Time for a Change

I hope I am up
for what I have planned

People
for the most part
do NOT LIKE
Change

I think it isn't because it is different
but the adjustment time
is difficult

It takes time to make an adjustment
in your life

and it seems that
in my case

things I thought would work for me
or how they "just were"
was how they should be
or how I should be

and I know better than to use
that word

should

for example:
my two closest friends
the Muse and RJ

were the only ones who called me
on Christmas
to wish me a merry day
and talk

besides my sons
who did call or see me

and Mr. Duvall did call
on Christmas Eve
to wish me
Happy Holidays

other than that
no calls

no calls from men
who I have been dating
or have dated
or might possibly date

who in my pea brain
SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST CALLED
to say Merry Christmas
How INSENSITIVE
I thought....

hmmm... no, they may not be
really
insensitive
after all, they are
just men
and
they don't have a clue
that it is a big thing
to ME
to be friendly and reach out
on holidays

Plus,

I am at my mom's
which is
difficult
and not having anyone
to buffer the blows
is difficult as well
I have found
that she behaves
better when someone else is here
with me

Anyway, back to the point
people don't like change
because it is difficult to adjust to

IT IS TIME FOR AN ADJUSTMENT
I am undertaking
a huge adjustment in my life
I think it is going to be
like a smoker who gives up smoking

I am going to stop
I am going to stop looking
I am going to stop looking for that one man
that I have been thinking I needed in my life

I don't think I can stop dating
I enjoy the company of men
too much for that

but I am going to stop expecting
much of anything
from the men I do go out with.

I am going to spend more time
at getting in shape
reading
working around my house
and cooking

I think spending
my time and energy
on these things
is more productive
more predictable
and healthier for me.

Just like the smoker who quits
I am going to take it
one day
at a time
and take each day as it comes

The time I have spent here
with my mom
and away from my usual life
have been a good start

I haven't talked to any men
save my friend RJ
and Mr. Duvall's xmas wishes
since I left
and I haven't called any either.

Which may not sound like much to you
but it is.

I have two new books to ready
a new stereo (xmas gift) to install
a new gym membership (thanks to health care provider)
and new curtains to hang
when I get home.
Enough to keep me busy
til I go back to work next week.

The New Year?

Going dancing with the Muse
on the 30th
going on my annual pilgrimage
to the beach
alone
on the 31st,
and returning on the 1st.

I intend to chart my progress here

and remember
it doesn't have anything to do
with not
dating
or having sex

it has everything to do
with having no
expectations
or looking
for "Mr. Right"

Merry Christmas

Have a good one...

I am doing good just to survive it.

Not up to another downer post
so i will refrain.

Rock Solid Alibi

My health has been
well
less than STELLAR
of late
but really
after the Dr. went over
all the tests he ran
I am in really good condition
I just don't feel it

My shenanigans of late
had me a bit concerned
when my "aunt" didn't come to visit
on time this month
but then again,
I do have a benign tumor
in my uterus
that is the size of a walnut
which until today
I was under the assumption
as told by the nurse over the phone
that it was a water cyst on my ovary

Given all that
I chose to take a day
after two beautifully sunny days
and the dr. visit
was the excuse

but lucky for me
and my conscience
which makes me feel guilty
for playing "hooky"
because this afternoon
I am going to see Mr. Duvall
for an afternoon of pure delight

I saw the president of the PTA
in the lobby of the Dr. Office
so....
air tight alibi
the rabbit didn't die
and sex all afternoon

what more could a girl ask for?

ummm

well, you are right,
I could ask
to find a man
that will stay in my bed
and my life
but hey, let's be realistic
that ain't happening

Loose ends of Posts Nearly Forgotten or Never Finished

The Bitches
Their painting of their
Gingerbread houses was
hmmmmm
not great

not that my painting was great
but it had some depth
and proportion

and I promised the Pre-K
teacher, who is
my mom away from mom
I would paint hers for her
since they had put up paper for her

I played hookie on Friday
but I did stay late on Thurs
til nearly 8:30 and I painted
her GB house,
just the white highlights

and on Friday morning
the Queen Bitch came in
and asked her
"who painted your GB house?
It is beautiful!"
and she told her
I had done it

