Available, Yet, Unavailable

I think the high tide is here
At least I hope THIS is the high tide
and not that it hasn't come yet

What tide am I referring to?

The one that comes with the tides
that are changing my life

I truly am mourning
every day, I cry a little more
today I don't know
I don't think I could cry any more
or feel any worse

so many epiphanys (or ies, I don't care, you pick)

in a short period of time

I spent the weekend alone
after a night with the man that
will remain nameless
turns out, he shouldn't have a name
he hasn't been around long enough
anyway

I mean,
yes, I am available
physically, to date
but I have come to the realization
that I am
very much
UNavailable
emotionally to date.

I opened my heart up last year
and it was treated cruelly
whether intentionally or not
and now,
now as I review
my dating life over the last
oh... 6 months
I find that
I have not let my heart
open to anyone else
I have been guarded
and suspicious
and even though
physically, I have to admit
I did let myself open up (shut up, I know how it sounds)
to a few people
a few more than I should have

so today I find
myself
mourning in the deepest abyss
yet

but at least I see part of the
iceberg below the surface
and I think I know
that the hurt of last year
was/is simply the last one
not the first one or the middle or
even close to the first one
but the last one that has truly occurred (never can spell that one right)
but how long
how long have I been
emotionally unavailable?

Probably most of my life
now that I look at it

so that is the gem of the day

we will mine for more later
right now, I am going to bed

cuz you know, I sleep best when I want to escape, and right now I don't like myself very much.

What Planet are You ON?

Or...

Mr. Turnarounds return
of sorts

Yes, he has emailed me

Once over Spring Break


and I ignored it

then again yesterday

and I responded to his short info
with one word answers
of
My break was good,
and
btw...if you want to talk to me
then
You need to "talk" to me

and the response to that was

I will tell you about my trip
when I get the pictures back...

WTF
Hello
Wake up and Smell the Coffee

I ain't interested in your Fucking Trip

I might be interested in getting laid

but you have to "talk" to me first

which we all know
isn't worth it for a man
they would *probably rather jack off

and then I drank heavily
to sleep well
which we can all see
isn't working

and then I am told
that ATS is asking Muse's advice
on whether to contact me
or how to contact me

Ummmm didn't I just make it clear
I am w/o a man
and liking just having
Mr. Duvall
to help me with basic needs

ok ok
so I like him too
that always helps

but other than that
unless they come
to me
and after I do (sorry, drunk blogging)
ready to work at it
* whatever it may be...
then I am not
INTERESTED

Can't say there aren't
several I could be interested in
from my past
but I don't think it is going to happen

so once again I must say

that I am by myself
and it is ok
even when I am drunk
because right now

my needs have been met
I am ready to sleep
and no one cares
that I am on the computer
later than I should be
and writing a drunk post
for my blog

but for those of you
who wished I would post a drunken
picture

so sad, too bad,
you are out of luck

maybe next time.....

The Tides Have Turned

I watch TV
I watch TV less than I once did
not that long ago

but I watch TV less
than most people I know

I do watch several shows
almost religiously as Muse goes to Church

ok, so she skips some Sundays
Like this last one
after our St. Pats Pub Crawl
all day on Saturday

which was great by the way...
just the two of us
crawling from one watering hole
to the next

anyway,
for the last several
and I do mean several
weeks
I have missed some of my regular
religious watching of shows

Grey's Anatomy would be it

so I learned from someone
that I can watch them online
and so, after a month of not seeing it,
or at least it has seemed like a month

I tuned in
online
to peruse what I could find
and watch
and low and behold
there it was
along with several
ok one or two
other shows I like
and sometimes watch
so now I can get up to speed when I want to

I mean after all
since I made this huge
turn in my life
over the last couple of weeks

I will have plenty of time to watch
anything and everything
I want to

what has changed?

well, I went to my mother's house
over Spring Break

and it was pleasant
(except for the initial conversation in the car)
and we had fun
and things went well with my son
and even though it is another post
here is the teaser line

He wants to move back in with me
in the summertime

anyway
I sat in the sun one afternoon
while I was there
contemplating why

Why
why was this trip so different
how were we getting along so well

and it hit me like a tsunami

I wasn't rushing home because of a man
I wasn't wishing I had a man there with me
I wasn't making the trip a dreaded chore

I also, and more importantly,
wasn't making the trip all about me

yeah, that's right,
usually I am upset about having to
cook, take care of things,
listen to my mother belittle me,
and then say she doesn't mean it

this time I cooked wonderful meals
and enjoyed them
and enjoyed my son enjoying them

I did whatever she needed done
and did it while listening to what an idiot I am
and smiled
I am not an idiot
I just don't do everything just the way she does.

