Say What It Is You Want

Amused Muse has a new friend
who introduced her to a video
I would say Movie
but from what I saw
it wasn't really a "movie"
It was a video
called
"The Secret"
and apparently it is a hot topic
on Oprah and beyond

but what I got out of the discussion
after seeing the last 10 minutes of the video
and talking to her friend
is that you should say what you want
in a positive way
and it will come to you

so I did
I reposted my list
of what I want in a man
on a personals site
yeah I know
it is cheesy

and let me tell you
I have had nearly 100 hits
in less than a week,
which might not seem like much
but that isn't the kicker
the kicker is that of all those hits
not one has nibbled.

and I don't think my list is at all
bad
I mean, it is what I want in a man

so I am going to post it here too...

and here it is....

a good conversationalist
able to fit into social settings with ease
Clever and humorous
Have good anatomical geographic skills
Love the beach and to fish
an unselfish lover
a leader, when dancing, on and off the dance floor
show attention and consideration
wordsmith (or has a good dictionary or spellchecker)
Music lover
dancer (including c/w)
enjoy your profession
Work hard/ Play hard/ know how to take it easy too
old fashioned
have good table manners
and above all else
A true gentleman who knows how to let a woman know you like her with flowers, calls, small surprises,
and takes time to get to know someone before falling in bed with them.

So now he should just show up at my door ....
right?

yeah, I know, I know...

and I also know his name isn't Mr. Turnaround

but somehow I haven't completely let go of that one yet.

It's Been Awhile

I guess I got out of the habit
I mean,
I am not posting daily
or multiple times daily
and still you people come to see
what I have to say

today,
due to lack of posting
I have plenty to say

I gave up Mr. Duvall
not for anyone else
but because it was time

we had a long talk on the phone
Friday night
he was really sweet (as usual)
and said all the right things (as usual)

He was concerned he had led me on
and I assured him
that I always, from the beginning
knew what it was
and what it wasn't

and he asked why I was so sad
and I told him
because he had treated me better
than anyone had before
and that was hard to let go of
and yet
I need to be in a place
to truly let a man into my life
and as long as I was holding onto what
I had with him
that wasn't going to happen

After several great comments
on how he felt about what we have shared
he made me laugh
so he wouldn't feel like he was leaving me sad
and then he told me that he wouldn't call
but if,
I needed anything
or had a moment of weakness
I was welcome to call him
and I said I appreciated that

hell, he even offered to help me move
(because that is in the cards soon)

and I came home sad
(I was working late)
and cried most of the way
and even after I got into bed

then on Saturday morning
RJ called about going to breakfast
and we really haven't seen each other
in weeks
or talked about anything that has been
going on with him and his girlfriend
or his daughter
or my son
and I went out to the car for something
came in and saw that Mr. Duvall had called
so I called him back
thinking
"he is going to miss me as much
as I am going to miss him"
and sure enough
he asked if he could call sometimes
just to see how I am doing
and I smiled
yes, you can, I said with a smile

and we left it at that

I just hated the timing
his brother is terminal with cancer
he has few people in his life (Mr. D)
that he feels close to
and his brother is the first to die
of people he has had long, close relationship with

he is a "tough guy"
with thick skin
and so when he gets emotional
I know it is serious
and I have seen him emotional
about his brother

so I told him to call me
and let me know
so I don't have to read it in the paper

you know I would do anything for him too
and have told him also
like drive him to the dr. office next week
for a really degrading procedure
that he is having done as
preventive medicine

he is a braver man than I

I will miss him dearly
and not just because
he loves rolling around in a bed with me

but because he is a very good man
and has been very good to me.

Thinking Things Over or Over Thinking Things

Mr. Turnaround has been great
This Week

We were out in public on Wed night
which is not the story tonight
but he was very attentive
and thoughtful and surprisingly
he even told someone we were
"dating"
which blew me away
now the circumstances and
why he told them
and the fact they know me
and he probably knew it would get back to me
well those were all the things
that ran through my head
when she approached me and said
"You're dating "Mr. Turnaround"?"
yeah, I guess... sort of... was my answer

so no, I guess I don't feel like I am dating him
I think I am trying to decide if what we are doing
is dating
or if I am just killing time

