E D

What does ED mean to you?

Is it a name, as in a horse? or short for Edward?

Is it EDucation?

Is it something you put after your name after you have your doctorial education or Masters degree in education?

My new friend, Mr. Turnaround
has this great answer for why things didn't go well
in his marriage
or have trouble with other people
and since he works with special ed students
he thinks these "problem" people
are
ED.

Now he didn't explain to me his definition of this
prescription or description of others
because I am also in education
so he
assumed I knew what he meant

and in my book
ED is Emotionally Disturbed

Oh Fuck,

I am ED

so I told him
I am ED

and of course he asked me why I said it

because I am

in my book we all are
to some degree

I mean

come on
I like to know when I am going to see him again

My emotions are a roller coaster
or in most minds

I am moody

but hey
at least I seem alive
and not a zombie
who has no personality
and I am
not so
ED
that I am off the charts
and need a padded room
(although, many days I wish I had one)

so

once again
he left
with no hint at when I would see him again

and I sat here
getting more pissed off
by the minute

I mean
this man showed up at my door on Friday night who didn't care if we went somewhere or sat here.
then he had a bright idea to go to the liquor store and buy stuff to make margaritas and I said ok, let's go... (ummm take note, I don't drink tequila, and he did already know this about me)
so we did
and came back with all the stuff
and stood in my kitchen and mixed them
I drank them anyway
and they were actually good
but I knew I would pay for it
and boy did I
but not in the way I thought I would

He drank way too much in a very short time (3 hours)
and the next thing I know, I am standing over him
outside
as he lost his cookies all over my front yard
in front of my neighbors
If he had long hair, I would have been holding it back
for him
then (30 + minutes later)
sat with him on the couch as he crouched over
with his elbows on his knees and his head on his arms
He was too dizzy to sit up,
much less sit up
so with wet cloth in hand
to cool him off
I am sat and and held and cooled him off for 2+ hours
and then we turned and I held him on the couch until I fell asleep and woke up at 3 am and made him
go upstairs and lay down so I could at least sleep
I mean, he wasn't driving home
he barely made it up the stairs

he slept it off
got up to go watch a football game his son was playing in
and got queazy when he drank some water and took some Tylenol.

It was not a fun evening.
He did, at least come come back
and eat lunch and talk to me a bit
but then left
just as much of an enigma
as usual
and I didn't take it well.

and then I wonder
why?

why do I care?
I am still trying to figure that out....

positive thinking? We are both trying to sabottage something that could be really great.... and he isn't much of a drinker.... as Walker would say "Goodie, more for me".

Halloween Parties

The muse has twisted my arm
ok
so she didn't have to twist very hard

but we are going to attend a Halloween Party

A Halloween COSTUME Party

and she has had a great time coming up with her costume

and everything I wanted to do
would have taken more preparation
and money than I have of time and money right now

so.... hmmmm I always went to parties
and dressed up
not that many years ago
on Halloween


I have been a
witch
Half Man / Half Woman
Scarecrow
Siren
Conehead (from SNL)
Gorilla
Pumpkin

and yes those are all as adults

oh and have worn a Toga or two

but renting
or making
I can't do

so what do I have still

the Gorilla,
that's not sexy

the conehead and cape

hmmm maybe

oh wait

I can wear my wedding dress
(which I love and know I will never sell or wear again for such a reason)

and I have tennis shoes

yeah

that's the ticket

The Runaway Bride

Now... my mom is shipping it
It will have a most disgusting odor of smoke
when it arrives

and I will not have it cleaned

it will be smokey where we are going...

but can I fit into it? that is the question..

It will be fun to see
I don't think I can just yet
or even by Halloween
but the muse
is a whiz
as a seamstress so
she will come to my rescue

and I will get to feel as pretty
as I did the day I got married
and for that

any party is worth it...

