Time for a Change

I hope I am up
for what I have planned

People
for the most part
do NOT LIKE
Change

I think it isn't because it is different
but the adjustment time
is difficult

It takes time to make an adjustment
in your life

and it seems that
in my case

things I thought would work for me
or how they "just were"
was how they should be
or how I should be

and I know better than to use
that word

should

for example:
my two closest friends
the Muse and RJ

were the only ones who called me
on Christmas
to wish me a merry day
and talk

besides my sons
who did call or see me

and Mr. Duvall did call
on Christmas Eve
to wish me
Happy Holidays

other than that
no calls

no calls from men
who I have been dating
or have dated
or might possibly date

who in my pea brain
SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST CALLED
to say Merry Christmas
How INSENSITIVE
I thought....

hmmm... no, they may not be
really
insensitive
after all, they are
just men
and
they don't have a clue
that it is a big thing
to ME
to be friendly and reach out
on holidays

Plus,

I am at my mom's
which is
difficult
and not having anyone
to buffer the blows
is difficult as well
I have found
that she behaves
better when someone else is here
with me

Anyway, back to the point
people don't like change
because it is difficult to adjust to

IT IS TIME FOR AN ADJUSTMENT
I am undertaking
a huge adjustment in my life
I think it is going to be
like a smoker who gives up smoking

I am going to stop
I am going to stop looking
I am going to stop looking for that one man
that I have been thinking I needed in my life

I don't think I can stop dating
I enjoy the company of men
too much for that

but I am going to stop expecting
much of anything
from the men I do go out with.

I am going to spend more time
at getting in shape
reading
working around my house
and cooking

I think spending
my time and energy
on these things
is more productive
more predictable
and healthier for me.

Just like the smoker who quits
I am going to take it
one day
at a time
and take each day as it comes

The time I have spent here
with my mom
and away from my usual life
have been a good start

I haven't talked to any men
save my friend RJ
and Mr. Duvall's xmas wishes
since I left
and I haven't called any either.

Which may not sound like much to you
but it is.

I have two new books to ready
a new stereo (xmas gift) to install
a new gym membership (thanks to health care provider)
and new curtains to hang
when I get home.
Enough to keep me busy
til I go back to work next week.

The New Year?

Going dancing with the Muse
on the 30th
going on my annual pilgrimage
to the beach
alone
on the 31st,
and returning on the 1st.

I intend to chart my progress here

and remember
it doesn't have anything to do
with not
dating
or having sex

it has everything to do
with having no
expectations
or looking
for "Mr. Right"