I tend to think
after several hours of thought
is that I may just be killing time with him
or that I think
HE IS just killing time
with me
but hey, that could be the depression talking
which is a real possibility at the moment

anyway, here is the real post reason

he took me to the airport yesterday morning
we waited for a little while
in the cell phone parking lot
which is free
because we were way early for me to even be there
I asked what he was doing on Tuesday
thinking I would ask him to pick me up
I mean
I have had 4 offers from people to pick me up
but it is sort of
a test
yes
a test
to see how he does things
so I asked if he wanted to pick me up
he said he could if I needed him to
I explained I had 4 other offers
so if he didn't want to,
I could call one of them
LSS
he will pick me up

then he drove me to the dropoff
got out
got my bag
gave me a hug
talked a second
gave me a kiss
said
"give me a ring when you get ready to land"
and silly me thought
-oh, he wants to make sure I get there safe
and sound and for me to check in with him-
and then I remember it is very early
he is going to go home and nap
so I might wake him up
so I say
"You will probably be asleep"

and he said
yeah, but I will be in the cell phone lot


DUH... he was talking about Tuesday
so I said
oh...you mean on Tuesday
ok, I will

and I retreated

into the airport

Fuck... how fast can I get pissed off?
pdq

so am I suppose to not call before then?
does that mean we aren't going to talk for 5 days..?
what else is new?


anyway... I know it was a simple miscommunication
I know he didn't do anything wrong
I just took it wrong
I know he can be thoughtful and caring
it just wasn't the way I wanted it to be
at that time

anyway, it is over now
I just had to get it out of my system

thanks, and comments are ready

Have a great day... hope it is as pretty where you are as it is here...

Uncomfortable... Again

I was having those back pains
pain shooting down my leg

and for 3 days, they have
literally
disappeared


I am still having back issues
but am now almost sure
they are stress related

so I am glad to know
that I don't have a tumor
on my spinal column
or in my head

no... I am just a
whatever that word is

other than insomniac
which I am also
and today
after my wonderful romp
in a bed way too big for me
alone
and without sleep
so I tossed
and turned
and walked in my sleep
and rambled on here as well

I have had a long day just wishing I had slept
then Mr. Turnaround called
man... that deadline of 10 days was so close
talk about cutting it close

anyway, he didn't give any notice,
just thought he would drop by if I had time
and I offered to go to see him instead
and I did.

He fell asleep watching TV with me
which,
as shitty as it sounds
wasn't so bad
I had a man in my arms
comfortable enough
(ok, maybe just exhausted enough)
to fall asleep with me holding him
on a couch,
as I watched TV

now, as the good
girl scout I am
I did go prepared
but to no avail
he was a zombie
and I left 2 hours after I arrived.

He was cordial
He was polite
He was not as "forward" or
...hmmm... affectionate (yeah that is the word)
as usual
but then again,
he wasn't drinking...

and yet
when I left
I felt so alone
and lonely
and I hate that feeling
and I realized
as I drove home
that I have a bad habit
whenever I have that feeling
I look for anyone
who might take that feeling away
to talk to
any man I know,
and want to be more than friends with
I mean, let's face it,
if they are just a friend,
I am not going to get the same
"relief" as I will from someone
I see in a different light

but I can't call Mr. Wrong
yeah, I hadn't named him,
but now I have
and I can't call Mr. Duvall
(who has a brother that is going to die any day now from lung cancer) since it isn't the time of day I usually call him
and not only that, the tides with him
are changing too
losing your brother must really
make you think
yeah, I think he is truly pulling away
and it is best really
it has run it's course
and I do care about him
but hey,
I know what it is
and what it isn't

lol
so I came up with a plan
I enlisted the girlfriend of my great friend
Mr. RJ
I called her
and explained the situation
and asked if
or rather when
I feel that way
after a man disappoints me
or I disappoint myself
if I can call her
so I won't be so tempted to make
a really bad decision
and a stupid phone call that I shouldn't make.

She was great and said Yes
so we talked of cookies
she was baking
and how I was enjoying the thunder
as it stormed
and everyone else was scared

then I was home
listening to tunes
and writing lesson plans for two weeks

I leave Friday
and won't be back for 5 or so days

Mr. Turnaround did say he would get up
and drive me to the airport
but why not suggest a sleepover?
I don't know
and why should I think he would?
I don't know
leopards don't change their spots
and I sure ain't changing mine
as fast as I would like
but I am working on it

Thanks Ms. Perky,
yeah that's her name,
and RJ, don't you dare tell her.
She is going to help me get through this
and change a bad habit and
in the process
help me rid myself of men I don't need in my life

is it uncomfortable? Hell yes it is,
more so than the shooting pains in my legs
if that is possible..
but hey,
just as those pains did...
this too
shall pass...