It was ok
I was glad to come home
I have been fine
with being here by myself
and I am not interested
at the moment
in adding a man to the mix

does that mean I wouldn't love to have one?
A man, that is....

No, I would
and even though I am
for the first time in my life
very comfortable NOT HAVING one

I am sad too...

I think I have come to the proverbial Wall
I don't want to work at finding one
I don't want to date online anymore
I don't want to get my hopes up
at every first date that goes well
and have them dashed after the second, third, fourth or twentieth

I want to do a great job at my vocation
that I happen to love...

I want to have great times
with great friends

I want to watch whatever show I want
without worrying if it is something someone else wants to watch
and to be able to sit
and cry at a show
for no apparent reason (visible to the naked eye)
without explaining
that it hit some
deep seeded nerve
like the episode of GA I just watched.

We all have scars,
just not all of them are visible
and some are deeper than others

My father died when I was 22
I can really relate to how
Meredith is dealing, or rather not dealing
with her mother's death

I can relate to how Christina feels
confused at the end of the show

I can relate to George and how
it gets tiresome to apologize all the time

I can relate to Izzy wondering if she is going to be
the old lady that is still mourning the death of a man she loved
and wonders what people are saying about her

I can relate with Mr. Grey's not knowing
how to talk to his grown daughter...

and they all
they all touch a nerve in me
and I sit
and cry
and even though I am sad
about not having someone to share my life with

I know I am ok with it
for the first time in my life
and I am not looking
for the first time in my life

so in a way
I am mourning the life
I had
and no longer have
even though I think the change is good
and best for me,

it doesn't mean I can't mourn the loss

so yes, the tides in my life
have turned

maybe I am just secure enough with myself
for the first time in my life
to live with myself

It will be interesting to find out
just Who
I Am.

Happy Spring Break

I chose to come home
to see my mother
like a good daughter, I suppose

remind me
I am trying to be the good daughter
which, when I am the only daughter
is still a huge task

so the plane lands,
I get off, walk outside,
and find,
hmmmm it isn't very warm here
and I didn't bring any cool weather clothes
Fuck, that was smart
I thought that since it was warm
at my house
and my mother said it was WARM
here,
that it would be warm

Note to self:
her definition of warm is 50 degrees
my definition of warm is at least 75 degrees,
preferably 80

and on the lovely drive home
I see her weight is not better
and she chose to share some
information that later I am told
she was not going to tell me at all...

History for the reader: She has COPD,
she is a heavy smoker, she refuses to quit
and has gained upwards of a hundred lbs
since she had pneumonia about 4 years ago.

Ok, I notice she has new glasses
and I comment on them
you know, the "I see you have new glasses",

anyway, yes she had to get her eyes checked
to see if her eyelids were impairing her vision
because if they are, her medicaid will help pay

Pay? pay for what?

to have her eyelids done.
Oh, and the lung dr.? what did he say?
he said she should be on oxygen 24/7
instead of when she thinks she should
and that she could have the surgery.

She was trying to orchestrate it
where she could have it done while I am here
but it didn't come together.

will she wait till summer so I can be here

probably not, her cousin can help her
I shouldn't worry...

you know those are her words,
followed by
she wasn't going to tell me at all
because she knows I will worry...

Fuck, she is 73, can't get around
as good as she once could
and is trying to show me that
she can still cook and do things
that she really couldn't do a year ago

and I am not suppose to be concerned
that she wants to have elective surgery
so she will "look better"
and don't confuse look with "see"

and I need to go walk now,
in the less than warm weather...
guess I will work up another sweat and be ok...

Happy Spring Break

I Am Nothing if Not Human

Tomorrow is a very BIG day

I have succeeded in making
the bitches want to leave
and no longer work with me

Everyone yell

WOO HOO BENNU

Two have asked to move
to another grade level
and the other is officially retiring

ok, so maybe I had some help,
but probably not.

anyway, tomorrow we all meet
for our monthly meeting
with our administrator

I have much to brag about
test scores are good, very good,
community outreach
is deemed successful,

plans for upcoming registration
for next year is well-planned
with a flyer,
a Powerpoint presentation that rocks
AND a brochure (that I am still working on)

I have tried my best to prepare to
out do, show up, and piss off
the bitches...

I am sure they have some shit up
their own sleeves,
let's just hope I am ready
to take it

and in the mean time,
if I can get a cell phone to work,
the mail to be delivered,
and the weather to warm up

I might just have a week
that is as good
as my Sunday

I have had a smile plastered on my face for two days

Any guesses as to where I was on Sunday?

I will give you three
and the first two don't count....

WOO HOO BENNU!!!!!!!