TGIF: I have a date with Mr. Turnaround

This week has been a stressful one where work is concerned
I am really glad it is over
Or at least nearly over

AND I have a date with Mr. Turnaround
I am really excited about that
since neither of us
has to get up early in the morning
so we don't have to
worry about going home and going to sleep
so we aren't zombies
tomorrrow

I don't know what we are going to do
but I do know
that he has to be at the highschool ball game gate
so that students of the Jr. High can get in for free
and RJ thinks I should surprise him there
but I am not so sure

I look forward to Fridays
but they seem to be
my melt down day

I am so exhausted from working my ass off all week
that I just melt down and veg out
when work is over
or I fall asleep on the couch

so I am not so sure
I will be much fun
on my date
but I do know
that I am really looking forward to seeing him

and he even said that he would go
to the haunted house with me

that's a big plus

so we will see

The World Series Starts Saturday
I know that he will be watching that
and I might get offered a ticket to watch it with him
if I don't distract him

hmmmm not even during the commericials?

Dang...

yes I am still giddy, yes even RJ,
who saw me Wednesday,
says I have that stupid grin

I hope I don't get my heart broken again
at least not soon
because I am finding it harder and harder
to open my heart to someone
each time

but so far
this time
is all good

no dishonesty
or lying (that I know of)
and pretty straight forward

although hard to read at times

Hot Date

Mr. Turnaround called this morning

We were chatting about our weekends.

Then he asked what I was doing right then,

(honestly, I was checking email to see if he had written) and I said "I am just about ready to go to work"
and we talked some more
and then I asked him what he was doing

"Driving"

"Where are you going at ten after six? You are never at work before 7:45... "

"Thought I would come by and wish you a good day before you go to work"

AHHHHHHH How Sweet....

I was so pleasantly surprised...

and then
then I got a hot date for tonight... woo hoo

came home early to walk and clean up a bit...

have to go now

Hope you know how big the grin on my face is right now...

and has been all day.

A Brand New Day

Eventually an electrician came
to take care of my smoldering outlet

whoa, that could be the first line of a fantasy post
but it isn't.

He really did come and fix the outlet in the dining room. It only took 6 hours to get a response out of the management...

the good thing about renting
someone else has to pay the electrician

the bad thing about renting
you have to wait for the management to get things done
and hope they do it right.

anyway, afterwards the Muse and I
went on a progressive jello shot geocaching tour near my house. Everytime we found a cache, we took a jello shot. That was a great, cheap, fun afternoon, then we came home and I made stew and she went home to her house, because we couldn't sit outside when it started raining.

It is still raining at my house, but that is ok,
I am going to see Mr. Duvall this afternoon
so that I can enjoy my rainy day to the fullest extent.

It is a brand new day, I am in a much better mental state and I am looking forward to a great afternoon.

I Started a Scary Fire

First of all

Breakfast was great on Thursday
but no prospects on when
the next date will be
I am trying to be patient
but I find
I am more impatient
each time
and I like knowing when I will see
someone I really like again

but again, I am trying to be patient

Now
on to the shit

I have had 3, count them, 3 shitty days
I have taken them harder
that they truly were
but to me
all three (and this is just the beginning of the third)
have been shit, pure shit.

Little things that I usually could just let go
drives me nuts
like the slowest checker on earth
at the grocery store
or the landlord
putting a note in my box stating
I hadn't paid my rent, when I had
and I had a duplicate copy of my check
and a photocopy of the check after he cashed it
or deadlines at school I am not sure I can make
or wishing a man would call when he hasn't
(he did, but he didn't make another date yet, I am still working on that patience thing)
or the fact I watch only one show these days
on TV, although there are several I like
I make it a point to watch Gray's Anatomy
and this week it really hit a little too
close to home and that pissed me off
or parents at school throwing a fit
because someone took their child's quarter
and I didn't give it back to him,
because another child claimed it
The substitute teacher was there
I was attending a waste of time ESL training

