Uncomfortable... Again

I was having those back pains
pain shooting down my leg

and for 3 days, they have
literally
disappeared


I am still having back issues
but am now almost sure
they are stress related

so I am glad to know
that I don't have a tumor
on my spinal column
or in my head

no... I am just a
whatever that word is

other than insomniac
which I am also
and today
after my wonderful romp
in a bed way too big for me
alone
and without sleep
so I tossed
and turned
and walked in my sleep
and rambled on here as well

I have had a long day just wishing I had slept
then Mr. Turnaround called
man... that deadline of 10 days was so close
talk about cutting it close

anyway, he didn't give any notice,
just thought he would drop by if I had time
and I offered to go to see him instead
and I did.

He fell asleep watching TV with me
which,
as shitty as it sounds
wasn't so bad
I had a man in my arms
comfortable enough
(ok, maybe just exhausted enough)
to fall asleep with me holding him
on a couch,
as I watched TV

now, as the good
girl scout I am
I did go prepared
but to no avail
he was a zombie
and I left 2 hours after I arrived.

He was cordial
He was polite
He was not as "forward" or
...hmmm... affectionate (yeah that is the word)
as usual
but then again,
he wasn't drinking...

and yet
when I left
I felt so alone
and lonely
and I hate that feeling
and I realized
as I drove home
that I have a bad habit
whenever I have that feeling
I look for anyone
who might take that feeling away
to talk to
any man I know,
and want to be more than friends with
I mean, let's face it,
if they are just a friend,
I am not going to get the same
"relief" as I will from someone
I see in a different light

but I can't call Mr. Wrong
yeah, I hadn't named him,
but now I have
and I can't call Mr. Duvall
(who has a brother that is going to die any day now from lung cancer) since it isn't the time of day I usually call him
and not only that, the tides with him
are changing too
losing your brother must really
make you think
yeah, I think he is truly pulling away
and it is best really
it has run it's course
and I do care about him
but hey,
I know what it is
and what it isn't

lol
so I came up with a plan
I enlisted the girlfriend of my great friend
Mr. RJ
I called her
and explained the situation
and asked if
or rather when
I feel that way
after a man disappoints me
or I disappoint myself
if I can call her
so I won't be so tempted to make
a really bad decision
and a stupid phone call that I shouldn't make.

She was great and said Yes
so we talked of cookies
she was baking
and how I was enjoying the thunder
as it stormed
and everyone else was scared

then I was home
listening to tunes
and writing lesson plans for two weeks

I leave Friday
and won't be back for 5 or so days

Mr. Turnaround did say he would get up
and drive me to the airport
but why not suggest a sleepover?
I don't know
and why should I think he would?
I don't know
leopards don't change their spots
and I sure ain't changing mine
as fast as I would like
but I am working on it

Thanks Ms. Perky,
yeah that's her name,
and RJ, don't you dare tell her.
She is going to help me get through this
and change a bad habit and
in the process
help me rid myself of men I don't need in my life

is it uncomfortable? Hell yes it is,
more so than the shooting pains in my legs
if that is possible..
but hey,
just as those pains did...
this too
shall pass...