Hee Hee Hee
I know how much she hated
finding out
she had paid me a compliment

but it felt good
and yeah
I know how childish
my feelings about it all
actually are

but deep down
we are all
products of our
childhood and experiences
early in our lives


Expectations

I expect a lot

I expect a lot
of my family
I don't know if I was truly
a good mother
I wanted to think I was
while I was raising my children

but you know
hindsight is 20/20
and what I do know
is that I didn't do / handle
many things
as well as I should have
or could have
but I did my best
with the knowledge I had

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of my friends
I expect to hear from them often
I expect them to be there
when I need them
within reason of course
and
I expect them to know
that I am here for them as well

Last night the muse
and I went to see
A Christmas program
at her church
It was a progressive program
where you walk around
from one scene to another
and it was excellent

but what surprised me
is that while we were
sitting
and waiting for our turn
to take the walk
she said something
to me about what a
friend I was
I know she will correct me
in the comments
of what she really did say
but it surprised me so
that I don't remember how
she worded it
so here is what I heard

"Bennu, what a friend you are"
"Why?" I asked
"for coming to this with me."

I thought about this a great deal
while we were walking around
viewing a fantastic program
that out does anything I have seen
at a church of that size

I love doing things like that
I didn't see it as a big deal
that she would drag me to
because she wanted to go
I wanted to go too
I am usually up for an adventurous
day/ night/ trip to something different

but she saw it
she saw it as something
she wanted to experience
but not by herself

I know holidays are hard for her
but I don't understand
all the levels involved
because she doesn't
really talk about it

LSS, I didn't see it
as a big deal for her
but she did
and she was glad I was there

I am usually pretty verbal
about what I expect
of my friends and others
and many
many friends have
sorely disappointed me
over the years
so now I have
few friends
but the ones I have
they are like family to me

we accept each other
for who we are
and forgive our shortcomings
and are there when
the other needs us
*(most of the time)

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of
any man in my life

hence why they
don't hang around long

I don't think my expectations
are unrealistic
at least they aren't
FOR ME
but they must seem
that way to others

but I swear
that man is out there
I just hope I run into him
the sooner the better
but I am not holding my breath

but YEAH
I Do Have
Hight Expectations
of others
but nothing I am not willing
to live up to myself
so I like to think of them as
GREAT EXPECTATIONS

What makes a house a home?

I have lived in this apt.
for a year at the end of
this month
I want it to feel like home
sometimes
some little part of it does
but most of the time
it feels
like a box filled with
all my shit
most of which is
sentimental
and I find I cannot see
myself parting with it
as if a part of me will go with it
and I will be even less
than I feel I am now
and I cannot bear that thought

and yet
it doesn't feel like home
and I find myself here
wanting to just lay down in bed
and cover my head and sleep

escaping this life
for a brief time
and hoping when I wake up it is better
but it usually isn't ....

I miss my children
I miss having them in the house
I miss doing Holiday stuff with them
I am not enjoying being alone.
Therefore,
I am not at home in my abode...
and I am sad
very sad today...

hence the end of this post.

Copycat-ing is the highest form of a compliment, Fucking A

As you may remember
I am the teacher of the children

there is a teacher I really enjoy working with
her name here will now be Boo

there are three teachers I really DON"T
enjoy working with
known as
The Bitches across the Hall

So,
Boo and I have been working
and planning
and preparing
for the Holiday Season

We chose three books to use to teach
that are Christmas related

One of which is
The Gingerbread Man

and different versions of it

So yesterday
Boo and I stayed late and
put brown butcher paper up in the hall
drew Gingerbread Houses on it
and began painting it

So we have two beautiful GB Houses
up in the hall
when the little lovelies (children)
arrived this morning

of course
you know
the Bitches
were so jealous

They decided that they should put up their own
GB houses on the wall
in the hall
JUST LIKE OURS

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

*singing like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality

They are so jealous
They wish they were so smart
They want to do what we did
They wish they were so clever
They are so jealous

and now, now
mine and Boo's

look really good
next to theirs.