so you see that list could be longer
but wait
IT GETS BETTER

I have been contemplating where in my house
to put my prized antique floor lamp
and I finally had a revelation
of where would be the perfect spot
in my dining room
so I moved the water dispenser
to the kitchen
where the metal shelf of canned food was
and moved the shelf next to the stove
and the folding chairs to the hall closet
(so you know there was prep work to be done)
and then I moved the lamp
and got down on the floor to see where
behind the Possum Belly Cabinet there was an outlet
to plug it into

and of course
it was right behind the leg of the cabinet
so I shifted the cabinet,
which is full of my prized dishes
and crystal
and plugged it in
got up and tried to turn the lamp on
Nothing
Nada
Nope
so I get back down on the floor
ready to unplug it from one spot
and into the other
to see if that helps
and the outlet is melting
before my eyes
I quickly unplug the lamp
and watch to see if the hole in the wall
gets any bigger
and think

Shit girl, you could have done this after most humans
are up on Saturday Morning
but no, you do it at 6 am
after you have already been to Starbucks for Chai Tea
and you can't call anyone
except the fire dept.

wait
that might be fun
no, quit that

ok, so I will call the landlord
and get the answering service
and I am sitting here,
blogging
waiting for them to call back
the hole isn't any bigger
but it is warm against the wall
so I think it is smoldering in the wall
but I am watching it...
with the other lights on
like an idiot
but I don't know where all the breakers are

RJ is suppose to have breakfast with me today
so we will see
what he thinks

anyway
then I look at my horoscope for the day
which has been right on for several days now

and it said:

If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations on your mind may keep you from fully focusing on the tasks that demand your attention.

Yeah,
and dammit
I want to know when I get to see
Mr. Turnaround again
but I am not calling him or emailing him

and why didn't I read that before playing with electricity?

Did I Tell You?

Did I tell you that I met a really good guy?

Did I tell you that we have a breakfast date tomorrow morning?

Did I tell you it is a full service breakfast, with a waitress (statistically, it will be a woman wait person) ?

Did I tell you I am really giddy over him?

Did I tell you that he called tonight, to let me know
how the games ended up (yes, he is a coach)?

Did I tell you that since he called I have been grinning
ear to ear?

Why? Because he seems to be a really good guy, he asked about my day, he surprises me by telling me that he is anxious to see me as well, and, and, and
the kissing and hugging are fantabulouso mucho mucho.

AND he is going to be 10 minutes earlier than we discussed previously, so that I can get my kiss quotient in.... (I didn't word it that way with him<>

and I have to tell you, because the people I work and play with are really really tired of me telling them....

but I know what it is

I know they are just jealous

they don't have that school girl crush feeling...

even if they are married and love their spouses

they feel the way I felt
when RJ and his girlfriend
talk about each other
it is syrupy and if it isn't happening to you
almost disheartening, even though you wish the best for them, you don't want to be subjected to the "mushy stuff"

but

I do have have to tell you...

I have a breakfast date tomorrow, and I am not sure
I will be able to sleep, I am so excited...

*she scrunches her shoulders and smiles like a little girl who is excited about Santa Claus coming to her house...

yeah, it is that bad

and I love it...lol

have a great day, mine is going to have a great start...

Another Great Date

I cannot wipe this
shit eatin' grin off my face

Mr. Turnaround

ahhhhh.....

it was a great date

trains, cacti, the moon, the crisp clear evening air

and a man
that
apparently finds me
just as intriguing as
I find him

I did a little more
research
on his kissing abilities

since the other night I only got one

and over the course of 2 hours

we did some record breaking killer kissing

and his job?

He said it was his job to put a smile on my face
and keep it there


Give that man a raise,

he is doing an outstanding job


wonder what kind of work he can do in other departments.... time will tell



oh and guess what....

(she grins)
I have a breakfast date on Thursday
not a hit and run breakfast
but a full service breakfast
with a booth to sit in and
neck while waiting for food

ok ok
I wish I could sit in public and neck
but I might not be able to

we will see...

Have a great day... I already am
and will be smiling for at least a day.

