F***ing Weird Days

I am so tired of having them

I felt it coming on yesterday

I asked the Muse....

why do you think I am having

such a hard day?

she replied

"Is your intuition talking to you?"

Yeah it is...

and this morning...

more of the same.
I was craving
something I haven't craved
in months-------
something I haven't had
in months-------

and yet I knew
I couldn't

or at least

I shouldn't

and she said

"g'head, g'head..."

it will be ok

"No, I know
what will happen
if I give in
to this again, so NO< "

I cannot afford
to move backwards
and fall into a situation
that I know is not good for me

but yet, my mood is bad
I am having cravings
I feel something is amiss

and yet I am powerless

and Diet Coke is not the answer
to my stress and discomfort
in my mind
that tells me
something is up
and when it is time to find out what it is

I will be waiting


and the muse had my answer
this afternoon

It came to her in the night
and even she called it UNCanny

so
I give up


I call Uncle

I don't want to have these cravings anymore
and giving into one
will mean giving in to others...

not a good idea



time for bed,
I hope that sleep comes
and that your day is a good one.

A Wonderful Day

I worked my ass off
last week
preparing for next week
so that on Friday
yes, day before yesterday
I could leave work right away
and take my new friend
on an adventure

Originally, he had suggested
we go to Fredericksburg

"Have you been there?"
he asked

"Uh... yeah, but if you
want to go there, we can..."

"No... let's go somewhere
sometime that we have both
not been to" he said

and I smiled....

thanks, I wasn't up for another
F-Burg Fiasco

between the waterboy
and others who won't be named
I don't have much (ok, any) desire
to go there...

so I thought up a great adventure
and I asked if he
wanted to know
what I had planned

"No, I like surprises"

so I rented a room
on the island
with two beds

I cut out coupons for discounts
at the Lexington
(hey, I haven't been to see the blue ghost, so what if I have been to CC before, I love the beach, we all know that)

and I hoped we would
have a great
cajun boiled seafood dinner

and Friday
we were off
for a day of adventure

It was great

He was thrilled,
He knows more American History
than I do
great details
and it was like having
my own personal tour guide

We did walk a little on the beach
before we got on the ship
and it was a sunny, warm day
with cool water on my feet...

I could not have created better weather
if I had that capability

but the best part

the best part
was that I told him
that the room had "two beds"
with the hint that I would like
to NOT go TOO far
just yet
and he said
"well, I would really
like to sleep next to you
and hold you, but if you would rather I sleep
in another bed, I will"

*smile

"Ok, you can sleep with me
IF you can behave yourself"

"I promise" he said

*man, I have heard that before...

but he did, he was great
he kept his word
even though I could tell
he didn't want to keep his word

but if he only knew
what it meant to me
he would know that
he would reap great benefits
from it in the future

Boys and Girls
the lesson here
is that he may just give
Mr. Duvall a run for his money
for the award:

Best man in Bennu's life

In the category of:

How to treat Bennu


It was a wonderful time
and neither of us wanted the day to end
and return home
but we did

even though I had a choice
he offered to stay another day

but he was honest

he could not promise
he would "behave"

and I laughed...
that's good to know
I thought

I am not sure I could behave either

so we came home

and I slept alone
in my bed
and actually got some rest

and I have a whole day
to continue getting ready for my week.

And listen to Norah Jones...

Just a few Random Thoughts

I have thought of
at least
seven different posts
I would like to write
over the last few weeks
but they aren't
coming to fruition
in my head
so here are
bits and pieces
in one post

hold on boys,
it could be a bumpy ride
*********************
There is a man
a man who is
DEFINITELY
paying me good
positive, respectful
wonderful attention

I have been trying
since I wrote the V-Day post
to think of a nickname for him

NONE
I mean NONE have
come to mind
to stand for the essence
or hint at anything
of him, related to him
or sound right
for him....

then I wonder,
each time

What does that mean?
Does that mean I shouldn't
talk about him?
Does that mean he is above
a moniker?
Does that mean he will turn
into something greater than
the others over the last few years
or my whole life
for that matter?

or
Does it mean
simply
purely
that I have just
not thought of the
perfect nickname yet?

Simple answers are the best...
***************************
I am having trouble
with that concept this week.

Ever since I purchased
New Norah Jones CD

which speaks to me
on so many different levels
as if she were writing the words
because I couldn't

but it isn't full of simple
it is full of complex
thoughts
emotions
decisions
ideas
and all the little things
that should be simple in our lives
but aren't

like voting
loving
taking care of ourselves.

