Ok, Now Pray for Me

It was a good idea to go home
(from TX panhandle) on Tuesday,
after driving up (to TX panhandle)
on Sunday after my mom had a heart attack
and was diagnosed with pneumonia.

It was a good idea to leave her
at her worst state and most critical,
to take care of tasks
so that I could return
when she was stable and awake and alert.

It was a good idea to wait
for my brother to arrive
before going back home
so he could sit with her
in case she woke up
and was alert
and they took her off the ventilator

Which they did
She was cantankerous with him
she said the food tasted like crap
she took her oxygen mask off
even while her hands were restrained

When she talked the nurses
into taking her restraints off
and then she promptly ripped out her IV's
not once mind you
but twice

It was a good idea to come back on Saturday
(yesterday) because now
now she is eating regular food
she is sitting up
she is walking with the help of physical therapists
she is lucid and working crossword puzzles with me

then she is trying to take out her catheter
and she is calling me and waking me up
early in the morning
to ask me to bring her a brush for her hair
and there is one there I took last Saturday
but she can't find it

She is giving away the ice cream I went out
and bought her last night
but she isn't eating her breakfast

She is trying to feed herself
but she knows she is not really able to
and makes a mess

Then she tells me
how the nurses are drug dealers
and are keeping her all doped up

It was a good idea to get up there early today
so she could fuss at me for not bringing her teeth
(which I took before, but my brother brought home
because the speech therapist said she didn't need them yet)
so I drove home and got them (30 min each way)

It was a good idea to feed her the lunch they brought her
then I didn't care if she ate all the Easter sugar cookie
I iced with lemon icing
which she didn't say she liked or she didn't
(I know, she is the sick one, leave me alone)

It was a good idea to sit and do the crossword puzzle with her
I saw that I could do one on my own
and she saw that I could too
and she did think of several words
and said them
after I told her the clue
and how many letters
and what letters I had
and after I had written it down

It was a good idea to come to her house
and take a nap and eat some chicken salad
(I made it Friday for Good Friday dinner)
so that she could call and ask when I am coming back

I love my mom,
I am so thankful she is doing so well,
I am so dreading her verbal beatings,
which if you ever met her, you would understand,
how much I need your prayers right now...

Let's see, here is a sampling from this morning

Bennu, are you going to sleep all day? (8 am)
My brush disappeared, it was here last night and then
poof it was in that chair after I called you.
Bennu, have you lost weight? oh... no I think it is that shirt
that was a good choice
it makes you look thinner
Bennu, tell them you have to go home tomorrow
so they will let me go home and I can have a smoke
Bennu, I feel sorry for your brother, he doesn't have anyone
(who the fuck do I have? who the fuck does my other brother have? I don't know, but my worthless brother has no one, so let's feel sorry for him)
Bennu, isn't she cute, isn't she nice, couldn't you be more like her? (the night nurse)

and now that I write them, I guess they aren't that bad
but you can't hear the tone and intonation....

and I hear them in my head all the time...

I am headed back to the hospital now, after having a nap
and some chicken salad and crackers
for my Easter Dinner
and we will work crosswords
or sit and talk about how she wants to go home
or she will let a few secrets slip out
like my brother (the good one, that was here)
looks better than he ever has
but what she said to him was
Well you don't look like "Bennu's Brother"
after she asked who was sitting with her
and why....

prayers, light a candle, whatever you can do,
I would appreciate them
in both our names

but yes, she is getting so much better
I can tell because she is acting worse