A Flood

A Flood Of Emotion

Driving the long drive
to my mom's on Thurs
I found myself
antsy, irritated, sad,
among a plethora
of other emotions
I even found myself
elated when Tater called
and talked to me
the last leg of the trip
on the phone
for over an hour
that was great!!!

Then I get here
to find
she has refused Home Health Care
even though she needs it
She didn't like the girl who came
she didn't like her questions
or what she had to say
so she was flippant
and smart ass
and the girl took it
as if she had refused

So... I had to talk to the Dr.
and arrange for them to come back out
and start over
and then I had to talk my mom
into being civil and letting them come
and do their job

So... hmmm there we have
amused (she has spunk)
stressed (she needs the professional checks, not just me)
irritated (the nurse that came out was not the sharpest crayon at understanding how to deal with my mom, which makes me wonder why she is in the position she is in)
sad( I can tell my mom isn't on top of her game as usual, and she may never be again)

Funny, when I come home
I always have this initial feeling
of relief,
like she is going to take care of me
and then reality sets in
and I am the one cooking
and taking care of her
and somehow I get really sad
and mad at the same time

It seems I have no respite
no safe place
as much of a grown up as I am
I still want the comfort of my mother
or someone as a safe haven
and that is gone for good in this life
and in reality
it was probably never there
to begin with, I just wanted it to be
so I created my own reality of it

but now it is gone.
I am crying,

at night when I go to bed

as I sit here and try to escape
the litany of requests she has
or while she sleeps

as I drive to the city 12 miles away
to shop for items she has asked for

when I go outside to tend to the pond
or the dogs, or the yard, or the plants

how can a person shed so many tears
and stil be standing?
then I walk back into her room
with a smile on my face
and attempting an uplifting voice
to do whatever she needs
which is sometimes to just watch tv with her.

she is calling now,

see you soon....