Too Much Stuff Going On

the Muse calls
I can't concentrate to have a conversation

Tater calls
I jump all over the place
and my emotions run the gamut

Someone at school asks
about my mom
and I burst into tears

I am a mess
because I am on overload

I need to make a decision about a job
I need to make it through the end of the year
I need to help my youngest son get on his feet
I need to take care of my mom
I need to get ready to go to Amarillo ...tomorrow
at least this time I am flying

Job Decision?
well, I have been offered one
the downside is:
as far as Tater is concerned
it is in Corpus Christi
as far as I am concerned
it pays considerably less
the upside is:
it is near the beach
I have received the offer
It would be a big learning experience
and that would be good

I can continue to look here
and not take it
but I am fearful
of not receiving another offer here

worst case scenario: stay where I am another year
and risk non-renewal

Make it through the rest of the year?
well, how easy is it
to go to work
in a hostile environment?
nuff said

Youngest son?
has had a job for a few months
but has been living under a bridge
his vehicle is not in working order
and has been sucking his pocket dry
so he has no money to live on
and payday is 10 days away
I will be out of town 7 of those days...
and I don't trust him to stay at my house
without me....
what to do?
I don't know, but I am working on it
and Tater is helping me
or rather
him... to take care of some outstanding tickets
and then we are all going to pitch in
and get him set up in an apt.
that he will be responsible for
I hope it works

Take care of mom?

I think I am bursting into tears
out of guilt
I feel like I should be there
all the time
I feel like I am not doing
what a good daughter should
and tomorrow I go back
for the third stent
on Thursday
the "tricky" one
the dr. said
so underlying stress about that
abounds

and then there is getting ready to go
getting a ride from the airport upon arrival
and being without a vehicle for a week

the upside is
no long drive by myself
and I have a good book to read
to take my mind off things...

I have too much on my plate
and most of it doesn't taste very good
and I need to lose some weight anyway
(which is a whole 'nuther post)

so excuse me
if I just excuse myself
to find some sand
to stick my head in
and forget what is going on....

see... that is why it was so wonderful
to let loose at NIOSA last Thursday...

maybe i just need to go to Happy Hour
and get Happy

FIESTA TOO

Thursday night I knew
I knew I didn't have to work
the next day
I knew I could drink and have fun

I was in a good mood
My day had been stressful
but I had a chance to talk to
my supervisors
and get some things off my chest

I knew where my Irish Pub Crawl Team
T-shirt was
and I wore it with some khaki pedal pushers
Drove to the Park and Ride
and bought a token
Rode the bus to NIOSA
and made my way through
a much less crowded street
to Irish Flats

RJ wasn't there,
but his brother was
and quickly hooked me up
with a glass of white zin
and that is how it all got started

RJ showed up
and he walked me over to Froggy Bottoms
and we picked up two Bacardi coolers for me
and headed back to the booth
Serving beers was not in the cards
I was the ticket taker and green beer cup provider
but there was still attention being paid
to me and my cool t-shirt
and the medals I wore

two of the guys who were helping serve beer
on Tuesday
were there again
and we got to visit a bit more
because it wasn't crowded at all
and folks weren't buying beer yet

my cell phone rang and it was the dr.
he was wondering what I was doing
and so I told him
he asked if Tater was there
and I said no
and invited him to join the party
then I continued to allow
the guy with the long hair
that works the tater skin booth
to explain to me
when the best time to cut your hair
to get it to grow more
is right before a full moon
and to get it to grow less
is right before a new moon
and there was some innuendo
in there
that was of a sexual nature
and I certainly enjoyed the flirting

then the dr called and said he was going
to join us when my shift was over
so he did
he arrived shortly after my beer shift ended
and I had quite a buzz going by then
He noticed the shit eating grin I wore
and stated at the end of the night
how I had been smiling all night

We walked around
through all the different towns
ate calf fries in Frontier Town
and drank wine and beer
and listened to good music
we moseyed over to Froggy Bottoms
for a few more coolers
and there was a great blues band
playing and they had me dancing
and grinning
then we picked up an oriental chicken on a stick
and listened to some old rock and roll
in the amphitheater
then we strolled along the river
and made our way back to RJ
who was so overly concerned with me
and my drunken state
wanting to make sure I wasn't driving home
uh...no...
I rode the bus....

