Rambling On and On

I have thought of several posts to write of late. However, I haven't had enough time to "expand" on the thought and get it down on "paper" here
So this is a collection of some of my thoughts...
not in any particular order
other than the order of how I remembered them
when I sat down just now...

First of all
the week before I went to my mom's
I went to the cable company
and picked up a DVR
you know
one of those boxes that helps me
record shows and look at all the channels
and stop and start a show so I am not
missing a show

I had one a little over a year ago
and I got rid of it
to save on my monthly expenses

I missed it
I missed it every time I didn't get to see CSI
because I was watching Gray's Anatomy

and when I was at my mom's
and she could rewind and listen to what I missed

and I am loving it
I spent a good part of Saturday Night
watching shows from the week
since I wasn't home any night last week

Yeah, I know
I had a dinner date on Monday
(that's one that ain't working out)
Dinner with RJ on Tuesday
Dinner at PF Changs by myself on Wednesday
Thursday Muse and I went to happy hour at our favorite hangout
Friday I stayed at work til 9

Anyway, I loved sitting on the couch
speeding through the commercials
watching what I wanted to
when I had time to
It was nirvana
I watched CSI, Grays Anatomy,
Criminal Minds, Desperate Housewives,
Side Order of Life

I was sharing my thrill of watching
what I wanted to
with Mr. Duvall on Sunday afternoon
hee hee hee hee
and he asked if I had taped any
of the baseball games during the week

Shit... no, I wish I had thought of that
but I didn't.
but I will now.

I love the new show called
Big Bang Theory
it is hilarious
and I am cheering
for the geek in it
I love it

They are playing the Wii
on How I met your mother,
I love it
that is how the tennis is
btw if you haven't played a Wii

things are weird at work
and it doesn't look like they are getting any better
anytime soon,
but we will see
looks like it will come to a head tomorrow

keep ya posted
if it is worth talking about


A few weeks ago
when I was cooking
fried green tomatoes
I had to buy peanut oil
did I tell you that story?

at the grocery store
peanut oil comes in two sizes
one small bottle
just enough for a big pan full
or
it comes
in a 5 gallon bucket
now
I was standing in the store
thinking
what would I do with a
5 gallon bucket
then I had a vision
similar to mud wrestling
but with peanut oil instead
I left a voicemail
with Mr. Sullivan
because we had talked of it once
explaining the hilarious thing
that had just happened to me...

and weeks later, yes it has been
at least a month
I got an email from him today
asking if I knew
where he could get some
peanut oil
it was a much needed laugh
that I really needed.

I wrote back
that I had some in the swimming pool
in my spare room.


I hope he laughed too

funny, he has been in my thoughts of late
as others have as well
must be the time of year
and subtle reminders
like
the baseball playoffs
cooler nights
made for drinking outside
football season
I miss going to highschool football games
I know, I thought I never would
but I do...
it is just hard to watch them
when there is
not a child I know
that is playing
and I am not an alumni
nor is anyone I am with
since I have no one to go
to one with...

then again,
even when you choose not to date
doesn't mean
you never wish you had someone
to go to a ball game with

Cycles, things come and go
in cycles
I have a friend
or actually, now that I think
about it
TWO
that I have talked to
off and on
for several years
one for three
from early blogging days
who has gotten back in touch
and it was great
to chat with him
for an afternoon
he lurks here often
with my blessing
and even though
he has his own trials
and tribulations
we enjoyed a friendly reparte'
here just the other day
and it was great respite
from both our worries

and then there is the other one
I have known for over 6 years
and is in Australia
we met when I first started
struggling with insomnia
it was a perfect relationship
I was unable to sleep and online
he was just getting his day started
and was online
Over the years
we have talked on the phone
when he was flying through the states
and we chatted online when we were both here
and we have always flirted
in a friendly, innocent way
and sometimes
he would flirt more
and others, when i learned
he was dating someone
he flirted less
of late
he has been leaving me messages
every day almost
that are very flirty
and yet, I know
it is a cycle
that will end
when his loneliness subsides

today,
today, I wanted a shoulder
a hug, someone to talk to me
and that I could talk to

and so
the cycle returns
or the tides turn
and I wish I had someone
to talk to and hold
more often
than the
never predictable
Sunday afternoon

no matter how great it is
or well he has treated me
(which is amazingly well)
it is still what it is
and it isn't what I want
in the long run

I wish I knew
what the alignment
of the planets is today
so I could stay home in bed
next time

needless to say


it has been
A DAY
and a HALF

but now it is over...