Anyway, since I bought that cd
I have listened to it
at least once a day
and some evenings
over and over

so, I am not handling
simple answers
or questions well.
*******************
Mr. Jones emailed me
on Monday
it was a one liner

"I wish I was spending this weekend with you"

and my lovely
complicated
over thinking mind

thought

Was that an invitation?
Is he wanting an invitation?
Should I break already made plans
so we might could get together?
Should I travel to see him
or expect him to travel here?

I emailed a reply
that I couldn't this weekend but
perhaps the next

he couldn't the next

He can't spring break either
dr. appts all week

I tried to think of a way
to do a stop over
on my way to my mom's
via air plane
since she said she would pay
but that was a
cluster fuck (see the stress? feel the stress?)

so after
several one line
emails over the course of
two days
I call
to get voicemail
and a little while later
he calls back

I ask
"were you thinking
you would like to come here
this weekend?"

and follow that,
before he has time to respond,
with

"I might could change my
plans, if so".

and he says

"No, I knew I couldn't this weekend,
I just wanted to let you know
I wish I could."

AHA
the fucking simple answer
I should have known

yea, I wish I could see him too
but alas
that will not be the case

but I will see someone
who is quickly becoming
very caring for me
and that will be nice too

********************

The house is rented now
the new renters asked
if they could paint
and I obliged
so
my "agent" called
and asked
"do you realize they are using
water based paint over the oil
based paint? "

uh no....

goat screw
that is what that is
or a
cluster fuck

take your pick

I can't do anything about it now
they aren't going to change directions
midstream
so I will have to fuck with it
when they move out.

oh boy, what fun
I have painted that house before
the window pane trim takes forever...

*******************************

I tried to talk to my supervisor
about the rumor
that she may move me
to another grade level
and how I feel I am at the level
and I mean grade level
that I feel I make the biggest difference
and that I can do that for her
or I can do that for someone else
because I will not teach another grade level.

but she didn't really say much
except that is a decision that is discussed
at the summative conference

well now I don't know whether to get on the
transfer list or not.
I did tell them that if I had to
I would go back to waiting tables
but I wouldn't be teaching a higher grade level.

so I may be a beach bum
next year
asking you to send me money
via paypal
while I lay on the beach
looking for the fishermen
or mermen on the beach.

sounds pretty good right now....

**********************

I am tired,
I have been working late
visiting other times
with my new friend
and trying to get some things in order
one of which is
selling/giving away
some furniture
so the furniture my mom
sent home with me
will fit in my apt.

finally feel that is coming together
but it will depend on the next
few days, like a week actually.

It remains to be seen....

*******************

On that note, I know I didn't cover
all seven
but I ready to do something else
for a little while...

like pop popcorn
and sit and eat it while
watching a bit of tv....

have a good one

Gritting My Teeth

I am Stressed

I am stressed at work
trying to help youngsters
get ready to be promoted
to the next grade level

I am stressed at work
dealing with
The Bitches across the hall
as little as I talk to them
and as much as I ignore them
it is still stressful
in meetings
and as we "collaborate"
to put on a show
in front of the masses

I am stressed in heartfelt ways
One reason I can't discuss
but can relate

Mr. Jones told me
that V-Day is difficult
for him because a woman
he was very much in love with
was born on that day
and he met her on her birthday
and he doesn't want to remember
or let it bother him
but it sneaks in
and it does interfere

We all have experiences
both good and bad
that make imprints on our lives
and one of the ones I am experiencing
right now
is that sometimes
it is nicer knowing
that if you wanted to find someone
you know where they are
but when they are no longer there
you feel as if you have lost them forever

that really bothers me

I am stressed by my family

My youngest son decided
at the tender age
of 17
that he would move out
of his father's house
and into an apt. with a friend

He didn't tell me
his father did
who, if you have read previous posts
didn't put up a fight
he just let him go.

I tried to call my son on V-Day
and left him a message
when he didn't answer
but he hasn't called me back.

He has called my mother
who is taking him to eat and shop
this afternoon.
But she did learn
when she asked where to pick him up
that he is back at his dad's house.
But no one has called to tell me that
except my mother as soon as she heard it.

I am stressed about my apt.
I have too much stuff
I am trying to weed through it
and get rid of some
but things I do have
are very sentimental
and that makes it hard
to let some things go.