and from there we made our way back to the bus
but not before we had to stare
at a map for a long time
to determine
where the bus was...
but we found it

and we rode back to our cars
and then drove home
him to his home
and me to mine

I don't remember many of the details
of the evening
I do remember
I was in a fantastic mood
for many reasons
and it was good
to let loose
and have fun
and cut the strings
of the stress
that is pulling me down
and float away
like a helium balloon
for just a little while...

the muse and I have had
a discussion in the past
of how different alcoholic beverages
will make you act or feel
and I thought it absurd
that I would be belligerent (sp?)
when I drink tequila
I might have been in a mood
that the tequila accentuated
but I am not so sure
that it was the tequila talking

but after my malt liquor/wine party
of ONE
on Thursday
I think she might be on to something
because I had one of the worst headaches
of my life on Friday
for most of the day
I haven't had a hangover like that
as long as I can remember

and all I could keep thinking
was that there is a reason
I drink coconut rum
and it so I don't
repeat
do not
encounter hellacious, pounding head
aching body, upset tummy
hangovers....
now I just have to figure out how to hide the flask(s)
next year....

it was a great time
I don't mind the pockets of crowdedness
when there were many spots
that weren't crowded at all...

and I didn't even buy a t-shirt
but I wanted to...
that or the light up baseball cap...

It was a great party,
you should come next year....

FIESTA

Last week in the alamo city
we had FIESTA
I have only been one other time
and that was last year
to help RJ with his beer booth

Since he helped me
while I was gone to my mom's
by watering plants
picking up mail
and keeping an eye on things
and keeping an eye on me
and listening to me when I needed someone
to listen

I volunteered to help as much as he needed
and really
by the time we knew I would be back
he had plenty of help
but I went anyway
two nights
first on Tuesday
the first official night of NIOSA
Nights in Old San Antonio

I didn't get a chance to go
to Oyster Bake
the weekend before
which is one of my all time favorites
I helped with a beer booth there
3 years ago
and it was a blast
cuz I love oysters
baked, fried, raw, shooters
they are great

So Tuesday afternoon
I meet RJ's fiance' at the park and ride
and we go together
we find RJ when we get there,
and we all go to find something to eat
and see the sights before it gets too crowded
Really, it was already crowded
I thought it was the second night
of NIOSA but I was quickly corrected
that it was the first
I thought it might not be busy
because the Spurs game was on that night
a playoff game
but I was quickly told
that most of the people there
weren't into B-Ball
or they would have picked another night
and it did get crowded,
around 7
but by the time I left
at 9:30
the crowd had thinned measurably
but I digress

RJ took us to all the best food booths
or at least the ones I thought were best
Frontier town for steak
Froggy Bottoms for
Bacardi coolers (for me, the non beer drinker)
and other parts unknown
The French Quarter had food that smelled good
but I didn't try it
and he was so good
about not making me feel like
a third wheel,
since Tater stayed home
to watch the game
and doesn't enjoy crowds

We returned to the beer booth
and I poured beer
and visited with patrons
they all liked my shirt
since we were in Irish Flats
I wore my
Irish Yoga T-shirt

One guy asked how he could get me
out of that shirt
and I said
well, is it me you want,
or the shirt?
and he said I was too smart for him
and I said
he could buy the shirt at Target in March
Three men
with long hair
all caught my fancy
at different times of the night
so I decided I do
think a man with long hair is sexy
and at my age
a man with hair at all is sexy

It was fun to flirt
It was fun to work with others
that were fun and laughing
It was great to see RJ
The food was good

but then I agreed to return on Thursday...

and that post is much more interesting...
but it will have to wait,
Tater is on his way over
for a delight-full afternoon!!!!

Big Day Big News

Tomorrow is the day
that my mom has another
angioplasty and they place
a stent in her heart
stint or stent? I don't know
I just know that she is
having surgery tomorrow.

We have been eating healthy meals
that I have bee cooking
that are low fat
and low sodium
we have been having
conversations
the kind you never want to have
with your parent
but are so important
like who would you like
to give the service at your funeral
or which account at the bank
will be easiest to access
for immediate funds
and how to do it
as I know she will never
give power of attorney
where her money is concerned.