Just a Thought or Two

Hmmmmm
well I was laying in bed
for over an hour
in the middle of the night
wide awake
after sleeping well
for 3 or 4 nights
and after several weeks
of fantastic
NON insomniatic sleep
and man....
laying there
thinking I will go back to sleep
and not keep thinking
and rethinking
the turns my life is taking
or rather not taking

but it ain't happening
so I get up
to see who has been trying to read
a blog I haven't posted to
in days

and no, I don't know who most of you are
but I do know
that I didn't think I would ever
NOT write a post
for weeks
and yet, here we are
I feel I have
much to say
and yet nothing to say

Here are the highlights
don't get too excited
they aren't very exciting

I went to the beach last weekend
I had a great time on the one
semi sunny day
I went to Rockport on the
rainy Sunday
and came home
feeling somewhat rested
and not knowing what I wanted
but definitely knowing what
I don't want....

Mr. Turnaround has
consistently been inconsistent
but is hanging in there
sort of
even came to see me a week ago
we had a great time
good banter
good spirits
good chemistry
but hey
it was a week ago
and I have had one phone call since then
and no email really to speak of
other than a response
to mine that said I would like to
do it again soon
and my definition of soon was
less than 10 days
to which he replied he would
like to, too
and we would
much sooner than 10 days

which is tomorrow
so... well I say tomorrow
when actually it is a day and a half away
since this is an insomniatic rant

I can now proudly say
that both of my children have
a highschool education

the oldest has the dream job
working for Ninetendo

and is bringing me a Wii for Mother's Day
I am excited
and surprisingly,
my friends and coworkers are jealous

He just called me not too long ago
to explain that he has a cubicle now
rather than a small cubby hole
and it includes a game cube and a tv
which he can play in between his calls

I never dreamt he would be
working a job that is so suited for him.
It will be good to see him
and
my other son finally got his driver's license today
he is helping out this week
when my mom has surgery

oh haven't I told you?
My mom is having her eyes "done"
no, not laser surgery,
plastic surgery

yeah, the woman with copd
who smokes like a chimney
and won't quit
can't walk 20 feet without huffing and puffing
but can afford to look years younger
is having her eyes done.

I understand why she wants to do it
it isn't the younger part so much
but to not have drooping eyelids

and yeah, I have them too
just like my grandad
but on him
they were so beautiful to me
they made his eyes smile....

and even though I am glad she can indulge herself
I am
obviously concerned about her well being
because of the other health issues

I will be there on Friday for a long weekend
to help with the beginning of recovery

and then I will return to nurse myself
back to health

I have fallen into a pseudo depression
that some days is really taxing
and others not so obviously present

at least not to me
but I think it is to others

I am ok, I just need to find a way
to not let it get the best of me

I have started looking for a place to live
further south
I mean much further south
not just the south part of town...lol
and that is my biggest clue
that I need to work on my depression
rather than run away from it
which I am so good at

funny, it always finds me again

not to worry, I am never "too" depressed
just enough to drive me
and the people around me
nuts

yeah I know, it is the insomnia speaking
so I will try to get some sleep now


Happy
Earth Day, Easter, Fiesta, and whatever other holiday has passed us by recently...

A Wonderfully Fantabuloso Week

In a nutshell

My electronic portfolio
that I slaved over
and whipped up
in less than 5 days
received a
" It was Impressive"
from my administrator
and counts for part
of my yearly eval

Then, the computer guru
called a "cit"
told me
in a btw tone
she showed it to some of her counterparts at a meeting
and she hadn't seen me to ask if it was alright
but she thought it would be

and it was

and oh btw
she says I also sent a copy
to the superintendent

woo hoo... now those are kudos I like

then, the next great thing that happened
was that our evening registration
for the little ones
that I orchestrated,
made all printed materials for
and hosted
with the help of the other two
wonderful teachers I work with
was a huge success
we had standing room only
we were running off additional copies
and we were thrilled

as were the admin
and others who commented on it the next day

I even got a pat on the back
literally, not just figuratively
from my admin
who said "great work"
and we will do it that way again next year

so... my week was great on Wed.

then I was asked to share some expertise
(really just my own experience)
with a reading "program"
at a Language Arts meeting
which is a rep from each team
and some others
and I did, and was patted on the back for that as well

and so,
a good man who likes me
thought I deserved a celebratory dinner
and we went out on Wednesday night
and had a fantastic steak dinner
it was a wonderful evening

and the week went on...

the good things almost made me forget
how much my back hurts and how bad my body aches
I don't know what it is
but it is starting to show
my friends and coworkers are noticing my
"lack" of concentration and attention
and I suppose that is from the pain and trying to minimize it and hope no one notices me having trouble moving
I don't know what it is
but even with the recent massages
and going back to my old tennis shoes
it isn't better
the only chair that doesn't make it hurt
is the big comfy one in the yard
so I am off to sit in the yard
and plan for next week,

sorry, thought a fantasy was on it's way
but I can't even think about that right now.

do the Happy Dance for me...

