What Are You Doing With a Barbie?

I have tried to buy
really good gifts
for my mom
and the last few years
I have found
it difficult to buy her anything
she needs
and it is no longer
a good idea to buy
things of frivolry
that are dust catchers
or sun catchers
she has enough of those

so this year
at Thanksgiving
I tried to inquire
as to what she wanted

and the answer was
a shower head
with a hose
that isn't too stiff
or cold against your skin
that will turn off at the head
so she doesn't have to get up
off the seat in the shower
to turn the water off
or down
while showering

and you know what
I searched and searched
and I found it
along with a small pyrex dish
a spatula that is bendy
an egg slicer (she said she wanted one)
a gourd shaped like a fish
that is a bird house
a kitty kat ring holder
Salt and Pepper Mills
that look like rabbits
and improve hand strength
as you use them
and a Mariposa Barbie
(not to mention, a computer desk)
She liked them all
but she really lit up
when she saw the Barbie
It was like she was a little girl again
It was so fun to watch her get so excited
and I knew
I had done well
to surprise her
So I sat back and thought
about the history
of dolls in our family

When I was little,
I never played with dolls
at least not more
than once or twice
and I can pretty well remember
both those times
but my mom tried
and tried
and tried
to get me interested in dolls

My mom had dolls
she had gotten as a child
for Christmas
Madame Alexanders
Little Red Riding Hood
and others
that she had collected over the years

We were living
out in the country
and I was about 9 or 10
and we had a well house
where you had to insulate
the well so it wouldn't freeze
and Daddy didn't think
about mice and rodents
getting into it
so when they did
his solution
was to burn everything in
the well house
which included
my mother's dolls
she was crushed
almost as much
as the year he plowed
the gas line
that led to the greenhouse
in the dead of winter
and all her plants
died over night
so yeah, he wasn't perfect

*flash back to the other day

RJ looked into my back seat
There was a Barbie
sitting in her box
on the seat
It was the
Mariposa Barbie

Mariposa is Butterfly
in Spanish
She is a pretty Barbie
and I couldn't resist her
when I saw her in the store
while getting Hot Wheels
for my boys at school.

RJ said in an astonished voice
"What are you doing
with a Barbie?
You don't strike me
as a doll person..."

"She is for my mom"
I replied with a laugh
in my voice

"Your mom plays
with dolls?" he asked
indignantly

"NO, she just collects them"
I reply

then I started thinking
of the first one we gave her
the boys and I

I am not sure when it was
but I think what happened
was that my oldest
saw a holiday Barbie
maybe when we were buying one
for my step daughter
or considering it
and he though that my mom
would like it

and she did
she was so excited
that we were stunned
and new it was the beginning
of many years of
Santa bringing her a Barbie

My oldest hasn't been with us
for Christmas for a few years
but this year
when I saw her
I had to get her
and I am glad I did.

They are all still in their boxes
and someday
I will get them
and probably sell them
or maybe I will collect them
just to remember
how excited Ya was
when she opened them.

So if you see me with a Barbie
it isn't for me
it is to try to make up
for some of the misery
my father inflicted
intentionally or not.

Some Days

Some Days
are easier
than others

Some holidays
are easier than others

As good as this holiday has been
there is something
gnawing at me

I have been lonely
I know lonely well
but the last few days
Lonely has been
the unwanted guest at my Christmas party
who just won't leave

I have things I want to say
to people I know
or have known

I have the green-eyed monster
calling my name
when
for reasons that are
way beyond me
people from my past
seem to be doing
or living
or traveling
so much better than I am

which causes
me to remind myself
hmmmm but those are the places
we talked about 10 years ago
have an original thought
would you?
so... does she appreciate
the lack of sex in her life?
because I know I didn't.....

and then I feel better

but yes

today,
was one of those
Some Days

I baked the honey ham
and potatoes

I made 2 batches
of pralines,

I wrote a post or two
I talked to the hippie
about some help
with a family matter

I talked to the muse
but we both agreed
we knew nothing new
and had nothing to say

which is unusual for us

even when we talk
several times a day

I visited with my mom
and helped my son
bring in the desk I brought her
which looks great with the tile
and isn't cluttered yet