And for bitches who
are so lazy they leave
early every day

they were still there
when I left today
and they hadn't even started
painting....

and they used crappy
I said Crappy
TAPE

and we used the only tape we know
that will hold up
in our hall

Green masking tape
from the taping aisle
at Home Depot.

and no, I didn't tell them nada.....

Paybacks are hell
and they just collected


hee hee hee

Ok The Party's Over

Never in my life
have I had
more than one man paying me attention

I have never
had to break up with someone
in order to date someone else

and the last three weeks
the last three weeks
have been a roller coaster

But now it is over
and all the men have gone away
but man
most of it
well most of it
was wonderful

more attention
than I have had
in a very long time

and now
well now it has come to an end

and that is ok too

I told Mr. Turnaround
to turn around and walk away

I wanted to see Mr. Sullivan
exclusively

he tried to put up a fight,
but really there wasn't one
and he is gone

and then,
well then I told Mr. Duvall
about Mr. Sullivan
and he gave me his best wishes
and he bowed out
he knew what it was
and I knew what it wasn't
and we will always care about each other

and then I didn't have to tell
the other two, I just didn't call
them and they didn't call me
so that was really easy.

Then why am I not still seeing Mr. Sullivan?
He freaked out on me
what about
I am not really sure
but I am not in a place
to fight for him
for a "could be" relationship

so after a bit of shock
and anger
I gave in to it
and told him
I wished him the best

and even though ghosts
from my past
have raised their ugly heads
I have ignored them
and am looking forward

so today
today I am struggling
with
a battery operated drill
that seems to not have enough power
to penetrate
walls that seem to not
want to take a screw into
the sheetrock
and I am using my frustrations
to make that wall take that screw
or come up with another way
hang my new glass Witch's Balls

yeah I know,
I have more balls than most men
and that is why one doesn't hang around

and for now,
like
Leilana
I am good with that.
It isn't like I don't have things to keep me busy....
and my heart isn't ready
even though
I thought it might be

there is still too much distrust
and disappointment in others.

Hell I am so mad at the Muse
right now, I may have to give that friendship up as well...

* Update, the muse and I got over our "miscommunication and misunderstandings and made up.... and Mr. Sullivan came to his senses. I was ready to let him walk away, but he admitted he really did like me, he was just scared... hmmm we will see how far that goes...

Planet Alignments

Is it the holidays?

Is it the cooler (ok, cold) weather?

Is it my magnetic personality?

Is it my good self image and self confidence?

Just what is it that is attracting
all these men to me this month?

Never, ever, never in my life
have I ever had the opportunity
to go out with more than one man at a time.

Now I have 4, yes, 4, but at all different levels

The two I am going to discuss today
are Mr. Turnaround
and Mr. Sullivan (think Monsters Inc.)

I have known Mr. Turnaround longer
and yet, I think I have already seen more
of Mr. Sullivan

Mr. Turnaround is fickle
One day he is all about me
and others, it is like he has a black cloud over him

I think there is a drinking issue there
but I am not sure

Mr. Sullivan is attentive
funny, tells me wonderful things
that all girls like to hear
but
his best quality is also his worst
He is 5 years (more or less)
YOUNGER
than me

there is a maturity level that
well, it just isn't there

and sometimes,
IT IS GREAT

and sometimes,
It isn't so great.

Anyway, as you know
Mr. Turnaround says,
and did say Sunday night,
while briefly stopping by to invite himself
to stay over (which didn't happen, because I sent him packing)

"I really like my hands on you... but I really like your hands on me too... I can't decide which I like better..."

I think it is his drunken mantra
he smelled and tasted of beer when I kissed him
but said he hadn't had any in a couple of hours.
of course, I didn't buy it

and then
Monday
while driving around with Mr. Sullivan
I had the opportunity to drive
his Pickup
*It's a Texas thing, we went through a ranch
and he had to open a gate
so when we left, and I drove through the gate
and he shut it, I talked him into letting me
drive his truck

he sat
looking at me
with his hand on my neck across the seat
touching my hair, and neck
and he said

"I really like my hands on you."

right about the theme music to
The Twilight Zone
started playing in my head
and I expected him to to morph
into Mr. Turnaround

but he didn't
and I let it go
smiling
because
for the first time in my life
two men are really enjoying me
and I am enjoying them

although there is pressure
from Mr. Sullivan
who seems to think
we may be
an "item"
I am not giving into it...

