I have found the news from New Orleans to be
confusing. People were not behaving as you would expect them to behave
in an emergency--indeed, they were not behaving as they have behaved in
other emergencies. That is what has shocked so many people: they have
been saying that this is not what we expect from America. In fact, it
is not even what we expect from a Third World country.


When confronted with a disaster, people usually rise to the occasion.
They work together to rescue people in danger, and they spontaneously
organize to keep order and solve problems. This is especially true in
America. We are an enterprising people, used to relying on our own
initiative rather than waiting around for the government to take care
of us. I have seen this a hundred times, in small examples (a small
town whose main traffic light had gone out, causing ordinary citizens
to get out of their cars and serve as impromptu traffic cops, directing
cars through the intersection) and large ones (the spontaneous response
of New Yorkers to September 11).


So what explains the chaos in New Orleans?


To give you an idea of the magnitude of what is going on, here is a
description from a Washington Times story:


"Storm victims are raped and beaten; fights erupt with flying fists,
knives and guns; fires are breaking out; corpses litter the streets;
and police and rescue helicopters are repeatedly fired on.


"The plea from Mayor C. Ray Nagin came even as National Guardsmen
poured in to restore order and stop the looting, carjackings and
gunfire....


"Last night, Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco said 300 Iraq-hardened
Arkansas National Guard members were inside New Orleans with
shoot-to-kill orders.


" 'These troops are...under my orders to restore order in the
streets,' she said. 'They have M-16s, and they are locked and loaded.
These troops know how to shoot and kill and they are more than willing
to do so if necessary and I expect they will.' "


The reference to Iraq is eerie. The photo that accompanies this
article shows National Guard troops, with rifles and armored vests,
riding on an armored vehicle through trash-strewn streets lined by a
rabble of squalid, listless people, one of whom appears to be yelling
at them. It looks exactly like a scene from Sadr City in Baghdad.


What explains bands of thugs using a natural disaster as an excuse for
an orgy of looting, armed robbery, and rape? What causes unruly mobs to
storm the very buses that have arrived to evacuate them, causing the
drivers to drive away, frightened for their lives? What causes people
to attack the doctors trying to treat patients at the Super Dome?


Why are people responding to natural destruction by causing further
destruction? Why are they attacking the people who are trying to help
them?


My wife, Sherri, figured it out first, and she figured it out on a
sense-of-life level. While watching the coverage last night on Fox News
Channel, she told me that she was getting a familiar feeling. She
studied architecture at the Illinois Institute of Chicago, which is
located in the South Side of Chicago just blocks away from the Robert
Taylor Homes, one of the largest high-rise public housing projects in
America. "The projects," as they were known, were infamous for
uncontrollable crime and irremediable squalor. (They have since,
mercifully, been demolished.)


What Sherri was getting from last night's television coverage was a
whiff of the sense of life of "the projects." Then the "crawl"--the
informational phrases flashed at the bottom of the screen on most news
channels--gave some vital statistics to confirm this sense: 75% of the
residents of New Orleans had already evacuated before the hurricane,
and of the 300,000 or so who remained, a large number were from the
city's public housing projects. Jack Wakeland then gave me an
additional, crucial fact: early reports from CNN and Fox indicated that
the city had no plan for evacuating all of the prisoners in the city's
jails--so they just let many of them loose. There is no doubt a
significant overlap between these two populations--that is, a large
number of people in the jails used to live in the housing projects, and
vice versa.


There were many decent, innocent people trapped in New Orleans when
the deluge hit--but they were trapped alongside large numbers of people
from two groups: criminals--and wards of the welfare state, people
selected, over decades, for their lack of initiative and self-induced
helplessness. The welfare wards were a mass of sheep--on whom the
incompetent administration of New Orleans unleashed a pack of wolves.


All of this is related, incidentally, to the apparent incompetence of
the city government, which failed to plan for a total evacuation of the
city, despite the knowledge that this might be necessary. But in a city
corrupted by the welfare state, the job of city officials is to ensure
the flow of handouts to welfare recipients and patronage to political
supporters--not to ensure a lawful, orderly evacuation in case of
emergency.


No one has really reported this story, as far as I can tell. In fact,
some are already actively distorting it, blaming President Bush, for
example, for failing to personally ensure that the Mayor of New Orleans
had drafted an adequate evacuation plan. The worst example is an
execrable piece from the Toronto Globe and Mail, by a supercilious
Canadian who blames the chaos on American "individualism." But the
truth is precisely the opposite: the chaos was caused by a system that
was the exact opposite of individualism.


