House Hunting

Still looking, it is amazing, that even with a "professional" helping me, none of the ones I have looked at so far, float my boat.

No More Mr. U

Well, that didn't last long. Long story short:

He's a misogynist, but he is no Charlie Harper.... got up and left during the ballgame, left him holding the "bag". Right after his last poorly chosen comment about me. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

An Email from RJ

I started to respond on you blog but thought maybe you would rather not have the world read this. You are a very good friend. It amazes me that in the span of 6 short months I would be at a point that I could tell you that (As you know I am not a very open person and it generally takes people considerably longer periods of time to reach the level of openness that we have.). After reading you last couple of posts on your blog I saw you selling yourself short. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the positive qualities you have to offer in a relationship. In my own inept way I was trying to remind you of those things yesterday and today, and that someone completely hung up on physical characteristics wasn't worth your time. While appearances have their place (all be it limited) they do not control who we are. I realize that some of your insecurities are based on your perception of yourself, and maybe that is because no one reminds you that you do have alot to offer. So I wanted to do just that. That is the real point of this email. Bennu, you are an attractive, vibrant woman. Yes I said attractive .... just look at some of the women in the HEB next time your there, even without makeup and in sweats you are attractive .... it has to do with the way you carry yourself. I don't see you as overweight (I know we have had this discussion .... just listen), a few extra pounds perhaps, but you are active and energetic (I'm not sure I could handle 21 5 year olds for 8 hours a day). You have alot going on in your life right now, but somehow you manage to still meet your commitments and for the most part handle it all. I know of people with less stress in their lives that can barely stumble through their day. You know what you want. Hell I wish I knew for sure what I want. You are a giving person with true concern for your friends. Your loyal and would do anything for a friend, Amused Muse couldn't ask for a better person to keep an eye on her (neither could I). I guess what I want you to remember is you deserve a good, decent, honest and loyal significant other. Don't settle for something less. If a woman's physical appearance is the main thing on Mr. U's list then he isn't worth your time. You bring alot to a relationship and don't discount the importance of those things you bring to the table. I care about you and hate to see you discouraged. Smile ... maybe even laugh (your eyes really light up when you laugh). Take care
RJ
P.S. Just so you know there is no way I would have written this much on your blog.

MY Response:
Thank you so much for the Pep Talk, RJ. ... I need (ed) it. Funny thing is that Mr. U never acted like my physical self was not up to snuff, I did that to myself... all of the sudden all of my insecurities rose to the surface and overtook my being for a few days... I am now on the road to recovery, but the fact that you wrote such great things and when I know you don't compliment often, I wanted to share it with the world.

Bennu

Second Date Discussion With RJ (since he thinks I didn't reveal enough of myself in the last conversation post)

RJ: So you and Mr. Universe have a date Tuesday?
B: I don't know if it is a date or a park and grab
RJ: Park and Grab?
B: I left my jacket at his house. His message said the soonest he could get back to me was Tuesday.... what does that mean to you? Here, listen to the voice mail he left me...

(intermission)

RJ: Sounds positive to me, it might be a date.
B: Yeah but 5 days later? what is he doing in the mean time?
RJ: Maybe he went out of town...
B: yeah (and thinks "with some other woman")

silence...

B: I just think he is too perfect for me, I have good self esteem, but he has me questioning it... I am not as self confident as I come across most of the time. You see my insecurities more than anyone else right now, because I share them with you.
RJ: Fleeting glimpses, I get fleeting glimpses of them...
B: yeah, but in my head, they are constant. I am not comfortable with my weight... I feel like I am athletic, but some men have flat out told me I am fat, so that is what comes to mind when someone with the physique of Mr. U is around. I feel like I am not good enough. The thing is... he was a perfect gentleman.... he never even looked like it bothered him, much less said anything... so just like you, who thinks that some woman is going to say no if you ask her out again, I don't think he is interested in pursuing anything with "me" due to my insecurities.

RJ: yeah, but you shouldn't feel insecure.
B: Thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence, and I am working on it.


B: Are you going to go out with E again soon?
RJ: I don't know, it just wasn't comfortable
B: what about the other one you went out with last week
RJ: I don't think she is interested...
B: why
RJ: I don't know...

ahhhhhhhh I am not the only one... dating sucks



COMMENTARY:

RJ, we all have insecurities, mine come from comments people in my past have made to me. I take things (words) very seriously, and the perfectionist part of me won't let me be "ok" or "good" enough at times.

Plus, I overthink things way too much... hence why my knee recovery was so poor, I didn't do things "automatically" and now I find that if I am wrangling 22 5 year olds up stairs, I climb them just fine, but if I am by myself, I think I have to limp due to my knee... I need to let go and let things happen more often...