I took a 2 and a half hour nap
well deserved
on her
Tempurpedic mattress
(you can get me one anytime)

and I played with the new puppies
payed attention to Mitten Kitten
and visited with a young lady
that comes to see Mother
whenever she is in the area

It has been a day
a not too busy day
but a busy enough day

but
in the back of my mind
the lonely bug
clings
with all his might

and poisons all the thoughts
I have that could be positive
with the lonely virus
that spreads like wildfire

Tomorrow will be a better day
it has to be
and not a Some Day

I do at least notice
while reading others writings
that at least it seems to be
a pretty universal virus
that many experience
this time of year

I sincerely hope
you do not catch it

unless of course
you are one of those people
that are turning me green
because your life "appears"
better than it was with me
but I really know better
I just have to keep reminding myself

It is all about THE WHO

Merry Christmas to you all

As I sit
in a sunny window
typing and thinking
googling and reading
I have been trying
to pinpoint
the basis
or reason
for my angst,
or uneasiness
or restlessness
on this Christmas Day

Where is it coming from?
I have had the best two weeks
for this time of year
that I have had in many years

Fun things
good people to share them with
old traditions
new outings/experiences that may
possibly be
new traditions

My thoughts have been on
Christmas Seasons' Past
when I was little
and we were decorating the tree
with lights strung on the floor all down the hall
or across the living room

getting the ornaments out of the boxes

my dad standing on the chair
to put the star on the top

the lighting of the tree

I only have these memories
from possibly one year

it is the house we lived in
when I was younger than 8

I cannot pinpoint my age
but somewhere between 4 and 8
sounds about right

I don't remember Christmas mornings
much after that

I remember one
about the age of 10
because I had (have) a really bad habit
of peeking
yes, peeking, to see what my gifts are

and one year
about the age of 10
I just knew I was getting
a baton
yes, like a twirler

I wanted a baton
and the package
was a tube that once held
christmas paper
but there were plastic caps
on either end of the tube
with tape over them
the tube was wrapped also
and it rattled like it held a baton
so I didn't open it early
and peek.

I waited til Christmas morning

Christmas morning came
and I couldn't wait to open
my new baton
so I tore through the paper
and opened the end
and tipped it up
so it would come out the end
and it fell out
so quickly
with it's clear plastic top
and curved handle that was black

wait... that doesn't sound like a
BATON does it?

No, because it wasn't,
it was a
Mickey Mouse Umbrella

UGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

so you see, I remember
the disappointment clearly
which I know is not good.
It is just that when I am disappointed
it comes through like a beacon of light
across my face
that cannot be missed
and this was one of those times.

My mother says
every year
that she wants to surprise me
but she doesn't think I am ever surprised
but in truth
she is the best at surprising me
and some of her surprises
have been tremendous

but the true story in this post
is what I do remember
about Christmas's Past

I remember my dad
with his eyes all lit up
at the wonderment of the lights
and gifts under the tree
and how he made it so magical for me

I remember my brothers
and their orneryness
of teasing me about my girly gifts
making snowmen in the yard
playing rough and "rassling"

I remember going to my grandmother's
when I was small
and my grandfather playing with me
and my new toys
and he laughed and he smiled
and he was such fun
I knew he was a crusty, stubborn,
hard man, but with me, he wasn't at all

I remember my children
when they were very small
and their excitement
and the fun of having had
Santa deliver great fun for them

I remember baking cookies with them
to leave for the big man
creating the illusion of something
that makes us all feel special

I remember having my ex
and his children and mine
sit down and enjoy a huge meal
after opening gifts and playing games
and being so thankful to have
so many wonderful people around me

I remember wonderful, small
surprises, that gave me hope
and made me feel loved
the last of which
was something I had seen in
a shop and never thought
would end up with me
but the man who saw it
and bought it
and surprised me
is one that will never be for me again
and disappeared within a shell
while I knew him

so... even though
we make it about the gifts,
the stuff, the food
the commercialism
it isn't at all,

because in the end
what it is all about
is WHO you spend it with
or at least,
who I spend it with

and the people I want most
to spend it with
besides the two that are here
are not able to be here
and it just doens't feel the same
without them

so I think I keep getting up
and wandering around
because I wish they were here
and I hope they are just
in the other room
playing scrabble
or watching TV
or napping

