Time for a Change

I hope I am up
for what I have planned

People
for the most part
do NOT LIKE
Change

I think it isn't because it is different
but the adjustment time
is difficult

It takes time to make an adjustment
in your life

and it seems that
in my case

things I thought would work for me
or how they "just were"
was how they should be
or how I should be

and I know better than to use
that word

should

for example:
my two closest friends
the Muse and RJ

were the only ones who called me
on Christmas
to wish me a merry day
and talk

besides my sons
who did call or see me

and Mr. Duvall did call
on Christmas Eve
to wish me
Happy Holidays

other than that
no calls

no calls from men
who I have been dating
or have dated
or might possibly date

who in my pea brain
SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST CALLED
to say Merry Christmas
How INSENSITIVE
I thought....

hmmm... no, they may not be
really
insensitive
after all, they are
just men
and
they don't have a clue
that it is a big thing
to ME
to be friendly and reach out
on holidays

Plus,

I am at my mom's
which is
difficult
and not having anyone
to buffer the blows
is difficult as well
I have found
that she behaves
better when someone else is here
with me

Anyway, back to the point
people don't like change
because it is difficult to adjust to

IT IS TIME FOR AN ADJUSTMENT
I am undertaking
a huge adjustment in my life
I think it is going to be
like a smoker who gives up smoking

I am going to stop
I am going to stop looking
I am going to stop looking for that one man
that I have been thinking I needed in my life

I don't think I can stop dating
I enjoy the company of men
too much for that

but I am going to stop expecting
much of anything
from the men I do go out with.

I am going to spend more time
at getting in shape
reading
working around my house
and cooking

I think spending
my time and energy
on these things
is more productive
more predictable
and healthier for me.

Just like the smoker who quits
I am going to take it
one day
at a time
and take each day as it comes

The time I have spent here
with my mom
and away from my usual life
have been a good start

I haven't talked to any men
save my friend RJ
and Mr. Duvall's xmas wishes
since I left
and I haven't called any either.

Which may not sound like much to you
but it is.

I have two new books to ready
a new stereo (xmas gift) to install
a new gym membership (thanks to health care provider)
and new curtains to hang
when I get home.
Enough to keep me busy
til I go back to work next week.

The New Year?

Going dancing with the Muse
on the 30th
going on my annual pilgrimage
to the beach
alone
on the 31st,
and returning on the 1st.

I intend to chart my progress here

and remember
it doesn't have anything to do
with not
dating
or having sex

it has everything to do
with having no
expectations
or looking
for "Mr. Right"

Merry Christmas

Have a good one...

I am doing good just to survive it.

Not up to another downer post
so i will refrain.

Rock Solid Alibi

My health has been
well
less than STELLAR
of late
but really
after the Dr. went over
all the tests he ran
I am in really good condition
I just don't feel it

My shenanigans of late
had me a bit concerned
when my "aunt" didn't come to visit
on time this month
but then again,
I do have a benign tumor
in my uterus
that is the size of a walnut
which until today
I was under the assumption
as told by the nurse over the phone
that it was a water cyst on my ovary

Given all that
I chose to take a day
after two beautifully sunny days
and the dr. visit
was the excuse

but lucky for me
and my conscience
which makes me feel guilty
for playing "hooky"
because this afternoon
I am going to see Mr. Duvall
for an afternoon of pure delight

I saw the president of the PTA
in the lobby of the Dr. Office
so....
air tight alibi
the rabbit didn't die
and sex all afternoon

what more could a girl ask for?

ummm

well, you are right,
I could ask
to find a man
that will stay in my bed
and my life
but hey, let's be realistic
that ain't happening

Loose ends of Posts Nearly Forgotten or Never Finished

The Bitches
Their painting of their
Gingerbread houses was
hmmmmm
not great

not that my painting was great
but it had some depth
and proportion

and I promised the Pre-K
teacher, who is
my mom away from mom
I would paint hers for her
since they had put up paper for her

I played hookie on Friday
but I did stay late on Thurs
til nearly 8:30 and I painted
her GB house,
just the white highlights

and on Friday morning
the Queen Bitch came in
and asked her
"who painted your GB house?
It is beautiful!"
and she told her
I had done it

Hee Hee Hee
I know how much she hated
finding out
she had paid me a compliment

but it felt good
and yeah
I know how childish
my feelings about it all
actually are

but deep down
we are all
products of our
childhood and experiences
early in our lives


Expectations

I expect a lot

I expect a lot
of my family
I don't know if I was truly
a good mother
I wanted to think I was
while I was raising my children

but you know
hindsight is 20/20
and what I do know
is that I didn't do / handle
many things
as well as I should have
or could have
but I did my best
with the knowledge I had

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of my friends
I expect to hear from them often
I expect them to be there
when I need them
within reason of course
and
I expect them to know
that I am here for them as well

Last night the muse
and I went to see
A Christmas program
at her church
It was a progressive program
where you walk around
from one scene to another
and it was excellent

but what surprised me
is that while we were
sitting
and waiting for our turn
to take the walk
she said something
to me about what a
friend I was
I know she will correct me
in the comments
of what she really did say
but it surprised me so
that I don't remember how
she worded it
so here is what I heard

"Bennu, what a friend you are"
"Why?" I asked
"for coming to this with me."