I am off to write a birthday post
on Bennu Too
since I can't sleep...

Out and About

Last week
while in the airport
waiting for my flight
out of town,
A conversation
arose
with a man
who lives in the Alamo City
he was interested
in taking me to dinner,
I learned when it was time
for me to board the plane
so I gave him my number
thinking
at the time
nothing will come of it
I liked him, I thought
he was hispanic
when in actuality
he is middle eastern
but he was very charming
and there were some sparks

And he DID CALL
and wanted me to have dinner
on the evening I returned from my trip
At first, I accepted
then after returning
to son troubles
I called and rescheduled
and Monday evening
we met and had dinner
the food was wonderful
the conversation was great
so... you are wondering
what was amiss

well, in our phone conversations
he kept bringing up sex
and how good his equipment is
and how women are always so
IMPRESSED
now, you should know by now
that I have no issue with discussing
such matters
but when we haven't even
had a first date
It really is a turn off for me
so yes, I was leary
of having dinner
or anything else
and yes, I did just have dinner
and no hanky panky dessert

then last night
after having my hair done
and feeling pretty
I wanted to go somewhere
and I was hungry
so I went to my favorite
chinese food restaurant
and sat at the bar

Not too long after I sat down
a man sat down next to me
he was a bit older
he was friendly
turns out we went to the same college
and grew up near each other
he was meeting his daughters for dinner
he was in town from San Diego
on his way to a high school reunion

We had a great time
and I just kept thinking
man... if he invited me back to his hotel room
I would be there in a heartbeat

he introduced me to the daughters
on their arrival
and included me
in the conversation
before they departed
for their table

I hadn't been there long
when he showed up
just long enough to order
a drink and calamari
which I ate after he arrived
so I stayed
and ate dinner
and wrote some notes
for work
and enjoyed another drink
before I left
and they were still at their table
visiting when I walked out

I wanted to walk over
and give him my number
I wanted to thank him for
the great conversation
I wanted to see if he would
visit with me after they left

but I didn't

I couldn't

and as I walked to the car
I thought how funny it was
that I met two men
in public
in a week
one couldn't wait to get me alone
and I didn't want him to
just because of his words
and choice of topic
and the other
I would have slept with
in a heart beat
but alas, he
wasn't really an option
I mean, c'mon
San Diego?
but man he was really interesting.
And he paid me a great compliment
Seattle came up,
I said I had a son there,
my 20 year old
and he said,
"You don't look old enough
to have a 20 year old"

say it with me

AWWWWWWWW
thank you!!!!

so.... an interesting week
so... far....

Much Ado or Much To Do

Gone for 4 days
Back for 1 afternoon

Couldn't wait to get back
Now wishing I could have stayed
indefinitely

Came home with an itch
that I didn't go with
guess the smoke
and dry air
and lack of bottled water
did not agree with me

All clothes stink of smoke
so laundry had to be done

the manchild lost/quit
yet another job
and spent money on things
other than a place to live

Haven't thought much
about work
so tomorrow
there will be much
magic being done
(pulling lessons and things
to do out of my magic hat)

Need to call the dr.
regarding the itch

Open a new checking acct.
at Wachovia
(get a gift cert. to Academy
is the incentive)

Grocery Shopping
since he ate all the
snack stuff I had
and I need food for the week

Glasses need adjusting
but that has been going on
for a month

paying of bills
cleaning of dining room

But my trip
was a good one
my mom loved her
Birthday Cake
Italian Cream
that I baked for her
and I sang to her as well
it was great

