New Beginnings

Most, if not all
of the blogs I have read
in the last few days
which are about a dozen
state what a bad year '08
was for them

so I started taking stock
of how my year was
It was a difficult year for me
as well
but some very good things
came of it

First the bad stuff
my mom was terribly ill
last spring
and as a result
now has three stents in her heart

I gained more weight
than I have in my life
except for pregnancies

Deaths of family members
of friends and co-workers
really started to shake my resolve
and make the reality of losing my mom
in the future (hopefully distant)
very much a reality

I lost a friend
or so I thought
(by that I mean, I thought
she was a friend, when in fact
she may not have been, actually)

My choices in men
to date were dismal
and I made some
terrible errors in judgement

and now for the good stuff
that occurred in '08

My youngest son
finally started turning his life
around
and although he struggles
he is doing it on his own

My mom and I are
as always
getting along swimmingly
but now with no
heavy handed guilt
being laid down
by her
or taken by me
and it is so much more pleasant
to spend time with her

I only have Mr. Duvall
in my life
as far as a man goes
sure there are some
cameo appearances
by those who shall not be named

but for the most part
Mr. Duvall covers all the bases
in an afternoon
or evening
and for now
I am content

I have made changes
that I feel really good about
in my life
small changes
but ones I like

I stopped watching tv
oh not all together
but am spending
much less time in front
of the tv and doing
nothing else

If I do watch
it is usually
a Netflix movie of my choosing
the news in the morning
or happen chance of what is on
which isn't a big selection
since I gave up all channels
except the first 20 or so
which is plenty
believe me

My job is still stressful
and unpredictable
but is much more pleasant

My new home is beautiful
and pleasant
and great for entertaining
so I am thoroughly
enjoying it
and the decorating of it
has been a blast

SO
WHAT IS IN STORE
FOR THE NEW YEAR?

some
NEW BEGINNINGS

I will strive
in '09
to be the best "me"
I can be
physically, emotionally
and spiritually
for myself
and those around me
that is my mantra,
mission statement,
resolution
and will be posted
at the top of my blog
starting today

Happy New Year Everyone
May everything be fine
in 2009

Adieu, Adieu, To You and You and You

I was flipping channels
looking for something to watch
whilst doing the dishes
to pass the time more pleasantly
and I found
The Sound of Music on
at just the place
where the weather is stormy
and the children all come into
the bedroom
and Julie Andrews starts singing
A Few of my favorite things

This year
I have found out
what a few of my favorite things are

and I won't even pretend that they rhyme
for they won't
they are simply off the top of my head

A man in my bed who is happy to be there

A fire in my fireplace and friends to share it with

Sitting in the big chair sipping coffee
and reading the paper

Playing games, whether darts,
or a silly word game with friends
and laughing

dancing on my hard wood floors
alone or with a great two stepper

Walking down the beach until
I have no idea how far I have walked
and have lost track of time

Brainstorming new ideas
based on a topic
with the muse (Adieu)

Decorating my condo
to feel like home
and lived in (finally)

Writing and reading
great blogs

Having friends and family
come over to my place
to hang out

making someone else's day brighter
with the little things in life
that seem so insignificant

starting a great conversation
with a complete stranger

spending time with a man
who makes me feel so special
each and everytime I am with him

Working out until I am exhausted

Sitting in the sun in the dead of winter
hoping for spring
but thankful for the sunshine

Adieu to 2008,
I wish for each of you
a journey that helps you find
your favorite things
in 2009
Happy New Year Everyone!!!

What are Friends For?

I have lost a friend
one I was hoping to hold onto
and for reasons
I don't fully comprehend

oh I know
what made her mad
but I honestly didn't think
it was worth the cost
of the entire friendship

and she,
well,
she didn't ask me
she took what others told her
and made assumptions

Then she attacked

of course I am not without blame
I did something to hurt her feelings
but not as
cruelly and intentionally
as she assumed

what is funny
is that I don't want to hurt her
and I thought I would be really upset
with the loss
of a friendship that has spanned
over 3 years

we talked everyday
we shared intimate details
of our lives
I thought we had each other's back
and I have since found
she did not have mine

not to worry
I am not angry
I am simply

disappointed

and we talked multiple times a day
and it has now been over a week
during the holidays
which are sometimes hard for her
and for me as well
and I have been
perfectly ok
with not talking to her
or anyone for that matter

the thoughts of
...oh I should call her and tell her "blah blah blah"
no matter what it is
didn't even subside
because I haven't even had those thoughts
which is really
really sad

so ... I have been asking myself
what was our friendship for
if it was to end so abruptly
and for something I see as minor
and forgivable
on both our parts
if I do not miss it

I think I do not miss the drama
although I drew it out of her
each time we talked

I do not miss the snide asides
she seemingly was unaware
she stabbed me with often

I do not miss
walking on eggshells
for many reasons

and I do not miss
trying to be the
"everything friend"

although I know
I create those roles for myself
and am drawn to them
like a moth to flame

so .... are friends in your life
for different reasons
and as some state
"seasons"?