What Hurricane Katrina exposed was the psychological consequences of
the welfare state. What we consider "normal" behavior in an emergency
is behavior that is normal for people who have values and take the
responsibility to pursue and protect them. People with values respond
to a disaster by fighting against it and doing whatever it takes to
overcome the difficulties they face. They don't sit around and complain
that the government hasn't taken care of them. They don't use the chaos
of a disaster as an opportunity to prey on their fellow men.


But what about criminals and welfare parasites? Do they worry about
saving their houses and property? They don't, because they don't own
anything. Do they worry about what is going to happen to their
businesses or how they are going to make a living? They never worried
about those things before. Do they worry about crime and looting? But
living off of stolen wealth is a way of life for them.


The welfare state--and the brutish, uncivilized mentality it sustains
and encourages--is the man-made disaster that explains the moral
ugliness that has swamped New Orleans. And that is the story that no
one is reporting.


Source: TIA Daily -- September 2, 2005


Now, I can see this point, but I also think there is some problems with the way Fema handled it and the local, state and national govt. but it is an intresting view of what has happened and why....

W0RK WORK WORK, THAT'S ALL I EVER DO

This post is for Whirlwind, so she can understand the life of this teacher.

I work in schools with kids whose parents, for the most part, have not worked with them at home to learn:
letters
numbers
how to spell their name
how to write their name
how to use a pair of scissors
how to color with crayons

So when I get them I don't know what they can do or what they can't. I have to figure that out as we go and it is like herding cats. They all want to talk about themselves and if you pose a question to the class... at least three of the ones you call on ask if they can get a drink or go potty.

I actually found myself answering a student who asked me another question like I was a kid the other day... out of exhaustion.

I have not taught Kinder before. I have always wanted to. It is the hardest work I have ever done, and I am loving it.

I did not have all the "manipulatives" I wanted to have, and many have to be "made" or produced to fit what I want them to.

For instance: This week the letter we are learning is R... I know I know, we don't follow the alphabet and I don't know why but I am not asking that question... I can't question everything.

I have to figure out things that start with R... now before you think of them for me, I have already pulled all my stuff for them, so if you want to be helpful, look at S or B for me.
I have a box of stuff from a hundred years ago that another teacher pawned off on me. I look through it, there is some great stuff, Rabbit, Raccoon, Raft Races, Racing Car races, etc. I have to create centers that go with it, along with learning centers with homemade playdoh (which I hope to make tomorrow if I can find a good recipe), and projects for them to take home to remember the letter R. I have all that, we are going to make a Rabbit puzzle, you color and cut out and he is by an R. There is a Racing Raccoon story book they will color cut out and put in order after I read the story to them on the felt board (thank goodness the story was already done by the hundred year old teacher) and then we will make racing rafts out of popsicle sticks and paint them red. (thought about rainbow painting...nah, too much)
then there is the raccoon paperbag puppet, and the paper racetrack and cars to use with magnets to race.

And my friends, that is just for the letter R. We are reading Mary Wore Her Red Dress, working on sequencing, we have to make a bubble map, read the chants, read the poems, have time to have guided reading in a small book, find the words that start with R. Find the words that are the sight words we are learning for the week, last week they were can and am, I am not sure what they are this week...read alouds that work with the letter R, like Little Red Riding Hood, the Little Red Hen, Clifford the big Red dog... and we are working with all the colors, not just red, in Math. Sorting and shapes is the math.. have to learn all the shapes, and colors, which most of my students know, but some don't. Then throw 3-D shapes in. Bring two food boxes, two cans, some ice cream cones and party hats to school as a demo...

My list of supplies is endless and I haven't even gone over Math centers or Science or Social Studies.

The woman who was in the room before me knew she wasn't going to teach again, much less in our district, she wanted to be a principal, so she left me a mess, I don't know what I have or recognize some things for what they are until I hear what I need some times. Then I go, oh yeah, I saw that, where did I put it? I don't know.

It takes time to prepare, I am a perfectionist, feeling my way through it for the first year... plus I always have the "oh but I want to do this instead" syndrome, so that means more preparation. While I am there with kids, they have to have the entire day with attention. I get nothing done besides them so I have to be ready... and each day, someone says, you need this poster made by such and such, or you should have this on your wall, and I have something else I have to create from scratch... it all takes time. So yeah, I stay late, I go to Make and Takes, which is where I was Thursday, and an ATPE dinner (prof. org). I take professional dev. sessions, and I write very detailed lesson plans, I teach myself a new song a week. I like the days of the week sung to the Addams Family theme, so I don't mind singing it everyday. I don't want to sing a song I don't like.