Time to work on it
is an issue as well
because I am spending so much time on work
of late.

so ....
when I am stressed
I grit my teeth
awake and asleep
I have had a night guard for my mouth
for awhile
and I use it
but my jaw is still sore
and I catch myself holding in
the stress
in my jaw and my shoulders
and other places as well

A really good clue for those around me
to know when I am
beyond
and want to call Calgon
to take me away
is my use of a common slang word

FUCK

it is every other word
and the other day I read a post
on Beyond the Crossroads (see sidebar)
and this is an excerpt from that post
that was titled Fridays and F's

but it certainly true for me
and gives all examples of how I use
the F word while in this state

so here it is... enjoy


Did you know Fuck is one of the most interesting words in the English language today? Out of all the English words that begin with the letter ‘F’ …fuck is the only word referred to as ‘the F word… It’s the one magical word. Just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language is derived from German …the word fuieken, which means to strike.
In English, fuck falls into many grammatical categories:As a transitive verb for instance …Carl fucked me.As an intransitive verb…Carl fucks.
Its meaning is not always sexual, it can be used as..An adjective such as …I’m doing all the fucking work.As part of an adverb …I talk too fucking much.As an adverb enhancing an adjective …I am fucking beautiful…..Yeah right.As a noun …I don’t give a fuck.As part of a word …absofuckinglutely -or- infuckingcredible.And as almost every word in a sentence …Fuck the fucking fuckers.
As you must realize, there aren’t too many words with the versatility of fuck…such as these examples show:Fraud …I got fucked at the used car lot.Dismay …ahhh fuck it.Trouble …I guess I’m really fucked now.Aggression …Don’t fuck with me buddy.Difficulty …I don’t understand this fucking question.Inquiry …Who the fuck was that?Dissatisfaction …I don’t like what the fuck is going on here.Incompetence …He’s a fuck-off.Dismissal …Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself…
With all these multi-purpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word. Use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech.It will identify the quality of your character immediately.Say it loudly and proudly…FUCK YOU!
So to recount FUCK here.
1. The universally recognized “F word”2. N. Implying complete and utter confusion3. N. a really stupid person4. V. To procreate5. adj. Can be used to modify any word for more passion6. Int. Expresses disgust7. Int. Expresses complete surprise and joy8. adv. Can be used to make a command more urgent
1. I do not accept the “F word” as your name2. What in the fuck?3. You stupid fuck!4. I suggest we go fuck in the bed while eating crackers and petting a cat name Smoltz!5. This fucking guy was so fucking weird. He asked me if I was fucking insane.6. Aw, FUCK!!7. Holy fuck! You guys rock!8. Just fucking jump before I fucking kick you in the balls!
And a little historical significance.Adam to Eve: Wanna fuck?General Custer: Have you ever seen so many fucking Indians?!?Captain of the Titanic: Where’s all this fucking water coming from?Mayor of Hiroshima: What the FUCK was that?!?Todd Beamer: Fuck these assholes. Let’s roll.
Fornicating Under Consensual Knowledge a.k.a FUCK (caps) or fuck (lowercase for those lazy bastards who can’t hold the shift key).
Person 1: Do you FUCK?Person 2: Why yes, I do FUCK.Person 1: FUCK is sooo good!Person 2: Yup, FUCK sure is. Person 1: I am FUCKing right now….Person 2: Oh indeed.
Acronym for:First United Church of KenyaFornicate Under Crown/Consent of KingFirst Upper Cut Kill
Also the act of having sex.The adjective used in any sentence to make you sound more serious.An extremely overused word.
He fucked me at the F.U.C.K.I got the paper to F.U.C.K. so now we can have sexI’m not fucking kidding. I just told the fucking fuck to fuck off.

Oh Fuck just use your imagination…..

While I was out Reading Other Blogs

I came upon this...