Next year,
plane tickets home
is what I am giving for a gift
or a plane ticket there

I hope that you are/were able
to spend the day
with everyone you wanted to
because when you look back
you don't recall
who gave you
what
which year
but who you sat down to a meal with
who you spent your xmas traditions with
who you sat and talked and laughed with

so enjoy them
every chance you get

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Each year
time seems to pass
faster and faster

On Halloween,
one of my favorite holidays,
I felt like it should still be
AUGUST
and then sloughed it off
to the weather being so warm

Thanksgiving seemed to come
when I was ready for Halloween
The food was good
the company was better
and it was a good time at my mom's
even though I worked my ass off
cooking and cleaning

Friday, December 21st
I stood in my classroom
straightening up
for a day of merriment
and the big PAR-TAY
and I thought
Man, if I just had one more week
to get ready for Christmas
we could get so much done
but alas
I had but one day
and then a weekend
and today,
Christmas Eve
is my first day off
and the last day before
Christmas Day

At least I had my shopping
done, well except for my mom
which I did on Saturday evening
and a bit on Sunday

You see, I talked to RJ
who I needed to give a gift to
before I leave town
and he was in a state of "FRAZZLE"
he hates shopping
the holiday was here before he was ready
and he was not in a happy place
so he came to get me
we went to breakfast
I asked what gifts he still needed
and we devised a plan
to go to one shopping area
and get all his shopping done
in one stop shopping
and it was fun
we picked out goodies for gift baskets
in Whole Foods
we were beyond in the
Bed and Bath store
looking for more goodies
and a candy thermometer
for me to make more pralines
and I found as much or more than he did
but all items I needed
then we braved Old Navy
which was not as bad as I expected
and then he had to have some
Magnetic fingers
like the one I gave him
with the gloves included
(just google it, they have a great website)
and the inventor lives close by
so I called him up and we went over
and made a few additional purchases
they make great small gifts
and everyone is thrilled with them.

It was fun
It is so much more fun shopping
when you have a comrade to enjoy it with

Which leads me to what this post is all about

I have had a very merry christmas
and it isn't even Christmas yet

It started off
with several opportunities to view the lights
at a university
in my neighborhood
and other places

Then last Wednesday night
the Law Student took the journey
to the great lights in Johnson City
we ate great mexican food in Blanco
and he was just as excited to see them
as I was, only like the first time I saw them
we had pralines I had made
and he claimed they were the best he had ever eaten
that was great for my ego

The DR. took me to a christmas jazz concert
of mostly saxophones that was simply devine
complete with a huge bottle of champagne
and great attention.

but then
Mr. Duvall called and wanted to come see me
on Christmas Eve's Eve
and spend the night

I got what I wanted for Christmas
and it isn't even Christmas yet
so it can only get better
if that is even possible

I leave in a little while
headed home
to see my mom
and family
and will have more time to blog then
but
I wanted to say .....

My Christmas wish for you
is that you get
whatever your heart desires
that makes you happy
and feel special
this Christmas
I wish for you

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Fish or Cut Bait

My best male friend, RJ
tells me
to Fish
or cut bait
when I am struggling
to decide what/when/ why
about a man
in my life
what is it I like/ don't like
when do I decide if I want to
be more than a date or two
here and there
why do/don't Ilike him
well enough to roll in the hay with him

and RJ gets tired of me asking
for advice
or why men do the things they do

so I have taken this whole new view
of men
and their role in my life

sure I am lonely
come to find out
so are the men I meet

some just want someone to eat a meal with
so they don't have to eat alone
some just want to cuddle on the couch
and have the touch of a woman close by
some just want to have sex but no ties
or strings
some want good conversation,
intellectual stimulation in the form of music
and some think they know what they want
but when it comes to talking about it
they really don't know
for sure

The way in which I have chosen
to throw myself
back into the lion's den
is to throw my fishing line
back into the deep water
where there are all kinds of fish
swimming around
all mixed in together
and all very different
at least in how they appear
like sharks and clown fish

They are, in no particular order
Mr. Clean,
Doc, the Cowboy Fisherman,
the oilman, the hippie,
the great white hunter, and
the showman.