I just set up the listening center yesterday so the kids can listen to books on tape and go through the books. I pulled the tapes that go with my big books and chants and poems, so I can play them sometimes instead of reading.

Then we go to Art, Music, PE, computer lab, library, and counselor, and my class is split for specials, Art Music and PE. So, five of each go with another class, and I have to keep up with all their rotating schedules and if they made it to that place...

and much much more. Yesterday they handed me progress reports... I put them down and said that when someone explained to me what I was suppose to consider I would fill them out.

I don't get in a hurry like I once did. If I don't send something home the same day the office gives it to me, I don't care... I will send it the next day.. unless time is of the essence, then I do.

I suspect that teachers who have taught Kinder for years can leave shortly after school is out, esp. if their students came to them with more skills and there is parental involvement by all parents, or almost all parents. I don't fit into any of those categories, so it multiplies (as someone else said to me, and I love the analogy) exponentially in the amount of time I spend preparing for each week.

When parents or other adults come in, and they see what herding 22 baby cats is like, they usually say something to the tune of "I don't know how you do it).

I don't either, but I love it.

THE LIST for Weekend

SATURDAY

Write in my blog *check
Clean out the car *check
Wash the car (have to do it, have put it off way too long) rain clouds showed up as soon as I cleaned out the car, so I waited til Sunday
Buy a mower
Work on my masters work *check
Start writing my lesson plans
clean the kitchen
clean the bathroom

SUNDAY
Finish my master's class stuff for the week
Finish writing my lesson plans
Pay bills
Clean my room *check
MOW THE YARD (yeah I know, I am finally going to get it done) * the lawnmower gods are with me, it is raining today, cannot mow
Shop for groceries
Write in my blog *check
Invite a friend out for his birthday this month (he has been in his cave much tooo long) *check

AND, because SG said I should have some fun, I am going to Pat O'Briens down on the riverwalk in San Antonio on Sunday evening for "Hurricane Relief", what better way for me to support the relief effort, than to drink Hurricanes ? They are donating part or all of the proceeds to the cause or so Amused Muse tells me... I have entangled RJ to join me, so all you single ladies in San Antonio come out and let him meet you... lol

*(he just paid me back for the birthday wishes through the blog by sending me flowers and there were pink ones included, so I wonder what he will do when he reads this.... sometimes paybacks can be good hee hee hee)

Jealousy

In a statement: Jealousy is an outward manifestation of the insecurities that lie within.

Do I ever get jealous? sure, I am just as insecure as the next person, or maybe I have some insecurities but they aren't as great as the next persons... or should I have said "they aren't as BAD as..."

Recognize them in others, their tendencies to dictate what you do, who you talk to, or their behavior when you do things or see people.

Amused Muse has altered her life for her SO who is staying with her right now until he finds a job. That was an agreement made over a month ago. He is still there, hasn't looked for a job much and is driving her nuts. She has not talked to friends, seen friends, taken care of friends and let friends take care of her in time of need (a mutual friend died) because he is insecure and jealous... and her response to me was "It isn't worth what I come home to, if I go out with you or "so and so" .

Now they have had "a talk" about what is driving her nuts and she did all the talking and he didn't say much, so she is more upset...

I try really hard not to be jealous, and I like it when men have friends, that shows they have a life, which I want them to esp. if I am dating them, but yeah, at some point any of us can get jealous. I see opportunities or situations in other's lives where it might be a problem, and I am thankful I am not any more jealous than I am, which is not much.

(This Post is dedicated to the AngryAnteater)

Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

My problem child was caught with a mouse in his pocket at school, and someone gave him money "because he was hungry and was going to get some popcorn after school".

I am home, it is late, I know nothing, I see nothing.... Seargent from Hogan's Heroes...

I have been talking to my son for an hour and a half, I don't think I scratched the surface of his thick skull, but at least I got some of it out of my system...

I will check back in with everyone tomorrow... goodnight.

Out of Africa

I have seen this movie many times. However, I do believe that fate took a hand in it being on TV this weekend, on a channel with few commercials.

Last week I talked to someone who had been reading my blog. They said that my blog had a theme of loneliness. I laughed because I had to agree. Then they went on to say, in a very nice way, that we essentially are all alone. Sort of that "we come into the world alone and we go out alone". I understood what they meant.

