40 days and 40 nights

it has been raining here
and it is
DRIVING ME NUTS

I can't sit by the pool
I can't walk every day
like today, it was raining
when I got up
when it stopped
I had laundry I had to get done
TODAY
so I used the
interim "no water falling from the sky"
to put my laundry
in the wash
and then it rained off
and on while I was
waiting for it to get done,
transfer to the dryer
or bring in and hang up
which I did,
despite the rain
and in between
I was working on
cleaning the kitchen

which with my son here
is the
never ending story
or task
and the one day I asked him
to do the dishes
I ended up
doing them all over
not because I am so picky
but they really were
NOT clean

but he is at work today
so I did the dishes
and laundry
and it may start raining
again
any minute
but now I don't have time
to walk
before I cook lunch
or after
or later
because I do have
dinner plans

so today, today
the rain is keeping me
from walking
again

and there is standing water
everywhere
and since my son
has some "payback" work
to do for me
I had him venture into the back yard
a couple of afternoons ago
to retrieve some camp folding chairs
that were out in the weather,
and a cooler
and throw some other stuff away

but after asking him
4 or 5 times
to carry them around to the front yard
and take them out of the cases
and wash them down with a hose
I gave up
and did it myself
I mean he was standing there
and if I needed him to move something
he did it
but he wasn't getting his hands dirty

anyway, I left the chairs
open and out in the yard
so that they could dry out
and they haven't had a chance to get dry

in fact, I have emptied water
out of them every day
and sometimes twice a day
and the grass is so wet
that water is standing
and it is like walking through a bog

so the yard looks like
I had a wild party last night
or for a few days
but not yet I haven't
although I do have one
in the making

so the rain is keeping me from getting
that stuff put up

The rain is not my friend
I don't do well with
cloudy days
one or two is ok
but days and days
or 40 of them
is not good for my psyche'

and those who know me
can see the effects

The muse suggested I try
a tanning bed
to see if that would help
but I am not doing that

I am going to try to make
my own sunshine
and hope that the rain ends soon

Black Market Elfa

Craigslist is an amazing site
My good friend RJ turned me on
to Craigslist last year
if you remember
THE EXPERIMENT
and I recently
was discussing motorcycle parts
with Mr. Cajun man
and he told me he gets them
on Craigslist
so I went perusing
to see what else was there
Low and behold
I found some things for my classroom
from a teacher that is retiring
that were a steal
so I continued perusing
since I am "getting organized"
and Ms. Boo and I are
looking for organizational containers
and I came across an ad
for three sets of Elfa (namebrand) basket/shelving
so I email the woman selling them
she wants 60 bucks for each of them
so I ask if I can come look at them
and she says sure
she lives off a major highway
in an area of town
that I believe is one
one of the better ones in town
and when I ask for an address
and that I will look it up
online for directions
and she says
you know, it doesn't come up
online
so I will just meet you at
*local restaurant
off *major highway
and when you exit
just call me
and I will be right there
oh... ok
so what do you drive?
a silver mustang...
oh ok and I drive a
blah blah blah
so off down the yellow brick road
I go
I arrive at the restaurant
and she arrives
blonde, young, and
in a mustang...
hmmm wonder if she
knows Mr. Turnaround...
yes, the thought did run through
my mind, but it isn't the best part
the best part is
she drives out the back of the parking lot
and around a corner
and I don't know what happened then
but I found myself
in a mobile home park
from the the distant past
and not a small one
or designed in rows and rows
that are parallel and perpendicular
but streets that wind around
and around
and we drive until I can't remember
how many times we turned or where
finally we pull up
in front of a mobile home
that made me quiver
with flashbacks of when I was 10
and we lived in a mobile home
while remodeling a house
we had moved from another location
any way
we get out and she has her daughter
5 years old
with her
then the son is being dropped off
by the babysitter, grandma, dad
I am not sure
he is 7.
The boy starts fussing with his sister
and sister says
"you bastawd"
with her little girl voice
with no "r"s
to her big brother
and then we go inside
and she has just moved in
she tells me how
the mobile home
was a gift from her dad
for graduating from
dental hygienist school
and it only took her 7 years
to get through it...
ok... well... good for you,
and I say much nicer things
of course, I applauded her
and in my head am thinking
at least she is trying to pull herself up
by her bootstraps
and that is good
The Elfa shelving units
were great
I bought two for a 100 bucks
and loaded them in the car
and as we were just finishing up
a car stopped out front,
her sister
who didn't know she was selling stuff
and questioning her about it
and then how long we would be
because apparently I was in her parking place
and then the neighbor pulled in right beside me
and got out of her car
suddenly I was glad I hadn't brought my son
because she had tattoos on both wrists
all the way around
going up her forearm
and they were flames
like you see on a car
orange and red
and BIG
and she gave me a dirty look
as she got out of her car
because my side door was open when she pulled in
so I apologized if I was in her way
and closed the doors