Chocolates, Chocolates, Nanar Nanar Nanar, I got the Chocolates

Thank you Walker

This is

OFFICIALLY

the best week I have had
in a very. very long time

first a great new man
then a long awaited
fantasy come true with the best man I know
and then
I come home to a box
of decadent chocolates
in my mailbox

They are wonderful
I couldn't rip the package open fast enough

and just when I decided
my name wasn't on the chocolate list anymore

I was totally surprised

See.... good things do come to those who wait....

again,
a thousand times
thank you

you put a smile on top of the smile I had
when I got home...

I am in Nirvana
so

of course

a trip to the pool is in order...

after one more chocolate decadence

True Confession

Remember

a few weeks ago

the muse and I went to the coast?

and on Bennu Too

I posted some pictures

of my feet and a bird and the waves?

Well the day I was trying to post that
was a TUESDAY night late

and the pictures wouldn't upload

and I was trying to upload them straight from the memory stick
rather than downloading them to the hard drive and then
uploading them to blogger.

Long story short

they wouldn't upload

and I couldn't figure out why

so I picked a picture of me
that the Muse took
while we were at the beach

and uploaded to the online dating site
that I have an ad on

and instantly, it uploaded

so... it wasn't OE (operator error)

but simply that Blogger was not a happy camper that night and everybody and their dog was probably posting

so I went to bed and tried again Wednesday morning

completely forgetting to delete the swimsuit picture.

meanwhile on the dating site
now...
truly

at the time
I was not "subscribing"

but since I uploaded that picture

I have had over 20 hits on my ad

and so far

I have met 6 of those guys

one of them I partook in too much fun
on Monday night

but I have known with each one of them
that I was not having as much fun

as fun as they have been

as I would like to feel with another person

but tonight

well boys and girls

tonight the tables turned

I met Mr. "Turn Around"

That's right

when I showed the Muse his pictures
that is what she said

she wanted to see his

ass

which I must say
after close personal inspection
is

as spectacular
as the rest of him

lol

we met tonight

at the restaurant that has
a bad reputation for me

it is the place I get stood up
more than any other place

but hey I could have gone to the bookstore
if I had been stood up
but I wasn't

and I was
very
very
very
pleasantly surprised
at how much I was attracted to
Mr. Turn Around

and

apparently

It was reciprocated

we have another date on Monday

which is great

because this weekend

the muse and I have a date
Saturday night
with Mr. Duvall and his friend

who will now be known
as

The boys from down south

and we are expecting to have a
most wonderful time
at her house Saturday night
just hanging out, shooting the bull
and cooking on the grill

but man

it is about time
that a man made my heart
thump
and blood
pump
like Mr. Turnaround did

and the best part?

besides the great kisses,
the great hug
the hand holding
and the planning of
the second date?

He is single,
very, long time been
single

and he looks damn good
in those jeans and that hat

and eyes,

eyes that smile and are deep
and intriguing
making me wish we had
spent more time kissing

so
a little picture of me
in a swim suit
on the beach

yeah it turned some heads
and one of them
was more promising than
the others

but don't get me wrong
they are all good guys
but this one

this one
made my heart throb
like I was in high school again.

New Beginnings for Leilani

Every new beginning is

some other beginnings end.

Lost love sucks

and the ending of something,

due to poor communication

really sucks.

Sometimes just facing the ending

of something you had such good feelings
and high hopes for

SUCKS!!!

And that empty feeling in your gut
and the tears that won't stop flowing
and the sadness at the end of the day
when you drive home alone
and wish you had something
or someone
there to look forward to...

that is the part that just kills me

but the old addage
that time will heal all wounds

It is the truth

but it doesn't mean there isn't a scar

or that you forget

or that you don't wish it were different

but we must press on

and continue with our lives as best we can

as the muse would say

"I just put on my big girl panties and get over it".

She helped me with a shattered heart

and now hers is wounded
and I will be there for her

I can't fix it
but I might be able to take her mind off it a bit

and I hope you, my dear Leilani, can do the same

good to hear that things were amicable and that you were nice about it, regardless of how it made you feel.