I liked it, so here it is

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship. You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Post Valentine's

Well I would have been fine

if I hadn't had any plans
on the Day of Love

but I ended up with some
after all

a man I just met on Sunday
for a wonderful lunch
and a movie so I could
spend a little more time with him

asked me if he could cook
dinner
for me
and I let him

Well I would have been fine
if it had been one entree'
but he made two
Honey BBQ Salmon
and
Chicken Cordon Blue (sp?)
and they were both great
and I sat and watched him
create this delectable meal

It's about time I wasn't the one
offering to cook a meal

Well I would have been fine
if I had lived through the day
without some of the news I received
but no...
the demons that make sure
that news I don't even want to have
reaches my ears..
and from the most unexpected people
like the Librarian at school
whose Man's name is Angel
delivered the news
and now I don't know what to do with it
other than let it go.
I can't really divulge the news
and really it isn't the point
the point is...
it came to me in a most unusual way
on a most unusual day

Well I would have been fine
with Mr. Jones
just calling on the day of Love
even though I sent him
a package for the day
oh and did he call....

he freaked out
he was having a rough day
and he basically
gave me my walking papers
and then hung up
without a chance for me to respond

Well I would have been fine
if that was the end of it
but he did call today
and apologize
and we are back at the point
of making plans for a rendevous

Well I would have been fine
just to talk with Mr. Duvall
but it turned out better than that

I have
yes
I have an afternoon date
on Saturday
and boy am I ready
for a little release
banter
and playfulness

Well I would have been fine
getting a kiss on a special day
or a chocolate cake
but I didn't
not even from my new friend
but he is moving slow
and I like that

and his eyes
and body shape are that
of one of my favorite people
from my past
who shared many interests of mine
including camping
and eating chocolate cake
and making trips to town for ice cream.

Just a slight resemblance
and many similarities
and I smile every time
I see a new one...

Well I would have been fine

And I am...

and no settling for crumbs...

Fellas,
I want it all
and I can give it all
but if you aren't up to it
move on...

Well I will be fine
if he never comes along
but if he does



I will be finer.

What I Miss / Happy Valentine's Day

In the last 6 months
a few men
have come into
my life
and
gone out of
my life.

I miss
the banter
and touching
with Mr. Turnaround

I miss
the laughter
with Mr. Sullivan

I miss
the attention
and willingness to drive
to see me
by Mr. Motorcyle

and I mentioned to the Muse
yesterday
when I said something
just the way
Mr. Turnaround
would say it
that I miss him

and her jaw dropped

I mean
I miss the good stuff

with some of them
for me
there was only good stuff

but with him
well with Mr. Turnaround

there were issues
and he kept saying
he would have more time later
he would call more in a week or two
or by the middle of Feb.

but that wasn't true
he was making choices
that didn't include me
so I let him go

but I do miss him sometimes
I think we all
think about good things
in our past and miss them
and miss parts of the people
that are no longer in our lives

I miss men I haven't talked to
in 25 years
and some who I haven't talked to
in only one year

but the things that pull you apart
the things that you wonder
if you could have gotten past
and chose not to

I do not miss those things

I guess all this mushy reminiscing
comes as Valentine's Day
is approaching

I think this is the first time in my life
that I am not upset
because I don't have
a man in my life
that constitutes wishes
of something special
on the day of love.

Now there are a few men
in my life
that I am glad are there
Like Mr. Jones
who
even though he lives far away
is calling on a regular basis
and is planning a trip to get together
I just don't know when
or where

then there is
Mr. Duvall

who said the forecast
was foggy
as to whether or not I would
see him this weekend
now that hunting season is over

but he calls to see how I am feeling
even though he knows
I am nearly fully recovered
from my illness

I told him today
that it was ok
that he
would miss me
in a few weeks
hunting season or
no
hunting season
and I would be happy
to share his company then

he laughed
and said I was probably right.

and then there are
a few men I have been talking to
but nothing has come of it yet

and yet,

I am not excited
I am not worried
I am not wishing

for anything special this next Wednesday

I think that is a sign of growth
in learning to be
An Army of ONE

Happy Valentine's Day
My blogger friends
I love you all...

Afternoon Drinking Post

Birthday Celebrations
and Salutations
Oh
Not for me
but for MUSE

She wanted
to try new makeup
so I took her for
a makeover

and a pedicure

with my favorite
man who sometimes
gives me pedicures
(yes, oriental, and talking
in another language most of the time)

and I got my nails done

and then to lunch at PF Changs

but I did let her treat to lunch
and we drank

I drank heavily
considering I haven't been
drinking for the last few weeks
due to being sick
as a dog
and his brother

I am feeling better now
which is about the time
for the shit
to hit the fan
in my life
and it has

news about my youngest son
moving out of his father's house
without his father putting up
ANY fight
and he is only17

possibly being moved from
my dream job with 5 year olds
to an older group
which I refuse to do
so I may be moving
to another city,
state, or country
(only because I am looking for
a job as the teacher of the little ones)