I visited my favorite
shop that
was one I went to
often in my younger days
and it was filled
with those that are the age
of what I once was
when I was there

Purchased a mermaid siren
whose arm was
mysteriously broken
by the time I got her home
and it is no where to be found
so she is in the trash

also picked up a Bennu pendant
and a horny toad charm

I met a really nice teacher
from another nearby district
on the plane
and that is a good thing
She is in a book club and
invited me to join
which I will

Since a move is in my future
her district is an option
so any new friends
and friends of theirs
is always good
but a good "insider"
is good as well
so it is a twofer

I did have a guy
wanting to take me to dinner
I turned him down
I have enough drama right now
don't need more...

I did contemplate it
I would like someone in my life
but right now
it just isn't good for me

My to do list is long enough

have a great week...

Birthdays.... have me thinking

Thursday I flew to see my mom
Friday was her birthday
As soon as I got here
she said
You know the last time you were here
was in April

uh... no, I hadn't thought about it
but you are right
I was trying to take care of my son
or rather take care of my stuff
while my son was at my house
so no... I haven't been here like
I normally would be
at least a week or two in the summer

Anyway, I asked what she wanted
for birthday dinner
which is apparently a tradition I started
and not her
because she was open for suggestions
but finally she chose
and I cooked

fresh peach cobbler
with peaches I brought with me
from the Farmers Market
using a recipe I created

Fried Chicken and gravy
(I learned how to make gravy here,
and it does make a difference in the climate,
elevation etc. because the best gravy I make, is made at my mom's house)

Mashed Potatoes

Steamed Broccoli

and Salad

She invited her cousin to join us
I like her,
she keeps an eye on mother when
I am not here
so that was cool

I thought her friends might call
but they didn't
I thought my oldest brother might call
but he didn't

I knew my grandmother would call
and she did
and Mother told her
I was here
and brought fresh peaches
for a cobbler
and we were going to stay here
and she would talk to her later

She didn't invite grandmother
and my alcoholic aunt who was visiting
to join us
and I didn't suggest it
I don't care for either of them
so it was best to not have them here

Both of my sons called to wish her
a happy birthday
and that made me proud.
Out of 5 grandchildren,
they were the only two that called.

My oldest had called me earlier in the month
and asked for confirmation
of when her birthday was
and he called on his own

I reminded the youngest yesterday
early in the day and
he called late in the day
so that was good.

Anyway, as we were sitting down
to eat
I thought
about how when you are older
everyone claims to not want
to celebrate birthdays
because it means
admitting you are getting older
and how even in my 40's
I don't like getting older
but I still like birthdays

and I realized
that a very special man
had once taught me
to not pay attention
to numbers
such as years passed
but to just think young
and try to feel young
and I do try to

I hope that when I am 74
there will be more
than 3 people at the table
celebrating with me
and that both my sons will be there
with their families
and my friends
will be there

but hell,
I hope that every year
they are there,
between now and then
and I know with the oldest in Seattle
that isn't going to happen for awhile...

Here is the other part of my thought
on birthdays

when someone doesn't want to celebrate
or have you sing Happy Birthday to them
and say things like
When you are (think big number)
let's see how much you like
having someone sing to you
and reminding you of how old you are.

what do you do?
I am going to sing anyway
give one dollar
for each year of the age
he wishes he was
and explain,
it is just a number
and I don't pay attention to numbers
only to the people
I care about
and he is one of them.

I hope that your birthday,
when ever it is,
is full of what you want it to be
and isn't a reminder
of how old you are
but how far you have come.

Sunday's List

It was going to be the list
for the weekend
but I woke up
not feeling well yesterday
just a little sluggish
sore throat and achey
so I rested most of the day
dozed off and on
while watching TV and
laying on the couch
slept like a rock all night
and now have more than
I can get done in one day
so... here we go
and if it is pink
I accomplished that task

walk
write sub plans for Thr and Fri
(out of town to see my mom)
make pocket chart poems
grocery shopping
kitchen cleaning
living room dusting and sweeping
laundry
bathroom cleaning
bed sheets washed
organizing dining room
call Cable company for DVR

ok, so it doesn't look like much
but it feels like a weeks worth
let's see how it goes...