Now don't get me wrong
I think everyone has a right
to have or not to have body art
to pull themselves up by their bootstraps
and to have a good supporting family
but what was getting me
was the Trailer Trash mentality
that was washing over me
like a tidal wave
then I tried to drive out of there
and it was like a labyrinth from hell
I didn't think I was going to get out of there
finally, after I must have taken
the 100 dollar tour, I found an exit
but it was not where I entered

I drove straight to the Container store
to see what kind of deal I had gotten
and sure enough
it was a great deal
if I bought each unit new
(and they looked new)
they would have each been
over 200 dollars each
and as I regaled the Muse
with the tale complete with visualization
she brought up the question
how this woman came to have
these shelving units
maybe they were indeed
"hot items"
well the mustang driver
gave great details of
what she used them for
and how they go together
and she kinda knew the original prices
of each
and I am not sure
she could have made all that up
but you know
there is no telling who got them for her
or how...
hence the title
Black Market Elfa

yes, the path along the yellow brick road
is a bit scary at times
and you see things in places
that you never would imagine them


but eventually
on my path
I will find my home
though it won't be where I left it

Procrastination

Recently
in reminiscing
about a man
that was in my life
I went back and read
nearly all my blog entries
to see how I viewed
how things were going with him
but really
more looking for
how things WEREN'T going with him

and I found there was much I didn't blog
about how the things he did
or didn't do
affected how I felt and thought
and that is ok
but the part that really bothered me
as I read my entries
is that they were pretty shallow
mainly about my dating life
that doesn't have a very long
shelf life
most of the expiration dates
(pun intended)
were short-lived
but it has been an interesting year

I have said way too many times
some things
and others
that I thought I had said
I couldn't find at all

so it is time for the procrastination to end
I have decided to continue blogging
and although some will still be
work related
even though the conflict there
is gone for now
perhaps I will have great positive stories to tell
we will see
I am going to stop blogging about
the men who come into my life
and then go out (some of them much sooner than I would like)

I am going to blog on a third blog
called Under blog
as I continue getting in shape
and it will strictly be about my perilous journey
through the land of no sugar and low fat
and trips to the gym (wicked witches castle)
to contend with the flying monkeys (gym rats)
and my walk and what I think about
while walking
so.... I must stop procrastinating now
and go walk

Have a great day!!

Happy Fourth of July

If things went as planned
I would be posting from
my mother's house

If things went as planned
I would be watching
a great fireworks display
in a small town park
where the beautiful sky
is lit up
by a thousand tiny lights
of red, green, blue and gold
and saying
OOOOOOOOO
Ahhhhhhhhhh
ewwwwwwww
(the good one, not the bad one)
while sitting in comfy lawn chairs
with my mom
my son
and my friends
tonight

but obviously,
you know
things don't usually go as planned
and I am not there

my son didn't ask off of work
and I won't leave him here alone
for over a week
so
we didn't go

of course, yesterday
he found out that he doesn't have to work
until Saturday
and we could have gone
yes I know,
every year but that was 2 days too late to leave
so here we are
The muse and I contemplated
a local baseball game and good music
but due to the ever changing weather
(read as instant downpours with no predictability)
we decided we didn't want to be rained out
after buying the pricey tickets

so at the moment there are no big plans
I 'magine I will mosey over the the park
by RJ's house if it isn't raining
he tells me they should be
as good as the ones I love and miss
back home
so I should at least see if there is anything to that

