It is all about THE WHO

Merry Christmas to you all

As I sit
in a sunny window
typing and thinking
googling and reading
I have been trying
to pinpoint
the basis
or reason
for my angst,
or uneasiness
or restlessness
on this Christmas Day

Where is it coming from?
I have had the best two weeks
for this time of year
that I have had in many years

Fun things
good people to share them with
old traditions
new outings/experiences that may
possibly be
new traditions

My thoughts have been on
Christmas Seasons' Past
when I was little
and we were decorating the tree
with lights strung on the floor all down the hall
or across the living room

getting the ornaments out of the boxes

my dad standing on the chair
to put the star on the top

the lighting of the tree

I only have these memories
from possibly one year

it is the house we lived in
when I was younger than 8

I cannot pinpoint my age
but somewhere between 4 and 8
sounds about right

I don't remember Christmas mornings
much after that

I remember one
about the age of 10
because I had (have) a really bad habit
of peeking
yes, peeking, to see what my gifts are

and one year
about the age of 10
I just knew I was getting
a baton
yes, like a twirler

I wanted a baton
and the package
was a tube that once held
christmas paper
but there were plastic caps
on either end of the tube
with tape over them
the tube was wrapped also
and it rattled like it held a baton
so I didn't open it early
and peek.

I waited til Christmas morning

Christmas morning came
and I couldn't wait to open
my new baton
so I tore through the paper
and opened the end
and tipped it up
so it would come out the end
and it fell out
so quickly
with it's clear plastic top
and curved handle that was black

wait... that doesn't sound like a
BATON does it?

No, because it wasn't,
it was a
Mickey Mouse Umbrella

UGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

so you see, I remember
the disappointment clearly
which I know is not good.
It is just that when I am disappointed
it comes through like a beacon of light
across my face
that cannot be missed
and this was one of those times.

My mother says
every year
that she wants to surprise me
but she doesn't think I am ever surprised
but in truth
she is the best at surprising me
and some of her surprises
have been tremendous

but the true story in this post
is what I do remember
about Christmas's Past

I remember my dad
with his eyes all lit up
at the wonderment of the lights
and gifts under the tree
and how he made it so magical for me

I remember my brothers
and their orneryness
of teasing me about my girly gifts
making snowmen in the yard
playing rough and "rassling"

I remember going to my grandmother's
when I was small
and my grandfather playing with me
and my new toys
and he laughed and he smiled
and he was such fun
I knew he was a crusty, stubborn,
hard man, but with me, he wasn't at all

I remember my children
when they were very small
and their excitement
and the fun of having had
Santa deliver great fun for them

I remember baking cookies with them
to leave for the big man
creating the illusion of something
that makes us all feel special

I remember having my ex
and his children and mine
sit down and enjoy a huge meal
after opening gifts and playing games
and being so thankful to have
so many wonderful people around me

I remember wonderful, small
surprises, that gave me hope
and made me feel loved
the last of which
was something I had seen in
a shop and never thought
would end up with me
but the man who saw it
and bought it
and surprised me
is one that will never be for me again
and disappeared within a shell
while I knew him

so... even though
we make it about the gifts,
the stuff, the food
the commercialism
it isn't at all,

because in the end
what it is all about
is WHO you spend it with
or at least,
who I spend it with

and the people I want most
to spend it with
besides the two that are here
are not able to be here
and it just doens't feel the same
without them

so I think I keep getting up
and wandering around
because I wish they were here
and I hope they are just
in the other room
playing scrabble
or watching TV
or napping

Next year,
plane tickets home
is what I am giving for a gift
or a plane ticket there

I hope that you are/were able
to spend the day
with everyone you wanted to
because when you look back
you don't recall
who gave you
what
which year
but who you sat down to a meal with
who you spent your xmas traditions with
who you sat and talked and laughed with

so enjoy them
every chance you get