Ok so it doesn't look like much

but actually
I did get progress reports written
lunches for the week made
a watermelon cut up
dinner cooked
and my son

well I had to evict him
again

he did one thing
that he knew
was against
the rules
and so, it has been
one of the hardest days of my life...

Dreams... What DO They mean?

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Dinner and a Movie

Yep, that's right
I had a great dinner
and watched
3:10 to Yuma
it was a great movie
a bit drawn out
but good, nonetheless

I cooked the dinner
Homemade meatloaf
Fried Green Tomatoes
(from the Farmer's Market)
and salad

and it was great
if I do say so myself

Nothing like good food
family (youngest son was there)
and friends

You see
I gave RJ
a great birthday gift
a meal a week
that is home cooked
by me...
and this was the first one

He wanted to see the movie
as did I
and his girlfriend didn't
so it was a good night for us
to go to the movies as well...

But now it is time to sleep...
so good night...

Last Fall as you know if you have been reading for awhile or have read the archives I met two men well actually I met many more than two but I met two that I really liked and if the first one Mr. Turnaround had paid more attention more often I would not have met any after him but his presence or appearances were sporadic so yes, I met two men Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Sullivan and they both turned my head I was smitten with them both Mr. Sullivan appeared after Mr. Turnaround and departed before Christmas for reasons that I truly believe had nothing to do with me but issues with his father's health and the stress that puts on a man child when their father is in a vulnerable position but who knows maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part Anyway, about a month ago Mr. Sullivan calls out of the clear blue sky and wants to see me I have eluded to this meeting with him but I hadn't told the story So we decided that he would pick me up and we would go for drinks so I could hear the story of the dream he had about me while on vacation in Canada He picks me up he has gained so much weight I almost don't recognize him he is jovial we arrive at our destination order drinks he explains the dream which was a combo of things he had been reminded of me in two different circumstances so I am not surprised about the dream, so the conversation turns to me, and school and life and then it starts he asks many questions he asks about other men that he has known I was seeing when I saw him you see he asked then and found out about Mr. Turnaround and Mr. Duvall because he wanted me to see only him and I didn't want to quit seeing Mr. Turnaround As for Mr. Duvall that is a given that it will end permanently the minute a man wants a relationship with me and I want one with him it has stopped before so that isn't a big deal anyway he asked I explained that Mr. Turnaround found others that he wanted to spend his time with even after asking me to be patient and wait for him this summer which I tried to do I am just not good at it patience that is and the questions continue and I want to scream WHY? why do you want to know what is it you want? I mean this isn't my first rodeo a man calls or writes says he has a story to tell says he wants to see you to tell it he is testing the waters right to see if you want to see him and to see if he still wants you... so Why? why ask these questions? We have had about 3 drinks now and I hadn't eaten all day... and he had mentioned dinner but when I ask why he was having drinks with me early on a Friday night did he have plans later it came out that there was a poker game he was contemplating and then he couldn't get me home fast enough and by the time we were in the car the tears came they were a combo of stress, anxiety and feeling rejected he expressed a desire to be friends and do things together and I told him I don't do that well with men that meant so much more to me because rarely can I separate those feelings and he has friends and to be a friend takes as much or more work than a relationship between lovers and confidants and I didn't think he could do it but if he wanted to try we could yeah... that didn't pan out he didn't even try and that was fine but then yesterday I heard from Mr. Turnaround who said we should have a glass of tea of course he is a man of much fewer words and that is the meeting I wrote of yesterday. I don't know his motivation He slipped away for reasons I still don't know guess I wasn't woman enough or the fact I like to hear a man's words and he shared so few that I made some up for him that were not the right ones and I over reacted to some situations in ways I am not proud of he said things just didn't turn out for whatever reason so I don't know all I know is that I am glad that there aren't any others who can call me up like that and see me just to see what I am not sure but stir up emotions that I thought were pretty much gone and then walk away I am not up for that again anytime soon. I think this not dating thing is going better than I ever would have expected I quite enjoy not being rejected worried about what he is thinking and wondering if or when he will call and the time and energy I was pouring yes, Mr. Turnaround, pouring into thoughts and actions and wanting things to be good with someone who wasn't on the same page can now go somewhere else and has been for awhile so those things are hard to give up now so yes, I wished I was doing other things but only because they were going to show progress and sitting and shooting the bull was not It was good to see him It was painful to feel all the old feelings rise to the surface and be able to tell they weren' t for him... but now it is over and I can move forward even though I don't get it I don't understand what they thought they were going to gain or what they did gain by seeing me but if it was to help them move forward then I hope they do understand it and it was helpful. RJ has rarely steered me wrong and his take on both situations was the same but if I listen to what he said I feel even more rejected because he says they were testing the waters about dating me again and I remember a time when he hadn't met the woman of his dreams and he was contemplating looking up an old girlfriend and taking her back and I so DO NOT want to be that person... and even then I told him not to... don't do it just because you are lonely and don't want to be alone don't settle... and see he didn't and he met the woman of his dreams but since neither of them Mr. T or Mr. S explained their intentions I don't know and I still don't get it.