Opportunities

She said
"Hold On..." while she put the phone down
and the key in the door.
(typos galore, because I am too stoned to backspace now)
She tepped inand put her purse
keys down and picked the phone up from the portch

I am home
save and sound
she said to her friend
who wsa talking her though a drive from hell
home from her dateshouse where
he toxically inebrieted her with gaseous
fumes form some weed that she had not had
any of in over 25 years, and even then, she oouldnt
remember it being anywhere near thsi cool (hee hee hee)

but now she was home
and her friend was talking to her
and she was ok
she sat down at the computer
and realized that she had the munchies
there were three chocolate fudge cookies
with orange halloween icing and sprinkles of
black orance and white.
Small, bitesize cookies
She took one of the cookies
whole and in tact
into her mouth
and pushed it into the roof of her mouth
swirling her tongue around and around
enjoiing the flavor mixed whthe her saliva and the texture against her tonge and roof of her mouth
and as she sat there
decadently sucking on this cookie
she thought about it

Opportunities
they really don't come around often
and she was tired of plying life safe

she has had chances to go off
for a weekend on a jet plane
and turned them down
in the last 6 months
and other things as well
and you know what
she thought
life is for living
and taking advantage of the moment
seizing opportunities

and tonight
tonight she had
an opportunity to escape
to revert back to an innocent
18 year old
who giggled and laughed
and blushed when a boy kissed her

and tonight
she seized the moment
and accepted an invitation
to escape
for a mere couple of hours

and it was nirvana

but this cookies
these cookies are
almost as good as sex right this minute

on second thought
maybe not
she would rather have sex
but the cookie is here
and a man is not
esp. not the man she wishes it were

time for some new flowers in the vase.... good thing HEB opens at 6 am.

and she at the other cookie

man that was some stout shit
it is more than 3 hours later and she is still
on a cloud
not cloud nine, that one is reserved, but close to it

Sunday Afternoons

They aren't just for football anymore...

My favorite Sunday afternoons
are spent in bed
and not alone

Mr. Duvall called this morning
aparently thinking he was injured
and would not be up
to our usual Sunday afternoon shenanigans

It is his arm
he hurt it doing some heavy lifting yesterday

so I went for plan B
an afternoon at the outlet mall with the muse

but then he called back
and had decided
he could indeed
push through the pain (sorry, couldn't resist)

so I am off for my favorite
thing to do
on Sunday afternoon

Hope you are having a great Sunday afternoon

hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

Pool Time

It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood
and it is time to go to the pool

Pool Passes Available On Request

Crystal Balls

Over ten years ago
I had an opportunity
to go to a Gem and Mineral Show
in a small West Texas Town
It was a geologist's dream
Wonderful specimens all around
and jewelers
making wonderful jewelry
out of wonderful stones from the earth.

I purchased two of my most favored
possessions while at this show
they were both pendants
to hang on silver chains

One was a rose quartz obelisk
that I treasure but rarely wear
but I wish I did

The other was a Quartz Crystal Ball
A man made from russia
crystal ball about the size of a quarter
only a sphere

I wear it often
or I did
until I lost it

and every year when I teach shapes
I would wear it and use it as part
of my space shapes or
3D shapes lessons

I haven't been able to find it for months
I miss it terribly

and there have been days I have cried over it

I know it is silly
I have thought of things
that were greater losses
for me
and for others

but there are things
in all our lives
that we miss

and we wish we could have back
just for a little while
some for just 5 minutes
to say things we wish we had said
some for that last hug
or that "one more time"
no matter what it was

a wearing of a dress

a dance with our favorite partner

a hug and a kiss goodbye and
a chance to say I love you
to a lost loved one

and it is the same with me

I have turned the house upside down
and it just isn't here

I know the last time I wore it
I remember it well

and I am glad to have that memory
and others
of other things.

But life does go on.
While the Muse and I were at the coast

I made a decision
to find a replacement

I know I will not find a pendant
ever again, like the perfect Quartz Crystal Ball

so I stopped at my favorite stained glass shop
and picked up some Witches Balls

That's right.

