All is Unwell

As I have said before
there are a few men
I am seeing
nothing too serious
although one
WAS looking like it might be
but alas,
it is turning out to be
indeterminable

Anyway, I have a full plate
which it was stated
very bluntly to me
the other day
my plate is usually full

Like I fucking choose it to be
Like I love having a child
that should be acting like a grownup
but instead chooses to act
like a pre-adolescent
and lie to me,
steal from me,
and treat me with disrespect.

Like I fucking like having men
treat me poorly,
stand me up,
betray my trust,
and/or
tell me what to do
with my life
from the smallest detail
to the largest decisions...
(long story, not worth telling)

Like I fucking like
working with drama queens
who act like 12 year olds

and like
I fucking like searching for a new job

which I am....
against my will
and with all the strength I can muster...

and then today
I find
tears at every turn
I talk to the muse
she says

You are in crisis mode
a few days ago,
you had no emotions

Exactly, I think I was in shock

and the last three days
you can't stop crying

Exactly, now it has hit me

Well, she says
You need to seek help
even if you don't want to

and she is right
on both counts
I should seek help
but no
I don't want to...

I am unwell
but it will pass
I just have to muster
the strength
to get through it
and I have to do it
on my own
in my own time
in my own way
on my own terms

but yeah
having a full plate
of worries and troubles
does get old
and it does wear on a person

so yea,
again
that padded room
with the comfy white jacket
sure does sound appealing

except I would miss the sunshine

maybe I just need a day on the beach...
or a week
or another summer
or a lifetime...

think I will check out the LIFETIME
opportunities...

Until then,
don't worry
this too, will pass