Stop the World, I Want to get off

When I was pregnant with my first son, my mother just couldn't wait til I went into labor. She kept telling me what a big baby I was going to be.

Why would you say that? I would ask.

Because you are impatient and you can't stand pain. You are the biggest baby whenever you are sick.

And it is true, I am a big baby whenever I am sick, I am impatient, and I hate being in pain, although I have been told I have a high pain tolerance.

January 14, 1987, I woke up to a bed that was soaked. My husband took me to the hospital around 5 am and I was told my water hadn't broken, I had probably just lost control of my bladder and I was dilated to 3 and could stay that way for days. They sent me home.

Very disheartening... I was getting impatient.

My husband went on to work, a drive over an hour away. I stayed up and tried to sit on the couch and watch TV. I had been on bedrest for a few weeks because whenever I stood up my blood pressure rocketed and I would get dizzy and have to sit down. It took me a week to decorate the christmas tree that year.

Anyway....

I turned this way and I turned that way, but I couldn't get comfortable.

When I went to the bathroom, I noticed there was some blood on the tissue paper. I called the hospital nurse back.

Oh that is to be expected since we checked you this morning, don't worry about it, unless it worsens...

I was uncomfortable and getting more impatient.... but I went back to the living room and continued to try to lie down and watch tv.

About 9 am, my discomfort continued to grow. Then there was more blood. I called the Dr.'s office and she asked me if my husband could still drive me to the hospital.

I explained he had already gone to work, but I could drive, it wasn't that far.

So I drove myself to the hospital just as the sky began to spit snow and the wind began to howl.

The nurses hooked me up the fetal monitors and took my vitals and examined me again. Dr. Mary came in and she checked me. The nurses told me I wasn't going to have a baby that day with a very condescending smile.

I looked at her very sternly and replied, Oh yes I am.

Dr. Mary had them give me some morphine to relax, I couldn't lay there on that bed in any position and be comfortable. The fetal monitors were still normal and the belt to measure contractions was doing absolutely nothing.

At 2pm the nurse checked me again and said that I was dilated to a 5 but I could still walk around like that for days.

My mother showed up somewhere around then. We decided not to call my husband until the contractions started, or I was dilated to a 7.

At 4:30 they checked me again and I was dilated to a 10 and I had to start pushing. My contractions were all in my back, and the meds they gave me had me trying to not concentrate on my pain, but my mother stroking my hand from when she got there til we went into the delivery room. My huband showed up about 10 minutes before Gavin (nickname) was born.

At the time I didn't know anything was wrong, but I found out later....

The cord was wrapped around Gavin's neck 7 times, he was gray when he entered the world and had a very low APGAR score, I think a 2. I was not in the best of shape either, my placenta did not all break loose, instead it was in tears and not all where it should be.

Each time the nurses came in they pushed on my stomach and blood would gush from me like a river.

They finally decided I was bleeding too much and scheduled an emergency D&C.

When the Dr. who would be doing the surgery came in to see me, I was so low on blood that I had trouble hearing him and was fairly incoherent, but I know I wanted to know how good a dr he was and what exactly he was going to do.

As you all know, it turned out just fine. Gavin is making his way in life in Seattle. I went on to have one more baby even though I had originally wanted at least 6.

Some things are just not meant to be.

My mother would always brag about how well I handled the delivery and how I wasn't as big a baby as she thought I would be.
I chalked it up to the idea that
I knew when the day was done, my child was going to be there, so it was worth it. The pain would end and I would no longer need to be impatient.

I wish I could say the same for today.

I am in pain.

I have things I need to say and cannot.

I don't know when it is going to end and my impatience is getting the best of me.

I am trying.

I do not wish to inflict pain on anyone else.

I don't know when this pain is going to end and that drives me crazy.

This is when my impatience gets the best of me and I do stupid things, forgive me.

Everyone's advice is

Be Patient (and we all know how well I like to hear that)

and

Give it time, time will heal all wounds

They are so easy to say and so hard for me to do. I know they are difficult for others to do as well and I don't want them to hurt either. I certainly do not want to contribute to the pain of other's regardless of how angry or selfish I have been.