I talked to someone
yesterday
who says he has all the friends
he has ever had
unless they died
even though they may not talk
or stay in touch
he still considers them all friends

so I told him the long
sordid details
as I recall them
and he says

well then,
either you speak to her
or she speaks to you
or you choose not to

If I did speak to her
here is what I would say

I am sorry you were hurt
it was not my intention
nor do I think the cost of our friendship
appropriate for the deed
you so mistakenly understood
I committed
I wish you well
I will bother you not

If you choose to contact me
I am not angry
I am simply
disappointed

Outsourced to India

Recently a call was made
to cancel cable
due to incompetent service
and a call was made
to hook up with my cell phone provider
so that all could be in one place
and service would be comparable
and yet,
much cheaper....

all was well in Bennu Land

the internet was actually faster
the home phone - a new number
the bill - exceptionally lower
basic cable channels
more than enough to watch
as I wean myself off TV watching

Netflix provides a great distraction
when one is needed
and still
all is cheaper than before

Saturday night
I had a great party
with an intimate gathering
of about a dozen people
and afterwards
I had a great story to blog
and so I fire up
the laptop
and start typing
in the middle of it
I lost the internet connection
with my wireless router
and it could not be restored
I talked to the service provider
and after 2 + hours
around the witching hour
I am told
it is the software
on my computer
and not my router or service
and am provided phone numbers

so I go to sleep
wake up Sunday
late for me, after 10 am
and pick up my home phone
which is cordless
and dial the company
I bought the computer from
and am on hold
waiting for a wireless representative
and then

then my phone goes dead
the battery ran down
from being on hold for
over an hour

so I gave up for the day
and took the automated voice
suggestion
and called back today after 6 am
after being on hold
for more than an hour
I finally was connected to
a very nice man
who was obviously in India
but his accent was not so thick
that I could not understand him

He walked me through several steps
only to find that I needed to reimage
my computer
which we did
and now I am once again connected

my only thought
other than hating being outsourced to India
and how well I was treated by
a complete stranger
that I spent over 2 hours
on the phone with
after the 70 minutes on hold

my only thought
was
if they can get people in India
to work so much cheaper
that is no
Fucking reason
anyone should have to be
ON HOLD for over an hour
hire more of them
they aren't celebrating Christmas

but I have to say
he was nicer than most
and even made a point to say
he would check again tomorrow to see
if I was still
"connected"
to the world

It is amazing all the things
you think you will look up
online
only to remember you can't...

other than that
the weekend was great
and I may post more
later
in reference to that
hell, now I can't remember
what I was going to blog about
in regards to the party
I am just happy to be
reconnected
at the moment...
have a great day!

A Very New Merry Christmas Eve

My mom and I
decided at Thanksgiving
that I would stay at my house
and she would stay at hers

It was the first Thanksgiving
ever
that was just her and me
and Christmas would be the same
if I had traveled there

My youngest son
spent Thanksgiving alone
and so I felt
I should make Christmas
and the festivities of the holiday season
come alive at my house

Really wanted my mom here
but her health and stubborn-ness
kept her from the trek over the river
and through the woods

Tonight she said it was
the quietest Christmas Eve
she could remember
and tomorrow
she is going to her mother's house
for the first time since I was very little
so many many years

so I feel better that she will be with her mom
and my son will be with his

Today was a glorious Christmas Eve
We drove around after I picked Goober up
and passed out party invitations
for the Mid Holiday's Eve Party
this Saturday
and then we spent hours
making tamales at a friend's house
and then
after making them
we ate them
they were great

Much to my surprise
we were able to bring 4 dozen of them
all different flavors
home to cook and eat at the party

Goober wants to have
Seafood Boil for Christmas dinner
so we stopped by the store
and bought a few groceries
and I gave him 20 bucks
and told him to surprise me
since I didn't know
what Santa would or wouldn't bring

He walked out of the store
with a beautiful Christmas bouquet
of Purple and Green Flowers
perfect for my home
and he knew it

We drove home
and unloaded the groceries
about the time
we shut the door
and locked ourselves in
for the evening
the next door neighbor
rang the door bell

Bennu, oh Bennu
you have two packages
at my house...