A Dating Conversation between Bennu and RJ

RJ: Well, how was your date?
B: Good, it was good. How was your date?
RJ: It was ok I guess...
B: Ok? Just Ok? What happened?
RJ: I don't know, it was just ok.
B: Oh come on... you let me spill my guts about my dates but you won't give up any info... what the F.... ?
RJ: I just don't feel like I can let my guard down and be myself.
B: Oh ok, so she is uptight is she?
RJ: Well uptight isn't the word I would use... but in a way... yes
B: What happened?
RJ: I was home at 9 pm.
B: So, I have been home from a good date at 9 before.
RJ: I can't say things that I normally would say...
B: oh stuff that you would say in front of me, but you aren't sure how some other women would respond?
RJ: Yeah, you just laugh it off or make a comment... I am not sure how she would respond
B: Yeah, I don't fuss at you about it... I don't do that, unless it embarrasses me, and you haven't done that. I think you were more comfortable doing that with me because I cuss in front of you...
RJ: maybe...
B: So did you walk her to her car?
RJ: yes, we rode the shuttle to the parking lot, I walked her to her car, she drove off and I drove off.
B: Did you kiss her goodnight?
RJ: no
B: Why not?
RJ: It just didn't feel right...
B: What? why not?
RJ: Consider present company...

Yes folks, RJ and I went out as possible dates for quite some time, but he never did kiss me. Now we are great friends, without the weirdness of knowing each other beyond friends.

RJ: Did you kiss your date
B: YES (smiling uncontrollably)
B: but that was because we had the conversation about how could he really think that women wouldn't think they were good kissers. So, he had to find out, or I had to test it for myself.
RJ: ......(he didn't say anything)

B: So did you call her today (the day after his date)
RJ: no
B: why not? I like a man who calls me the day after, even just to say he had a good time
RJ: I just don't think it is going to pan out
B: Why not?
RJ: I just don't....


Good GAWD!!!!!
MEN.......

Even my friends won't be straight with me, after knowing each other for over 6 months... so yeah, I see what you mean d.k., Mr. Universe may just need to warm up to the idea of having a real conversation.

Finally... A Date, or was it a NUT?

Yes boys and girls, I finally had a date. It was Thursday evening. We had dinner in a "fairly" nice locale next to a river in a very small town. To calm myself before hand, I had a few drinks at home. We met at the restaurant. I could describe him perfectly, but let's just call him Mr. Universe and that should say it all. I have never gone out with a man with a body as perfect as his. He is Gorgeous, to say the least.
Anyway, we had to wait for the "dream spot" as he put it, so we went to the bar for a drink. I ordered Parrot Bay and Diet Coke with lime, ummm no Parrot Bay? ok then Malibu. He balked, he didn't like me drinking Diet Coke....uh oh that is my one staple in life. I live on DC. If I didn't drink it? what would I drink? but in the mean time, I play along with Mr. U.
He wants me to try his frozen margarita, made fresh from scratch...uh yeah right... I was a bartender once, I know it is a mix nearly every place you go, but they have him convinced... and I don't drink tequila, it doesn't like me... but I play along.... ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh that is sour and makes me pucker, that was the whole idea wasn't it? I ask... he laughs, because all he does is joke around. He is loud and bouncing all over the place in our "conversation" and on his bar stool. Actually, it didn't bother me, but without that alcohol prep I did before the date, it might have annoyed me a bit. I now have a rum and coke and a margarita on the rocks sitting in front of me. Our table is ready. They led us around and about, down a cobblestone path and I start to wonder if we are going all the way down to the river. Eventually we wind around several picnic tables to one right by the overlook. There is a landscape timber marking a change in the grade of the terrain, and I trip. Luckily, I catch myself and my drinks and don't spill but a few drops. I was embarrassed, but he covered it quite well and didn't seem to let it become a big harry monster.

We start to look at menus, and it becomes obvious he needs his "reading glasses" and doesn't have them with him. He asks about the specials. He has a coupon for one dinner free when you buy the other one. I had the same coupon but I didn't take it... thinking it would be ...oh... I don't know... tacky?
We eat steak and shrimp, have no real conversation, just jokes and joking around. He is very much the gentleman, is concerned that I am "ok" with the food, the amount of napkins, having silverware, etc. you get the picture. He is a bit "handsy" or "touchy feely" for a first date, but as attention starved as I am, it was welcomed. He was not inappropriate at anytime, and I really liked that.
He is very clever, esp. with words, which always is a turnon for me. He invited me to his house on the local lake and I accepted. Never hurts to see where a chiropractor lives.... it, of course, was immaculate and ostentatious yet understated if that is possible.

We had some champagne I brought along, as a celebration to my observation by my administrator on Wednesday, that went very well. We danced a bit on the tile floor, and he is a good dancer. We sat outside and enjoyed the cool air and the night sky full of stars.

