Salmagundi

Yes, I know, you all thought there would be no posts here for a week, and now it is as if I am brain vomiting.

Ok, so it isn't as if... I am brain vomiting.

If I get things out of my head, then perhaps my heart will heal faster.

If I had blogged all I had thought about blogging, it would have been ... Well, it would have been ugly and that would never do, would it? :)

I cleaned off my desk yesterday, to help try to keep my mind off other things. I thought I had removed all reminders of my recent indiscretion but I picked up an envelope just now, as I was preparing to dust and redress my desk and looked at it to see why I was keeping it.

A quote, the one and only I wrote down from HIM.

"If there is anyone I want to be deep with, it is you. Deep in Love, Deep in Lust, Deep in Shit."

and the tears began, again.

I know I will be fine, I know I will be just grand, I just don't know when it will be... and you know how that drives me crazy.

Yes, I threw it away.

I hoped the tears and heavy head and hurting heart would all that I would suffer, but apparently my insomnia has returned. So here I am with nothing to do very early in the morning.

I could have gotten up when I first woke up and made it to the plane to go to Cozumel, but I decided that the trip was tainted and I could not enjoy it at this time. Perhaps I am not meant for such folly, and if so, that is fine.

It was a hard decision, and I wrangled with it right up until 9 pm last night. I have never had such an opportunity, but then it turned into something ugly and I would not have enjoyed it as I had wanted. I have traveled many places alone, and even though I have enjoyed them immensely, regardless of other factors that could make them not so fun, it is not my desire to travel alone. It is my desire to have someone there to enjoy the entire experience with. I don't know when I will have that opportunity again, but I will take it into consideration when it does.
Then again, if it doesn't I am ok with that as well.

I keep thinking about my great aunt, who has been more of a grandmother to me, who never lived or traveled more than 100 miles from where she was born and how she lived a very full and happy life.

It doesn't matter where I go or how much of the world I see. It matters how I choose to spend my life where I am each day. I am going to try to do just that.

Yesterday afternoon was a great respite. Mr. Duvall was in town, which has never occurred before, we have always met in a quaint little town that lies between his town and mine. Yesterday he had been north of Austin on business and was on his way south.

We met at "The Villa" or at least that is the English translation, and had the best afternoon I believe we have ever had together.

He surprised me because he wasn't wearing his usual attire. He had on blue Khaki shorts, a short sleeve white button down, that looked great, sandals (which really surprised me and made me smile) and a baseball cap. His tan was returning and he was in rare form.

For a few hours, my laugh and smile returned.

Then I met RJ for a Poolside and lettuce wraps at my favorite Chinese restaurant. And in my tradition, here is my fortune from my cookie:

The strengths in your character will bring you serenity

I hope it is true. I am ready for some serenity.

Thanks for all the emails everyone, and caring notes, and esp. for being there for me, RJ, Muse, Walker, your love and caring mean the world to me.

Now I think that is the end of the brain dump. At least for now... and you all know that will wear off in a few hours and I will be back.