The Beach? you ask

for several years
I have gone to the beach
in fact
the muse and I went last year
and we talked about it
but we haven't gone yet
and I am not going today
it is a long drive
when coming home late in the dark
and really
that thought was always with the idea
that someday a man who loved me
would travel there with me
so.... no.... not this year

the dates are plentiful
the depth is not...
but I am having fun
most of the time.

but I digress

We are celebrating our Independence
I am a very patriotic person
It is important to me
to stand at attention
when the Star Spangled Banner
is played, and that men remove their caps
and I don't mean just stand up
I mean stand straight and tall and proud
I sing it also when we all know I can't sing
and when the Pledge of Allegiance is said
I think everyone should have their hand
on their heart and looking at the flag
with respect and honor

There was a time when the boys were in boyscouts
and they went around before holidays such as this
and put out flags in the yards of every one in town
(when we lived in a small town)
and I have always had a US and Texas flag in my classroom
(you would be surprised at how before 9/11 classrooms often didn't have flags)

and then there was 9/11
and it was a horrible tragedy
I am not talking about that today

I am talking about being patriotic
so after 9/11
people had flags out all the time
(which if they are flying after dark
are suppose to be lit)
they had them on their cars,
in their offices
they had paper ones taped to their windows
bumperstickers

all of the sudden there was a shortage of flags
for the flag making companies
because we must now flaunt
our patriotism

I was outraged
these were what I know as
fair weather fans
only it wasn't due to fair weather
it was due to an attack on our nation

and I have noticed
slowly but surely
the flags all started
to fade away
just as a bad memory does

My 18 year olds birthday
is June 14,
which is flag day
and the story I have told before
is that he always asked
why the flags were out that day
(in a small town, you notice when
every yard has a flag flying)
and I told him, for a long time,
it was because it was his birthday
and the whole country was celebrating


I didn't notice many flags flying on that day
this year
and it will be interesting to see
how many are out when I go out today

and I am hopeful
that all those who had been
so outwardly patriotic
were now understanding
that even though it is great
to be proud and raise your flag
on every day
or special days
it is better to be inwardly patriotic
and teach your children to be
proud of the country they live in
and understand all the freedoms we have
that so many others do not
and with freedom comes responsibility
to make good decisions

and then to realize
that even if you teach them
they will be the ones deciding
how they will honor themselves
and their country by the decisions they make

I read somewhere in the last few days
how much "less" patriotic we are
than we were right after 9/11
I hope that we are not less patriotic
but there are just fewer flags flying

that didn't exactly sound right
I hope the flags that are out today
and on other days
represent those who are truly
deep down patriotic
and not just a knee jerk reaction
in anger
for a tragedy
like a bulldog
protecting his yard
after a bully sneaked in and stole his bone

I also hope
for a quiet day
for all our troops
and no one's life
is lost on this day
of independence.

Happy 4th of July
for my American Friends
and as for you Walker
maybe someday you can
come watch the fireworks
in TEXAS
cuz you know
everything is bigger and better
in Texas

Dating Feastily

In recent months I really have had some interesting thoughts about my dating life

The muse pointed out the other day
that even though
it may seem like
FAMINE

and believe me,
since giving up Mr. Duvall
there has been a famine

my dating life is really
when looked at over
the entire expanse
of my life
as a single person,
as a teenager, in my late 20's
and again since my late 30's

My dating life is
in FACT

A FEAST

And yesterday it all hit home
I was getting ready for a lunch date
with Mr. Cajun Man
(sung to the Secret Agent Man tune, but
not to be confused with the Muse's SAM)

and I mentioned to my son
that I would be gone for a date
then pick muse up from the airport
and then had another date

His response was
in an astonished tone
"Another date? are these all the same guy?"

