I hinted the other day
and you know when I hint
I really just say what I think
and many people dont catch on to it
that I don't always mean to
it just comes
blurting out
I haven't liked how my life has gone
especially this year
but for several years
I have been trying to change it
but it seems
I am stuck
I take steps forward
I get pushed back twice as far
I get up
I dust myself off
I try to get back on the horse
whether is it
the "mothering" horse
the "dating" horse
the "working well with others" horse
and I get thrown for a loop
again
my friends are drifting away from me
they have "significant others" in their lives
and as it should be
they come first along with children and family
and I am somewhere down on the list
and less significant to them
than I once was
I get it, I really do understand
and it is a big message to me
to get out
and find my own life
so I have been trying
maybe not the way
that others would try
but I am trying
I have tried to spend time alone
and figure out what I want
but what it has taught me
is that I don't want to be
alone all the time
I end up talking to myself
using "we" as if I am two people
taking care of one
and I have caught myself
doing it in public
at the grocery store
or shopping
or driving
and it is driving me crazy...
You never know where you might meet someone
but I have trouble hanging out in public,
I feel very invisible
I have flown several times
over the last 20 years
and I remember a time
when goodlooking men would WANT
to sit by me
and now
no one looks at me
no one chooses to sit next to me
at least not men
I met a teacher who works for another district
who I had a great conversation with
and that was once out of the last 6 trips
(which equals about 24 different planes after connector flights)
I am invisible in the airport
I am invisible in the bookstore
I am invisible in Starbucks
So how do I catch a man's eye
I chose to try the internet
I have my ways,
I no longer use "dating" sites
but there is still Craigs List
and it is free
and apparently
you get what you pay for
I had 3 different men who were
suppose to call me last Saturday morning
for a breakfast date
One is a friend
One is an ex-lover and now friend
and one was a new man
I met on CL
None of them called
Saturday night
I was suppose to have a "first" date
with the one that called on Thanksgiving
and actually had been calling every day
for over a week
but he faded away into a worm hole
without so much as a word as to why
so that petered out
and I was ok with it
Sunday I chose to not try to make any plans
but one man wrote
and wanted to go play pool or something else fun
and I was busy cooking
we wrote email
we chatted
and by 7:30 I was getting dressed
to go have hot cocoa and meet
He was great,
I hadn't been that giddy since Mr. Turnaround
He was handsome
he was clever
he was complimentary
and
apparently
he could have been a figment of my
overactive imagination
or simply a magic trick
because he has disappeared into thin air
I have a full week of dates
with new men and old friends
and Mr. Duvall on Sunday
(haven't seen him in over a month)
and my son
who was here before Turkey day
and then drained my bank acct. dry
so I could get him back to his hometown
so he could get a job and work and be near his dad
has decided,
in less than a week
to come back to this part of the world
Now, don't get me wrong,
I love my son
but the days of letting him stay with me
giving him money to get him on his feet
and putting up with his verbal and emotional abuse
are gone
I have felt funny all day
and have been tearful
and didn't know where it was coming from
but then he called
about 9 pm to tell me
and I had to lay down the law
and right now
right now
i need someone
to hold me
and make me feel like
the world isn't ending
I don't know if I can keep my sanity
with my son here
I give into his lies
and his manipulation
wanting to believe him
and think he has changed
but I know he hasn't
and as much as I want to shut the door in his face
when it comes right down to it, I can't...
and there is no one I can call
that I feel like I can ask
to come and
just hold me
It is the worst feeling in the world
and I understand how people get bitter
I feel so misunderstood
and lonely and like a bad mother
it just kills me....
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
