It's Been Awhile

I guess I got out of the habit
I mean,
I am not posting daily
or multiple times daily
and still you people come to see
what I have to say

today,
due to lack of posting
I have plenty to say

I gave up Mr. Duvall
not for anyone else
but because it was time

we had a long talk on the phone
Friday night
he was really sweet (as usual)
and said all the right things (as usual)

He was concerned he had led me on
and I assured him
that I always, from the beginning
knew what it was
and what it wasn't

and he asked why I was so sad
and I told him
because he had treated me better
than anyone had before
and that was hard to let go of
and yet
I need to be in a place
to truly let a man into my life
and as long as I was holding onto what
I had with him
that wasn't going to happen

After several great comments
on how he felt about what we have shared
he made me laugh
so he wouldn't feel like he was leaving me sad
and then he told me that he wouldn't call
but if,
I needed anything
or had a moment of weakness
I was welcome to call him
and I said I appreciated that

hell, he even offered to help me move
(because that is in the cards soon)

and I came home sad
(I was working late)
and cried most of the way
and even after I got into bed

then on Saturday morning
RJ called about going to breakfast
and we really haven't seen each other
in weeks
or talked about anything that has been
going on with him and his girlfriend
or his daughter
or my son
and I went out to the car for something
came in and saw that Mr. Duvall had called
so I called him back
thinking
"he is going to miss me as much
as I am going to miss him"
and sure enough
he asked if he could call sometimes
just to see how I am doing
and I smiled
yes, you can, I said with a smile

and we left it at that

I just hated the timing
his brother is terminal with cancer
he has few people in his life (Mr. D)
that he feels close to
and his brother is the first to die
of people he has had long, close relationship with

he is a "tough guy"
with thick skin
and so when he gets emotional
I know it is serious
and I have seen him emotional
about his brother

so I told him to call me
and let me know
so I don't have to read it in the paper

you know I would do anything for him too
and have told him also
like drive him to the dr. office next week
for a really degrading procedure
that he is having done as
preventive medicine

he is a braver man than I

I will miss him dearly
and not just because
he loves rolling around in a bed with me

but because he is a very good man
and has been very good to me.