"uh... no... there are 4 of them I have been out with
this week alone..."

and as I stood there
I realized
hey...
that's pretty good
4 different guys
paying me good attention

after the poor attention span
of those who came before them

of course
it may be famine again
in a few weeks

but honestly
here is the run down...

oh and they do not
not one of them
think that I am dating only them
and I did
yes I did
get second and third dates
or 4th as the case may be
from all of them...

ok, on to the gory details
because someone will ask (Alex)
if I don't tell... (possibly Walker)
oh and before I go on...
No Walker, I haven't yet...

Yet being the key word...

First there is Mr. Cajun Man
very much a gentleman
yet, he is
and he reminds me often
with little inuendo
that he is ALL MAN
well educated
great voice
well spoken
good vocabulary and witty
makes me laugh often
and on top of that
has a great truck
a harley
and the owner of a huge company
and likes all the same things I like
(so far)
that's the vain part
the sincere part is
that he is very good to me
and makes me feel great when we go out
YES, he takes me out... what a concept
Yesterday we had our 4th or 5th date,
and each has included a meal and an excursion
somewhere interesting
it is so nice to ride in a vehicle and not drive
and we have had great talks
and he gets it when I say "what"
and tells me what he was thinking
and when he can tell my wheels are turning
he asks me "what?" and I tell him
there is definitely a good connection there


Then there is the Bug Man
which is a whole 'nother story all together
self educated
smart and philosophical
has one small son
just old enough to go to school this fall
we have had trouble getting together
but we finally met up for drinks last night
and by the time I got there, I needed one
and he looks much younger
even though he isn't
and he was very complimentary
but a bit wishy washy
still, good positive attention
wants a second date
or the second half of a second date
(we stayed so long he called it part of the second date)
we went to a local patio grill
and had a few drinks and some chips/dip
then after we had decided to leave
he suggested we go in and sit at the bar
and have one more
Hence, the half date
I ordered Bailey's and Hot chocolate
with whipped cream and drizzled chocolate sauce
and it looked very seductive
so he got one too
and we flirted a little dangerously
over those two drinks.
Actually, I think he wanted to lean over
and lick the whipped cream off my lips
as much as I wanted to lean over
and lick the whipped cream off his lips

but we didn't,
he walked me to my car
after some wonderful compliments
and I got a great good night kiss
and the anticipation of another date...
He was very tall,
and great smile and great eyes
and he owns his own company as well


Then there is Mr. Z-Car
not to be confused with Mr. Turnaround
He is very liberal
well educated
funny and likes the
quirky places I like to go
We have been out twice
and had a great time both times
the kisses
ohhhhh they are
luscious and leave me
well...
in a dry spell
you can imagine how they leave me
he is very complimentary
about my hair
and smile and laugh
and laughs at my subtle jokes
He likes to play Scrabble as do I
so a challenge to a game
has been accepted
He is in between jobs
but doesn't seem to have money
issues,
he is an engineer
and has had some pretty major jobs
in the past that vary in amazing ways
so the stories are very interesting..
He only asks me out about once a week
so I am looking forward to next week

and last
but not least
is Mr. Deep
as in Deep Sea Diver
and I am not going to use
a name that has diver in it
(not in the middle of a dry spell)
He is funny
is starting a great company
that has a product that is very much
in demand right now
so it should go very well
He calls often
talks wittily
and even though
technically,
we haven't had a real
first date yet
I know that next week we will

so the last few weeks
it has been a feast
and according to the Muse
I seem to be
really enjoying it
and she is right
I am..

and that is just it
I am having fun
and not worrying
about where it goes
or doesn't go

It is a change
and I like it...

