The Tides Have Turned

I watch TV
I watch TV less than I once did
not that long ago

but I watch TV less
than most people I know

I do watch several shows
almost religiously as Muse goes to Church

ok, so she skips some Sundays
Like this last one
after our St. Pats Pub Crawl
all day on Saturday

which was great by the way...
just the two of us
crawling from one watering hole
to the next

anyway,
for the last several
and I do mean several
weeks
I have missed some of my regular
religious watching of shows

Grey's Anatomy would be it

so I learned from someone
that I can watch them online
and so, after a month of not seeing it,
or at least it has seemed like a month

I tuned in
online
to peruse what I could find
and watch
and low and behold
there it was
along with several
ok one or two
other shows I like
and sometimes watch
so now I can get up to speed when I want to

I mean after all
since I made this huge
turn in my life
over the last couple of weeks

I will have plenty of time to watch
anything and everything
I want to

what has changed?

well, I went to my mother's house
over Spring Break

and it was pleasant
(except for the initial conversation in the car)
and we had fun
and things went well with my son
and even though it is another post
here is the teaser line

He wants to move back in with me
in the summertime

anyway
I sat in the sun one afternoon
while I was there
contemplating why

Why
why was this trip so different
how were we getting along so well

and it hit me like a tsunami

I wasn't rushing home because of a man
I wasn't wishing I had a man there with me
I wasn't making the trip a dreaded chore

I also, and more importantly,
wasn't making the trip all about me

yeah, that's right,
usually I am upset about having to
cook, take care of things,
listen to my mother belittle me,
and then say she doesn't mean it

this time I cooked wonderful meals
and enjoyed them
and enjoyed my son enjoying them

I did whatever she needed done
and did it while listening to what an idiot I am
and smiled
I am not an idiot
I just don't do everything just the way she does.

It was ok
I was glad to come home
I have been fine
with being here by myself
and I am not interested
at the moment
in adding a man to the mix

does that mean I wouldn't love to have one?
A man, that is....

No, I would
and even though I am
for the first time in my life
very comfortable NOT HAVING one

I am sad too...

I think I have come to the proverbial Wall
I don't want to work at finding one
I don't want to date online anymore
I don't want to get my hopes up
at every first date that goes well
and have them dashed after the second, third, fourth or twentieth

I want to do a great job at my vocation
that I happen to love...

I want to have great times
with great friends

I want to watch whatever show I want
without worrying if it is something someone else wants to watch
and to be able to sit
and cry at a show
for no apparent reason (visible to the naked eye)
without explaining
that it hit some
deep seeded nerve
like the episode of GA I just watched.

We all have scars,
just not all of them are visible
and some are deeper than others

My father died when I was 22
I can really relate to how
Meredith is dealing, or rather not dealing
with her mother's death

I can relate to how Christina feels
confused at the end of the show

I can relate to George and how
it gets tiresome to apologize all the time

I can relate to Izzy wondering if she is going to be
the old lady that is still mourning the death of a man she loved
and wonders what people are saying about her

I can relate with Mr. Grey's not knowing
how to talk to his grown daughter...

and they all
they all touch a nerve in me
and I sit
and cry
and even though I am sad
about not having someone to share my life with

I know I am ok with it
for the first time in my life
and I am not looking
for the first time in my life

so in a way
I am mourning the life
I had
and no longer have
even though I think the change is good
and best for me,

it doesn't mean I can't mourn the loss

so yes, the tides in my life
have turned

maybe I am just secure enough with myself
for the first time in my life
to live with myself

It will be interesting to find out
just Who
I Am.