Survival of the fittest
or
the planets will UNalign and they will
all fall to the wayside

it will all come out in the wash
and hopefully
my health will improve before then...

I am working on it, and I am ok

I also off all week and not going anywhere so I will be posting much more than I have recently.

Quick Update

All tests, cultures etc came back ok except I am borderline anemic.

Eat more red meat and potatoes.. well ok
if you force me

and the sonogram
was what they expected...
do nothing
even though it hurts


that's it

busy week
Thanksgiving with children at school
Holiday preparation for travel

3 men asking me out....

you know

the usual....

(ok so the three men is not usual, I will write an update soon.. . like Monday)

Some Things are Just Plain Hard

Weekends with no plans
when all my friends are busy

Are Hard

Watching my broken hearted neighbor
as he fights with his lover
on the phone
and then comes over to my house
to cry on my shoulder

Is Hard (watching any grown man cry, gay or not just kills me)

Trying to get my self in the mood
to clean house
and cook meals
to make me like where I am (physically and mentally)
and make myself productive as a single person

Is Hard

Waiting
Waiting for others
like Mr. Turnaround
or Mr. Twix
to call and want to see me
without calling them

IS Hard

Mr. Duvall calling
and asking to see me this afternoon
and knowing I should say no
because I have so much to do for work
and to get ready for a big week
and wanting to see him anyway
I say yes, because I need that intimacy
and someone to hold me
so I feel like I am cared about
in some small way
but yes, because I know I shouldn't, it

IS HARD

Finding my hair
which is one of my best features
is falling out by the handfuls
on a daily basis
and I have no idea why

Is Hard

Waking up all by myself
in a wonderfully comfy bed
with soft sheets and new pillows
and trying not to wish there was someone next to me

Is Hard

Pretending everything is ok
when I talk to some people
when inside it really is not

Is Hard

Going to the doctor because I have
some lower right quadrant pain
and being told that I need to have
a sonogram of my right ovary
because there is a mass on it
and waiting til Monday to have that done
and waiting longer still to find out what it is
when I struggle with patience

IS HARD

Knowing it is probably just a water cyst
well that doesn't really make it any easier
but it should

So yeah, some things are just plain hard.... but I sure wish they weren't

No News is Good News

Hmmm.... well... let's see...

where was I?

well I had the great pleasure of having
Mr. Duvall surprise me
last Friday
with an offer to come and see me
and stay at my abode
on Friday night

man I jumped on that (literally)
like white on rice
and it was a great night

sometimes I forget
how much I like
waking up in bed
next to a man

esp. Mr. Duvall

he had never come to my house before
so that was interesting
but everything went very well
and he even slept better than
he expected to
what little sleep we had

and then we went to breakfast
which was great as well

I am always happy to see him
and I always understand when he has to go


Oh and Mr. Turnaround? you ask?

well he was out hunting with his son all weekend
so that wasn't an issue
I saw him briefly Monday night
and I was sick
I have had too much fun
between Mr. Duvall and
Saturday night in Bandera
for Hunters Weekend
I contracted a nasty UTI

so he didn't stay long
he didn't say much
except make it clear
he didn't like it that I went dancing without him

ummmm but he hasn't asked me to go dancing

Tuesday he was invited to spend a leisurely evening
with me
but he declined
so I put the ball in his hands
and told him it was his turn

and Wednesday
when I finally broke down and went to the dr.
he called three times
then he went to a snack and drink party
and called me on his way to have some beers with friends
He had fun
and that is good

Wurst fest is this weekend
and I want to go

there are two other guys asking me out and
I am going to accept the newest invitations

I understand how busy Mr. Turnaround is
I am busy too
but when I have time to do something
I want to have someone fun to go do it with

and he is not available much
even though I think he wants to be

so here we are with
Mr Twix
and Mr. Froggy

in addition to Mr Turnaround

I won't explain where their names came from
but they are both nice guys
and since
nothing
"exclusive"

has come up

I believe boys and girls
the Umpire should shout

"PLAY BALL"
because
I am going to play the field

I am not going to be the wall flower.