I don't want to move
and yet
there is nothing tieing (I know, I have been drinking,
don't fuck with me about my spelling)

me to this town
or the district I work for
I am
in essence
The FREE BIRD
ready to go where I want
with who I want
and when I want

too bad that isn't in my horoscope
it says to look for another job
not to let them push me around
but really
and truly
I just want to stay where I am awhile
but I certainly do
want to be closer to the coast
eventually

so I guess I can start looking any time
it isn't set in stone that I will be moved
but it isn't a good sign when you hear
it is a possibility

I was just
AM JUST
ready for
a little
steadiness
and it isn't working out that way

the muse and I drank at lunch
and it isn't a good idea
for me to drink right now
I do
blunk drogging
and dialing
and text messaging
and sometimes
email writing
and it ends up
hurting
more than it helps

so I am off
to take a late afternoon nap
and sleep off this feeling
of

well, you know

have a good one

and remember
I hold the market
on the shit
hitting the fan
of late

so don't feel like you are the only one

Why You Walker? No... We can all ask WHY ME

Saturday I came home
after a night out on the town
with the Muse

*we went dancing
but I didn't get asked
to dance
and really
neither did she
but I didn't expect
to get asked

anyway,
my clothes were smokey
my hair was smokey
all that was missing
was the bear to put out the fire

I laid down on fresh
NEW clean sheets
and tried to sleep

I had fitful sleep
smelling smoke at times
which I instantly thought
was my hair
and then I could smell
skunk
and I kept thinking
I was dreaming it
or it was a combo
of my illness not yet gone
so my nose was confused
and the smoke in my hair
Monday I worked til 9:30
yes, at night
and drove home
just in time to see
2
count'em
2
skunks
duck under my abode

hmmmm I wasn't dreaming
there are rodents
of odor
under my apt.

So I sleep with suspicion
that I may smell a skunk
literally
not just in my recent dating life

but it was a pleasantly
non odorous evening
and I called the management
first think Monday

Next Example:

My birthday was over a week ago
I was sick
very sick
but before my birthday
I asked 3 people in my life
yes 3
The Muse
RJ (actually for him to get his girlfriend to do it)
My mom away from mom

to bake me a hot water chocolate cake
for my birthday
not a store bought cake
but one like Granny Bea made me
as a child

Uh.... not one cake has surfaced
Now if you want the recipe
It is on Bennu Too
under a Fantasy post
about Having My Dessert
and Eating it too

THEN:
My house I own
yes now I own it outright
had one last payment due
the mortgage company
couldn't tell me
3 weeks ago
what the payoff was
until 2 days after I called them
now
since the house is empty right now
I was having trouble
coming up with the cash
for the payment
so I asked about putting it
on a credit card
OH no, they don't do that
it has to be a check
hmmm ok
so I asked for the payoff date
to be today
FEB 1
and in the time I have lived
at this address
over a year now
they have yet to get
a statement in the mail to me
so once again
I give them the address
so they can send the
final payment amount to me
and of course
it never came

so day before yesterday
I called them
and try to make a payment
over the phone
after they gave me the pay off amount
only to be told
that for a final payment
they cannot take check by phone payment
I will have to mail a check
and it has to be there
on FEB 1
for the amount to be correct
so I had to write down
their mailing address
as I listened to it
from a woman in INDIA
and I had trouble over
my cell phone understanding her ACCENT

Have I told you how much I hate OUTSOURCING?

Anyway,
I go to the post office
pay 15 bucks to guarantee
the check was there yesterday

and Now I am a proud homeowner

it is just that the house is 550 miles away
in a town
I don't care to live in
ever again

but I can rent it and pay off some debt
and that is what I am working on.

NEXT
This morning is a big day
It is the 100th day of school
and we do all kinds of things
all day
that have to do with 100
I didn't sleep well
I woke up an hour early
*hence why I have time to post
and I walked into my bathroom
and flip the light switch
and the bulb blows
no light
gtting ready in the dark

FUN>>>
on a big day at school

yeah, I have light bulbs
but if you saw where the light is
you would understand why
I didn't change it this morning

but hey
I have that to look forward to
when I get home tonight....

so the degree
to the
WHY ME
does vary

and I admit
I would be very frustrated
if I was Walker right now
(see Lost Here and Beyond)
but I don't even remember how to link
so you have to look in the sidebar for his site

I have to go to work now
counting to 100 all day
and cooking 100 panckakes

Have a good one...