You hang them in your window
and the bad spirits are caught in them
so they can't inhabit your home

much like a Dream Catcher

I know I will hang them in the East Window
to catch the light
and I am thrilled to have them

just as I am sure they will be the starters
of a new collection of mine

and even though I have them
they are in no way
a replacement
for the pendant I lost
and wish I could have back

but they do ease the pain a bit
and they do bring a smile

and hopefully they are
a sign of good things to come.

At least I want to think that
so I will.

Ha, and you thought this drunken post was going to involve sex...
or pictures of me in my VS goodies... nanar nanar nanar

hee hee
sometimes, you can't say anything
even when you want to
you have to wait to be asked
so I am waiting.

When Worlds Collide

The plan this weekend was to clean house and do laundry.
I feel like I haven't been home in two weeks.
First, the muse and I spent practically 4 days together and 2 of those were at the beach, which was great.
Then I had to prepare for seasonal eval at work,
which turned out fantastically for me
woohoo
pause for big sigh of relief and huge grin hee hee hee

then an afternoon in Nirvana
to rejuvenate my spirit
and satisfy my cravings

and then the weekend was here.
Saturday started out with cleaning of floors
sorting of laundry
and straightening up of desk,
somewhere in there I started to take the trash out
and as I walked out the door
the sun was shining,
it was hot,
not just a little hot
but HOT out
and the pool was calling my name
the dishes were calling my name too, but
the pool was talking louder than the dishes
so after taking the trash out
I quickly slipped into a swimsuit
one I haven't been able to fit in
until now
and
carried the chair to the pool
and sat and read and rested
and cooled my body in the chilly water
and chilled for over three hours
getting some rays
and soulful rejuvenation

knowing full well
that today, the house cleaning would commence
and it has
I fell asleep last night on the couch
sometime around 7 when the storm
was beginning to blow through
and I put myself to bed at nearly 10
and slept all in all about 12 hours

today the list is long
but much of it has already been done
and the weather is cool and cloudy
I opened all the windows
turned up the music
and am in the mood for
chilly weather foods
such as
goulash
beans
chili
stew

and corn bread is sounding really good

so muse and I discussed what we eat cornbread with
she is making chili and I said
I would bring the cornbread
which I will eat with stew, chili, or beans
but not with goulash
which I have bread and butter with

but she doesn't eat cornbread with anything
except goulash
so she is baking bread
but she says she is making it just to make the house smell good

It was summer yesterday,
or at least it felt like it,
and looked like it,

and today it is fall,
felt like it,
looked like it,
and later, it will taste like it.

Time to get the chiminea ready for some fires
and the grill ready to cook
for parties on the patio
when it won't be too hot to sit out
visit and drink lively libations.

I will miss sitting by the pool, in the sun,
but I am looking forward to
cooler days and spending some time
outside with friends

I guess things do come to an end
and although some of it will be missed
and remembered fondly

there is good reason to look forward
to things to come .

Tomorrow Tomorrow

It is only the 5th week of school.

My supervisor will be in my classroom tomorrow
for my observation

I haven't done much
to really "ham" it up

but I am thinking it will go really well.

I worked a 12 hour day today
to "straighten" things up
and make up for early days last week
that I left
so I could go to the beach...

Paybacks are hell aren't they....

but tomorrow will come
and go

and I can get ready for my next big thing
painting....
my living room,
dining room
and stairwell.

wish me luck
send good wishes and thoughts
and smile tomorrow
when you know I lived through it
and you lived through whatever is going on
with you

good wishes with you
from me.

News Flash

The paint chip is in

The Painting Party will commence
this weekend
my house
bring your roller
brush,
and swim suit

Let's Paint Party

See you there...

Back From The Dead

Tonight I am exhausted

The muse and I got away for the weekend
It was suppose to be relaxing
and it was
but it was also tiring...

there was sand,
water, men, dancing
and drinking involved
but it was all good.