But that is where I have been
and after today
probably won't blog about these guys much
unless it comes into
what the post is about

my lovelife is not exciting
but it is mine
and there is more there than there was
a short time ago
so I will start thinking of something
more worth your reading time

and remember
No News is Good News

Happy Happy Happy Dance

After a horrible
and I do mean horrible
day yesterday
I had a great day today

and it all has to do with Mr. Turnaround

Earlier in the week I offered a breakfast
cooked by me
for the morning of his choice
and he chose this morning.

He had called last night
and he had sent emails yesterday as well

and all were very cordial
and made me smile

While on the phone
he asked about my day

Oh it was horrible I said sweetly
and we won't be discussing it

and then this morning
he asked about it again

and I smiled and said
we could discuss it
when breakfast was over

and we ate
and talked
and I asked questions about the new sports season
and how it affects him
and his son

then we stood up
and he gave me a big hug
and asked
about my day yesterday

*heavy sigh

oh this is serious he says

yeah,
I replied

long story short
told him some things have been going on
that I am very upset about
and didn't know how much or how little
to tell him

his only question was
if it had anything to do with him

and I laughed and said no

and then he asked if he could help

yes, you can
I would like to see you more often

NOT a problem he replied

and I would like to be in touch via phone
more often, just checking in calls, or to say hi

NOT a problem he smiled

and then he added

and if you want to talk about what is bothering you
I am here to listen
and if not, I am ok with that too....

so the smile has been on my face all day
and I think things are finally going
my way
with a man that is a very good man

honest
loving
caring

and I am going to enjoy the journey

my patience paid off
and my intuition
was as right as I wanted it to be

for once.

Mr. Turnaround's Return

After 9, count'em
9 days of not seeing him
I saw him tonight
The muse even met him
and gave him the overwhelming
Thumbs up
and reminded me
that there will be no more bartering of men
and
a unconvincing "he's not my type" commentary
which I did not believe

I enjoyed his company very much
He told stories of his weekend and
what was new with him
but he didn't ask any questions
except how the costume party was
and I told the tales of the wild night
at the VFW
(yeah it was wild)

while he was here, my phone rang 5 times or more
one was Mr. Duvall
who I did call back
and his brother is very ill
probably dying
and he needed someone to talk to
he called while following the ambulance to the hospital
he only told me a little of what was going on
and asked if I would be around later

for you honey, I am here anytime
you have been too good to me for me not to

so I am waiting for that phone call back

then some one that my son in Seattle is subletting from
called for a reference
and she gave me some background on the guys that he is renting this place with and offered to check on him whenever I had a concern
so that was nice

and Mr. Plumber,
who tried to play me
and the Muse
this summer called

how in the hell he still had my number
I have no idea
his mother is very sick
he needed someone to talk to
so he called me

WTF

Hello I am Bennu
and I am the one
whose shoulder you can cry on
who will take care of you when you are sick
who listens when you talk
and
you can take full advantage of
emotionally anyway.

ok so I am exaggerating

I am glad Mr. Duvall has me to talk to
and that he calls and confides
in me
and I like having him to call and confide in as well

He doesn't let me feel bad
he reminds me
that real men don't feel sorry for themselves
and if they do
they don't let others know about it

and tonight
when he called back
he asked
"Tell me your problems again.."

"Oh no you don't, I told them to you Saturday night and I caught hell, tonight it is your turn and I will listen."

and no
Mr. Turnaround didn't even hint
at when I would see him again
and

I, suprisingly, I know, didn't ask.

My favorite bartender told me tonight
that any thing I say
close to what I want to convey to him
would run him off in a heartbeat
so I am waiting

don't faint
but I am waiting

PATIENTLY

ok so maybe not so patiently
but I am waiting