A Day Full of Surprises

Wonders never cease
and do you remember
me saying
that even though my mother
thinks I love surprises
the truth is
that I really don't.

So the title of the post
is the most positive I could
be about today.

I haven't talked about it
but I have mentioned
that I am not dating

I did belong to an online dating
service for way too long...
actually I didn't "belong"
or even "subscribe" very long
but I had a profile posted
I had taken it from being "searchable"
to "unsearchable"
some time back
but after getting an email
from the service
to show off my new "matches"
yesterday, and finding
I had actually met three of them
I decided it was time to cut all ties
and I went to the site
and deleted my profile...

Whew... I felt so much better
and then I was glad that I am no longer
wanting to see how often or when
some guys that I did "date"
are out there "looking" at other women

which was a big step,
I did that all spring
and I hated myself for it
it was hurtful
but the worst of it was
I brought that hurtfulness upon myself

Today was a hurtful day
and I brought it upon myself as well.

I also learned
that there is a period of time
when you have made plans with someone
and are expecting them to call
that I am extremely nervous
and negatively thinking they will not call
or show up
and I hate that feeling
and it is one of the biggest reasons
that I do not miss dating

then there is that period of time
when you are sitting and talking to someone
that it is painfully obvious
that how I felt about them
is the same it has always been
and how they feel is not what I wish it was
and it really hurts

so I sat and talked,
or rather mainly listened
just enough to hear the hint
of someone else in his life
the chit chat of items we share in common
and all the while
wishing I had not agreed to meet
so that I could feel like I was being
tortured
yes, it was close to torture

not too different from the meeting
a few weeks ago
where I lost my cool
with someone from my past
and the tears started streaming
before he could get me home
it freaked him out

so....I took a chill pill today
before it was time to be there
and it helped
many questions I wanted to ask
stayed in my head
I smiled, I giggled,
I liked the sound of his voice,
the shimmer of light in his eyes,
the cadence of his speech
it was good to see him
even though it was painful
what was most painful were the words
that were not spoken

not really any different than before
and why would I think it would be?
I don't know
wishful thinking
to have some ''straight talk"

but yeah, obviously don't have a clue
what it was all about
or why he asked to see me
or if he got what he had intended
out of the conversation...

but what I do know
is that I wish
I had stayed home
gone for my walk
and watched my Sunday night shows
and spent time with my son

who was here
because he lost his job today
and his new roommate asked him
to move out by the end of the month
and he wants to come home

Another surprise
or actually I wasn't so much surprised
but the fact it happened today
did take me off guard

and no, it was not a good surprise

do you remember me telling you
that I have had more
surprises that were not good ones
than I have had that were good?
well that number is growing...
although I have to admit
I had one really good surprise yesterday
so I guess that was so I could get through today...

and now it is bedtime...

yeehaw... I am ready for today to be over...
tomorrow is another day...

good night