The title of this post refers
to a comment from the sitcom
How I met your mother

about one of the characters
who had a bad breakup
and the summer from hell
trying to recover

and their final word
ultimately ?
TIME is the only thing
that cures a broken heart

and when Marshall had recovered
He was
Back From the Dead

and I am pretty much there

now I would like to thank you all
for your patience
love and caring words

and your ability to not
tell me how pathetic I was
for awhile there

and those of you
who continue to read
(IDZAP doesn't fool some counters)
I took the counters off
so I wouldn't be looking
to see if you are looking
but I know you still are.
It doesn't matter
choices have been made
you chose your life
now live it

I have chosen a better life
and I am living it.

Look on Passion for the beach post.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Today has been a strange day

It had me thinking

of things that might have been

but weren't

I was sad most of the day

and my mood has been blue

for a few days now....

so as I drove home,

I was thinking of one of the greatest loves of my life

and I stopped in a spot where we first spent a good amount of time together

I thought about ordering
"the usual"

and then realized

that even though

the tried and true "usual"
would be good

it is time for a change

so I ordered the "new"
item on the menu

brought it home and
ate it and reminisced

The first great love of my life
Paul W.

I was working at a
Schlotsky's Sandwich Shop
in Amarillo Texas.

He was working at one of the other
Schlotsky's in town
and the shop I worked at
was the one where all the
baking of the buns
for all the stores was done.

So at the end of the day
the other stores called and gave
a "bun count"
so the baker would know
how many buns to bake

Paul is the one who would call
from his shop
and I talked to him daily
I hadn't met him
and I had worked there for 2-3 months

Everyone kept telling me
that we would be dating if we met

and everyone at his shop said the same thing

then it happened
we had a chance to meet
and it was pretty much
a done deal

I lost my virginity to him
I loved him
and really thought we would always be together

but we weren't

He broke up with me
on my 18th birthday

That really sucked...
and an omen of what was to come

so today
I stopped and got
an "Italiano" sandwich
rather than an "original"
with BBQ chips and tea

and I thought of Paul
and others

and knew,

that as the pain that took me 3 years
to recover from

is similar to recent pain
that is months old
and I am hoping not to take
one year, much less 3 to recover from

but now,
now my thoughts of Paul
are fond
and I smiled as I reminisced
about our time
at work
and with each other
in bed and out

I don't fall in love easily
but when I do
I fall hard

so here I am, pulling myself up
off the floor
from falling on my face

but I know
I will overcome
and great things will come to me

because I have before

and I will again...

sometimes it is ok to take a trip

down Memory Lane...

Have You Ever? ....

I learned a new game last spring
called
Have you ever

you ask someone
and add an ending
question, something you want to know

funny

when I play it with men

by the third question
they all have to do with sex
if not sooner

I am changing it
to

Have you ever wanted...

and here it is

Have you ever wanted to
sit in a mud pit
and wrestle with someone
you were in a relationship with
until you were both laughing
til you were crying
and then climbed out
to wash each other off
and climb into
a therapeutic Hot Spring
until you were toasted
and ready to just lay
beside each other
in a cool bed
and fall asleep
in each other's arms?

I have,
I will for awhile

I am looking at a
getaway
for myself

that involves everything above

except the man...

think I will wait til Spring

so

haven't you ever wanted to do the above?

I have wanted to
for years

not waiting another year... going in the spring...

found a great place
at a great price
and in the area I was hoping would have one...

Pearls of Wisdom

There have been many days
of late
and over the summer
that have had me asking

does someone
that treats you horribly

ever feel
true remorse....?

I think there are some who do

but an overwhelming number of them

DON'T feel any remorse.

The muse watched Oprah one day last week
(I don't leave work early enough for that)

and she saw a show that gave some
pearls of wisdom.
Last night,

after her sleeping pill
and not going to sleep,

she tried to post a comment here
with some quotes...

well
it didn't work,
for some reason
I am sure it was
OE

anyway, she showed it to me today
after a day of geocaching
and before our dance hall destination

and here is the wisdom someone named Michelle
was told
after expressing her desire
to talk to this man
who had broken her heart
so that she could have complete closure...