Then she looked at me
and asked
if I thought her surgery tomorrow
was serious...
well, mom, they are going
to be working on your heart and
the arteries connected to it
so yeah... it is very serious
but a common procedure
that is done quite often
and the dr. is well versed in what he does
so...
it is going to be a hard day
that will bring comfort
when it is over.
They do not believe
that she will feel any different
after she has the surgery
but her heart will not have
to work as hard to beat
and pump blood throughout her body

and so... it seems...
Tater, The Muse, RJ, and others
that are close to me
think I should not be alone
but I will be
AND I am not as concerned
as they are
I think it is ok
for me to be here
with no one I am close to
sitting with me
through a serious but common
procedure for my mom

perhaps I am in denial
or shock
or I feel she will be fine
(which I do, I have to)
so... thank you for your kind words
and good thoughts and prayers
but really,
what I need more than anything else
is the care and support
of those around me
when I get home.

Yes, I will be home
within the week
if all goes well tomorrow
and I have much to face
when I get back
to MY LIFE

I have resigned my job
without another
mainly to make myself
go out and find a new one
and not procrastinate about it

I have a job interview
with a Montessori school
in Corpus Christi
First on the phone
on Thursday,
and then possibly
in person the following week
I am very excited about it
even though it is a cut in pay

I have applied at 3 other
districts close to my home
even though Tater assures me
that my home locale will be changing
within the year
I am in no hurry
to move at this time
unless it is South
because of a job offer.

I am returning after two and a half weeks
of no pay,
I have no idea
what impact that will have
on my paycheck
and when... this month
the last month I am supposed to get paid
or a little at a time

and of course,
getting my home in order
for spring
my new backyard
that I have been planning
with patio table
plants, lights,
and paving stones
has been waiting for me
to get it started
for over a month now


and no,
none of that
is important
compared to what I am doing now
spending time with my mom
and helping her out
but it is still the life
I will have
to return to
and I hope
that mother is doing well enough
that I can do it soon
and she does too
she is the one
that said I should go home
within a week
and I said
I would stay as long as needed
and would come back
whenever she felt I should

and it has been a big day
with big news re:
the interview on Thursday
via phone,
I am really
really excited
and concerned at the same time

Gloating Then Thiniking

Every morning
well, nearly every morning
esp. since I have been here
with my mom
Tater has been writing
he has been writing email
to encourage me
and lift my spirits

So... each morning
I get up
I wake up a little
then I sit down
to see if I have an email

I doubted I would today
because we were up
past midnight chatting
and today he has much going on

But then,
as I look at my inbox
there is something from
my resume' writer
and there is something from
Yahoo Personals
and it is
MY Latest Matches

Now, I am not going to say
I don't know where they got my email address
or I haven't ever been there
I have
but not for a very long time
For over a year, I haven't
because I remember the event
that made me erase my profile
but they still send me updates

and being curious
I have told you I am a curious person?
I usually look to see
who is a good match for me
according to what Yahoo thinks

I sometimes see Mr. Turnaround there
or rather don't see him, but his ad,
and Mr. Sullivan
and perhaps someone else, but not usually

so today it came,
so out of a sense of gloating
I looked
and there was Mr. Sullivan
smiling up at me from the masses
and I immediately
had this knee jerk reaction
of HA! You are still here
and I have moved on
and opened up to someone
who opened up to me first
and you are still here
playing games
and using women

then I stopped myself
because when I thought of him
as a player
Mr. Turnaround came to mind too
who is a self confessed player
and who was probably there too
but I didn't look for him

My thinking immediately change
my sense of gloating
to a feeling of understanding

I wanted to gloat, because
I have found what I was looking for
a wonderful man in my life

But then I had to consider
that what I was looking for
was not what they were looking for

I don't know for sure,
but I suspect
they have found
what they are looking for
which in my view is...
a large group of ever changing women
to talk to and meet in a way that saves them money
rather than going to a bar

So, so much for the awful feeling
of wanting to gloat...
I mean, that isn't pretty is it?

But, yeah, I have found a great man
or should I say he found me
or actually, we found each other.
......I guess I need to figure out
how to stop those emails

better do it while I am thinking about it...

Have a great day!!

