Losing My Mind, Losing My Life, Losing My Self or at least My Sanity

I hinted the other day
and you know when I hint
I really just say what I think
and many people dont catch on to it
that I don't always mean to
it just comes
blurting out

I haven't liked how my life has gone
especially this year
but for several years

I have been trying to change it
but it seems
I am stuck

I take steps forward
I get pushed back twice as far
I get up
I dust myself off
I try to get back on the horse
whether is it
the "mothering" horse
the "dating" horse
the "working well with others" horse

and I get thrown for a loop
again

my friends are drifting away from me
they have "significant others" in their lives
and as it should be
they come first along with children and family
and I am somewhere down on the list
and less significant to them
than I once was
I get it, I really do understand
and it is a big message to me
to get out
and find my own life
so I have been trying
maybe not the way
that others would try
but I am trying

I have tried to spend time alone
and figure out what I want
but what it has taught me
is that I don't want to be
alone all the time
I end up talking to myself
using "we" as if I am two people
taking care of one
and I have caught myself
doing it in public
at the grocery store
or shopping
or driving
and it is driving me crazy...

You never know where you might meet someone
but I have trouble hanging out in public,
I feel very invisible
I have flown several times
over the last 20 years
and I remember a time
when goodlooking men would WANT
to sit by me
and now
no one looks at me
no one chooses to sit next to me
at least not men
I met a teacher who works for another district
who I had a great conversation with
and that was once out of the last 6 trips
(which equals about 24 different planes after connector flights)
I am invisible in the airport
I am invisible in the bookstore
I am invisible in Starbucks

So how do I catch a man's eye
I chose to try the internet
I have my ways,
I no longer use "dating" sites
but there is still Craigs List
and it is free
and apparently
you get what you pay for

I had 3 different men who were
suppose to call me last Saturday morning
for a breakfast date
One is a friend
One is an ex-lover and now friend
and one was a new man
I met on CL
None of them called
Saturday night
I was suppose to have a "first" date
with the one that called on Thanksgiving
and actually had been calling every day
for over a week
but he faded away into a worm hole
without so much as a word as to why
so that petered out
and I was ok with it
Sunday I chose to not try to make any plans
but one man wrote
and wanted to go play pool or something else fun
and I was busy cooking
we wrote email
we chatted
and by 7:30 I was getting dressed
to go have hot cocoa and meet

He was great,
I hadn't been that giddy since Mr. Turnaround
He was handsome
he was clever
he was complimentary
and
apparently
he could have been a figment of my
overactive imagination
or simply a magic trick
because he has disappeared into thin air

I have a full week of dates
with new men and old friends
and Mr. Duvall on Sunday
(haven't seen him in over a month)

and my son
who was here before Turkey day
and then drained my bank acct. dry
so I could get him back to his hometown
so he could get a job and work and be near his dad

has decided,
in less than a week
to come back to this part of the world

Now, don't get me wrong,
I love my son
but the days of letting him stay with me
giving him money to get him on his feet
and putting up with his verbal and emotional abuse
are gone

I have felt funny all day
and have been tearful
and didn't know where it was coming from
but then he called
about 9 pm to tell me
and I had to lay down the law

and right now
right now
i need someone
to hold me
and make me feel like
the world isn't ending

I don't know if I can keep my sanity
with my son here
I give into his lies
and his manipulation
wanting to believe him
and think he has changed
but I know he hasn't

and as much as I want to shut the door in his face
when it comes right down to it, I can't...

and there is no one I can call
that I feel like I can ask
to come and
just hold me

It is the worst feeling in the world
and I understand how people get bitter

I feel so misunderstood
and lonely and like a bad mother
it just kills me....