I Served

Somehow,
in all my years
of being a responsible adult
(ok, I know that is an oxymoron for me)

I have never been served
with Jury Duty
until now
I got the notice last week
I went today
the day before
Good Friday
in fact
on
Maundy Thursday

and it is a holiday at work tomorrow
so it looked like a possible
yes, possible
4 day weekend
and guess what...

I asked a very kind and sweet man
to give me a ride downtown
and he did
and I went through the metal detectors
unscathed
then I signed my life away and
admitted to being white and
mostly Lutheran
and that I was a virgin
at least to the Jury Duty process

I had 3 gentlemen offer help
when I was lost in the building
(or so they thought, I simply hadn't read my paperwork)
when I needed a restroom break
and didn't want to give up
my aisle seat
and when I left
which I will get to

anyway, we were herded in
like cattle
told where to sit (for the swearing in)
told it was our duty
and all the reasons
we could get out of it
not once,
but 4 times
after we were given a handout
that explained the same information
and then...
were sworn in
given a 45 minute break
and when we all returned
and waited for oh...
30 minutes or so
we were told
that 100 of us were going home
and the rest would be
called to a jury room
as possible jurors
so they called about 40 names
none of them mine
gave them their "voucher"
to show employers etc
and then called 40 more
none of them were me

and then
then they said
oh we are so sorry
we aren't going to call any jurors today
so you will all be going home
and then in the next 20
they did call my name

so I came home about 11
after a very kind and sweet man
came to get me and took me to
a late breakfast

I watched some tv shows I have missed
online
and then sat out in the sun
in my new wonderful
fabulous new chair
and listened to
James Blunt
Norah Jones
and Corinne Bailey Rae

and now it is time to go get
my hair done...

Duty done

it is time for some fun

and I am feeling so good
I think I am going to revive
Fantasy Friday on Bennu 2
I miss that...

Have a wonderful Easter
I hope your egg hunt is a great one
and that the bunny brings you a chocolate chicken
just like Max...
(children's book reference)

Available, Yet, Unavailable

I think the high tide is here
At least I hope THIS is the high tide
and not that it hasn't come yet

What tide am I referring to?

The one that comes with the tides
that are changing my life

I truly am mourning
every day, I cry a little more
today I don't know
I don't think I could cry any more
or feel any worse

so many epiphanys (or ies, I don't care, you pick)

in a short period of time

I spent the weekend alone
after a night with the man that
will remain nameless
turns out, he shouldn't have a name
he hasn't been around long enough
anyway

I mean,
yes, I am available
physically, to date
but I have come to the realization
that I am
very much
UNavailable
emotionally to date.

I opened my heart up last year
and it was treated cruelly
whether intentionally or not
and now,
now as I review
my dating life over the last
oh... 6 months
I find that
I have not let my heart
open to anyone else
I have been guarded
and suspicious
and even though
physically, I have to admit
I did let myself open up (shut up, I know how it sounds)
to a few people
a few more than I should have

so today I find
myself
mourning in the deepest abyss
yet

but at least I see part of the
iceberg below the surface
and I think I know
that the hurt of last year
was/is simply the last one
not the first one or the middle or
even close to the first one
but the last one that has truly occurred (never can spell that one right)
but how long
how long have I been
emotionally unavailable?

Probably most of my life
now that I look at it

so that is the gem of the day

we will mine for more later
right now, I am going to bed

cuz you know, I sleep best when I want to escape, and right now I don't like myself very much.

What Planet are You ON?

Or...

Mr. Turnarounds return
of sorts

Yes, he has emailed me

Once over Spring Break


and I ignored it

then again yesterday

and I responded to his short info
with one word answers
of
My break was good,
and
btw...if you want to talk to me
then
You need to "talk" to me

and the response to that was

I will tell you about my trip
when I get the pictures back...