Michelle says that she is finding her own closure,
but she would like closure from Mark, too.
At least,
she wonders, will he feel remorse on his deathbed?

"Can I tell you something?" Dr. Robin says.
"He can't give you any [closure].
And he doesn't want to give you any.
You don't exist to him. … He will die a liar.
He will die someone who harmed and hurt people.
And he will feel no pain for all the pain he's caused.


That's devastating, but it's real."


and to me?

to me it is really sad...

I don't wish that on anyone,
but he earned it....

and the man who treated me so badly,
he has earned his life as well....

I hope it was worth the cost....

as for me, I am filling myself back up
without a man to do it for me...

one of the best things I can do
is what 4 widows of 911 did...

But just before the attacks' first anniversary,
four September 11 widows in their 30s met for dinner.
The four forged a strong bond
and began their own support group called the Widows Club.
This month sees the release of their book,
"Love You, Mean It," a memoir of rebuilt lives.
In the book, Carrington, Julia Collins, Claudia Gerbasi
and Ann Haynes explain how their friendship guided them through the suffering,
making them more empathetic and attuned to life.

I will do the same and
give and get support from my women friends
until I am ready for a good man
to come into my life...
and then


well

he will.

Free of Distractions

The last two days
have had me in a fog

Is it the full moon?
I mean,
it makes the kids at school
NUTS

why not me too?

Is it that I really was
that upset about Mr. Beamer?

Is it that I really WASN"T
ready to be seeing anyone,
no matter at what level?

I am thinking it was the last one.

I was enjoying Mr. Beamer,
but there weren't any sparks for me
either.
I was keeping him at arms length,
scared to let myself get close to him.

I am not really ready to be near anyone,
and I thought I might be
and I thought I wanted to be
and

I still needed a distraction.

There are no set limits on the grieving process.

and as much as I would like to be done,

I am not yet.

After much thought
and overcoming of fear
of being by myself
from now on.

I have decided to do just that.

I am writing it down,
because that way
my blogging friends
can hold me to it.

Walker has told me
and told me,
how it is best for him
and those around him
for him to stay by himself
and not get caught up
in relationships that he knew
were not in his best interest
or the best interest of the woman
who was flirting or throwing herself at him

and I agree

but he seemed to be stronger than I am.

Let's see,

Let's see if I can be strong

and move through my life alone

without insignificant relationships
that just take up time
and keep my mind off of things I should think through
and deal with.

And Lord, help me,
I will get over this broken heart once and for all.

I know Muse is tired of my grieving, but what
I have tried and tried to tell her
and others
is that
I AM TOO,
but that doesn't mean I am done yet.

But I will be

and I hope it is soon.

In the mean time...

it is back to

me taking care of me.

Have a great day everyone...
you deserve it.

Worse Than The "Post-It" Note Incident

In Sex and the City
Berger broke up with Carrie
Using a post-it note

It is as bad or worse
than breaking up with someone
on the phone
or by email
at work no less.

Today
I was recipient of said email
from Mr. Beamer

Not that it was a surprise
I saw it coming
Not that I was that upset about it

but disappointed in that person

yes, I am

it doesn't matter if you admit
how chicken shit you are
you still chose
to do the
down and dirty
in a very bad way

I understand when a person
isn't ready to have a relationship
I learned that one the hard way
last spring

I understand
thinking that you are ready
only to go out
and find
that you aren't
because sometimes
you really just need to be
by yourself
or not bugged by someone
or aren't in a place to give
all you need to in a relationship

I don't understand
not at least calling
when you know you should
or saying it sooner
and saving us all
some time and energy

Man,
and Mr. Big Bad Wolf
that I met on my walk
last night
asked me out
for tonight and
silly me
I said I had plans

hmmmm
where is his number...