Look to the Horizon

Good things are on the horizon
A trip home for the 4th of July
Showing my home town and
all that go with it to the muse
who has bravely
agreed to go where no man has gone before

don't get excited,
all that means is that she
is driving with me
to see my mom
for the 4th of July
and do some hiking and sight seeing

and no,
no men I have met while in South Texas
have ever ventured that way with me

that is all that means, but hey
it sounded really good
didn't it?

and there are some fellas
on the horizon as well
I had a dinner date on Tuesday
blogged about it
I have a lunch date today
and a tentative
"Let's have drinks" date
tomorrow afternoon.

The expectation is
they will all be pleasant
and fun
and it will be like trying on shoes

some will fit better than others
some will cost more
some are prettier
some are more practical
for my lifestyle

but sometimes I do walk out of the shoe store
without any shoes
but the ones I wore in....

and I am ok with that too

So a trip home
some great fireworks
and good friends to share it
some Nice Dates
oh.. and things
with my youngest son
seem to be getting better
but today
today he hasn't gotten out of bed
to go to work yet....

his job is not as glamorous as he
wanted it to be.

but things are looking good
on my horizon.
Hope they are looking good on yours.

Lower the Life Boats

It has been raining here all day
Not just a steady slow rain
but pouring
pounding
lightening
thunder
RAIN

I got up,
dressed for my walk
saw it was cloudy out
drank my tea
put on my shoes
put my house key
and cell phone
in my pocket and walked outside
that is when it started raining
and I keep waiting for it
to stop
for an hour or so
so at least I
"think"
it is safe to venture out
for over an hour
on a walk

but it hasn't
and now,
well now I a sleepy
because I don't have
a man here
to roll around in bed with
on a rainy day
but
yes
the next best thing to that
is having a nap
so I think I will go have one.

Hope you are
high and dry
or have the life boat
close by

I wish I had a lifeboat
but I don't
I have to save myself
and right now,
a nap is the answer.

Wow... So That's What It's Like

I gave up Mr. Duvall sometime back
and since I posted about it
I have also given Mr. Turnaround
the signal to Turnaround and Walk Away
and he did

so here I have been
just kinda hanging out
going for my walk
getting stuff done around the house
visiting with friends here and there

and day before yesterday
I was asked out for a date
and last night I went out on said date

and you know what
he opened doors
he was friendly
he paid for everything
he was complimentary
we had great conversation

and when we parted company
he asked if he could kiss me
but he didn't go overboard
but it was really very nice

and I know I don't usually use the word nice
it isn't one of my favorite words
but in this case it fits perfectly
and I mean it in the best way possible

now, what was really nice
about my date
is that
although he was tall
handsome
height weight proportionate
and very literate

I didn't have any expectations
beyond having a good time

we parted saying we would like
to do something again sometime

and that was that,
it was very nice
to have a date with a man who
at least knew
how to act on a first date

not a project
not a sex hound
not a non-talking illiterate

wow, I may have turned a corner

I sure hope so

Meet Me at the Pool

Yes, it finally opened
and
Yes, I sat in the sun
and tested the waters yesterday
and it was great

ok, not the greatest
but still,
it was great
to sit in the sun
and talk a little while
and have a cold drink
and dip my toes
in the cool pool.

I was much calmer after that

think it is good for my sanity

I have been told recently
that in conversations
I am not really saying much
or asking much

and then I look at my last few posts
and in a way
I am repeating myself

I think it is the stress of all
that is going on
the changing of my lifestyle
that was interrupted
but I have to say
that interruption
has started to become
a pleasant one.

My son and I had
a very pleasant day
yesterday.

I just kindal figured out
how to
Let Go and Let God

and so far,

it is working,

so meet me at the pool
and we can take a dip

have a great day....