WTF
Hello
Wake up and Smell the Coffee

I ain't interested in your Fucking Trip

I might be interested in getting laid

but you have to "talk" to me first

which we all know
isn't worth it for a man
they would *probably rather jack off

and then I drank heavily
to sleep well
which we can all see
isn't working

and then I am told
that ATS is asking Muse's advice
on whether to contact me
or how to contact me

Ummmm didn't I just make it clear
I am w/o a man
and liking just having
Mr. Duvall
to help me with basic needs

ok ok
so I like him too
that always helps

but other than that
unless they come
to me
and after I do (sorry, drunk blogging)
ready to work at it
* whatever it may be...
then I am not
INTERESTED

Can't say there aren't
several I could be interested in
from my past
but I don't think it is going to happen

so once again I must say

that I am by myself
and it is ok
even when I am drunk
because right now

my needs have been met
I am ready to sleep
and no one cares
that I am on the computer
later than I should be
and writing a drunk post
for my blog

but for those of you
who wished I would post a drunken
picture

so sad, too bad,
you are out of luck

maybe next time.....

The Tides Have Turned

I watch TV
I watch TV less than I once did
not that long ago

but I watch TV less
than most people I know

I do watch several shows
almost religiously as Muse goes to Church

ok, so she skips some Sundays
Like this last one
after our St. Pats Pub Crawl
all day on Saturday

which was great by the way...
just the two of us
crawling from one watering hole
to the next

anyway,
for the last several
and I do mean several
weeks
I have missed some of my regular
religious watching of shows

Grey's Anatomy would be it

so I learned from someone
that I can watch them online
and so, after a month of not seeing it,
or at least it has seemed like a month

I tuned in
online
to peruse what I could find
and watch
and low and behold
there it was
along with several
ok one or two
other shows I like
and sometimes watch
so now I can get up to speed when I want to

I mean after all
since I made this huge
turn in my life
over the last couple of weeks

I will have plenty of time to watch
anything and everything
I want to

what has changed?

well, I went to my mother's house
over Spring Break

and it was pleasant
(except for the initial conversation in the car)
and we had fun
and things went well with my son
and even though it is another post
here is the teaser line

He wants to move back in with me
in the summertime

anyway
I sat in the sun one afternoon
while I was there
contemplating why

Why
why was this trip so different
how were we getting along so well

and it hit me like a tsunami

I wasn't rushing home because of a man
I wasn't wishing I had a man there with me
I wasn't making the trip a dreaded chore

I also, and more importantly,
wasn't making the trip all about me

yeah, that's right,
usually I am upset about having to
cook, take care of things,
listen to my mother belittle me,
and then say she doesn't mean it

this time I cooked wonderful meals
and enjoyed them
and enjoyed my son enjoying them

I did whatever she needed done
and did it while listening to what an idiot I am
and smiled
I am not an idiot
I just don't do everything just the way she does.

It was ok
I was glad to come home
I have been fine
with being here by myself
and I am not interested
at the moment
in adding a man to the mix

does that mean I wouldn't love to have one?
A man, that is....

No, I would
and even though I am
for the first time in my life
very comfortable NOT HAVING one

I am sad too...

I think I have come to the proverbial Wall
I don't want to work at finding one
I don't want to date online anymore
I don't want to get my hopes up
at every first date that goes well
and have them dashed after the second, third, fourth or twentieth

I want to do a great job at my vocation
that I happen to love...

I want to have great times
with great friends

I want to watch whatever show I want
without worrying if it is something someone else wants to watch
and to be able to sit
and cry at a show
for no apparent reason (visible to the naked eye)
without explaining
that it hit some
deep seeded nerve
like the episode of GA I just watched.

We all have scars,
just not all of them are visible
and some are deeper than others

My father died when I was 22
I can really relate to how
Meredith is dealing, or rather not dealing
with her mother's death

I can relate to how Christina feels
confused at the end of the show

I can relate to George and how
it gets tiresome to apologize all the time

I can relate to Izzy wondering if she is going to be
the old lady that is still mourning the death of a man she loved
and wonders what people are saying about her

I can relate with Mr. Grey's not knowing
how to talk to his grown daughter...

and they all
they all touch a nerve in me
and I sit
and cry
and even though I am sad
about not having someone to share my life with

I know I am ok with it
for the first time in my life
and I am not looking
for the first time in my life

so in a way
I am mourning the life
I had
and no longer have
even though I think the change is good
and best for me,

it doesn't mean I can't mourn the loss

so yes, the tides in my life
have turned

maybe I am just secure enough with myself
for the first time in my life
to live with myself

It will be interesting to find out
just Who
I Am.