In his own words, one of his must haves, in a woman, is she must be a good kisser. My question was... does any woman really think she isnt? Don't we all think we are good in bed and good kissers? Men too?

It boiled down to self confidence and self image, as he took the long way to say it. I think he is looking for someone very sure of herself, and he said it through the 'must be a good kisser' line.

Glad I had the nerve to answer that ad. It was a date I won't soon forget, and I left his house thinking that if I never saw him again, I had a great time, and that was all that mattered...

We will see... he has called and left me a message that the soonest he could get together again is next Tuesday.... well that is the day I go to the Probation Intake meeting with my problem child.. I might need a drink after that...

Oh man, here is that stinking life of mine again...well, I left it behind for one evening... and I had fun... that was a good vacation...


The nut reference? No real conversation... ADHD behavior in a grown man is not attractive, Next Tuesday? well there must be a waiting line and I just went to the end... I don't know, my little red flags are waving, we will see how high and big they get.

Sometimes I just get down and need to sleep

I have been actually trying to date for about 2 months and I haven't gotten a date yet. The online venues have not been, not in the least, fruitful. It is depressing, then I come home to a teenager who thinks he doesn't have to do what I ask or follow the "rules". Then I try to look into moving and find that I cannot even afford to do that.

I can handle one at a time, but not three...

Goodnight all,

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, KEEP AN EYE ON THIS LIST, IT WILL CHANGE

1. Sleeping in, Taking Fridays off and a Diet Coke
2. Parrot Bay or Malibu Rum
3. Big Straws, or Fat Straws
4. The moon shining through my sun roof as I drive down the road
5. An unsolicited hug from a student
6. Amused muse making me laugh at her silly jokes
7. Migas for breakfast with a pancake (with pecans) for dessert
8. New crayons
9. These fancy little scissors my ex once bought me, I need a new pair, that cut wire, and anything else and are just the right size.
10. the scent of lavender
11. Sleeping late
12. Eating in bed with a lover
13. The sun on my face
14. Good service in a restaurant or bar.
15. Chocolate Ice box pie (yes RJ, it is higher on the "actual" list)
16. Burt's Bees Lifeguard lip goo... yes, I said goo... hee hee hee hee hee

more to follow...

Happy Hour

Amused muse and I went. It was great. Two drinks later, here I am, exhausted and toasted. What I can I say, I am a cheap drunk... at least tonight, because all I have eaten all day is a Cliff Bar...

The point was to have a "mini" vacation. I did, and now reality has returned... take yourself a mini vacation, let me know how it goes.

Celebrate

When I was a senior in high school and delivering flowers (mostly poinsettias) at Christmas time for the local florist, Lionel Richie came out with a new song, Celebrate. I remember it vividly, and I heard it on the radio today, and as always, I can feel the cold crisp air, the waning sun, feel the delivery vehicle beneath me, see the smiles of the people I brought flowers or plants to, and I remember my first consumated love affair. It is a bittersweet memory. He broke up with me on my 18th birthday. He broke my heart and I think I felt it for over 5 years after that.

One evening earlier in the week, there was a new sitcom on, I believe it was "How I met your mother" or something like that. The jest of the whole show was that you don't break up with someone on their birthday, and certainly not over the phone.... well, I will give Paul credit where credit is due, he did have the guts, eventually, to break up with me in person, but it was, and still is, the worse birthday I have ever had. But, hey, at least I was old enough, and it was legal at 18 then, to go out and drink if I wanted to... but if I recall, I didn't go out drinking.

Funny how one thought leads to another isn't it?

Celebrate good times come on, let's celebrate... well I like the saying, "God said Celebrate, not celibate"....lol, it is a line from an obscure movie with Shirley McClaine.

You can blame RJ for this one

This is from my 27th post and it is the 5th sentence.

This woman made him feel bad when he had done nothing wrong and he wanted to stop engaging this new "hobby".

RJ is playing "chain letter Blogger" and I got caught in the middle. I am suppose to have 5 other people do it as well, but I don't know anyone else who is still blogging. So the cycle stops here, now if it were a Harley, I would be thrilled.

For clarification of what this is all about, look at RockJock's blogger, it is called Fool's Gold.

Bright Lights Big City

Today I will look at an apt. that has been "found" just for me.... the price is right, the ammenities are all the ones I asked for... we will see... and yes it is, just for me. No children. I am taking the youngest to his dad at Thanksgiving.... to save my sanity and his life. It is a hard, sad decision, but something had to be done.

If you were looking for a new place to live, what ammenities would you look for?

Opened Windows and Trains

Last night was the second night I have opened all the windows and let the fresh air in. This morning, the train whistle as the train moves through town is such a comforting sound and it brought a smile to my face.