What? I ordered a new phone
yesterday morning
but didn't dare think it would be here
already
but it was
a beautiful pink phone
to put in my stocking
from the only Santa I know
or so I thought

The other box was from
Harry and David
You know, the goody boys
and I opened it
and a beautiful box
of yummy treats
and a card that said
someone had ordered them for me
as a gift
and the name was on the outside
of the main box
well, yes
Virginia,
There is a Santa Claus
and he sent me a beautiful box
of great goodies
that made me smile
and ever so happy
that someone was so thoughtful
and wonderful
during a very trying holiday
without my mother here
and without me there

Thank you
and whether you believe or not
God Bless you
A and L
I hope you have a very Merry Christmas
and since you have my address
the party is Saturday night
anytime after 4:30 pm
hope to see you here
but if not
your yummy goodies
will be on the table of goodies to share

Goober and I are sipping divine coffee
watching a movie
and enjoying being with family
I hope you are doing the same

Remember the Christmas Spirit
is the most important gift you have
to give

Happy Holidays

Long List

Having some days off...

the number of which is debatable
since I don't count the eves
or the actual holidays
so I say
I have 6 days off
it just happens
that with weekends
and holidays
it adds up to two weeks
straight
but I digress.

I decide to get some chores done
some much needed chores
and this afternoon
I sit
feeling guilty
for not getting more done today
and then I think about
what I did get done

I set up my dsl internet
46 minutes on the phone
with technical support
but hey, now it is done
and it is faster than the cable
that I was using...
woo hoo

set up new phone service
24 minutes on the phone
with technical support
which was a waste
I figured it out on my own

20 minutes taking down
the cable modem
setting up a tv in the living room
getting the cable hooked up to it
for basic cable
and plugging in the tv
woohoo
now I can watch while I do the dishes
or at least listen

Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen
I guess if you add up all the time
it doesn't add up to that much
but when you look at the list
and add to it
that I heated up lunch and ate it
dug through a big stack of mail
and threw most of it away
and am not about to shower
and go out for the evening
I got more done today
than if all I did was eat bon bons
and sit on the couch
or lay on the bed..

Now I am going to wrap a gift
and get ready for my evening

have a good one
stay warm if it is cold where you are

Christmas Presents

Man, it is dark in here
nd there is so much room
to move around
I hope no one picks me up
I mean
that lady
she sure liked me when she bought me
and she was very clever
she put me in this
long tube

but that girl,
Bennu I think I heard one of the boys call her
she really likes peeking at her presents
I think she is overly curious
and excited
about Christmas in general
but her presents especially

she keeps talking about how much she wants
a twirling baton
and how she thinks the girls that twirl
with the highschool band
are so pretty and talented
and she wants to be just like them
Her brothers tease her unmercifully

I would love to slide out of this tunnel-like
container and Whomp one of them
upside the head
but that would seem pretty weird to them I bet


the saleslady at the store told Bennu's mom
that I am really sought after by little girls
Bennu's age
so I am really looking forward to helping Bennu
to be whatever she wants to be
and protecting her

I have only been under this tree
a day or so
and I still can't remember how long
it is until Christmas morning
and we are all
sprung from our confines
and back out into the world

Man, I hope she likes me
and I get to go outside often
with Bennu
to school
to a game
wherever she wants to take me

oh sshhhhhhhhhhhhh
(in a whisper)
there she is again, sitting by me
looking at her other gifts
and carefully un-taping them
and peeking at what her parents bought her
and
oh oh
she is picking me up
she is looking at the ends of the tube
oh it sounds like she is peeling the tape off
and
oh
I can see light
and she is looking in
oh
oh
oh
no
she doesn't look happy
she looks very disappointed
she didn't even pull me out of the tube

her mom thought she would just love me
that is what she told the saleslady

Now it is dark again
she taped the end cover back down
and set me down in a hurry
I think I heard her mumbling
something about me
I am not sure what she said
but I do know I heard
my name
Mickey Mouse Umbrella
in what she mumbled

I hope she likes me anyway
even though I am not a baton
and she was mumbling something
about really wanting a baton
and not getting it...

maybe on Christmas morning
she will be happier
to see me

right now I think I will sleep
awhile
all this excitement has made me tired

zzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzz
zzzz
zzz
zz
z

yawn... finally!
it is finally Christmas morning
I heard the adults putting more gifts
under the tree
it woke me up
but I am still the most unusual package
every thing else is in a box
or sitting out
for all to see

oh and there is Bennu
holding me up
and shaking me

now she is telling them
how she wonders what I am
why would she do that?
she already knows what I am
now she is taking
the end of the tube off
and taking me out
hey
she is smiling
and she is thanking them
over and over
and telling them
she loves me
she really loves me
she opens me up
to full size and stands up
holding me over her head
looking through my clear skin
and commenting on the
pictures around the edges
of Mickey and Minnie
and the other characters
oh..
that hurts
she isn't very good at closing me
but that will come with time.
Whew
I am glad she set me down
now I can rest from all the excitement
and watch her open everything else.