There are some other peripheral
players, but for the most part
I have met and wish I had gotten a chance
to get to know better, at least in some cases.

One, the oilman, invited me out
sat and talked,
things clicked,
we had a great time
drinking, watching football,
and having great conversation...
at least great enough to
have a great makeout session
in the front seat of his truck

and then he disappeared
into thin air
or was he a figment
of my overactive imagination

well at least I behaved myself
and didn't go TOO far
just far enough to know
I was interested in going further

so, burn baby burn
that oilfield trash

and what is really sad
is that I have no idea
why
he disappeared
without a word
after giving me his life history
business card
and discussing all the things
he wanted "us' to do
together
so yea,
to me
that is sad...

Mr. Clean
you guessed it,
he shaves his head
and he is the first guy
I have ever met
in a possible
position as a
"more than friends"
situation
so yea, it is sexy
he has a great laugh
he is complimentary
but he is just coming out of a marriage
so he just wants to cuddle on the couch
and watch tv
the only kind of relationship
he thinks he is interested in
is a NSA buddy
if you get the drift
but hey
I like cuddling on the couch
and I like his company
so
that is an option


The hippie cracks me up
(yes, long hair, and reminds me
of John Lennon, only cuter)
he is nothing if not persistent
but has been nothing more than
a pure gentleman
he is in need of conversation
and he happens to like me
so it works
he is very sarcastic
and cracks jokes
and I like that
He thinks of things I would like to do
and then asks me to do them
and I like that
and it is strictly platonic
which is a given
and I am ok with that
for now.

Doc likes jazz music
and good movies
and great food
We have had the best meals
and he took me to PF Changs
which I love
The jazz concerts have been great
The new restaurants were great
I asked him to a movie
and it was good
so we have been having a grand time
I can't tell for sure where he is coming from
but I think he does want more than just sex
and I keep wondering why I am holding back
on that, and on thinking it is more
than very casual
and it hit me
he is planning on moving to New Zealand
within a year
and as much as I want to go there, I know, I really
KNOW
I won't go there to live.
so is there any chance in that?
I don't know
but he is calling
DAILY
and he has a pool and a hot tub
so
how can I pass that up?
A goodlooking man
paying good attention
with water fun to boot
I can't pass that up
but I do know
in the back of my mind
it will fall apart and soon
because he wants to live on the other side
of the world

The showman is out of town
after a brief meeting
we had a great meeting
but he is out of town
so ... that is not
definable at the moment

The best is left for last
the cowboy fisherman
invited me out for a dance
in an old dancehall
in the middle of nowhere
we danced and he was good
at least in my rusty dancing feet
he was great
and I liked his mannerisms
and his smile
and his voice
and I did three really dumb
"Blonde" things
and he laughed them all off
it was great
He left me clever voicemails
he gave me trout fresh from the sea
we cooked up a great dinner together
and he laid the ground rules
he was looking for some fun
nothing serious,
just a cuddle, a dance
a roll in the hay
and I was in agreement
we talked football
food, fishing on the coast,
his story or history or baggage,
and I told him a bit of mine
and tried to make sure
he knew that I am all for
supporting a man in his endeavors
whether it be a regular roll in the hay
or catching the trout that breaks all the records
he went fishing this last weekend
he discussed going dancing with me
this next weekend
but I haven't heard from him
for a week,
and I told the muse,
I think the cowboy fisherman
must have drowned
while out catching
"the big one"

well, she said
he's bait now....
*hee hee hee*
yeah,
when it comes to fishing or cutting bait
I must be cutting bait
for some reason
it is not time for me to fish
or it is past time
I am not sure
so I cut that bait free
even though
once again
I was really enjoying him
and it is sad to not know
what it was that made him
disappear at sea