A Week of Thanks

Most holidays I travel home
not what I consider home now
but the home my mother lives in
in the town I graduated
from high school
and college

This holiday is no different
and yet
it is completely different

I have started flying
instead of driving
since I am now traveling alone

so I flew in on Monday
and am flying out on Friday

My flight in is the first time
there was no issue
with catching a flight
changing planes in Big D
and arriving not just on time
but early

My appetite
has finally returned
now I am not so sure
I should be thankful for that
I was enjoying my shrinking waist
but at the same time
jello, gatorade, and chicken broth
were getting a little old
so
with my new appetite
and the fact

that I cooked everything while I was here
except the dressing and gravy
for Turkey Day
it was good that I had an appetite

My youngest son
came home from his
door to door sales job
all over the midwest
broke
so thin he was emaciated
and sick
but he is now here
he drove up
from San Antonio
and despite the fact I spent all
not most or
some
but

All my savings getting him
on the road to recovery
and to finding a better job
and a place to live

but I am thankful he was here
to eat with us
and the fact he is going to be
safe
and 500 miles away
finding his way in the world

We had wonderful meals
the first day here
I fried green tomatoes and yellow squash
to go with friend pork chops and gravy
Last night
we had a seafood boil with seafood
I sent up with my son
in a cooler
and watermelon for dessert
today

well we had a somewhat traditional feast
Teriyaki Turkey (I marinated it)
Dressing
gravy
Sweet potatoe casserole (fresh yams)
fresh cut green beans
Fresh Cranberry Relish (yes, fresh with oranges and sugar)
Rolls
Rice with Teriyaki gravy (only way I know to describe it)
Pink Fuzzy Jumpin' Stuff (family tradition fruit jello salad)
Pumpkin Pie - two, each made from a different recipe (yes, testing recipes)
Homemade whipped cream
Fancy Banana Pudding (really killer recipe, not your normal nanar puddin')

and most of it was done by me
I washed dishes numerous times each day
I cooked and cleaned and cooked and cleaned
and
at the end of the day
my mom paid me a great compliment
(and if you haven't figured it out by now,
those are few and far between from her)
she said
I am a great cook

I am thankful that we had great food
that she appreciated the food
I am thankful that we had a great week

We talked
we played scrabble
we ate
I cooked
I cleaned
and I spent good time
with my mom
and my son.

and I am thankful
that I am going home tomorrow.

When I sat back and thought about it
there are many things
that disappointed me
this year,
really disappointed me

my life is going in the direction
that I thought it would
and I am not particularly
enjoying the way it is going
in my love life
or my work life
but in my immediate family life
it is going very well
and perhaps
that is what I should be focusing on
and it is what I am so very thankful for.

I hope you have had a chance to enjoy your family
and that you have many things to be thankful for.

I just want to say
Happy Turkey Day!!!!

Fantasy Football

Now don't get excited
It isn't your normal fantasy
or your version of Fantasy Football

It is my Football Fantasy

My daddy watched football all the time
Sunday afternoons are still not "normal"
without the sounds
of a football game
on the "boob toob"
which is what he called the tv
I guess that phrase always escaped my understanding
anyway,
I know how a football game is played
I understand
first and 10
off sides
line of scrimmage
4th and goal
shotgun formation
forward pass
snapping the ball
interception
a flag is down
illegal holding

and this year
I started not just listening
or watching a game here and there
but watching nearly every Sunday

My favorite team isn't playing well
at all
My least favorite team is having
a great year

I have to throw my own yellow flag

What is this shit?
there is a line on the screen
that shows the line of scrimmage
and a line showing where
they need to be for a first down
and then an arrow
showing what direction the ball is moving
and the color for team who has possession
and states the down and yardage needed

Fuck, the muse and I have discussed
how the game of football
as if it weren't simple enough
has been dumbed down
for any one to watch
women no longer will be fussed at
for asking questions
young children can learn the game so much
easier
to the relief of parents everywhere
who don't know the game well enough
to teach it to their children

Now, don't blast me for discussing
the American Public
as if they are illiterate
but I do have an issue
with the DUMBING DOWN
of our society

and this is a perfect example.

