The Dog is Still Dead

Life's lessons come to me
in very strange ways sometimes

Sometimes I am the one
who learns things the hard way

Sometimes I am the one
that has to have the same lesson
over and over
and people wonder when
I am going to "get it"
and eventually I may
and then again
with some things I may need
to have the lesson a few more times

Sometimes I just have to have
a "sign"
you know
you have heard it
they say to you
"here's your sign"
I have to be hit over the head
with it
and then
all of the sudden
it is all so clear

today was one of those kind of lessons

if you need the story to the title
it is
in a nutshell
your are on the porch with your dog
the dog runs out
into the street
and is run over

the first scenario is that the car
that hits it
goes right on down the road

or

the driver stops and gets out
and apologizes over and over


which one occurs doesn't matter

the dog is still dead

so which one is best for me?
and who do I blame for the dogs death?
and how do I forgive and forget and
can I ever be friends with the driver
after what they have done?

It is all my choice...

In nearly all my relationships with men
I have never been able to be their friend
whether they broke up with me
or I broke up with them
something in me
doesn't give me closure

of course it all goes back to
my relationship with my dad
as most women won't admit to
but it is true
we look for men like our dads
and I really think
most men end up looking for women that
are like their moms

I mean, c'mon, we know how to deal with them
we know what "works" and what doesn't
from our years of living with that person
and their personality
and all that trial and error
for years and years
makes it easier

and apparently
I am going to end up
being just like my mother
(broad statement that may or
may not be true, but just go with it
for a minute)

so if I am looking for a man like
my dad
and I am going to be so much like
my mother
and their marriage was a miserable
long drawn out series
of disappointment on both sides
that ended in divorce....

how is that going to work for me?

I can't change who I basically am
I can work on how I interact with others
but on a bad day
you can see forever
or rather, the real me
I can work on my appearance
and first impressions
I can improve my knowledge
of trivial useless facts
and my double entendre's
(ok, yes, I have those down)
but that little thing
that I keep being told
about myself
that there is "just something"
that gnaws at them
or bothers them
or that they can't really put their finger on

well, I don't know what
to do about that
that is the part that draws them
and then repels them

I will just stop expecting much
and will try not to ask questions
or show any insecurities

oh wait a minute
I will TRY... that was the word

and that is with everyone
right now it has more to do with
work relationships than any other
since there aren't any others right now

but yes, a lesson learned
today,
one I am sure others have tried to teach me before
and it just didn't sink in...