I am in a quagmire. One of my own creation, and yet, I can't find my way out. Actually, I just recently found myself in it, so it may be too soon to be looking for an exit from it.
It amazes me that I can meet men, straight out of a relationship/marriage etc. who think they are "over it" or "done" or "have already gone through the grief process", which may be all well and true, since it is my opinion that they bury their shit. Yes, they bury their hurt, their pain, their shit from a relationship gone bad.
Now, before you send hate mail, or make inappropriate posts, let me say... I know that is a blanket statement, and in as much that I don't like to be tagged with the entire genderizing of women, I know men don't either, so let's assume you aren't one of the men described above (if you are a man reading this).
Why does it amaze you Bennu? Why?
Well, because I have thought many times I was over my ex's, husbands, lovers, etc. and then something happens that shows me that I am not.
The latest really has me baffled... I was studying the relationships I have been a part of with men since the demise of my marriage to my best friend of many years.
I wasn't looking for a pattern, but there is one...
I have great men friends, who, for whatever reason, I have found a major flaw (ok, it may all be in my head before what you start asking what their or if you are one of them YOUR fatal flaw is) that keeps me from seeing them as anything other than a friend. I don't want to kiss them, I don't want to muck up the friendship, so I refuse to let it go any further. I have three of them, the greatest of which, at the moment is with RJ.
Then, on the flipside, I have men in my life that I use just for sex. I kid myself that we are friends, but what it amounts to, is that I don't hear from them or get in touch with them unless it is time for a session of physical release of all the stress that has been building up for weeks, months, etc. While we are together it is great, but I am always glad to leave and be on my way home. I do care about them as people, but I make sure they aren't "available" for more than it is... a very sexual encounter of the inappropriate kind.
Two freaky worlds and the likes of which will never meet.
Yes, I have seen When Harry Met Sally .... which is what muse reminds me of all the time.
Obviously I have issues, not major, I am a freakazoid kind of issues, but issues that keep me from risking myself for a great relationship. It has to be deep seeded for me to have not recognized the pattern of the last 3 or more years.
So if a man buries his shit, then I guess I dig mine up and analyze it like a crime scene investigator, trying to figure out what has happened.
Well, we all know it takes longer than a 60 minute segment on TV with too many commercials, so I will let you know what happens in the end, but for now, I am busy analyzing.
Have a great week!
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3 comments:
Only a fool beleives they just walk out of a relationship and its over.
There is alot to take into concideration.
Who ended it for one and why it ended.
How many times have I seen people break up and go immediatly to two other people and then find themselves reconciling and leaving those other two people lost for words.
As one who used to have women "fuck buddies" for just that purpose I never really thought much of it until I told one about Lisa and she tried to kill herself by going to the river and throwing herself through the ice.
What I thought was just a screw appearantly was more.
This prompted me to do alot of looking at what I was doing and how it affected others.
Another thing.
If people wish to persue a relationship with someone there can't be a FBs around.
You can't have both or your cheating before you start.
How can you try and start a relationship with someone if you have someone to service you around.
If you can't be true to a relastionship then why should you persue one.
My friend G has this problem.
No one gets over a relationship that quickly unless they are cold hearted and have no feelings.
There is no reason why you can't persue something with a person that has just broken up, just take it slow and see what happens and don't have someone on the side just in case you need something.
Sometimes waiting only makes it better when you are with the person you want to be with :)
I don't think anyone can walk out of one relationship and straight into another without there being some sort of repercussion from the past.
I believe that every relationship we're in gives us something to carry in to the next...whether it be within a matter of weeks, or even years before we take that step again.
The scariest part I feel, is taking the risk and allowing ourselves to be reached to those depths again. For me personally, that's going to be a long way off, but I don't want it to be a 'never' aspect of my life.
Allowing ourselves to be in love is a wondrous thing and feels incredible, which I guess is why we continue to fall regardless of what could happen to our hearts anyway.
I've been in love with 3 men in my life...REALLY in love. Each time I've given up control of my heart...put it in someone else's hands for safekeeping. It's a big risk, but in my opinion, worth it in the end, regardless of how things may turn out eventually.
Wow, what walker said cut me right to the heart. How can we possibly hold back our hearts, in order to hold on old, new, or renewed obessions? How dare we?! We should always think about how our actions will affect others and the pain we could possibly cause.
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