Funny, I heard her talking
constantly proclaiming how she
really wanted
a baton
for Christmas
but I never saw her open one...
oh well
at least when it rains
she will take me with her
wherever she goes
and we will have a great time together.

Ideal or Real? That is the question

The fabulously full moon
lit up the chilly winter night



It smiled down at me
as I sat in the big lounge chair



mind wandering
heart hurting


wishing upon a star
and wondering
where you are


you? you know
the man that is to love me
all of me

each part of me
equally and with vigor


recently met a new prospect
who was so clever in email
with wit and humor
to match few I have ever known
and a body that won't quit
his only admission of a set back
was that he is
folicularly challenged

what?
no hair to run my fingers through?
hmmmm well

that isn't a deal breaker
so just a few minor points
will be deducted...



then his "system" of weeding
out the women
was revealed
a 4 point system
where you receive all
or none of the point

It is there
or it isn't
You are acceptable
socially
physically
emotionally (and/or)
intellectually


or YOU AREN'T


as my system is a 100 pt scale
where you are scored
to the degree you are
folicullarly challenged
etc.
and if you are above 80 pts.
well, you are a catch to be sure



so tonight as the beautiful moon
and the crisp clean air
envelope me into the night
I contemplated what bothered me more


that in his eyes,
I did not "measure" up
and out of the 4 pts he awards
I am only half of his
Ideal woman
OR

that I am angry
at myself
for letting a guy
make me feel "less" than I am
yes I said that right

You see
I don't want to be someone's
IDEALISTIC Love
I want to be someone's
REALISTIC Love
someone who will love me
no matter what my challenges are
and that I KNOW
I will love no matter what his
challenges are
someone I can love for who he is
not who I want him to be
and
who loves me for who I AM
NOT for who he wants ME TO BE

and then the chill creeps in
I smile at the moon
the moon smiles at me

then as clearly as the moon
sails through the sky
I realize

I like being me
and when the man
who is meant to love me
comes along
he won't have a 4 point scale
he measures his women by
and he may not make 80 %
of my scale
we will measure each other
with our hearts
and life will balance out
beautifully

Deck The Halls

The tree is standing tall
and looking good
in the living room
of my new abode
to stay with my themed decor
a beachy tree
it will be
with turquoise and purple
with silver and white
and brand new lights

The decking is tomorrow
and I am looking forward to it
brewing hot toddies and sipping them
playing and singing Christmas Hymns
wrapping the lights
around and around
hanging the ornaments
in all the right spots

yes, I am looking forward to it
and can't wait til tomorrow

Merry Merry Merry

I have been in the spirit
the holiday spirit

the Christmas SPIRIT
since before Thanksgiving

I can't wait to see the lights
I squeal with delight
as my neighbors decorate
their patios
and doors
with colorful lights

I arrived home from a date
unable to sleep
chose to drive around
and look for the brightest spots
in my old neighborhood
the big blue tree
was not shining bright
but the street that never disappoints
was beautiful and
oh so SHINY
and I surely needed
some
ooooooooooo shiny

Unpacking one box
on Sunday
when I was needing
a huge music fix
and my cd's
from the tall stand
not the car
were still in a box
I found
my Christmas music
and much more
then I put in
one of them
and had a great
Christmas Music
Mix
I mean
Fix

so, in this frenzy
of holiday spirit
I did find a great
tree
and brought it home
and set it up
all on my own
on Thursday night
and here it is
Monday
and I haven't even
dug out my
lights
and other decorations
but tomorrow
tomorrow is the day
for decorating
so tonight
I met the muse
at Home Depot
and helped her get
her Christmas tree
carried it home
on top of my vehicle
to her home
unloaded it
and helped her
get it in the house
after putting it
in the stand...

so go out
and sing along
to
the Little Drummer Boy
or enjoy gazing
into the lights
or help a friend in need...

whatever you do
enjoy it
this holiday season...