I thought about this a great deal
while we were walking around
viewing a fantastic program
that out does anything I have seen
at a church of that size

I love doing things like that
I didn't see it as a big deal
that she would drag me to
because she wanted to go
I wanted to go too
I am usually up for an adventurous
day/ night/ trip to something different

but she saw it
she saw it as something
she wanted to experience
but not by herself

I know holidays are hard for her
but I don't understand
all the levels involved
because she doesn't
really talk about it

LSS, I didn't see it
as a big deal for her
but she did
and she was glad I was there

I am usually pretty verbal
about what I expect
of my friends and others
and many
many friends have
sorely disappointed me
over the years
so now I have
few friends
but the ones I have
they are like family to me

we accept each other
for who we are
and forgive our shortcomings
and are there when
the other needs us
*(most of the time)

I expect a lot

I expect a lot of
any man in my life

hence why they
don't hang around long

I don't think my expectations
are unrealistic
at least they aren't
FOR ME
but they must seem
that way to others

but I swear
that man is out there
I just hope I run into him
the sooner the better
but I am not holding my breath

but YEAH
I Do Have
Hight Expectations
of others
but nothing I am not willing
to live up to myself
so I like to think of them as
GREAT EXPECTATIONS

What makes a house a home?

I have lived in this apt.
for a year at the end of
this month
I want it to feel like home
sometimes
some little part of it does
but most of the time
it feels
like a box filled with
all my shit
most of which is
sentimental
and I find I cannot see
myself parting with it
as if a part of me will go with it
and I will be even less
than I feel I am now
and I cannot bear that thought

and yet
it doesn't feel like home
and I find myself here
wanting to just lay down in bed
and cover my head and sleep

escaping this life
for a brief time
and hoping when I wake up it is better
but it usually isn't ....

I miss my children
I miss having them in the house
I miss doing Holiday stuff with them
I am not enjoying being alone.
Therefore,
I am not at home in my abode...
and I am sad
very sad today...

hence the end of this post.

Copycat-ing is the highest form of a compliment, Fucking A

As you may remember
I am the teacher of the children

there is a teacher I really enjoy working with
her name here will now be Boo

there are three teachers I really DON"T
enjoy working with
known as
The Bitches across the Hall

So,
Boo and I have been working
and planning
and preparing
for the Holiday Season

We chose three books to use to teach
that are Christmas related

One of which is
The Gingerbread Man

and different versions of it

So yesterday
Boo and I stayed late and
put brown butcher paper up in the hall
drew Gingerbread Houses on it
and began painting it

So we have two beautiful GB Houses
up in the hall
when the little lovelies (children)
arrived this morning

of course
you know
the Bitches
were so jealous

They decided that they should put up their own
GB houses on the wall
in the hall
JUST LIKE OURS

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

*singing like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality

They are so jealous
They wish they were so smart
They want to do what we did
They wish they were so clever
They are so jealous

and now, now
mine and Boo's

look really good
next to theirs.

And for bitches who
are so lazy they leave
early every day

they were still there
when I left today
and they hadn't even started
painting....

and they used crappy
I said Crappy
TAPE

and we used the only tape we know
that will hold up
in our hall

Green masking tape
from the taping aisle
at Home Depot.

and no, I didn't tell them nada.....

Paybacks are hell
and they just collected


hee hee hee

Ok The Party's Over

Never in my life
have I had
more than one man paying me attention

I have never
had to break up with someone
in order to date someone else

and the last three weeks
the last three weeks
have been a roller coaster

But now it is over
and all the men have gone away
but man
most of it
well most of it
was wonderful

more attention
than I have had
in a very long time

and now
well now it has come to an end

and that is ok too

I told Mr. Turnaround
to turn around and walk away

I wanted to see Mr. Sullivan
exclusively

he tried to put up a fight,
but really there wasn't one
and he is gone

and then,
well then I told Mr. Duvall
about Mr. Sullivan
and he gave me his best wishes
and he bowed out
he knew what it was
and I knew what it wasn't
and we will always care about each other

and then I didn't have to tell
the other two, I just didn't call
them and they didn't call me
so that was really easy.

Then why am I not still seeing Mr. Sullivan?
He freaked out on me
what about
I am not really sure
but I am not in a place
to fight for him
for a "could be" relationship

so after a bit of shock
and anger
I gave in to it
and told him
I wished him the best

and even though ghosts
from my past
have raised their ugly heads
I have ignored them
and am looking forward

so today
today I am struggling
with
a battery operated drill
that seems to not have enough power
to penetrate
walls that seem to not
want to take a screw into
the sheetrock
and I am using my frustrations
to make that wall take that screw
or come up with another way
hang my new glass Witch's Balls

yeah I know,
I have more balls than most men
and that is why one doesn't hang around

and for now,
like
Leilana
I am good with that.
It isn't like I don't have things to keep me busy....
and my heart isn't ready
even though
I thought it might be

there is still too much distrust
and disappointment in others.

Hell I am so mad at the Muse
right now, I may have to give that friendship up as well...

* Update, the muse and I got over our "miscommunication and misunderstandings and made up.... and Mr. Sullivan came to his senses. I was ready to let him walk away, but he admitted he really did like me, he was just scared... hmmm we will see how far that goes...