In Out of Africa, the main character played by Meryl Streep, marries a man out of convenience and moves to a farm in Africa. She essentially doesn't know her husband, nor he her. They do get to know each other, but he goes off "hunting" etc. all the time... she has gotten comfortable having him around. LSS... she get syphilis from her husband and cannot have children, even though she wanted them.

Dennis and Barkly are great friends to her. They sit around telling each other stories (ummm the modern day folks use blogs for the same type of communication). She has a crush on Dennis and he on her.

They start a relationship. He is content with seeing her. She loves having him around but they speak nothing of the everyday business of running the coffee farm. They only tell stories and enjoy each other's company. She wants more, and she asks if he would marry her. He asks if she thinks a piece of paper would make him love her any more than he already does. He explains that we are basically alone, and that even though he likes having her in his life and him in hers, that some things just will not change. He will continue to leave to do business other places. He wants to know why she would ask more of him than he can give...

In the end, she does give in to his way of thinking... what I needed to hear was the theme of being alone and yet having others in your life. I just wish I could find the love as great as conveyed by their story... then I remember I have had that love... but just as with them, circumstances made it not possible to last for very long, much less than with Meryl and Dennis... maybe that was all I was suppose to have... time will tell...

So the moral of this story is that I am coping with being alone, but trying my damnedest not to be lonely...

I have a best friend, Amused Muse who is extremely frustrated with her SO, and when I hear those stories, I realize I have it pretty good in some respects...

M star A star S star H

Sunday there was a marathon of episodes of M*A*S*H. Many years ago I watched them on tv each week... then when they were in reruns I watched it often. I have a close friend who can quote from episodes, ummm I don't know them quite that well...

Anyway, I did watch several while I was working on other things, esp. the school stuff I was doing, gave me them the op. to really pay more attention than I might normally. I finally saw some of what my friend sees... even though I knew they were cleverly written and truthful and honest... they also

conveyed life

showed how Hawkeye and Trapper John felt even though they didn't talk about "how" they were doing.

showed the best of us and the worst of us

showed that we are all human

It is a great show. I laughed out loud and that doesn't happen very often. Good, clever, well written work always get my attention and turns my head.

VOODOO Revenge

Quite a while back, maybe last October or the one before that, I was at Bookpeople in Austin for a book signing by David Sedaris (he is so funny, esp. in person). I saw a VOODOO doll, I thought it hilarious, and given my state of mind with many people in my life, I bought it....

This weekend, while doing the dirty deeds so I could go to the beach, I was at the bookstore (Hastings, this time) looking at children's books, and then in the sea of confusing titles there is this little inconspicuous book with a white doll with a pin stuck in his ass. The title was The VOODOO Revenge book with the catchy phrase at the bottom that let it be known this was going to be my "stress management class assignment for the year" it said

An anger management program you can really stick with....

I am reading up, so beware, all of you, that pain in the ass might just be from my doll and the instructions in this book... so call me before you go to the chiropractor.

Happy Birthday to RockJock

Yes, that's right, today, Labor Day is RJ's birthday. He had an invitation to the beach, he turned it down. So everyone go to his blog and wish him a great day. He needs some cheering up. Seems he was stood up this weekend (not by me) and he is having a mini "Oh My God, I am how old? and what do I have to show for it? Party" You know the one, the Mid Life one, that party.... Tell him he has raised a great daughter, he is a great friend, and even though others don't reciprocate, it isn't what you get, it is what you give... The title of his blog, if you don't know is fool's gold and if you haven't figured it out yet, he is a geologist.
http://rocksforjocks.blogspot.com/

Happy Birthday RJ, I hope the BBQ turned out well.

Life's a Beach

Zippety Do Dah Zippety A, My oh My, What a Wonderful Day, Plenty of sunshine coming my way...

Yes, fellow bloggers and lurking readers (yes, I know you are out there, and that is just fantastifastical), I went to the beach today.

The original plan was to go to the beach yesterday or Saturday, but I decided I didn't want to have to rush home to finish something I had to have done before tomorrow, so I did all that stinky stuff on Sat. and Sun. and today.... today I had a rip roaring time at the beach.

I am so glad that Pepe La Pew joined me, for indeed, just as Alex had predicted, no one came anywhere near us. I couldn't see the whites of anyone's eyes, I couldn't hear anyone's screaming children (yes, I love them, but I spend most of my time with 22 five year olds each week, the last thing I want to hear at the beach is a screaming brat), or anyone's obnoxiously loud and lewd music.