A Sigh of Relief

Tough Love is TOUGH

It isn't just tough for the one
that you have to show it to
but it is hard for the person
who has to give it/show it

Who would like telling their child
the things I have had to tell mine?
No one I don't think

and I have to admit
that he has been pretty good
about all the rules
but he still drives me nuts

of course he is being good
because he knows he has burned all his other bridges
and I am the last one who will give him a place to stay

Yesterday
he finally was offered a job
and he took it
it isn't going to be as glamorous
as he thinks it is
but it will be a start
and perhaps give him a "bridge"
til he can find something better for him

or maybe it will turn into something better too
I don't know

what I do know
is that when he told me about it
over our BLT sandwiches
I had to find a way
to let him know
that he asked to come and stay
til he got on his feet
and if I don't give him
a plan or idea
of when he should find his own place
he will mooch off me indefinitely
and blow his money
as fast as he makes it

so
August 1, I said
the 15th at the latest
is when you need to have your own place

of course he didn't like it
he likes a free ride
who doesn't
but apparently
once your children move out
it is much harder to have
them in the house again for
undetermined number of days,
weeks, .... we won't think that last part.

so... he has a job
woo hoo

just when he was trying to pawn
an amplifier
so just in the nick of time...

I wouldn't have been buying him a sandwich,
but I was hungry and haven't gone to the grocery store
purposefully
and I hate to eat out alone
I do it
I just don't like it...

It was his celebratory dinner
which is sad,
because it was just BLT's...lol

we are getting along
better than I thought we might

That is a good thing...

Vacation Time

Ok, I am ready
School is out
I had everything packed up
and cleaned up
on the first day,
so the second,
"bad weather makeup" day,
was utilized
with preparations for next year.

Doesn't that sound like
I am working on organization?
well... I am

so Saturday was the first day
at home,
with no school to be
on Monday...
I brought too much stuff home
as usual
some was perishable,
which is always scary to leave
and yucky to bring home.
and the rest were notebooks I need to put pages in
and they are for next year.
Then I have to take them back
but hey,
they will be ready to go
on Day One
woo hoo

now you would think
I would go to the pool
(yes, it has clean water in it,
but, NO they haven't opened it yet)

or attend a happy hour
or hand out and have fun
but actually
my youngest child
has been here over a week
and his older brother was here
for 5 days as well
over the Memorial Day Holiday
which was great and a whole 'nother story

but my youngest has burned all his bridges
with his father, who said he could not move back,
and with my mother
who doesn't trust him and is afraid of him
(somewhat understandably)
and since he has been here
he has been nothing but trouble for me.

Up all hours of the night,
leaving windows open,
doors unlocked,
lights on...

now, that is not so bad,
I know
but then he gets in his vehicle
and drives around
in a city he doesn't know
and after 2 am

the first night,
his eyes told the tale
of alcohol or drugs
and I told him
there were new
curfews,
10 during the week
12 on weekends
no matter your age
those are my curfews

and that was when
he was to be
in his room
not just in the house

if he thought he could steal money from me
in the form of my coin collections
he better think again
I have them all rigged
so that I will know
if he has taken any of my jars of change or money from them
because he had taken
at least 30 dollars
in quarters
since arriving

and there will be no alcohol consumption

then the alarm
that woke me up at 2
the first night I caught him
(as stated above)
the alarm woke me again the next night
a watch I believe
that he can't find
but one that is set for 2 am
WTF?
apparently
it is in a box of stuff
he didn't think he had room for in his room
so it is in mine

the third night
the alarm went off again
but in his room
and he
he was not here
I call his cell
oh
he is at the burger place
getting something to eat

eating out for the third time in a day
when he has no job
and little money
and there is food in the house

that is not good....
and it is past curfew
not good again

when he gets home
I explain that
if it happens again
just one more time
he will be out of my house

the next day,
he did as I asked
with a good tone of voice
and we went on

later in the evening
he wanted to grill some skirt steak
so he went to the grocery store
and got it

he made the fire
he cooked,
he cleaned up after himself
and then about 9:30
a windy storm blew up
so I went downstairs
to ask him to bring some things in

on the porch was a cooler
from the convenience store on the corner

In the cooler was beer

apparently he asked a homeless man
to buy him some beer
and gave him some money for it

at least he was honest with that answer.

so what would you do?

I am glad I have friends to ask
because Amused Muse suggested I take the car keys away
and I did.

so no, it isn't a vacation

but it is Vacation Time
and I really need one.