Hot Potato

Ok, Let's just call him
Tater
He gave me the best gift
I have ever received
for my birthday
He took me on a trip to Vegas
with no expectations
of payback
and I am not saying more
about that trip
...what happens in Vegas...
He has been very patient with me
while I weeded my way through
a myriad of men
who all had some redeeming qualities
that I found attractive or intersting
he has been a friend
he has been a shoulder
he has been a rock
he has been
One Hot Tater
he does what they all say
a man who loves you
will do...
He calls as often as he can
he sees me as much as
I will Let him
He says great things
to show me how he feels
and he is concerned with me

he made one mistake
back when we got back from Vegas
he was sneaky
he broke a trust
and it is healing
slowly but surely
last week
right before I had to leave
and be over 500 miles from home
he had his own serious
bout of surgery
concerning a hernia
and that was on Tuesday
He still found a way
to call me and talk
while I drove the
long drive home
he found a way to talk to me
over 2 hours on Saturday
over 3 hours on Sunday
today he returned to work
and after work,
we talked for over 2 hours again...

he says the sweetest things
and he makes me laugh
He is clever with words
and double E's
He is a straight shooter
and appreciates that in me
He checks to make sure I am ok
asks about my stress level
and tries to relieve it as much as he can

Yesterday, as I sat on the patio
looking at the pond,
he told me, as we talked on the phone,
that he called just one more time
to hear my voice
and to tell me
He loves me

We have been seeing each other
Since the beginning of November
and we have taken things pretty slow
for this day and time
just the way I always want to start
a relationship with someone
and somehow am tempted
or have been tempted
to do some things too quickly
but not with Tater
I didn't see in him
what he has seen in me
from the beginning...

he has asked me
more than once
how any man could ever
even conceive of
giving me up
once he had my heart

and I didn't know what to say
until today

Because he wasn't YOU....

I love you too, Tater

(and no, he isn't reading the blog, he promised he never will again, and he hasn't broken my trust again, and I don't believe he will)

A Flood

A Flood Of Emotion

Driving the long drive
to my mom's on Thurs
I found myself
antsy, irritated, sad,
among a plethora
of other emotions
I even found myself
elated when Tater called
and talked to me
the last leg of the trip
on the phone
for over an hour
that was great!!!

Then I get here
to find
she has refused Home Health Care
even though she needs it
She didn't like the girl who came
she didn't like her questions
or what she had to say
so she was flippant
and smart ass
and the girl took it
as if she had refused

So... I had to talk to the Dr.
and arrange for them to come back out
and start over
and then I had to talk my mom
into being civil and letting them come
and do their job

So... hmmm there we have
amused (she has spunk)
stressed (she needs the professional checks, not just me)
irritated (the nurse that came out was not the sharpest crayon at understanding how to deal with my mom, which makes me wonder why she is in the position she is in)
sad( I can tell my mom isn't on top of her game as usual, and she may never be again)

Funny, when I come home
I always have this initial feeling
of relief,
like she is going to take care of me
and then reality sets in
and I am the one cooking
and taking care of her
and somehow I get really sad
and mad at the same time

It seems I have no respite
no safe place
as much of a grown up as I am
I still want the comfort of my mother
or someone as a safe haven
and that is gone for good in this life
and in reality
it was probably never there
to begin with, I just wanted it to be
so I created my own reality of it

but now it is gone.
I am crying,

at night when I go to bed

as I sit here and try to escape
the litany of requests she has
or while she sleeps

as I drive to the city 12 miles away
to shop for items she has asked for

when I go outside to tend to the pond
or the dogs, or the yard, or the plants

how can a person shed so many tears
and stil be standing?
then I walk back into her room
with a smile on my face
and attempting an uplifting voice
to do whatever she needs
which is sometimes to just watch tv with her.

she is calling now,

see you soon....

April Fools

I love April Fools day
I have been known
to really pull some good pranks
but this year,
none of them seem
to be appropriate
I mean
I could have done something
to make Tater think
I was mad
or breaking up with him
but today he was
going under the knife
for a hernia
so that wouldn't be nice would it?

I could have pulled pranks
on my students
but they are so freaked out
by me being gone last week
and packing up all my stuff
that wouldn't be good would it?

I could have pulled a prank on the muse
or RJ
but we all have so much stress right now
I don't think it would lighten the load

I could have pulled a prank on my mom
but she is still in the hospital
at least until tomorrow
it looks like they are going to release her
mainly due to bad behavior
she is a bad patient
and she really isn't ready to go home
but it looks like they are going to send her

so I am going to be on my way north
on Thursday morning
after I get my tires balanced and rotated tomorrow...
and I get a few other things in order

I think
this year
the prank was on me,
I just thought I was going to get to stay home
longer than a week...