Available, Yet, Unavailable

I think the high tide is here
At least I hope THIS is the high tide
and not that it hasn't come yet

What tide am I referring to?

The one that comes with the tides
that are changing my life

I truly am mourning
every day, I cry a little more
today I don't know
I don't think I could cry any more
or feel any worse

so many epiphanys (or ies, I don't care, you pick)

in a short period of time

I spent the weekend alone
after a night with the man that
will remain nameless
turns out, he shouldn't have a name
he hasn't been around long enough
anyway

I mean,
yes, I am available
physically, to date
but I have come to the realization
that I am
very much
UNavailable
emotionally to date.

I opened my heart up last year
and it was treated cruelly
whether intentionally or not
and now,
now as I review
my dating life over the last
oh... 6 months
I find that
I have not let my heart
open to anyone else
I have been guarded
and suspicious
and even though
physically, I have to admit
I did let myself open up (shut up, I know how it sounds)
to a few people
a few more than I should have

so today I find
myself
mourning in the deepest abyss
yet

but at least I see part of the
iceberg below the surface
and I think I know
that the hurt of last year
was/is simply the last one
not the first one or the middle or
even close to the first one
but the last one that has truly occurred (never can spell that one right)
but how long
how long have I been
emotionally unavailable?

Probably most of my life
now that I look at it

so that is the gem of the day

we will mine for more later
right now, I am going to bed

cuz you know, I sleep best when I want to escape, and right now I don't like myself very much.