Let's forget teaching Math,
game strategy, how to watch a game
with an eagle eye
to see each play

Let's let the networks
tell us what is happening
so we don't have to pay attention
so we can just watch the commercials
esp. during the biggest game of the year

and today,

Today my youngest son is home
just for a couple of days,
and tomorrow morning I send him
on his way
in the big world
but today
he has chosen to be
a Dallas Cowboy fan
like his father

and he turned on the game
and I could tell
instantaneously
he don't know
how to play the game
or watch it

As a teacher
I know to use all the aids
I can
to teach a subject
and my child
is being taught the game
by me
and is using the
ridiculous cues
on the screen
to keep up with what is going on
with the game.
Of course
I have heard

"why do they skip the 2nd down?"

uh... they didn't....

and then I explain further


If I was wanting to watch
the Boys play
I could understand
the frustration men feel
when someone (maybe a woman)
is asking about what just happened
or how to understand the game.

My daddy did teach me well
and now I am continuing the tradition
and teaching my son about
America's Game.

I May Live

It has taken a week
of Gatorade
and Crackers
and Jello
and Popsicles.

I lost over 10 lbs
which I am sure will return
as soon as I can eat a big meal

My energy level is low
My patience is short

Now I have week
before I go back to work
and tomorrow I go to my mom's
for 5 days

We have planned more food
than we can eat in 5 days

A Brisket
Seafood Boil
and then

Our Turkieyaki Dinner
on Thursday

My own recipe from my early college days
when all my family came for Turkey Day
to San Angelo.

It will be good
I am flying


Happy Thanksgiving
I am thankful to be on the road
to recovery
I am thankful for many other things too
but at the moment,
not losing all bodily fluids
is what I am most thankful for

From the hills of Montezuma

to the bathroom all night long.

The price I am paying
for a drinking weekend
and a poor choice of dinner foods
last night.

Unfortunately, there is no GatorAde
in the fridge...

will write more when I can sit
for a minute more than I can now...


all you can do is bring Gatorade and crackers

THE BOYS

I haven't been dating
I haven't been
dating for quite some time

I miss having a man in my life
(and yes, I have been drinking)

I miss

a man to snuggle up to
a man to play footsies with
in bed
when it is chilly out
or just when I first get into bed

I miss
a man holding me
and reassuring me
that all will be fine

I miss

a man fixing me an
ice cold diet Coke in the morning
and bringing it to me
as he wakes me up gently

I miss
a man to hold me
and make me feel special

I miss
making sweet passionate love
not monkey sex (which is good, don't get me wrong)
or (pure and simple) sex
but making sweet, wonderful love,
where he puts his guard down
and shows you how he really feels
and is all concerned with your needs

Now, I do have THE BOYS
and boy, is it a good thing
I don't know how you fellas do it
going for so long,
without some good lovin'

I mean,
DAMN,
that shit,
well
you know,
it just AIN"T RIGHT

is it?

no, I know,
it isn't

so I have been out drinking
with the muse
and three men
ok, 4,
but three of them
I like so much
as really good guys
to have in your life
one is the Keeper of the Beers
and the second is Taken and deadly
and the third is
the Muses' muse


and well the 4th
is hers for now,
but I don't enjoy him
like she does
which is fine
I am happy for her
but here's the story

they are all good guys,
the three
stooges, if you will
and althought
as drunken as I am
I wouldn't have had
any of them, due to
their connection with
the muse...

yeah, she was swimming
in the Bermuda Triangle tonight

but the hugs were good
but I left them all there
and came home to
THE BOYS

my little battery operated friends
who are taking care of my needs for now

there is

Earl the Pearl
and
The Big Boy

which we all know is relative
and no
I don't mean related to me
but
depending on your preferences
may be regarded to
as more
than
" The Big Boy"
and so
i am off
to enjoy the boys
and stay
safe and sound
within my own
psyche'


for now


wishing you
your own version of
" The Boys"