Loose ends of Posts Nearly Forgotten or Never Finished

The Bitches
Their painting of their
Gingerbread houses was
hmmmmm
not great

not that my painting was great
but it had some depth
and proportion

and I promised the Pre-K
teacher, who is
my mom away from mom
I would paint hers for her
since they had put up paper for her

I played hookie on Friday
but I did stay late on Thurs
til nearly 8:30 and I painted
her GB house,
just the white highlights

and on Friday morning
the Queen Bitch came in
and asked her
"who painted your GB house?
It is beautiful!"
and she told her
I had done it

Hee Hee Hee
I know how much she hated
finding out
she had paid me a compliment

but it felt good
and yeah
I know how childish
my feelings about it all
actually are

but deep down
we are all
products of our
childhood and experiences
early in our lives


Expectations

I expect a lot

I expect a lot
of my family
I don't know if I was truly
a good mother
I wanted to think I was
while I was raising my children

but you know
hindsight is 20/20
and what I do know
is that I didn't do / handle
many things
as well as I should have
or could have
but I did my best
with the knowledge I had

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of my friends
I expect to hear from them often
I expect them to be there
when I need them
within reason of course
and
I expect them to know
that I am here for them as well

Last night the muse
and I went to see
A Christmas program
at her church
It was a progressive program
where you walk around
from one scene to another
and it was excellent

but what surprised me
is that while we were
sitting
and waiting for our turn
to take the walk
she said something
to me about what a
friend I was
I know she will correct me
in the comments
of what she really did say
but it surprised me so
that I don't remember how
she worded it
so here is what I heard

"Bennu, what a friend you are"
"Why?" I asked
"for coming to this with me."

I thought about this a great deal
while we were walking around
viewing a fantastic program
that out does anything I have seen
at a church of that size

I love doing things like that
I didn't see it as a big deal
that she would drag me to
because she wanted to go
I wanted to go too
I am usually up for an adventurous
day/ night/ trip to something different

but she saw it
she saw it as something
she wanted to experience
but not by herself

I know holidays are hard for her
but I don't understand
all the levels involved
because she doesn't
really talk about it

LSS, I didn't see it
as a big deal for her
but she did
and she was glad I was there

I am usually pretty verbal
about what I expect
of my friends and others
and many
many friends have
sorely disappointed me
over the years
so now I have
few friends
but the ones I have
they are like family to me

we accept each other
for who we are
and forgive our shortcomings
and are there when
the other needs us
*(most of the time)

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of
any man in my life

hence why they
don't hang around long

I don't think my expectations
are unrealistic
at least they aren't
FOR ME
but they must seem
that way to others

but I swear
that man is out there
I just hope I run into him
the sooner the better
but I am not holding my breath

but YEAH
I Do Have
Hight Expectations
of others
but nothing I am not willing
to live up to myself
so I like to think of them as
GREAT EXPECTATIONS

What makes a house a home?

I have lived in this apt.
for a year at the end of
this month
I want it to feel like home
sometimes
some little part of it does
but most of the time
it feels
like a box filled with
all my shit
most of which is
sentimental
and I find I cannot see
myself parting with it
as if a part of me will go with it
and I will be even less
than I feel I am now
and I cannot bear that thought

and yet
it doesn't feel like home
and I find myself here
wanting to just lay down in bed
and cover my head and sleep

escaping this life
for a brief time
and hoping when I wake up it is better
but it usually isn't ....

I miss my children
I miss having them in the house
I miss doing Holiday stuff with them
I am not enjoying being alone.
Therefore,
I am not at home in my abode...
and I am sad
very sad today...

hence the end of this post.