While I was home last Thursday I opened all the windows in anticipation of the cold front that was suppose to be here that day. Sometimes you don't know what you miss until you see/hear/feel it again. The quiet of the house, the sounds of neighbors mowing their yards, the rustle of the wind through the leaves on the tree as they begin their descent to the ground. It was a wonderful day for sounds and considering I had to spend the day inside writing, I felt like I wasn't missing out on a gorgeous day outside.

RJ and I were discussing our fascination with trains yesterday. My father was an engineer for the railroad, and yet the only train I have ever had the thrill of riding was in Durango CO, from there to Silverton, CO. I hope to have the opportunity to ride another one, that has a dining car. I enjoyed watching Sex In the City when Carrie and Samantha rode the train, across country I think, if I recall correctly. RJ has ridden a train to Mexico City, which I think is fantastic. When I hear things like this, and I want to experience them too, it just increases my desire to learn Spanish. Not that he really knows Spanish, or that you would have to, but it would help. (he knows more spanish than he will own up to)

Have a great day, open the windows, watch the leaves, listen to the sounds of your neighborhood, and enjoy the quiet without any technological infringements.

Technology sucks

Technology never ceases to amaze me... it isn't infallable, anymore than I am.

Movie Review: A Lot Like Love

Yes, boys and girls, it is a chick flick. It is, however, a very clever and humorous film as well. There is a mile high club scene, of sorts, guitar playing and naked people in the desert.

Over All, a very good film that supports some thoughts I have had about timing and when you meet someone and the timing is wrong....

I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I watched it again,

What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic...

Sleepy Girl

The days, nights, hours, since Thursday afternoon have become a blur. After attending a Conference yesterday on the coast, I am exhausted and as tired as I am, I cannot sleep well.
Thursday was spent catching up on things I have "left behind" so that no child will be left behind. Friday was an early release day, where the children don't follow any direction by me because we are not following the "regular routine" and they are thinking they get out of school "soon" all morning. We eat lunch before 10 am. YUCK. Then after they leave, I am sitting in a staff development session required for all the district to follow directions found in a notebook, and yet someone is reading it to us.... UGGGGHHH.... Immediately after that, 3 colleagues climb in my vehicle in the rain to drive all evening to the beach... now if we were going to have fun, that would be one thing, but considering we are going to a conference, that is another story.
The drive was, thankfully, uneventful. The colleagues that I have no "affection" for, sat in the back seat and watched a DVD on a portable player, obviously they have no "affection" for me as well. The conference was good, now if I had three months to create all the ideas I collected... that would be ideal.
While there, oldest child calls, youngest child (16) has taken the door off the closet that I lock all my "valuables" and alcohol in, and has been in there, he didn't watch, so he doesn't know what he took.
Lovely, just lovely.
I call the mother of a "friend" of problem child, and ask her to pick him up from school outing scheduled for the day and keep him til I get home. That's done. I call the Muse and ask her if she can afford to let me borrow a closet to store precious items I don't want disappearing (mainly coin collection and personally precious items) and she says yes.... ok that's taken care of.
Get home, explain consequences to child, and tell him to go to bed. He refuses. I spent an hour explaining all the consequences for not doing it, one of which finally got his attention and he went to bed.
Of course I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at four, fearing I hadn't set my alarm and had to get up for work.... oh man, it is Sunday.....
Woke up at 7 and decided it was too light to sleep well, so I got up... no caffeine in the house... and now am waiting for RJ to come eat Mexican food for breakfast with me. He is on his way... he had a date last night, I can't wait to find out how it went.

Yes, consumption of large quantities of diet Coke and a nap in the afternoon are on THE LIST, but the latter of the two will either take over or go to the wayside.

An Invitation

Boys and Girls.... I spend most of my day getting 5 year olds to be nice to each other, keep their hands to themselves and not say demeaning, belittling, or bullying comments to each other. I am not going to do it in my blog too.

Southern Girl, I wish I could have worked on your lavender farm, lavender is my favorite scent and purple is my favorite color. Unfortunately, I was never offered a basket of goodies, due to my gender I imagine, but just the same....

This is an invitation for you to take your blogging elsewhere. You have run off my friends, and I miss their comments. Please go in peace and with only my best wishes, but please do... go....

It was not in the Cards

Today I am staying home rather than go to the beach.... the decision was made for me when I learned that a mere 3 days after an observation with one supervisor, I have another one with the main supervisor.... and no, it isn't because the first observation didn't go well, in fact it went really well. It is an anomaly caused by the fact that the two supervisors didn't plan their observations together.

I had the opportunity to change it to a later date, but I prefer to get it over with. I believe I will go to the beach in a couple of weeks instead. Yes it is still hot here. We had a cold front blow through last week, so the temps are out of the hundreds but will be 96 today. We had one day in the 80's, it was very pleasant. So I think the beach will still be very pleasant for a few weeks.