It is a wonderful thing
and an awful one as well
My mom died.
My mom died in October. I had just moved to be closer to her, to spend time with her, to help her, and we found out her lung cancer (which she had concealed from me for 7 months) had spread to her brain. We found out one week after I moved to my home town, 100 miles south of where she lived.
We found out on the Friday night after Labor Day, and she died one month later.
It has been two months now, almost to the day.
I still cry daily, sometimes several times.
Over little things, like how she would find something funny, or something she wouldn't find funny, or how ironic life is and something we discussed or laughed about due to the horrific cercumstances of life and death.
I am crying now. Some things you just cannot fathom until they happen to you. I have several friends who have lost their moms, some while I was their friend.... I think I didn't want to fathom what it was like... so I procrastinated..
like your mom should live forever...
well why not, my grandmother outlived my mom, and my mom was 77 years old. So even my mother could not fathom the loss.
So, yes, I procrastinate...
I just moved, or so it seems.. and I don't want to unpack, because I am not wanting to stay here. I moved for her. I came for her, I was here for her....
and now she isn't...
so what do I do? I don't know... I have a good job, I like the people (amazingly) and yet, I can't stand the location. I can't stand the weather, I can't stand the feeling of a lack of civilization (no offense intended, it just isn't a big city)
I haven't unpacked... I know it has been 3 months or a little more... but I have boxes everywhere and live in a state of disarray...
I would love to spend a week to do it, but my health is hindering me, and my mental health tells me I am tired and I should sleep, and my head says... get what you can get done and be happy you made progress...
until,
until I walk into the kitchen and have no space to cook
until I can't sit on the couch for the "stuff" that is on it and has no place to go
until I think about living near the water and enjoying the beach and the salty fresh air
until I am all alone
and wishing I wasn't
I have no support system here,
my co-workers are just that
they don't know me
I don't know them
their lives are full enough
and busy enough
with small children and families
and here I am
when life is suppose to be grand
Children are grown,
parents are gone,
I am free to do as I please, when I please and with who I please...
yet I am procrastinating
I don't know when I will start,
but I have a feeling
that as soon as I do
my children will decide to have children of their own
and I will have less freedom than ever before...
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3 comments:
I am very sorry for your lose.
I know how you feel and why you moved there.
You will do what you need to do when you decide you're ready.
The reasons you went there hold you there still and until you are ready to walk away from there you will be in limbo.
If your kids have kids it doesn't mean you can't still do what you want to do.
Be who you want to be.
That's what the postal service is for and visits.
I know when the fog clears you will know what to do.
Thank you Walker, I appreciate the kind words. Yes, Children will not need that much time when they have grandchildren, you are correct. I will still have my own time, and I look forward to the day when I figure out what I am going to do with it, and with myself... time will be the cure...I am glad you are here my friend, and weathered all since the first time we met. I do so appreciate you.
I stopped in to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New year.
I hope you get to see the kids and spend time with them
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