I drove to the National Seashore at Corpus Christi. It is 20 bucks for a year pass, and I usually go about once a month, and in the summer more often, so it is worth it. At the "ranger station" where they check your pass, there is a sign describing the tide, the status of the water, the sand, when the high/low tides are and any warnings... today was a great day. It was almost low tide when I got there and if I stayed til the last minute before returning home (which I did) it would be high tide. There weren't any Man of Wars, or blue jelly fish (lol), always good to know, and then I saw IT>.. the warning>>>>

2 wheel drive vehicles should avoid the south beach, the sand is soft and people will get stuck.... Oh bummer
was my first thought... then I remembered... my vehicle is a 4wd.... woohoo, South beach here we come....

You may ask, how could I forget I have a 4wd vehicle.... well simple simon, I drive a Honda, it has 4wd that automatically kicks in when it is needed, and up to this point, I have never needed it. Plus I gave the car, my good workhorse car, to my son for graduation, so I haven't been driving this one much until then....

LSShort, soft sand equals fewer folks down the beach, I had a great spot all to my lonesome. Shortly after arriving and deciding where the chair would go and where the cooler would sit, I was walking back to the car to get something, and I saw the sand move... ok, I thought it was the sand moving... it was grandpa ghost crab... who you usually only see at night... I say grandpa, because it was about 7 inches in diameter and I don't think I have seen a ghost crab on the beach that was that large before. He stopped in his tracks when he realized he was in my shadow. I played cat and mouse with him a bit, and then I told him he should get out of the road before he got run over.

*An aside: Did you know that crabs have one claw larger than the other so they can tear food apart with the big one and put it in their mouth with the other one.

I played in the surf, sat in the sand in the shallow water and played in the sand and sat in the sun for a great while, reading my HP book... I have had it awhile but haven't been able to justify reading for pleasure when I have so much else to read for class or work. Finally I got the lounging chair from the car and laid down on my stomach. I was reading and moved my swim suit down around my hips to get more back sun.... uh... oops... I fell asleep... I have no idea how long I slept, but it had to be over an hour... I woke up, because I was hot and somewhat thirsty and I had a headache, I instantly knew I was a crispy critter, so I drank some fluids and pigged out on pistachios. I went back out into the surf and played awhile, always careful not to cross the second sand bar (some crusty salty old fisherman told me that sharks don't usually come inside the second sand bar). Then I went back and sat in the sun and read my book some more.

There weren't any seashells on the seashore, I guess Sally sold them all, so no souvenirs this trip, unless you count this pink backside of mine.

I was there from 10 am til 6 pm and I wanted to stay longer. I think you can all see what wonders it does for me. I can't wait to go back. If gas wasn't so high, I would go every weekend.

The sun, the surf, the wind in my hair, the salt in the air, I am home...

I Can't Get "My Brain Around It"

This is how a radio DJ described his thoughts on the devastation in New Orleans. It was so hard for him to fathom, the death, the destruction, etc.

I can relate to that. I don't really know anyone there like SG does. I haven't ever even been there, like d.k., who lived there and loved it. I don't anyone it directly affected, except my co-worker, who I just met a few weeks ago.

The hurricane isn't the only idea or happening that I can't get my brain around. I have a good friend, who was having a bad day yesterday and when I spoke to him, he couldn't really convey what was going on. I think his children were near and he didn't want to speak where they could hear.

Being the curious cat that I am, after we hung up, deciding we would talk today, I started pondering what could have been the matter.... a woman perhaps... or a child problem, or an ex problem, or a family member... oh yeah, his mom is in a long term facility and he doesn't seem to think she will get to the point she can go home again, but the rest of the family does. I cannot get my brain around the idea of losing your mom.... my mom is my strength some days... I like calling her and asking about the recipe to the biscuits or how many onions to put in a meat loaf or how to get a stain up or wax out of the carpet... I cannot fathom losing her, and yet I can't even relate to my friend, because it is something I don't want to think about in my own life.

I realized all of this as I drove home yesterday. I don't talk about these things, hurricanes, mom's with major health problems, and I am sure many other things that would devastate me. I am like the proverbial ostrich with her head in the sand. It is easier to ignore than to face, just as it was, for a great while, easier to ignore the theft of my things by my son, than to think of your child stealing from you, with no conscience of right and wrong.

I think it all comes from watching the destruction an alcoholic parent can create in a family. My father was so horrible to everyone but me. I had to ignore the bad behavior from a very young age so I could believe what I wanted to believe. Somehow, as an adult, I do the same thing, but not to the same extent. I hope, at least, it is not to a greater extent.